NAUGHTY BAILED-OUT BANKERS ARE ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE

Советские Решения Современных Экономических Проблем в Америке Обамы

(SOVIET SOLUTIONS TO CONTEMPORARY ECONOMIC PROBLEMS IN OBAMA'S AMERICA)

By : Mr. Lavrenty Pavlovich Beria, Member, Communist Party of the Soviet Union; Commissioner, National Office of Internal Affairs (NKVD)(1938-1945); Senior Investigator, People's Commissariat to Eradicate Spies, Traitors and Unpatriotic Defeatists Uncommitted to the Public Good (1934-1948); Close Confidant to Joseph Stalin (1926-1953); Orchestrator of Soviet Wartime Production (1941-1945); Manager of Undesirable Population Relocation Program to Central Asia (1941-1951); People's Prosecutor against Lithuanian, Polish, Latvian, Estonian, Ukrainian, German, Hungarian, Czech, Romanian, Slovak and Yugoslavian Traitors and Capitalist Counter-Revolutionary Troublemakers (1938-1953); Pistol Enthusiast and Marksman; Executed 1953; Resurrected 2010.

I am here in America at the request of the Chairman of the Federal Reserve System, Mr. Ben Shalom Bernanke. This Mr. Bernanke--Jewish capitalist intellectual counterrevolutionary though he may be--is a capable man. He understands that your country is in grave danger. He knows that the American economy is teetering on the brink. Most importantly, he understands that traditional "American" methods will not return your country to prosperity. That is why he called me.

Let me briefly summarize my conversation with Mr. Bernanke. He said that the United States is now suffering from a "persistent recession" that has resulted in massive unemployment. He attributed this "recession" to unregulated banking practices and large-scale greed among large financial firms. He also informed me that government has begun playing a much larger role in private financial affairs. He even said that government has paid billions to private banks in order to prevent them from failing. I believe I say this correctly: Your government "bailed out" the wealthiest capitalist pigs in order to allow them to continue loaning money to everyone else.

I applaud America's new commitment to government intervention in the economy. Although it does not come close to the Soviet example, it nonetheless represents a step in the right direction. In Stalin's Russia, we regulate everything. There is no private property. The State owns the banks. If a miserable little banker gets out of line, we shoot him and bury him in an unmarked grave. We even shoot his children and wife. That's how we regulate bankers in Russia. True, this frightens bankers. But it also prevents them from defrauding the people. Sometimes pistols are more effective than laws.

I understand that your country is not the Soviet Union. Mr. Bernanke informed me, however, that these ungrateful bankers have actually taken government money and used it to pay their own bonuses. Additionally, they have thumbed their noses at the very government that saved them from ruin. Mr. Bernanke told me that "something must be done" about these devious, greedy bankers. He asked my advice on the subject.

I am happy to lend my expertise in dealing with your banking problem. First off, let us understand the situation. Your government has taken an unprecedented step to rescue private banks from their own capitalist follies. It has actually given State money in order to prevent them from failing. In return, government can expect allegiance from the banks. In essence, "bailed-out" banks are no longer private. By taking government money, they have subjected themselves to government regulation. They have ceded their private nature. As such, they must listen to your orders. If they don't, they must suffer serious consequences.

Yet now the bankers act as if they never took your money. Worse, they have used your money to invest in the evil New York stock market, where they earned spectacular profits. Rather than return the money to you, they have insolently awarded themselves monstrous bonuses and sent their children on European vacations. They have renovated their villas and hired high-priced prostitutes for week-long champagne orgies at sultry Caribbean hideaways. They have purchased long yachts, "cigarette boats" and Bentley automobiles. They have gallivanted on million-dollar ski trips. All the while, they have refused to hire more workers or act in the public good. To the contrary, they have done little but enrich themselves. They are having the time of their lives--all thanks to government funds.

I share your disgust with these ungrateful outlaws. I am pleased to offer my assistance in "regulating" them. They are Enemies of the People.

