OBAMA RESIGNS; TURNS POWER OVER TO MCCAIN

OBAMA OUT ; REPUBLICANS IN

NEWS FLASH

WASHINGTON, D.C.--In a mildly surprising development, President Barack Hussein Obama resigned the Presidency at 8:03 AM today, shortly after learning that the United States Senate passed health care reform.

"This Christmas, I have decided to put America first," Mr. Obama explained. "The fact of the matter is that the Republicans don't like me. They say they have better ideas for the country. They even show up to my Presidential appearances with guns. I get the message. I'm listening. You guys have better ideas than I do. Rush Limbaugh even says I have no idea what I'm doing. He knows what he's talking about. For those reasons, I hereby cede the Presidency to Senator John McCain of Arizona."

Democrats protested President Obama's decision. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton begged the Chief Executive to stay the course. She pointed out that President Obama commanded substantial majorities in the House and Senate. She also said that the country overwhelmingly voted for his message of hope in 2008. She pointed out that Hollywood celebrities and even Oprah Winfrey adored him. "People love you," she said.

President Obama disagreed. He cited several FOX News channel polls showing that most Americans did not approve of the way he was leading the country. He also referenced a Mission Statement from the Tea Party Association of America claiming that he was "worse than Hitler" because he supported health care reform, executive compensation caps and postal service wage increases. "It is apparent to me that most people do not like the way I am doing the job. If I'm worse than Hitler, it would be best for the country if I simply step down and let bygones be bygones."

Concerning Oprah Winfrey, President Obama said: "I am grateful for Ms. Winfrey's steadfast support. But the Republicans have Rush Limbaugh. More people listen to Rush than Oprah, and more Rush listeners have rifles than Oprah listeners. I am prudent enough to know who's more important."

Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told the President: "We outnumber the Republicans 60 to 39. We outnumber them in the House. We have an opportunity to bring real change to America. We just passed health care reform. We can do anything we want in Congress."

President Obama thanked Mr. Reid for his efforts in the Senate. "It's great that you passed health care reform," he said. "But Orrin Hatch said the bill was 'mortally flawed.' All 39 Republicans voted against it. I have to listen to them. They say I am destroying the country and that I am turning the United States into a Soviet Republic. Sarah Palin even said that I am going to kill her grandparents and pets. Given these cogent criticisms, I have no choice but to resign and allow the Republicans to lead America. They obviously have a much better vision--and a stronger grasp on reality--than I do."

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called the President's decision "premature." In a phone call, Mr. Geithner asked the President to reconsider. "You must give financial reform more time. We have only begun implementing regulations on Wall Street that will make the financial industry more accountable. As you recall, unregulated securities and lending markets created the financial crisis. If we let the Republicans back into power, we could see the whole process repeat itself."

"Tim, I appreciate your concern," Mr. Obama responded. "But Bill O'Reilly called my attempts to reform the financial industry 'ludicrous.' Shepard Smith called me a 'bloodthirsty communist determined to abolish private property.' And Rush Limbaugh said I deserved to be lynched for redistributing hard-earned Wall Street money to Hurricane Katrina victims. How can I ignore these complaints? They are too intelligent for me to ignore. I obviously made the wrong decision to target runaway banks and predatory lending houses. After all, they have a right to the American dream, too. I am man enough to admit I was wrong to pursue justice."

President Obama also explained that there was no practical point in resisting the Republicans. "The bottom line is that you can't disagree with Rush, Bill O'Reilly or Greta van Susteren. And you certainly can't disagree with Lindsey Graham, John Cornyn or Kay Bailey Hutchinson. When Republicans make up their minds, there's nothing you can say to convince them otherwise. It doesn't matter that they only hold a minority in Congress; they know what they are talking about--and they have lots of guns. I have tried to introduce collegiality and bipartisanship into American government. But it is a hopeless crusade. Every time I try to extend my hand, they label me a rabble-rousing negro socialist magician. Religious leaders even call me a godless tyrant. I'm a lawyer by trade. How can I hold a reasoned dialogue with these voices? It's just no use. It is easier just to give up and let John McCain handle our problems."

