Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

AMERICA MUST SWEEP PIRATES FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SEALANES


CONSIDERED OPINION

By : The Right Honorable Admiral Sir Hercules Robinson, Acting Governor General of Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria in the Crown Colony of Cape Town, SOUTH AFRICA; Former Governor General of New South Wales in the Crown Colony of AUSTRALIA; Former Supreme Commander of Her Majesty’s Naval Forces in and around the Crown Colony of FIJI in the PACIFIC ISLANDS; Former Governor General in and for the Crown Colony of HONG KONG, a City wrested from the savage and barbaric CHINESE EMPIRE; Deceased 1897.

International commerce depends on secure transport by sea. Our great British Empire understands that sea power translates readily into economic power. When our merchant ships pass freely across the world’s oceans, British power grows. But it is no easy task to secure the sea. Nothing is vaster—or more perilous—than those great oceans over which our valuable cargoes must travel. Danger lurks everywhere. Captains must weather brutal storms on the Indian Ocean. They must navigate harrowing crosscurrents near the Cape of Good Hope. They must skillfully avoid shoals and reefs in the Caribbean. And no matter where they sail, they must keep vigilant watch for PIRATES, those enemies of all humanity.

I have recently learned that pirates hijacked the American container ship Maersk Alabama near the Somali Horn in Africa. According to reports, these vicious buccaneers took the Captain hostage and imprisoned the crew in the boiler room. Thankfully, the crew sent a distress signal, alerting the American Navy destroyer USS Bainbridge that they required immediate assistance. The pirates abandoned their quarry in a lifeboat, taking the captain with them at gunpoint. Bainbridge secured Alabama, then made chase after the cowardly pirates as they fled in their lifeboat. Bainbridge swiftly overtook the pirates. Marines stationed aboard Bainbridge eliminated the pirates with sniper fire, captured one surviving pirate and rescued the captain.

I am at heart an Admiral. I must say this was a highly effective naval intervention. Jolly good work, gentlemen.

Despite the happy result in the Alabama case, I write today to urge the American government to crush the pirate menace once and for all. As a fellow colonial power with overseas interests, I cannot overemphasize how important it is to secure the sea-lanes. The attack on Alabama was no fluke; these brazen African pirates have long harassed international sea traffic along the Somali coast. Piracy did not die in the 18th Century. We must recognize that pirates still prowl the waves, threatening vital sea commerce between colonial outposts and home ports. More than any other transport method, our economies depend upon intercontinental sea carriage. Ships transfer the largest amount of material at the lowest cost. Without reliable sea transport, costs for goods ranging from Chinese umbrellas to African coffee beans to Vietnamese rice will skyrocket. Merchant captains will fear to leave port, increasing crew costs and insurance expenditures. Our troubled economic outlook will only worsen if we do not seriously address the pirate menace.

I am no expert in American or British law. I am a Governor General and an Admiral by trade. But I understand that piracy harms overseas interests. And I understand that America—like Great Britain—depends on overseas interests for continued economic strength. Nonetheless, there are established legal mechanisms in place to deal with these seaborne brigands. Any Nation on earth may seize pirates and try them in their own courts under a universal jurisdictional principle. Pirates are hostes omnes humanis—enemies of all humanity. By taking arms against ships under any flag, pirates exclude themselves from the brotherhood of Nations. As such, all Nations have a right to seize and punish them, for they are equally hostile to every Nation. Furthermore, your American Constitution empowers Congress: “To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas[].” U.S. Const. Art. I, § 8 cl. 9. In short, do not hesitate to take harsh action against pirates. Both American law and international law regard them with contempt. I urge you to launch a determined effort to sweep these thankless rogues from the oceans.

We must protect our commercial interests. Let us be honest: We maintain a military presence on many continents in order to protect our trade all over the world. For example, Her Majesty would not maintain a garrison in South Africa were it not for the mineral resources British companies exploit here, nor would your American President maintain a garrison in Iraq were it not for the mineral resources American companies exploit there. We invest military force when necessary to expand and protect significant commercial interests. Yet our investments on land would be for naught if we did not control the sea. In that sense, we may win commercial rewards on land across the globe, but we cannot truly realize our bounty unless we can freely ship our treasure from port to port. Just as the military protects commerce on land, so too must it protect commerce at sea. Consider the sea the circulatory system of international commerce. Without clear, healthy arteries, the whole organism dies. To that extent, our military must jealously guard the sea-lanes. We owe it to the merchants who make our countries as great as they are.

I suggest aggressive action on both land and sea. In my experience, I have learned that restless natives are dangerous. Applying that lesson, I have found that it is always best to strike first. When it comes to naval action, “striking first” means choosing the place of engagement. Do not wait for pirates to attack you; attack the pirates when they least expect it. Patrol their known launch areas. Assemble rapid strike forces. Do not wait for them to put to sea; bombard their harbors and put marine parties ashore to round up their leaders. If you prefer sea action, I suggest using decoy ships to lure pirates onto the water. Once they commit themselves to piracy, deploy a fast fleet and destroy them. The American Navy has massive resources. Use them aggressively. There is no point wasting national treasure on warships if you do not use them for their intended purpose: Sea combat.