We must increase our regulation efforts. Your country must cease relying on "laws" and "procedures" to tame wayward bankers. You will only stop naughty bankers by adopting Soviet-style banking regulations. Bankers are ruthless pirates by nature. Ruthless pirates only understand one language: Brutality. If America wishes to rein in these pirates, it must start regulating with pistols.

Let me explain what I mean by "pistol regulation." As Commissioner of the Secret State Police in the Soviet Union, I became an expert in the craft. Here’s how it works: Once I identify an enemy of the People, I quickly dispatch agents to his home at about 4:30 AM. Generally, most people are either asleep or just waking up at that time--even ambitious capitalist pigs like your wayward bankers. They are in no position to resist ten armed police agents. Most surrender without a fight. In fact, very few ever know we're coming. We investigate in secret.

Once taken into custody, my agents bring the enemy to a secret building with no windows. There, a State security agent informs the enemy why he is an enemy, then tells him to explain himself. This is just a formality: Nothing he says will save him. Basically, it just gives us an opportunity to have a good laugh while the man pisses himself, falls on his knees and begs for mercy. After we've laughed enough, we bring in an officer who says he has judicial power to pronounce sentence. He gravely tells the enemy that he has been found guilty of treason, at which time several armed guards take him into another dimly-lit room. They push the enemy face first against the wall, then shoot him in the back of the head with a pistol like this one:

After that, the guards clean the blood, skull fragments and brains off the floor, remove the body and send it off for cremation. Then I release a press statement describing the enemy's crimes against the people. I close the statement by noting that the "dangerous enemy" has "faced justice for high treason."

Now, once your naughty bankers know that they may face "pistol regulation" for squandering State funds, they will think twice about buying new homes and throwing lavish dinner parties. In fact, some might even invest their money in public projects or--God forbid--hire some people. As you can see, "pistol regulation" carries two benefits. First, it eliminates bad behavior, like embezzling public money. Second, it encourages good behavior, like reducing unemployment. After all, no one wants to get that knock on the door at 4:30 AM. Bankers start behaving much better once they notice that their greedy colleagues aren't in their offices anymore.

You have made a wise decision to enlist my help in regulating your financial industry. You understand that your traditional "American" methods will not impress these rapacious profit-hounds. To the contrary, your entire constitutional system--with its burdensome right to counsel, "independent judiciary" and "proof beyond a reasonable doubt" procedure--favors the accused. Worse, when the accused has money--as these bankers do--it is even more difficult to convict them. Even then, it takes years for appeals to pass. Plus there's a chance that banker-friendly judges will free their pals. Under your laws, you can't even execute these piratical bankers for their offenses.

This is simply unacceptable: You need Soviet "pistol regulation" or these dogs will walk all over you with "procedures."

Still, you can do it. You have already made an unprecedented step by allowing the government to intervene in the economy. Now, you must take the next step by holding bailed-out bankers to their bargains. If a banker takes government money, he must do as the government says. No more can you tolerate their ingratitude. It is not just embarrassing. It is bad for the country.

To that end, I will do my part to hunt down these criminals. Their lawyers and cash bribes will not stop my agents from putting bullets in their brains. I have wide experience sniffing out wrongdoing; nothing escapes my notice. We will work together to send a simple message: "If you take government money, you had better not use it to pay your own bonus."

I will find every banker who scoffs at government regulation. Believe me, they won't be scoffing after my agents show up at their swanky penthouses at 4:30 in the morning. In fact, they'll be crying, begging, moaning, wailing, pissing and shitting themselves. A few will get angry and shout. But my men will pistol-whip them until they behave.

Enough talking. Let's get to work. We have an industry to regulate. And we have Enemies of the People to eliminate.

STOP WHINING ; START WORKING

GET A JOB, WILL YOU?