"I am not afraid to listen to Republicans," President Obama said. "I have listened carefully to them. They said that my Middle East tour was 'useless play-acting.' They called my commitment to troop reductions in Iraq 'Muslim treason.' They said it was 'hypocritical' for me to increase our military presence in Afghanistan. And they called my attendance at the Copenhagen Climate Conference an 'active stance against private property in the United States.' They repeatedly point out that I live in a fantasy land, that I misunderstand the facts and that I am not really an American citizen. They claim I am all talk and no substance, and that all I can really do is give a speech and pardon turkeys."

"Put simply, I must listen to these compelling complaints. Neither the country nor I get anywhere when we ignore the Republicans. Like it or not, the Republicans speak reason and sense. True, America voted against the Republicans in 2006 and 2008. But listen to them now. They say everything that is wrong with America is my fault. People believe them. Now the American people blame me for the financial crisis and the War in Iraq. They are angry that they still can't find a job. The Republicans understand that anger; and they channel it right at me. Well, it worked. I'm done."

President Obama expressed confidence that his successors would solve all the problems he could not. "I have little doubt that John McCain will easily overcome the financial crisis and create jobs for America. As long as John listens closely to Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, there is no way he can do wrong. Sure, he might draw criticism from Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper…but a lot of good their praise did me. People like Rush and Bill because they are men's men. Wolf and Anderson are, well, a little too froofy for the average American."

"America, we tried," Mr. Obama said. "Last year, I said 'Yes We Can.' But it turns out that the Republicans can, not us. It’s time to let them put their successful ideas into practice. It is the right thing to do for America."

President Obama continued: "I have always believed in democracy. When the people want unregulated markets, inaccessible health care, torture, foreign wars, reduced civil liberty, gross class disparities, merciless credit exploitation, cultural intolerance and irresponsible corporate government, I say let them have it."

Reacting to President Obama's announcement, Sarah Palin was overjoyed: "Is this the best Christmas present a mom from Alaska could wish for? Oh, you betcha! It's a great day in America when a person like Hitler gives up. Now we can get to work and get this tea party on the road."

WINNING THE WAR ON GAY MARRIAGE : THE FINAL BATTLE

CONSIDERED OPINION

By : Msgr. Ezekiel H. Worth, Director of Moral Arguments, Save the Family Institute

Last week, America committed a grave error by electing Barack Hussein Obama as President of the United States. The liberal news media continues to gloat as it foreshadows a whole new era of vice, wickedness and moral license in America. Obama won because his opponent, John McCain, did not focus attention on the most important issue in America today: The fight against gay marriage. George W. Bush knew better in 2004. Rather than wasting time squabbling about economic problems and military deployment in Iraq, President Bush knew Americans wanted to stop gay marriage. And that’s how he beat John Kerry. McCain thought America wanted a solution to the financial crisis on Wall Street and a new energy policy. He thought wrong. Americans want only one thing: To stop the homosexual menace and to save the children.

Despite America’s colossal blunder on Election Day, voters in California achieved a notable victory: They unequivocally invalidated gay marriage in their State. In recent years, arrogant judges in States from Nebraska to Massachusetts have waged war on American values by “discovering” constitutional rights to “gay marriage.” These judicial terrorists have done violence to the American people. They have ignored American values and American morals. Worse, they have created a decadent moral climate that has emboldened homosexual infiltrators and suffocated American families. But on Election Day, voters in California spoke out to stop the terror. They said “NO” to gay marriage and the horrors it brings. We salute them for their refusal to surrender to the homosexual juggernaut.

Why is it so important to stop gay marriage? Simple: Because gay marriage obliterates families. Families begin with a single man and single woman. Men and women bear and beget children. Men and women make commitments to each other. Men and women love their children. Only men and women can teach virtue and good. And only children raised with mothers and fathers can develop into productive American citizens. Gay marriage destroys this dynamic. By destroying families, gay marriage eradicates the very foundation of our civilization. Without families, children will not develop properly. They will turn into thieves, drug addicts, murderers, cheaters, liars and thugs. They will grow into criminals, idlers and godless pleasure-seekers. Is it not obvious that we must act quickly to protect families? Although California understood the threat, we believe it is important to set forth detailed reasons why gay marriage must be stopped.