We must match aggressive measures on the high seas with aggressive actions on land. When we capture pirates, there is no time for legal nicety. Pirates are not ordinary criminals; they are enemies of all humanity. As such, they do not deserve the same legal process as other prisoners. In the British tradition, Royal Navy Captains hanged pirates from the yardarms or threw them overboard for shark fodder. If they did transport them back for trial, justice was swift. After all, what legal defense can a pirate offer? That he did not take up arms against a defenseless merchant ship? That he mistook the merchant ship for a man-o-war? Rubbish. Pirates have no legal defense. If they are taken in arms on the high seas, they are pirates. Pirates are enemies of all humanity. That ends the legal debate. The fact that British authorities put pirates to death indicates the seriousness of the crime. We do not tolerate interference with our colonial or commercial interests. We did not invest our national toil and blood creating an Empire to sit by and allow bloodthirsty robbers to plunder our bounty at will.

In 2009, you Americans occupy much the same position we occupied in 1890. You have the largest economy in the world. Your commercial interests stretch across the globe. Your merchant fleet supplies your wealth. In that light, I must urge you to protect your bounty. No Nation in history has ever cultivated commerce as masterfully as the United States. It would be a tragedy if piratical scallywags shook faith in American economic might. Your military power is unmatched. Start using it for its proper purpose: To protect American commerce worldwide.

We cannot afford to lose the war against piracy. World commerce depends on safe sea traffic. To that extent, I urge you not to give in to “humanitarian” concerns when prosecuting captured pirates. I am informed that you already hold one pirate in custody. It is admirable that you wish to put him on trial, but you cannot let him win. Pirates have no legal defense. Do not let pirates hoodwink you. Do not encourage future atrocities by allowing pirates to believe they can escape punishment. This suspect says he was “forced into piracy” by “intimidating local warlords” who “promised him money.” He also claims he is only 16 and speaks no English. You must put aside your sympathy and remember what this man did. Your Navy captured him on the high seas after he forcibly boarded a merchant ship and threatened the crew with a rifle. That is piracy. It would not matter if he were 16 or 6 or 600. It does not matter why he did it; it matters that he forcibly boarded a ship while armed. If we start treating pirates like “regular criminals,” we put our entire colonial economy in jeopardy. Our overseas commercial interests are simply too important for us to accord civil liberties and legal process to pirates determined to interfere with those interests. After all, Nations exist to engage in world commerce. Pirates undermine our very raison d’etre as independent sovereignties. That distinguishes them from common robbers. Pirates make war on the very foundations of our national identity. Thus, we must have no qualms about treating them in a peremptory manner.

I wish you good fortune in your enterprise against the pirates. We must act quickly. If you require support from the Royal Navy or Royal Marines, please do not hesitate to enlist my assistance. Together, we can sweep these curs from the oceans for all time. On that happy day, goods will travel unimpeded—at low cost—from Shanghai to Montevideo to New York to Hamburg to Vladivostok and beyond. When we secure the seas, we secure commerce. And when commerce is secure, Nations prosper.

Monday, April 6, 2009

STARBUCKS ESSAYS THAT DID NOT QUITE MAKE IT TO THE COFFEE CUPS

Several years ago, Starbucks Coffee Company began printing short essays entitled “The Way I See It” on their paper coffee cups. These essays generally contain a heartwarming message with mild social commentary. Typically, they address issues such as childcare, environmental protection, racial tolerance and healthy eating. At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we salute Starbucks for providing its customers with enlightened perspectives from varied sources. In our view, literature and opinion help the community by enriching public discourse. We also salute Starbucks for taking chances on the messages it prints. After all, on the bottom of each cup, there is a small-print disclaimer: “This is the author’s opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks.” We understand that Starbucks does not want readers to impute scandalous opinions to its corporate name. Even with the disclaimer, however, we strongly support Starbucks' attempt to broaden public discourse.

Despite our support for Starbucks, we feel duty-bound to reveal that Starbucks does not print content from all the speakers who wish to contribute to “The Way I See It.” In the spirit of free, uninhibited public discourse, we feel compelled to share some essay topics that did not survive Starbucks’ rigorous editorial process. Although we share Starbucks’ view that every speaker has a right to broadcast only messages with which he or she agrees, public discourse suffers when we suppress voices. At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we believe the public benefits from hearing as many perspectives as possible. In that light, we are proud to present essays that did not make it onto Starbucks’ official printed cups. These speakers all have something to say. They may not speak about "the difference between promises or missions,” “the fact that Americans spend 13 years in front of their televisions,” or “the beauty of the sub-Saharan African bush,” but they nonetheless believe in their messages. In America, we prize every voice. For that reason, we are proud to share the following short essays.