By : Mr. Curtis J. Walters, B.A., Senior Recruiting Officer, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold, P.C., a Fortune 400 Accounting Firm Specializing in Corporate Finance.

Since September, it has been increasingly difficult for Americans to find employment. Despite their zeal to work, unskilled laborers, recent college grads and even highly educated professionals struggle to find jobs. Cascading losses in the stock market erased decades of gains, vaporizing corporate capital, endangering pension plans and forcing companies to tighten their financial belts. In short, there is not as much money to go around as there was a year ago. And when there is not enough money in corporate budgets, employees get cut. In most cases, employee cuts have nothing to do with employee quality; companies just do not have enough money to both keep paying people wages and maintain suitable shareholder returns. When it comes between employee wages and shareholder returns, there is only one conceivable winner: Shareholder returns. In our economy, shareholders are more important than wage-earners. Shareholders have capital to invest. Capital is necessary to create employment in the first place. Thus, shareholders deserve greater consideration than the employees their money creates.

But there is hope for job-seekers all over the country. Today, I am pleased to announce some good news for employees. For the first time since September, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold is hiring. We are proud to offer employment opportunities at a time when many companies cannot fathom the thought of additional expenditures. We support American workers because American workers are the best at what they do. We also understand that American workers like working. Working gives them a sense of purpose and direction in life. At Lynch Scrupple, we salute American workers for their ethic and dedication. We are pleased to offer them an opportunity to provide vigorous service for a major company. We recognize that unemployment is bad. That is why we are doing our part to help solve the problem.

Lynch Scrupple can hire because we are innovators. Other companies do not hire because they cannot escape traditional thinking about employment. They think they do not have enough capital to invest in new employees. They think they need money to hire. Put simply, they assume that you need to pay employees. But at Lynch Scrupple, we think boldly. We believe that we can hire and expand our business without losing capital because we are flexible enough to buck tradition. We are innovators. We do not imprison ourselves in the past. When it comes to employment, we are progressive.

So what exactly do we do? We no longer pay our new hires. Rather, we offer them the opportunity to render dedicated service for a Fortune 400 corporation. We offer real-world work experience without wages, benefits or opportunities for promotion. Instead, we translate our workers’ efforts into real returns for our shareholders without a corresponding outlay in wages. We offer jobs to anyone who wants to work. But we make it clear from the outset that we will not pay people for their work. We acknowledge that Americans want to work. We give them that opportunity. We simply do not pay them for their labor. Since initiating our “pay-free” employment program, we have received a veritable flood of applications. In this market, beggars can’t be choosers. It is not 1999; it is 2009. Quite simply, employees today understand that it is unreasonable to expect wages, pay, salary and compensation from their employers. Employers have pressing problems of their own; employees understand that employers cannot afford luxuries such as wages anymore.

We find it admirable that modern job seekers recognize corporate problems. Unlike selfish workers in years past, modern employees put their employers’ needs before their own. They do not make obscene demands for pay, benefits, safe working conditions or equal promotion opportunities. Rather, modern employees take simple joy in service. They just want a job, whether it pays or not. They simply want a place to show up every morning and to render service until the late afternoon. Pay is a 20th Century concept, and 21st Century employees do not expect it. They know that jobs are scarce. They are willing to make compromises. Further, they understand that they would have no job at all if they demanded wages. After all, companies today could not survive if they had to pay their new employees. If companies wasted their money on employees, that money would not make its way to the shareholders. And if the shareholders do not make enough money, they will bail out on their investments, destroying the company. In this sense, employees understand that they must forgo pay in order to sustain the economy. We praise modern employees for their selflessness and dedication to service.

