GET A HANDLE ON YOUR EMPLOYEES

EMPLOYERS' WORLD WEEKLY - VOL. 59, No. 3
(SUMMER 2009)

SUMMER IS HERE : DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR EMPLOYEES ARE?

By : Mr. G. Stanley Putts, M.B.A., Ph.D., Chairman and Chief Managing Officer, SpeedSave Credit Reporting Associates, Inc. (a Delaware Corporation); Professor, Employee Management Strategy Development, State University of Southern New Jersey School of Business (1988-present); Licensed Psychiatrist in the State of New Jersey.

It's that time of year again. As managers move into the hot months, they face new threats to productivity. Summertime means that more consumers are in the market for business. During the summer, managers face fresh opportunities for growth and profit. But summer also means that employees have other things on their minds. According to Department of Labor Statistics, productivity levels fall at least 43% between June and September, even when payrolls increase. What does this mean? Simple: It means that employees don't do their jobs as well in the summer. Managers need to reverse this alarming trend. To do so, they must do two things: (1) Understand the employee's mind; and (2) Adopt result-oriented measures calculated to increase productivity.

Good managers understand that employees make or break a company. Without motivated employees, companies could not keep their businesses afloat. Without diligent workers to handle the myriad mundane tasks necessary to sustain a profitable outfit--from opening mail to answering phones to proofreading letters to driving trucks--businesses could not grow. Without good employees, businesses would never produce returns for shareholders. And let's not forget who's important. Shareholders put up the capital needed to open businesses; and they want to be rewarded. It's up to us--the managers--to make sure their investments pay off. Employees have no stake in companies. They merely work to ensure that shareholders receive their rewards. In return, the company pays them an amount that allows them to fulfill their own financial obligations without impairing healthy profit levels for the shareholders. In sum, paying employees is a necessary investment. It would be nice if we did not have to pay them anything. But we do not live in a perfect world.

Good managers pay employees just enough to make them feel that they are not being exploited. This is essential; managing pay is a crucial management skill. In fact, good managers know how to set pay precisely to maximize two effects: (1) Shareholder profit; and (2) Employee morale. Shareholder profit is easy; one must merely crunch some numbers and show a higher total this year than last year. But employee morale is much trickier to achieve. After all, there is no quarterly balance sheet column to account for employees' feelings. Yet good managers must master employees' feelings just as efficiently as they must master profit levels. To accomplish that goal, good managers must understand the employee's mind.

As a trained business psychiatrist, I am pleased to offer managers an insight into the employee's mind. Many managers view their employees with barely-veiled contempt. They see them as a nuisance rather than a resource. They see them as ornery children who must be violently restrained in order to maintain favorable productivity levels. Although violence, repression and contempt are appropriate tools in the battle to secure employee morale, one must think more profoundly. Conceptually speaking, employees serve the company. A good servant does not just perform the tasks appointed to him; he also has the proper mental outlook. Servants, in other words, have two duties: (1) They diligently perform required tasks; and (2) They take their motivation from their masters. Thus, there is a physical and mental element to service. In my experience, I have found that the best employees have the best mental outlook. They look to their masters for both direction and meaning. They truly believe in the employer's mission, and their activity derives from their mental dedication to that mission. A truly motivated employee is a loyal servant. His will focuses not on himself, but on his employer's needs. He experiences emotional satisfaction when the employer achieves success. His own desires fade into obscurity. In essence, then, good employees have the proper will. They are not distracted. Their minds merge with the employer's will. They sacrifice their own well-being to please their masters. When a manager succeeds in transforming mere employees into true servants, there is no end to a company's potential success.

But that is Utopian thinking. As managers, we strive to make true servants out of our employees. Yet all too often we must settle for less. All too often, we cannot fully replace every employee's will with the employer's mission. There are always a troublesome residues in the employee's mind: Individual desires, personal wants, dreams, resentments, family tribulations, financial worry. We cannot always fully win over an employee's mind. No matter how much we try, employees always hold a little bit back for themselves. That damages productivity. Productivity demands maximum concentration and dedication to the employer's mission. When an employee is thinking about something other than the employer's success, his work will not be as zealous as it would be if his mind were clear. To that extent, dreams, desires, wishes, fascinations and individual characteristics harm productivity. Employers cannot tolerate this. When employees start thinking about themselves, productivity suffers. And when that happens, profit margins dwindle, injuring the shareholders.

