TERRORIST GHOST ATTACK IS IMMINENT : WE ARE NOT SAFE

SAFETY ADVISORY

WASHINGTON, D.C.

By : David Petraeus, Director, Central Intelligence Agency

Last week, our Nation marked a significant milestone with the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We can be grateful that we escaped the event without incident. Thanks to the tireless efforts of State and Federal law enforcement, America foiled any attempt to mar the memorial ceremony with violence.

As a Nation, we have come closer this year to defeating terror than at any time since 9/11. We have killed Osama bin Laden. We have al-Qaeda on the run. And we have created a culture of security that keeps Americans safe from terror.

Despite these encouraging developments, we cannot let our guard down. While the Central Intelligence Agency understands that Americans simply want to live without fear, we cannot yet afford to quell the alarm.

In fact, we regret to inform the public that al-Qaeda has unleashed a frightening new weapon: Ghosts.

Generally, we here at the Central Intelligence Agency do not speak directly to the American people. Circumstances, however, mandate that we reveal critical new information that impacts all Americans. Public safety is acutely in danger, and we must advise appropriate measures to cope with the risk.

Today's threat is elusive. It does not involve bombs, guns or gas. It does not involve suicide attackers. It does not even involve living human beings. No, it involves something much more frightening: The vengeful spirits of slain al-Qaeda leaders returned from the grave.

This is not a hoax. Our agents have credible, reliable and confirmed reports that al-Qaeda intends to make supernatural war against New York City, especially the Ground Zero site. According to top agents, it appears that the angry ghosts of al-Qaeda leaders are currently on their way from the spirit world to wreak havoc on Lower Manhattan. Agents also inform us that these spirits have recruited ghouls, goblins, wraiths, specters, poltergeists and even zombies to spread fear in New York.

Understandably, we are taking these threats extremely seriously. Supernatural warfare cannot be taken lightly. We have already received initial reports that al-Qaeda ghosts are both extremely scary and difficult to pinpoint. And most disturbingly, intelligence indicates that conventional weaponry is useless against ghosts. Bullets, bombs and airstrikes simply cannot harm these terrifying spirits. After all, ghosts are already dead: Killing them again is no easy matter.

It is not entirely clear how al-Qaeda ghosts will operate. Some experts believe that terror ghosts can manipulate electronics. This poses a devastating threat to the national economy. Ghosts could ostensibly haunt iPads, iPhones, NASDAQ and the internet. Communication and commerce would break down, imperiling a fragile economic recovery.

Just imagine what would happen if an angry al-Qaeda spirit corrupted the Nation's computers? Web browsing, timekeeping, online bill paying, social networking and E-Harmony would collapse. Chaos would follow. It is a horrifying thought.

Worse, intelligence also indicates that ghosts can change cable channels without warning, take over flight controls, scare away workers and terrify small children. Finally, ghosts represent a very real danger to seniors and persons with cardiac difficulty: Seeing a ghost can easily cause heart failure.

In short, we face a serious crisis.

But it is essential to maintain calm. While we acknowledge that al-Qaeda ghosts are certainly scary, we are already taking action against them. In our battles with al-Qaeda, we have learned how to cope with terror. We know how to foil attacks, and supernatural attacks are no different. Put simply, we can defeat anything al-Qaeda throws at us, including ghosts.

Together with military and law enforcement authorities, the CIA is hard at work securing Lower Manhattan against the expected spectral onslaught. Thanks to improved interrogation methods, we have confirmed that the ghosts of Osama bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Mustafa al-Yazid intend to float into the area around Ground Zero within the next 48 hours. We will be ready for them.

Authorities will lock down Lower Manhattan to quarantine the ghosts as soon as they land. Regrettably, these measures will entail some inconvenience for New Yorkers. All citizens will be subject to search and detainment to verify that they have not been haunted by al-Qaeda. And all citizens may be required to surrender their personal property--including their clothing and underwear--for inspection to determine whether a spirit has not hidden within it. After all, we are talking about ghosts. They can easily hide in backpacks, socks, panties, boxer shorts, water bottles and even cell phones.

While we appreciate citizens' concerns for their liberty, dignity and privacy in these matters, we reiterate that security against terrorist ghosts requires strong action. Comprehensive security is the only way to successfully defeat ghosts.

We recognize that New Yorkers simply want to get back to normal after 10 years of terror. But we cannot afford to give up now. We face perhaps the most frightening battle we have yet faced in the War on Terror. We are all afraid of ghosts; but al-Qaeda ghosts are especially bad. Worse, this is no ghost story. This is a specific, credible and confirmed threat.

Still, Americans do not back down. We can defeat terrorist ghosts just as well as living terrorists. We all must refuse to give in to fear. Go to work. Go on vacation. Go to a movie. Go buy a car. Go buy a home. Go about your business as you would any other day. If a ghoul accosts you, tell him you're an American and you are not afraid. Sure, he might haunt you or even steal your handbag, but that is no reason to bend to terror.

