LOVE, HAPPINESS AND MARRIAGE--BY CONTRACT

MARRIAGE CONTRACT

PREAMBLE

This Marriage Contract represents a Binding Agreement, Meeting of the Minds and Mutual Promise by and between Mr. Kyle G. Hurt (“Groom”) and Ms. Annabella H. Keefe (“Bride”). Hereinafter, Groom and Bride shall be known as the “Parties” for purposes of this Marriage Contract. Following execution of this Marriage Contract, Parties shall respectively be known as “The Husband” and “The Wife” unless and until this Marriage Contract be rescinded, annulled, cancelled or otherwise terminated by applicable Divorce Proceedings and Property Division Procedures pursuant to the law of the State wherein The Husband and The Wife reside at the time such proceedings are initiated. By this solemn Marriage Contract, Parties intend to be bound by the terms, provisions, obligations and promises contained herein, it being the Wish and Desire of the Parties to establish herethrough a legally-cognizable, enforceable economic relationship for the purposes of: (1) mutual enrichment; (2) tax advantage; and (3) child production and rearing (subject to exceptions, qualifications and limitations as provided herein). Although Parties profess love and understanding for one another as of the date of this Marriage Contract, Parties expressly disavow any intent to make love or understanding the basis—either in law or fact—for this Marriage Contract.

SUBSTANTIVE PROVISIONS

1. Mr. Kyle G. Hurt (“Groom”) is an unmarried male, aged 34, resident in and for the State of New York, County of New York, City of New York, Country of the United States of America, established 1776.

2. Ms. Annabella H. Keefe (“Bride”) is an unmarried female, aged 24, resident in and for the State of New York, County of New York, City of New York, Country of the United States, established 1776.

3. Groom certifies under oath and penalty of perjury that he suffers neither from debilitating mental illness, erectile dysfunction, sexually-transmitted disease, low sperm count, schizophrenia, mania, nor any other physical or mental ailment relevant to the performance of the marital promises made herein, including homosexuality or a tendency—whether real or imagined—to find males attractive. Groom further certifies that he is competent under law to make the promises set forth in this Marriage Contract.

4. Bride certifies under oath and penalty of perjury that she suffers neither from debilitating mental illness, sexually-transmitted disease, schizophrenia, Tourette’s Syndrome, mania nor any other physical or mental ailment relevant to the performance of the marital promises made herein, including lesbianism or a tendency—whether real or imagined—to find females attractive. Bride further certifies that she is competent under law to make the promises set forth in this Marriage Contract.

5. Bride certifies further that she does not watch, and has never watched, the Sex in the City television show, nor does she hold any secret aspiration to lead a life similar in substantial part to any female character in aforenamed Sex in the City television show, it being mutually understood that the values expressed in aforenamed Sex in the City television show be hostile to and inconsistent with the mutual promises made in this Marriage Contract.

6. Pursuant to full and fair bargain, Groom promises to take, have, hold and keep as his lawfully-wedded wife aforementioned Bride (see supra at ¶2).

7. In exchange for and consideration of Groom’s promise contained supra at ¶6, Bride promises to take, have, hold and keep as her lawfully-wedded husband aforementioned Groom (see supra at ¶1).

8. Parties certify under oath and penalty of perjury that the promises contained in ¶¶6-7 supra resulted from a full and fair bargaining process following full disclosure and independent legal and financial counsel, any profession of love, tenderness, understanding, joy, forgiveness or hope notwithstanding.

9. Parties mutually agree and consent that all property respectively owned by each shall remain the property of each while this Marriage Contract is valid. Parties mutually agree and consent that all property obtained while this Marriage Contract is valid shall be considered “Martial Property” owned in ½ shares by the Parties, and subject to the Marital Property Division laws in the State wherein Parties reside.

10. Parties mutually agree and consent that the Property Covenants made supra at ¶9 may be altered at any time following negotiation. In such negotiation, both Groom and Bride shall vote “Yea” or “Nay.” Groom shall have a 65% vote. Bride shall have a 35% vote. Votes are final. A simple majority shall prevail. Vote results shall not be reviewable in any court, any law, constitutional provision or principle of natural justice notwithstanding, it being understood that this paragraph is the product of full and fair bargaining between the Parties.