Managers have a duty to please the shareholders. They can do this by getting a handle on their employees. As mentioned, the key to productivity is employee will. The battle for employee will begins with employee morale. To channel employees' will toward the employer, managers must be prepared to adopt result-oriented measures calculated to increase employee morale. Spirited employees with high morale have the proper will. When it comes to employee management, then, good mangers must consider how employees think. As mentioned, employees have a dangerous tendency to think for themselves while on the job. Good managers find ways to eradicate individual thinking among employees and to replace it with high morale. Still, this is no easy task. Individual employees may be thinking about coming weekends, girlfriends, sick parents, outstanding loans, car payments, poor health, their children, sex, last weekend, parties, the beach, vacations, Friday night movies, their homes or even the mere fact that they are hungry. When employees think about these things, they necessarily are not thinking about the employer's mission. This is dangerous.

Worse, employees minds drift even more during hot summer months. They dream about family barbecue get-togethers, beach parties, bikinis, sunbathing, poolside excursions, boat rides, amusement trips and drunken forays in the dunes. More to the point, these thoughts only intensify when employees look outside the window and see how sunny it is, then reflect that they are stuck in an office tower for the next 15 hours. It is no wonder that productivity falls 43% between June and September. Good managers must stop these thoughts before they start. In a word, individual employee thinking is dangerous to employee morale, productivity and shareholder satisfaction. As managers, we have a duty to guard against it at all times. We do not pay employees to be individuals. We pay employees to serve us.

Good managers get a handle on their employees. To eliminate dangerous individual thinking, good managers are not afraid to take bold steps. A good manager does not increase morale by "being nice;" a good manager yells, threatens and creates intense workplace rivalries. "Nice managers" encourage employees to think for themselves. "Nice managers" try to be "friends" with employees. They even give employees "privacy" and "respect" while on the job. Yet this leads only to wasted time and wasted money. Unsupervised employees exploit the business for money while giving nothing back to the shareholders. Good managers, by contrast, scrupulously oversee their employees to ensure proper morale. They segregate employees to minimize small talk, gossip, chatter, joking and laughter. They install surveillance cameras to ensure that only company work motivates employee behavior. They publicly discipline employees who surf the internet for personal reasons while on the job. When necessary, they call lazy workers into their offices for full-scale tongue lashings. In short, good managers create a positive atmosphere in which employees are happy to carry out employer business. In such an atmosphere morale increases and servants serve well. Good managers are like good fathers: They assert their authority strongly and often.

Good managers must not be afraid to scream, yell, insult, degrade, humiliate and belittle their employees. When it appears that an employee represents a danger to employee morale through individual thinking, humor, good temperament or popularity, a good manager must not hesitate to tell him to "Get a grip or get fired." When an employee exhibits a propensity to do things in a manner different from prescribed protocols, a good manager must not hesitate to personally discipline the employee. Willful employees represent a danger to all. If employees do not respect protocols intended to ensure maximum productivity, shareholder satisfaction will suffer. In that light, any attempt to do things differently must be vigorously suppressed. Managers must show that they know best. And they must not be afraid to crush any dissent before it threatens employee morale.

We do not want willful employees. Good employees are good servants, and servants are not willful. In fact, a servant's will is always subservient to his master's will. In that sense, willfulness and service are mutually exclusive. When a manager detects willfulness in an employee, he must act quickly and decisively. Personal insult, threat, reduced pay and isolation represent ample means to eradicate willfulness. Extreme cases may necessitate physical restraint, company re-education or hanging the employee upside down and forcing him to recite the company motto until he exhibits proper respect for the employer's mission. Willfulness cannot exist in the workplace. Good managers tolerate only one will: The will to serve the employer.

Managers must not have moral qualms about the methods they choose to increase morale. True, some methods may alienate employees more than others. But as long as the end result generates more productivity, any method is justified. To that extent, managers cannot sympathize or empathize with employees. Employees are not the same as shareholders. Employees exist to enrich the shareholders, not to enjoy their lives as unique individuals. And managers do not exist to secure comfort and peace for employees. To the contrary, managers exist to please the shareholders, and shareholders will not be pleased with low productivity. In this light, good managers have a clear purpose: To increase employee productivity at all costs. As we have seen, high productivity and high employee morale go hand in hand. In the same vein, high employee morale results when a good manager eradicates dangerous individual thinking among employees and readjusts their will. Thus, good managers have a well-defined task: To vigorously increase productivity by increasing employee morale through the suppression of individual thought.