Dutiful modern employees do not expect pay or benefits. But there remain workers who cannot adjust their thinking to 21st Century commercial realities. These workers demand pay, health insurance, safe working conditions, air conditioning in the summer, heat in the winter and even flex pay for transit to and from work. They demand overtime, holiday pay, family leave, maternity leave, lunch breaks, seats, vacations, income credits, discrimination-free opportunities and promotions. Put simply, these old-fashioned thinkers will never get a job in today’s market. They can demand all they want; they will stay unemployed. Millions of eager young employees are lining up to work without pay and benefits. Why would a company hire some incorrigible old bat who demands pay when it could just as easily hire a fanatical college graduate who is willing to work 80 hours a week without pay to do the same job? It is simple mathematics: The free employee generates income for the company without a corresponding outlay in wages. The salaried employee, by contrast, generates the same income for the company, but costs money to sustain. In today’s market, any expense is too much. That is why these old-fashioned employees will never get a job today. Modern employees take satisfaction in service; old-fashioned employees serve only themselves. In today’s market, there is no room for selfishness. Modern employees understand that.

We are proud to offer employment opportunities to Americans during these dark economic times. Additionally, we are proud to provide dignified, rewarding work to all those who want to serve. We have a place for everyone in our organization. Unlike other companies, we do not mistreat our employees. We do not beat or torture delinquent workers, nor do we forcibly muzzle employees for talking too much on the job. Unlike other companies, we do not force workers to jump out windows or walk on hot coals to please their supervisors. Rather, we simply provide desks, chairs, computers, telephones, fax machines, paper, file cabinets and electricity necessary to carry out company business. We do not pay our employees or provide benefits; but we do not physically torture them, either. While we might inflict mental torture from time to time, that is a bearable workplace burden. And compared to unemployment, mental torture at work is a light burden. Every American worker knows that mental torture while employed is superior to tranquility while unemployed. Employment represents a reward in itself. Every American would rather suffer mental torture at work than sit unemployed at home. Americans have a purpose. When they are unemployed, they are not fulfilling it.

We provide Americans the means to fulfill their purpose. At the same time, we reinvigorate the economy by spurring shareholder satisfaction and company growth. By rethinking the employment paradigm in America, we make everybody happy. We make the employee happy by offering a place to escape unemployment. We make the shareholders happy by generating profits without a corresponding increase in expenses. Finally, we make the country happy by revitalizing the economy through increased overall company profit, which in turn translates into higher tax revenue and capital investment.

We do all this merely by refusing to pay our employees. Contrary to all expectations, modern American workers did not recoil from Lynch Scrupple’s new business model. They did not run away when we announced that they would no longer receive pay for their work. Rather, they rallied to us. They redoubled their efforts. They took psychic satisfaction—and remuneration—in company service alone. They showed us that they were not working for us “just for the money;” they were working for us because they love service. In short, we have happy, productive employees even though they receive no money for their work. They are happy to be working. Anything beats unemployment, even demeaning employment without pay, benefits or opportunity for advancement. After all, unemployment is the ultimate indignity. When Americans are unemployed, they feel that they are failing in their life mission. Unpaid work is better than no work at all.

In these dark times, we are proud to provide a means for Americans to escape the specter of unemployment. Our workers reflect their gratitude for our confidence in them with boundless productivity. They are thankful that we saved them from unemployment. When everyone told them it was impossible to get a job in today’s market, we defied the odds. We gave them work. We might not pay them or give them air conditioning. We might even require women to come back to work the day after giving birth. But at least our employees can say: “I work for Lynch Scrupple.” That sure beats saying: “I am unemployed.” In America, any job is better than no job. That is what we believe. And we believe in America’s workers.

Are you out of work? Are you feeling desperate? Have people told you that you will never get a job? We won’t deny that times are tough. But if you believe in yourself, you can find employment. The search begins with you. Don’t think like a 20th Century man. Get real. It’s 2009; nobody gets paid anymore. If you are holding out for a job with pay, benefits, vacations and a future, stop deluding yourself. Be modern. Join us at Lynch Scrupple. We can use you. Submit an application today—and escape unemployment tomorrow. It’s time to look at employment in a whole new way—a modern way.