11. Groom promises and covenants to maintain income and employment at all times while this Marriage Contract is valid.

12. Bride promises and covenants to carry out all household duties while Groom pursues income, including, but in no wise limited to: washing floors, doing dishes, cleaning bedrooms, washing laundry, ironing shirts, obtaining groceries, cooking meals, cleaning toilets, scrubbing tiles, gardening, sending mail, receiving mail, coordinating mealtime arrangements, planning weekend activities, maintaining good physical appearance, adhering to a reasonable fitness regimen, maintaining suitable breast size, maintaining a suitable body mass (no more than 110 pounds) and any other activity deemed reasonable and advisable by Groom.

13. Bride promises to provide conjugal services on demand, pursuant to notice and opportunity to be heard; but in no event shall wife be granted an opportunity to be heard if Groom, in his sole discretion and without possibility of appeal, finds that Bride has defaulted in her obligations under ¶12, supra. Bride further promises to perform conjugal services without notice at least four (4) times per month, at times directed and approved by Groom in his sole and unreviewable discretion. Groom shall have the right to define the parameters and circumstances under which such conjugal services shall take place, including the language in which such services shall be conducted, and any other individuals who shall participate in such activities, be they male or female.

14. Groom promises to provide ample conjugal services to Wife, it being understood that the term “ample conjugal services” does not include the provision of female orgasms to Bride, such “ample conjugal services” being strictly limited to coitus no longer than 60 seconds per scheduled session, pursuant to law and notice. The Parties expressly consent and agree that Bride shall in no wise be entitled to female orgasms under this Marriage Contract. The Parties further expressly consent and agree that Bride’s failure to obtain sexual satisfaction from Groom shall not constitute grounds to rescind, modify, cancel or annul this Marriage Contract.

15. Bride promises to remain faithful to Groom, it being understood that Groom possesses a common law tenancy-by-the-entirety interest in Bride’s body, the claims of others notwithstanding. In exchange therefor, Groom promises to make best efforts to remain faithful to Bride, provided in all events that Groom shall not be obligated to maintain faithfulness to Bride following arguments, disagreements and domestic strife, as those terms may be defined in applicable State law or at Groom’s sole discretion.

16. Parties mutually agree and understand that this Marriage Contract establishes a property relationship intended to secure tax advantages and the appearance of a stable, decent lifestyle. As such, this Marriage Contract makes no provision for—and is not intended to result in— emotional satisfaction, happiness, bliss or even mild contentment. Neither unhappiness, frigidity, hatred, bitterness, frustration, dissatisfaction, gloom, depression, ennui, desperation nor any other common marital emotion shall constitute grounds to rescind, modify, cancel or annul this Marriage Contract, unless Groom deems it advisable.

17. Bride promises to conceive and bear Groom’s children pursuant to notice and regularly-scheduled marital conjugal services (see ¶13, supra). Groom shall have the sole and unimpeachable right to name any children resulting therefrom; provided in all events that Groom gives due consideration to any name suggestion made by Bride, it being understood and agreed that Bride’s suggestions carry no authority whatsoever.

18. Groom promises and covenants to treat Bride fairly subject to all reasonable rules, regulations, customs and usages as may be appropriate in the circumstances. In the event that Groom subjects Bride to physical discipline pursuant to such reasonable rules, regulations, customs and usages, Bride promises and covenants never to contact police authorities in reference thereto. Parties mutually agree and understand that Groom has the sole right to mete out family discipline, except in those cases in which Groom requests discipline incident to regularly-scheduled conjugal services (see ¶13, supra).

19. In the case of domestic disagreement between the Parties, the Parties agree that Groom shall convene a Domestic Resolution Court (DRC). Such Court shall consist of Groom presiding as Chief Justice. Such Court shall decide all cases and controversies pursuant to law without right to appeal or argument, the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution notwithstanding. Bride shall not have the right to seek counsel in cases before the Domestic Resolution Court, the Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution notwithstanding. Bride further must bear all attorneys’ fees and costs associated with any case or controversy pending before the Domestic Resolution Court. Groom promises to publish all decisions made by the Domestic Resolution Court, except those passages that may reasonably impinge upon national security. See, e.g., Cheney v. United States, 198 D.R.C. 139, 157 (2007).