As good managers, let us strive to reverse the trend this summer. If we understand what it takes to generate high morale, we can get a handle on our employees. The time for understanding and tolerance is over. Good management demands the courage to disparage, suppress, overpower, intimidate, cajole, deceive and badger our employees into productivity and service. After all, we are not doing this for our health. Employees are not individuals. They are the means by which shareholders secure suitable profits. They need to get their heads in the game, and this is a game we need to win. We serve the shareholders. To perform our task, we, too, must view employees for what they are: A means to an end.

We wish you a prosperous and productive summer!

COVER LETTERS IN A COMPETITIVE MARKET

GET A JOB, WILL YOU?

At Reason, Commerce, Justice and Free Beer, we believe in employment for all. We have long supported your efforts to find a job, even when times are hard. Still, we recognize that finding a job is never easy. Employers do not hire as many employees as they used to; there is simply not enough money to go around. Employers have enough trouble making their own payrolls, dispensing dividends and paying executive bonuses; they cannot worry about whether they hire a 22-year-old office clerk. Despite this, we salute job seekers who remain confident in such a bleak market. You can find a job. But it is a delicate business. It is not enough to merely want to work; you have to advertise yourself. You have to know how to make yourself conspicuous on paper to a harried hiring manager. To do that, you must master some technical skills.

No one will deny that a good resume is essential to a successful job search. We have written at length about effective resumes. Today, however, we are pleased to discuss an oft-overlooked job search craft: Writing a cover letter. Many job-seekers believe that a resume renders a cover letter superfluous. This is a grave—though understandable—mistake. Job-seekers tend to be self-centered. They think their resumes say everything about them, and that anyone who receives their resume will instantly see that they are the best choice for the job. But this overlooks the fact that hiring managers are busy. They receive hundreds of resumes every day from desperate job-seekers. They have no way to know which resumes are worth examining. In short, without some extra pizzazz, even the best resume can elude a hiring manager’s view.

Cover letters supply that extra pizzazz. A well-written cover letter can catch a busy hiring manager’s attention. It can convey your genuine enthusiasm for the job. And it can give special voice to the skills you describe in your resume. You might even display a personal touch that will charm a hiring manager, even if your credentials do not suffice. Hiring managers routinely advise us that a personal, handwritten caption above a cover letter can go a long way, such as: “I am sooooo interested in this job; I get excited just thinking about it!” In short, cover letters give you an opportunity to tap into the employer’s values. It is your chance to shine.

We care about your job. We want you to work. Without work, you cannot make money. Without money, you cannot pay your bills. Without paying your bills, you will go homeless and starve. If you are homeless or starve, you will not be happy. Thus, by supporting your job search, we support your quest for happiness. We are pleased to share the technical expertise you need to win employment in today’s competitive market. Below, we print a sample cover letter by a recent college graduate for an entry-level position at a brokerage house. This young lady got the job because she knew what employers were looking for. We sincerely hope you can learn from her success. Remember: Employers want hard work, selflessness, alacrity, dedication, charm, positive attitude, self-effacement, efficiency, youth and tirelessness. Tell them that you possess all those virtues; and tell them you will work hard for less. In today’s economy, low bids win the auction. Always bear that in mind as you write your cover letter.

February 20, 2009

Dear Mr. Cobalt, Hiring Coordinator,

Hello! My name is Candy Puckmie and I am responding to your ad posted in the Los Angeles Employment Pages for administrative assistants at your Cherrywood location. I am extremely excited about the prospect of working for your organization. I have attached my resume to this letter. I know you are busy, but I hope you have time to consider it.

I recently graduated from Merrywether College with a degree in Social Studies. I had a strong grade point average and I was a letter player on the Ladies’ field hockey team. My sports experience taught me how to work well on a team. I learned how to pass, hold, shoot and score without seeking recognition for myself. It felt great to be on a winning team. I think I can help the Cherrywood branch office win, too!

Although I do not have any corporate work experience, I am a fast learner. I possess essential office skills, such as the ability to answer phones, send and receive facsimile transmissions (also known as “faxes”), make photographic duplicates, brew coffee or tea, welcome clients and fill out lunch break spreadsheets. I can type 65 words per minute, and I can take dictation. I am familiar with Microsoft Office 2007®, Lotus Notes® and Internet Explorer®. I can also perform a variety of sexual functions, including erotic massage, manual manipulation, fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus, girl-on-girl and yoga-influenced maneuvers. References and performance scores are available upon request. I am also qualified to provide full service to senior managers and clients alike.