By allowing a man to marry a man, men will no longer marry women. This is a frightening truth. In one fell swoop, all normal marriage will be destroyed. Additionally, when a man marries a man, all existing marriages will mean nothing. Several prominent social scientists have proven that this will happen. They call it the “atomic reaction.” When homosexuals marry, all other marriages are immediately destroyed, as if in an atomic blast. Consider how destructive this is. Without marriage, men and women cannot raise children. Without a stable relationship in which to raise children, the entire fabric of our Nation will disintegrate. Put simply, homosexuals cannot be allowed to marry. If they do, men will no longer be able to marry women, and existing marriages will collapse overnight.

Homosexuals are deviant, unnatural, noncommittal, immoral, vain, crude, brutal, conniving, violent, lustful, cruel, disingenuous, dishonest, savage, insensate, animalistic and unscrupulous. Men have known this for generations. The Scripture rebukes: “Men [who] left natural sexual intercourse with women…[and who] were inflamed with lust with one another…God delivered them over to a worthless mind to do what it is wrong. They are filled with all unrighteousness, evil, greed and wickedness. They are full of envy, murder, disputes, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving and unmerciful. Although they know full well God’s just sentence—that those who practice such things deserve to die—they not only do them, but even applaud others who practice them.” Romans Ch. 1:27-32. This is the Word of God. How can any relationship between two such men result in anything other than wickedness? After all, Jesus said: “A good tree cannot bear evil fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” Matthew Ch. 7:18. Worse, how can we allow innocent children to fall into the hands of such villains?

Homosexual relationships are fundamentally illegitimate because homosexuals are evil. When the law recognizes gay marriage, it winks to evil. Our Nation cannot tolerate this. Not only does gay marriage destroy existing marriages, but it also plunges the entire country into moral wretchedness. By allowing even one gay marriage, the State conspires with evil.

State apologists say they allow gay marriage because they wish to “protect the dignity and rights of all its citizens.” Equality is a fine principle, but not when it threatens families. Furthermore, not every citizen can or should have equal rights. Indeed, not all citizens can vote. Convicted felons—who grossly deviate from societal norms—forfeit many rights. Our society rightly believes that certain blameworthy citizens are not worthy to enjoy the full benefits of citizenship. Homosexuals, too, grossly deviate from societal norms. In fact, they are intrinsically evil and spread pestilence wherever they go. They are 450 times more likely to abuse children than heterosexuals. Thus, it should not trouble us to withhold from them certain rights. Those who deviate from normal behavior have no claim to every privilege in our State. Homosexuals—who in a sense are worse than convicted felons because they are evil by nature—cannot complain that they may not marry. While our State and Federal Constitutions may promise “Equal Protection of the law,” that simply means that two similar people must be treated the same. But a homosexual is not similar to a normal person. For that reason, there is nothing constitutionally impermissible about denying a legal advantage to a homosexual. He is not in the category entitled to “equal protection.” Thus, the law may treat him differently.

Gay marriage is wrong. It is enough to say that homosexuals are evil and that marriages between men will destroy marriages between men and women. But there are other, more practical reasons that should persuade even the most skeptical reader that gay marriage must be stopped at all costs. First, when we alter marriage, we open a Pandora’s box. If gay marriage is allowed, what is next? Ten-person marriages? Man-goat marriages? There is no logical stopping point to the madness that gay marriage unlocks. By allowing gay marriage, we undermine the most sacred relationship in Western civilization. And once we allow it, we will inevitably be forced to recognize ever more ludicrous relationships. Some may scoff at this assertion. But what about the children? It is bad enough that children may have to live in an evil gay household. Yet once the marriage wall falls, children may have to live in man-goat households. This should shock us. We must take a stand against gay marriage now, before men begin marrying farm animals and raising children with hogs.

Second, gay marriage causes men and women to divorce. This is verifiable. Since States have allowed limited unions between homosexuals, divorce rates between men and women have reached an all-time high. Why? Because homosexuals are marrying. The mere sight of two men at a wedding has caused countless normal couples to give up on their sacred commitment. Divorce leads to fornication and child abandonment. These are both dire alternatives. To prevent these problems, we must act to stop divorce. We can stop divorce by banning gay marriage. Thus, by banning gay marriage, we keep men and women together and we help the children. Men and women love their children. They do not abandon their children unless gays marry.