20. Parties mutually declare that they love and respect one another. But Parties further mutually declare that this Marriage Contract establishes a legal relationship governing property and allocating rights and obligations. Parties hereby mutually declare that they intend to adhere to their obligations in good faith, pursuant to law, and without waiving any right contractually guaranteed hereunder. Parties mutually declare that neither love nor respect shall influence the interpretation of any substantive or procedural provision enumerated in this Marriage Contract. Rather, Parties mutually agree that only the common law shall provide a basis to construe any ambiguities contained herein, with a presumption that all provisions contained in this Marriage Contract be reasonable and fair, unless such provisions favor Bride.

21. This Marriage Contract represents a full and final integration between the Parties. Neither prior nor contemporaneous oral statements, nor prior written statements, shall be admitted to modify, vary or negate any provision enumerated herein. But Groom may vary any provision—either orally or in writing—as he deems necessary and proper.

22. The Law of the State of Nebraska shall govern this Marriage Contract. In case of dispute involving this Marriage Contract, Bride hereby waives her right to a jury trial thereon, the Seventh Amendment to the United States Constitution or any comparable State constitutional guarantee notwithstanding. In all such disputes, Groom shall convene a Mandatory Arbitration Panel (MAP) consisting of himself and his mother to fully and fairly adjudicate any grievances pursuant to law and notice. But in no event shall Bride be entitled to any evidentiary presumption or procedural advantage granted by any State evidence code, the Federal Rules of Evidence or the United States Constitution. All decisions of aforesaid Mandatory Arbitration Panel (MAP) shall be final, with all costs to be borne unconditionally, and without discount, by Bride.

23. This Marriage Contract shall be read aloud in full prior to the exchange of marriage vows and rings, publicly, on June 14, 2009, in the presence of a notary public and a judge of the Supreme Court of the State of New York, New York County.

24. The Parties may kiss only after execution of this Marriage Contract pursuant to all formalities and evidentiary procedures under State law.


DONE and EXECUTED this ____ day of ____, 2009


Witness our hands in Holy Matrimony set unto,




________________________
KYLE G. HURT
Hereafter, “MR. HURT”
Groom-Husband-Party

________________________
ANNABELLA H. KEEFE
Hereafter, “MRS. HURT”
Bride-Wife-Party

________________________
BERNABE H. RODRIGUEZ
Notary Public
Nuestro Cambio en la Grand Concourse
Bronx, NY
License No. : NY-1097F-G

At New York, New York.

A WARNING

Issued By :

THE DEPARTMENT FOR CORRECT LIVING & CONVENTIONAL CHOICES

Have you dedicated your life to making the right decisions? From day one, have you believed that the pathway to success is to study hard, work hard, get married, have children, go on vacation, eat meals, retire and die? If you have, we salute you. You have honored the conventions that make this Nation great. Conventional living brings stability. Stability brings prosperity. Prosperity brings jobs. Jobs bring money. And everyone likes money.

Do you excel at conventional living? Are you a manager at your job? Do you lead at work rather than follow? If you do, chances are you are a successful person. Successful people excel at conventional living because they follow all the rules every time. They do what they are told, make their way up the ladder and take home big paychecks. If you excel, chances are you walked a hard road to get where you are. There are many rivals on the road to conventional success, and winning is everything. There is no second place or runner-up prize for a close loss. It matters how you play the game, but winning is far more important than how you win.

To win at life, you need to work, work and work some more. Yet there are other elements in a conventional life that compete with work; and it is a challenge to balance them. To truly win at life, you not only must work more than your rivals, but you must also find the time to find an attractive wife, beget children, raise your children, go on family vacations and buy Christmas gifts each year. You must take time off work, which jeopardizes your success in the career race. But without attending to these other matters, you will not master conventional living. The truly successful man finds time to eat a balanced breakfast, work 15 hours a day, go to the gym, keep off the love handles, say good night to his children, pick up his dry cleaning and convincingly have intercourse with his wife on a semi-monthly basis. If you fail to accomplish any of these tasks, you risk your success.