In 2007, I was voted “cheeriest sister” at my school sorority (Lamda Delta Sigma). I smile a lot and I respond well to instructions. Basically, I do what I am told. I do not question or think about my instructions; I just get things done fast. I do not have a husband and I am willing to work nights, weekends and holidays if needed. I would be happy and honored to serve your organization and your managers. I believe I would make a strong addition to the team because I am productive. Last year, I won an intra-school award for best yearbook paper collating production. That shows how productive I am. If you need 25 brochures mailed by 5 PM, I will have it done by 2:45 PM. I promise to bring my spirit of hard work, dedication, productivity, spectacular company service and loyalty to your organization. I really want to start working for you! Seriously, I want this job. I mean, I really want it.

I am willing to work for very reasonable rates. I realize that this is a difficult economy and that you will receive many applications for this position. But unlike my competitors, I am willing to go the extra mile. I am so eager to serve you that I will work for nominal or symbolic pay. Unlike my competitors, I do not expect to receive the $24,500 offered in your advertisement. I will work for free. I want to be an employee and I want you to treat me like one. If you want to give me a $5.00 bill once in a while, I would take it, but you do not have to. You could even pay me 10 Vietnamese Dong per year; I would not object. I do not need health benefits, either; your company is under enough stress as it is without worrying about my health. I will be fine; it will take a lot more than illness to keep me away from work. Only death or total physical and mental incapacitation will keep me out of the office. As explained, I just want to work to satisfy you and your company’s interests. Despite my lack of experience, I believe that my dedication, spunk and willingness to learn will go a long way to please you. I was born to serve. I want to do what I was born to do, even if I do not get paid for it.

Thank you for reading my cover letter. I am ready to do anything you ask for no pay and no benefits. I know that makes me a much more attractive candidate than those who demand salaries and health insurance. I am also patriotic, smart and enthusiastic. I know what it means to play on a winning team and I know how to serve my betters. I sincerely hope that you enjoy my resume. I look forward to serving you and your company. Let’s stop talking; let’s start working! I’m ready to go!

Thanks a million,

Ms. Candy Puckmie

CUTTING OUT DEAD WEIGHT AT YOUR BUSINESS

As featured in:

EMPLOYERS’ WORLD WEEKLY VOL. 24 – WINTER 2009

By : Mr. Robert D. Klinger, M.S., CEO, Nickel-Dime Productivity Consultants LLC

Running a business is never easy. It is not easy to maintain growth, meet weekly payroll, hire, fire, advertise and win new accounts. In America, consumers depend on competition between businesses in order to enjoy lower prices. Competition undoubtedly helps consumers. But it makes life difficult on businesses, since they must always stay one step ahead of their rivals. In today’s world, that is no easy task.

Good businesses are watchful employers. Employers provide jobs to Americans. Yet in dark economic times like these, hiring is simply not an option. Employees cost money. Many businesses today struggle to stay open, let alone provide work to others. Some businesses always have positions open. But most do not. Employers need good employees to stay afloat. And because you cannot hire these days, you must learn how to retain existing employees.

It is no longer 1998. The internet boom has come and gone. President Bush briefly restored luster to the economy with war in 2003, but in recent years the markets have steadily declined. There is no more money for new hires. Now, employers must operate on shoestring budgets. They must avoid unnecessary costs. To that extent, it is becoming increasingly important to oversee employees’ productivity levels. Because businesses cannot afford new employees, they must ensure that their existing employees are doing their jobs. This may sound easy, but employee oversight is a tricky business. We can help.

Nickel-Dime Productivity Consultants LLC has pioneered employee productivity monitoring since 2006. We have simple motto: “Do It Now. Do It Faster. Every Time.®” We believe that well-supervised employees can produce more in an hour than an unsupervised employee can produce in three. We offer several proprietary productivity-enhancing methods, including PrivacyBuster®, PersonalCallKiller® and AutoLunchBreak®. Applying these methods, we ensure that your employees spend every minute on your premises for your purposes only. Our special software protocols provide you 24-hour alerts whenever your employees are eating on the clock. Our patented EmployeeCam® allows you to see exactly what your employees see at a particular moment. If you do not like the websites they are visiting, or if you see them reading a newspaper instead of working, you can immediately send an electric shock through our patented closed-circuit 500-volt Grindstone® system installed at every employee’s work station. Grindstone® is particularly popular. Several customers advise their employees: “Either you come here to work or you’re in for a shocking experience.”