Third, allowing gay marriage endorses frivolity in romantic life. In days past, men and women solemnly took an oath to stand by one another for all their days, in sickness and in health. These are stern commitments. Those commitments created a stable, loving environment in which to bear and raise children. Homosexuals, on the other hand, do not know what it means to commit to anything. They are scatterbrained, frivolous, undisciplined and vacillating. Oaths mean nothing to them. Only men and women can take an oath seriously. Homosexuals say one thing and do another. Such attitudes are incompatible with good family virtues. Worse, such attitudes should never be taught to children. Yet gay marriage allows such virtues to pass unchecked to children. Consider the danger this poses to future generations: The entire population will be noncommittal, vain, unreliable and untrustworthy. Only traditional marriage can fortify the spirit of honor and commitment that makes this country great. Men and women are not frivolous. They live honorably and tell the truth. By allowing gay marriage, however, honor, trust and dignity will be destroyed for all time.

Fourth, gay marriage will put an intolerable burden on the Federal social security system. Today, the system can barely pay for widowed dependents. By allowing gay marriage, an entire new class of married dependents will suddenly materialize overnight. This will dramatically increase the government’s social security liability. This, in turn, will lead to higher taxes, fewer jobs and reduced economic growth. Gay marriage, then, poses a grave economic threat. By banning gay marriage, we will save the country not only from moral, but also financial ruin.

These reasons should suffice to convince anyone that gay marriage is the most crucial issue facing the Nation today. With an avowed liberal like Barack Hussein Obama in the White House, we truly fear for the future. As a black man, he all too readily sympathizes with the erroneous rhetoric of the civil rights movement. He readily compares the “quest” of homosexuals for equality to the “quest” of black Americans for equality. He believes that homosexuals have rights under the law and the Constitution. He will press these dangerous ideas during his time in office. In so doing, he will make war on American families.

We can only hope that wisdom will prevail in the dark years ahead. We must continue the war against gay marriage. It is a war we cannot afford to lose. It is a war against evil. It is a war for our children. If you care about commitment, you will take up arms with us. If you care about social security, you will take up arms with us. If you care about the Holy Scripture, you will take up arms with us. If you refuse to allow America to follow in the footsteps of Holland and Belgium, you will take up arms with us. If you refuse to allow man-goat relationships, you will take up arms with us. In a word, we must rise up against the homosexual menace. We will not allow President “Hussein” Obama to wage war on American families. We trust that Americans will soon awaken from their moral slumber to stop homosexual terror. The American people will never surrender to the malicious gay hordes. They will take up arms and revolt.

It is time for a Second American Revolution against the homosexual tyrants and their elitist Ivy-League bankrollers—and we will win.

ONE LAST WORD BEFORE THE ELECTION

Since launching this site, I have routinely posted "Political Party Statements" that satirize campaign rhetoric. The Presidential Race did not inspire these posts, and I will continue writing them for the foreseeable future. I will continue tagging them "Political Parties," but I will leave off the "Election 2008" label. Political rhetoric will long outlive this election. It will always be the same, and it will always be funny--if not tragic.

Today I will be following the election results. This is a historic moment. I have always studied history, and I have a sense for historic moments. A while back I wrote a piece about why Barack Obama's candidacy has been so revoutionary in a country that once thrived on slavery. If he wins, Obama will face many dangers in a country that has long practiced racial intolerance through violence. Only history will show where this path will lead.

Yesterday, I watched a John McCain rally on television. Obviously he was only speaking to his supporters; they were all wearing red and chanting the letters "U S A" every time he said something about Alaska oil drilling, winning the Iraq war or lowering taxes. And of course they were waving homemade placards. I have always found homemade political placards interesting, because they provide a direct view into an individual's conscience. Most often, that direct view reveals an exceedingly simple heart, such as "We Love You, John!" or "Go Home, Barack." That is refreshing, because in everyday discourse it can be difficult to get a sense for a person's political leanings. I have always found it bizarre that the First Amendment most keenly promotes political expression, yet Americans jealously guard their political beliefs when in mixed company, as if they were ashamed of them. Anyone who has worked in an office knows the old adage: "Don't talk about politics or religion." Yet in a democracy we are supposed to talk about politics.