REJECTED CANDIDATE #321 : Hunting children is so much fun. In Africa, it is so easy to do; and no one is there to stop you. In fact, no one really cares when you take a shot at a kid from a safari truck. Plus, they are really small targets, so it helps you practice your aim. If you can hit a running African kid from 300 yards, you can definitely take out a running antelope from 400 yards. People misunderstand child-hunters. They say we are the worst kind of criminals. They say we have no respect for life. We are not criminals. We are sportsmen. We respect life. We do not exhaust natural child populations, and we do not impact the environment. This is our pledge: We will never use shotguns on children whose mothers did not want to get rid of them in the first place. We will hold to our pledge, come what may. That is sportsmen’s honor.

Mr. “Big” Bill Blanford, Chairman and CEO, United Nursing Homes, Ltd.

REJECTED CANDIDATE #190 : Nobody likes getting caught masturbating, especially at work. As a hedge fund manager, I can’t tell you how many times I have interrupted bored analysts playing with themselves. You should see the look on their faces; it is just pathetic. On the other hand (no pun intended), I do not want to be a hypocrite. On really boring Thursday mornings, I sneak a wank in, too. For that reason, I am not too harsh on financial masturbators. In this economy, we need all the help we can get in the financial industry, even from people who masturbate at work. After all, to be a good analyst, you must have the capacity to manipulate things well: graphs, stocks, market trends, adverse information. Good manipulation skill starts at home. And who are we to judge? It’s better to have a trained manipulator working for you than someone who does not know how to manipulate his own genitals.

Mr. Robert F. Pullman, Senior Financial Analyst, Friction Partners, L.P.

REJECTED CANDIDATE #547: Have you ever skinned a live sea otter? It is such a rush, man. You just grab hold of that furry little critter and tear into him with a butcher knife. Fuck the tree-huggers; killing defenseless animals is fun, fun, fun. Last month I went on a company cruise with some of my buddies from the office. We tracked down some otters, caught them in a net then tore them to little pieces. You should have heard them squeaking and yelping as we peeled their skin off. Boy, was it a blast. Good thing I had my rubber boots on, because it got pretty bloody. We weren’t after their pelts. We just wanted to have some fun and kill some mammals. If you ever get a chance to skin an otter or some other cute, warm-blooded sea creature, book the flight. You’ll have the time of your life. And we only have one life to live.

Mr. A.J. Bulow, Foundation for Compassionate Medicine of Greater North Carolina

REJECTED CANDIDATE #609: Did you know that most Americans live in the United States? Up to 99% of the entire population of this entire country lives here. Believe it or not, 54% of all graduating high school students thought that most Americans lived in Turkey. This goes to show that Americans have a long way to go when it comes to learning world geography. We need more funding to educate our children, not less. Americans need to learn that most Americans live in the United States, not Turkey. When Americans know that most of us live in the United States, we can confront problems like hunger, poverty and health care with real dedication. After all, how can our country tackle issues if our children think 99% of Americans live in Burkina-Faso, not the United States? Geography is important. I think Americans should learn it.

Ms. Cassandra E. Willard, The American Intellectual Curiosity Institute – A Non-Profit Organization (Seoul, Maine)


REJECTED CANDIDATE #1,755 : Pollution is a wonderful thing. When I get up in the morning, I love to see trash littering my front lawn. I also love watching smokestacks pouring huge plumes of acrid, purple smoke into the atmosphere, killing pesky sea gulls and insects. Personally, I think all this stuff about “green technology” and “electric cars” is for the dogs. I drive a gas-guzzling truck without a muffler, and I’m damn proud of it. I’m not afraid to send my garbage to closed landfills, and I don’t mind patronizing full septic tanks. I never was much of a tree fan, anyway. If trees die, that’s fine by me, as long as I keep my job. That’s the thing the environmentalists will never understand about me: I’d rather work than save a cactus. If my job requires pollution, then give me pollution—lots of it.

Mr. Charles E. Schmutz, Working People for Better Times, LLC

REJECTED CANDIDATE # 248 : There is nothing wrong with making a profit. Intellectuals, professors and even celebrities think it’s “cool” and “hip” to be a left-wing socialist nutjob. Well, I think it’s cool to inherit family money, invest in real estate and just kick back and rake in cash. Just look at Donald Trump. He’s cool and he makes a profit. Profit also makes you get up in the morning. When I think about profit, I’m up before dawn on my way to work. I want more money in my account tomorrow than I have today. In today’s world, profits pay. It’s not about fairness; it’s about having more than the other guy. I’m not ashamed to say it. It may not be fashionable to say you like profits anymore, but you can call me old-fashioned. If it came between a profit and my mom, I’d take a profit. Sorry, mom!

Mr. E. Travis Gladbank, Chief Financial Officer, Ninth Amalgamated Property Management Associates, LLP

We hope you have enjoyed reading these alternative perspectives. We salute Starbucks for broadening public discourse. But here at Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we give air to all values, not just the values deemed appropriate by Starbucks’ editorial staff. Because when we let every voice be heard, we guarantee freedom for all. We believe in freedom, no matter how you slice it. We hold true to our motto: We believe in freedom “notwithstanding taste or decency.” We know that you believe in freedom, too.