Productivity management does not stop with slacker monitoring. To maintain healthy profit levels at all times, employers must cut out dead weight. To do this, it is essential to identify corpses. Corpses make highly unreliable employees. Recent market research discloses that as many as 34% of all wage-earners are corpses. A corpse is the body of a dead employee. Yet dead employees are difficult to distinguish from living employees. In the modern workplace, a dead employee may sit at his or her work station for days or even weeks without anyone ever noticing. Corpses continue receiving pay and health benefits until you discover them, wasting valuable funds. Because living employees act in virtually the same fashion as their dead counterparts, good managers must know how to identify corpses before they put a burden on business.

Corpses generally do not move much. But because seated, living employees do not move much either, it is important to look for more tell-tale signs that an employee may be dead. Smell is a reliable indicator that your employee is a corpse. Corpses exude a pungent, rotting odor within a week after death. Nonetheless, living employees, too, may exude pungent, rotting odors while they are still alive. Thus, smell alone does not provide firm evidence that an employee is dead. It would not be fair to fire a living employee simply because she smelled like a corpse. In the interest of fairness, a prudent manager must look beyond smell to determine whether an employee is a corpse.

Corpses rarely speak. Dead bodies do not frequently utter noises, except at the moment of death, when they gasp, groan, or release air in some way. At this moment, the soon-to-be corpse may cry out weakly: “I’m going,” or “Urrrrghhh.” Although these utterances may provide some proof that an employee is dead, it is statistically unlikely that fellow employees will hear them. Furthermore, even living employees say: “I’m going,” or “Urrrrghhh,” depending on the circumstances. For example, a productive employee who has properly clocked out may say: “I’m going,” before heading to the break room for a coffee. Similarly, a productive employee may say: “Urrrghhh” when confronting a discouraging work situation. Additionally, lack of speech alone cannot determine whether an employee is a corpse. Good managers do not allow their employees to speak during the day. The fact that an employee does not speak for hours or days at a time does not prove—in itself—that the employee is a corpse. Put another way, corpses are predominately silent; but good employees are, too.

Corpses do not respond to most sensory stimuli. When touched, a corpse ordinarily will not look to see what touched it. Similarly, when addressed, a corpse will not verbally respond. Although these signs tend to show that an employee is dead, there are many cases in which living employees, too, do not respond to stimuli. Good employees keep their minds on their work. When they refuse to respond to coworkers’ jokes or banter, they show their focus. Good employees even ignore direct physical touching. They keep on working. To that extent, failure to respond to stimuli does not definitively prove that an employee is a corpse. He or she may not be dead; he or she may be simply an extremely focused, productive worker who is “in the zone.”

Corpses are dead. For that reason, they do not get up and go home at the end of each workday. By contrast, living employees get up and go home at the end of each workday. Many productivity managers can spot corpses when they see an employee slumped over his or her desk long after business hours. But again, appearances can be deceiving. Although most employees “call it a day” by 8 PM, the best employees stay at the office as long as it takes to get the job done. In fact, the most dedicated employees pull “all-nighters” on a regular basis. For that reason, it is easy to mistake a corpse for a dedicated employee: They both remain at their workstations until the wee hours and beyond. While less motivated employees go home, dedicated employees and corpses stay behind.

Spotting corpses is difficult. Despite this, good productivity practice requires it. In these sparse times, businesses cannot afford to spend precious resources on corpses. There is simply not enough money. Businesses can afford only to keep dedicated employees on board. Because corpses resemble dedicated employees, learning how to spot corpses becomes doubly important. We recommend applying a multi-pronged strategy to determine whether an employee is a corpse. Applying the factors listed above, one may generalize as follows: “An employee is a corpse when, after more than a week, he or she has not left his or her desk, smells like rotting meat, has not substantially changed physical position, emitted a gasping or gurgling sound sometime within the last seven days, and since that time has not responded to sensory stimuli of any kind.”

If the employee in question exhibits all of these characteristics, it is likely that he or she has died. Dead employees are corpses. Corpses are not productive. Business cannot survive without maximum productivity at all times. Corpses make that task impossible. In that light, we recommend firing the corpse immediately after determining that it is not a dedicated employee.

If you are a productivity manager and you suspect that some of your employees may be corpses, call Nickel-Dime Productivity Consultants LLC today for a free consultation at 1-800-HES-GONE. There is no obligation. You owe it to your business. Stop corpses from bilking your hard-earned profits. Call now.