But sometimes political placards raise more subtle issues. For example, yesterday a woman held up a placard that read: "McCain Palin - Integrity-Wisdom-Experience." I have no doubt that those three adjectives apply to John McCain. John McCain is an honorable man. He is 72 years old, which by any stretch gives him at least a modicum of wisdom and experience. I respect John McCain, even if I did not vote for him. John McCain certifiably served his country in ways Barack Obama never did. He bore arms for the United States and suffered brutal incarceration as a consequence. Since then, he has dedicated his life to public service in Congress. While I may not agree with John McCain on numerous political issues, I cannot deny that he has served his country with distinction for many years. And he has made profound sacrifices in that service. I do not criticize John McCain "as a man." I simply disagree with his ideas and the party for which he stands. Yet my intellectual disagreement does not translate into personal hatred. Why should it? There is much to admire in John McCain from a personal perspective.

Sarah Palin, by contrast, poses a different question. It is intensely debatable whether she has "integrity," no matter what an "independent counsel" says about why she fired an Alaska State Trooper with personal ties to her family. And it would be almost facetious to say that Palin has "wisdom" or "experience." Palin is 44 years old. She was Mayor of a small Alaska town for six years, then Alaska Governor for less than two. These are not towering credentials. She is nowhere near John McCain's record. True, Barack Obama is only 46 years old and has only been a United States Senator for three years. But Obama has at least been a member of America's most august political association, not merely governor of a backwater State. Despite his youth, Obama seems more "experienced" at 46 than Palin does at 44. Obama has experience negotiating federal legislation in the United States Senate; Palin has experience as a "soccer mom" directing local game reclamation projects in Eskimo country.

It is easy to mock Sarah Palin, and I will now make no further attacks. Today the voters will show whether she deserves to be in the White House. Who knows? Perhaps today America will prove me a sneering elitist. Indeed, I will never doubt the stupidity of the American voter. That stupidity that will make this election interesting; and it is precisely that stupidity that supplies me with endless writing material. I am thankful for that.

STATEMENT OF POLITICAL SOLIDARITY OF THE GAY BLACK HISPANIC LENINIST-COMMUNIST ATHEIST REPUBLICANS DEDICATED TO SELF-DISCIPLINE AND FAMILY VALUES

CONSIDERED OPINION

By : Mr. Reginald A. Stewart, Official Party Spokesman and Republican Liaison

America needs Republican values. Without support for traditional family structures and traditional political ideals, this Nation will not survive. We need government that fosters private enterprise and keeps its hands off our money. We need government that protects children from pedophiles and punishes foreign enemies. We need a government of faith and justice. And we need government that does not promote diversity over effectiveness. As gay, black, Hispanic Leninist-Communist atheists, we strongly believe that John McCain and Sarah Palin will admirably advance these principles in 2008.

We express our unequivocal support for Mr. McCain and Mrs. Palin. We understand that Republican values are the best values for our Nation, even if those values may lead to personal hardships for ourselves. We wish we were not gay, black or Hispanic. But we are, and we know that government must put us in our place. We wholeheartedly believe in Mr. McCain’s campaign motto: Country First; Party Second. We put country first. Country tells us that banning gay marriage is the right thing to do. Country tells us that affirmative action is wrong. Country tells us that Mexican immigrants must be stopped. Country tells us that Americans speak English, not Spanish. And country tells us that free market solutions are always superior to meddlesome socialist experiments. We realize that these positions may make life difficult on us. But we believe that they are the right positions. We are willing to suffer for our beliefs.

We do not believe in tolerance. True, tolerance may personally benefit us, but tolerance will not advance America or the Republican values for which she stands. Tolerance is weakness. Hispanics, blacks, communists, atheists and gays have no place in our political and social order. We recognize that intolerance will cure this Nation’s moral listlessness, even if that same intolerance may make life more difficult on us. We are willing to sacrifice our personal comfort for the good of the Nation. When we say “country first,” we mean it. We are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to save America. Are you?