Sadly, there are many "near-successful men." Most near-successful men focus exclusively on work; and for good reason. After all, work is the key to all other conventional living goals. Conventional living depends on careful planning, and careful planning depends on a reliable money source. Reliable money sources can only come from reliable, lucrative employment. Part-time jobs and contracts will not suffice. Only full-time, regular employment in a respectable field will supply the money necessary to fuel a conventional life. Near-successful men understand this. That is why they dedicate all their energy to their work. They stay hour after hour in the office, zealously advancing their employer's cause. They rightly think that enough dedicated work will eventually propel them to higher positions and a larger income. This may be true, but a man can never go beyond "near-successful" if he does not attend to conventional matters other than work.

Society mistakes near-successful men for truly successful men. Near-successful men project a confident, get-it-done attitude at work. They win their superiors' admiration with fanatical devotion to business. They stay late every night. They sacrifice their weekends to get projects done. They go on company outings and trips. They regularly travel, even to foreign countries. They do this for years on end, and their superiors reward them well. They bring home ever larger salaries and bonuses, delighting their wives. But during these "successful" years, they neglect the other key elements of successful conventional living. They get home late at night, long after their wives and children have gone to bed. They drop exhausted into their own beds, knowing that in a few hours they again will have to get up and head back to the office. They rarely see their wives and children awake. Even on weekends, they see them only for brief intervals before "putting in a Saturday afternoon at the office for client development."

This is the life of the near-successful man. Society may think that he is a great achiever. But in fact he is in great danger. Today, we present A WARNING to near-successful men: Your wife is cheating on you, you idiot. What did you expect her to do: You're never there! Did you truly put your trust in the wedding vow she gave you six years ago? Did you think she was going to let her erotic life go while you fanatically pursued an increased salary? All you do in bed is sleep. She is sick and tired of being unfulfilled. You don't even give her the emotional support she needs. When you do show up, all you do is talk about office intrigue, bosses, quarterly revenues and possible Christmas bonus amounts. True, she genuinely appreciates the life you give her, but she understands that there is more to life than sitting in a nice home and eating meals. You have not met the other requirements for a successful conventional life. And what about your children? They do not even know you because you are never there. It's always: "Daddy needs to go back to the office now," or "Maybe next time, kids." Pretty soon they will be adults and you will have spent 1 day out of every 30 with them for their whole lives.

Here at the Department, we recognize that we framed our advice in male terms. But we recognize that it is 2008. Women, too, pursue vigorous and challenging careers. We applaud them for their commitment to conventional living. Nonetheless, we present the same warning to near-successful women that we presented to near-successful men. In fact, we make an even more acute warning to working women, because women must work twice as hard to achieve the same success as a comparable male in the same industry. Your success will depend on your dogged dedication to company interests. That will leave you precious little time to be with your husband and children, assuming you elect to have children. Like the near-successful man, you too will be utterly exhausted when you return from work each night at 12 midnight. Neither you nor your husband will have the appetite or capacity to satisfy your erotic desires. Yet those desires will burn in both of you despite your efforts to suppress them. He will cheat on you, and you will cheat on him. It is merely a matter of time before it happens.

We present these warnings in order to spot trouble in your spouse before it develops. We do not advocate negative measures intended to root out cheating. That would betray the spirit of true success. After all, a truly successful man pleases both his wife and his employer. He is "near-successful" because he only satisfies his employer. Spying, suspicion and other devices intended to "catch" an unfaithful mate merely perpetuate near-success; they do not solve the underlying problem. If the man were truly successful, the wife would not even think of cheating. Thus, when a man adopts nefarious machinations to catch a desperate wife, he has admitted his own failure to please her. And when he admits that, he confesses that he is not truly successful in conventional living.

In that light, redouble your efforts. We understand how easy it is to devote all your energy to your employer. But there are other parties to please. Do not surrender. Fight harder. Tell yourself that you can work 16 hours a day, get a promotion, say good night to your children AND THEN make your wife feel like she did the first time when you were both 18. You can do it. You are almost there. You work harder than almost anyone else. You support our economy and set a wonderful example for every lazy sluggard in the world. But there is more to be done. Conquer your fatigue. Go the extra mile. Dig deeper. Remember: Life is a race. You don't want to lose, do you?