We are confident in our belief that Republican values are superior to all other values. For years, this Nation has allowed traditional family structures to disintegrate. Same-sex couples raise children against nature. Interracial marriages spoil the Nation’s purity. Godlessness has infected national discourse. Inflated government has created a Nation of lazy, dependent beggars, draining the responsibility and self-reliance that once made America great. Bilingual documents and papers make a mockery of the English tradition that gave rise to our Nation. An overzealous commitment to “diversity” has poisoned our youth, crippling the strong Anglo-Saxon virtues that propelled America from hinterland to world power. We must stop the slide into ruin, even if we personally suffer in the process.

We believe that we are uniquely positioned to appreciate Republican values. As gay, black, Hispanic, communist atheists, we know that there are other ideals in the world. We are not part of the traditional Republican stock. We were not raised Republican, nor were our families Republican. Rather, we support Republican values because we soberly evaluated them and concluded that they are best for our Nation. We soberly concluded that government does not exist to help people or to correct social wrongs. Rather, government exists to allow unfettered economic exchange with minimal regulation. We soberly concluded that government does not exist to force-feed “diversity” to the population. Rather, government exists to preserve existing social order.

Put another way, we soberly concluded: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” America wasn’t broken in 1933. Yet beginning in 1933, government began “fixing” America with welfare programs, civil rights legislation and massive federal spending. These quixotic attempts to achieve social justice and “equality” have well nigh destroyed the values upon which America rose to prominence. That is why we must reverse the tide, even if we ourselves must take a back seat. We are prepared to demote ourselves as citizens in order to return America onto the right path.

We know we are gay, black, Hispanic, communist and atheist. We know there is something very, very wrong with us. But we know that Republicans will better lead our Nation by ignoring, humiliating, denigrating and marginalizing us than by tolerating our aberrant ways. For decades, Democrats tried to accommodate us. In consequence, they created a morally bankrupt, faithless, mulatto beggar Nation. We demand a return to normalcy. We demand a return to strength. That is why we support John McCain and Sarah Palin. If you are ready to stop the decadence of tolerance, you will support them, too. And when you do, you will make America a safer, better, more blessed and normal Nation. God bless America.

A WORD FROM JOHN MCCAIN

By : John S. McCain, United States Senator (R-AZ) and Republican Candidate for President of the United States

We cannot allow Barack Hussein Obama to become President of the United States. If elected, Obama would take this Nation down a dangerous path toward universal health care, peaceful relations with foreign powers, greater educational opportunity, higher wages, improved environmental protection and more welfare. He is an enemy of American business. He would dishonor our fighting men and women by hastily withdrawing them from Iraq. America must hold firm in Iraq for at least the next 100 years. Any other course would betray the ideals for which we fight. Obama contends that it would better honor our armed forces to take them from harm’s way in a country that has nothing to do with America. He believes that the environment should take precedence over America’s freedom from Middle Eastern oil barons. He believes taxes should be the reward for success in America and that everyone deserves a chance. This is rubbish. In response to all Obama’s proposed actions I have but one answer: We cannot allow a communist Muslim negro to lead this Nation. No one with the name “Hussein” should ever lead a Nation of Freedom. Neither Barack, nor Hussein, nor Obama are American names. My name is John McCain. These are both American names, not Muslim ones. What message would we send to Islamic terrorists bent on killing every American if we elect a man with an Islamic name? If we elect Barack Hussein Obama, the terrorists win. Good citizens of the United States of America, look no further than names and skin color. I am John McCain. I am Christian and white. I am a war hero. I stand against terror. He is Barack Hussein Obama. He is Muslim and black. He would deliver this Nation into the hands of her enemies. He never bore arms against Communist hordes in defense of this Christian Republic; no one named Hussein ever could. And let us never forget that only one letter separates Obama from Osama. On September 11, 2001, our Nation declared war on all people named Osama. This year, our Nation is seriously considering making a man President who is only one letter removed from Osama. We stand on a precipice: Do not allow this travesty to befall our Christian Republic. We must not elect a communist Muslim negro. I am John McCain, and I endorsed this message.