We here at the CIA will do our part to keep the public informed as we obtain new reports. Until that time, we advise full cooperation with law enforcement. If you are detained, remember that your sacrifice is absolutely necessary to prevent al-Qaeda from haunting America. You will be released as soon as competent authorities determine that an al-Qaeda ghost has not hidden somewhere in your clothing or on your body.

In this age of heightened security concerns, we all must be prepared to make the occasional sacrifice. If we do not, the ghosts win.

UNDERPANTS ARE DANGEROUS AND MUST BE SEARCHED, NO MATTER THE COST

A CRITICAL MESSAGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

By : Mr. B. Kyle Hosenfeld, Ph.D., Acting Commissioner for Airport Security, Department of Homeland Security (appointed by President George W. Bush, 2005-present); Former Chief Financial Advisor, Traxxx Garment Manufacturing Company, Inc., Toledo, Ohio (1990-2005); Lingerie Expert (since childhood); Ladies Hosiery Hobbyist (1976-present).

Terror does not take a Holiday. Terror does not distinguish between the old year and the new year. For terrorists, every day is another opportunity to kill Americans and disrupt American business. Here at the Department of Homeland Security, we know that.

That is why we never rest. We are committed to protecting the American people from Muslim fanatics, as well as any other fanatics who attempt to depress the stock market through violence. This holiday season, we saw that terrorists remain determined to strike America. Almost a decade after 9/11, a Nigerian Muslim named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow himself up on a packed airliner above Detroit. To accomplish his dastardly plan, he packed explosives into his underwear. Thankfully, they did not detonate; he succeeded only in setting his own pants on fire. The New York Post dubbed him "The Crotch Bomber." The Daily News called him "Fruit of the Loon."

We concur. But despite Abudulmutallab's failure, we understand that the American public remains concerned about terror. For that reason, we have instituted new airport security measures to assuage anxieties concerning hosiery-borne weapons of mass destruction. We believe that we can stop terror attacks before they happen. And that means searching every piece of underwear in the airports--and that means all of it, right down to the buttocks.

Searching underwear is the only way to verify whether an airline passenger is really a terrorist. In the past, we have seen that various garments can carry weapons. Learning from the past, we here at the Department instituted a new airport security principle: Target the offending garment. When Richard Reid tried to detonate a bomb in his shoe in 2001, we decided that all shoes are dangerous and must be searched. In the years since, Americans learned that they had to take off their shoes before boarding an airplane.

We should apply the same rule in this case. Here, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to detonate an explosive in his underwear. The "offending garment," then, is underwear. Just as we required all Americans to take off their shoes at airports because Richard Reid transformed shoes into an "offending garment" in 2001, so too must we require Americans to take off their underwear today. It is the only way to ensure maximum safety for all.

We do not believe that Americans will find it inconvenient to remove their underwear prior to boarding aircraft. In 2001, Americans understood that Richard Reid nearly blew up a plane with a shoe-bomb, so they willingly suffered some inconvenience by removing their own shoes in the years that followed. In 2010, Americans understand that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nearly blew up a plane with an underwear-bomb, so they will not mind suffering some inconvenience by removing their underwear, too. When safety is at stake, Americans do their part. Underwear is no different than a shoe. When removing a garment is necessary to protect America from Islamic terror, we are confident that Americans will gladly--and publicly--take everything off.

We recognize that civil liberties advocates will object to our new underwear search protocol as excessive. They will say that requiring all Americans to remove their underwear will encroach upon their dignity. They will say that it will invade their privacy. They will even say that it will embarrass children and women, especially overweight ones.

We disagree with these contentions. For one, we point out that privacy must yield to national security concerns. We all like privacy. But when it comes to preventing terror, we all must be prepared to bare all for safety. If we are a little embarrassed about our bodies, we must learn to overcome our shyness, whip off our underwear and put it on the automated x-ray conveyor belt. Second, the United States Constitution does not guarantee "dignity." Even if stripping naked in public were somehow "undignified," we reject the assertion that an official, Federally-mandated underwear search violates "dignity." If nudity occurs pursuant to law, it is not undignified. More to the point, we are certain that every American would rather sacrifice their dignity by removing their underwear in front of leering, apathetic Transportation Safety Agents than be blown up in midair. Viewed in that light, we see absolutely no merit to the claim that mandatory underwear searches violate "privacy" or "dignity."

Mandatory underwear searches will do more than merely stop terror. They will also yield beneficial secondary effects. For example, many drug traffickers elude detection by packing narcotics in their underpants. By requiring everyone to remove their underwear, we would eliminate that subterfuge for good. Furthermore, mandatory underwear removal will enable Federal agents to identify dangerous, ugly, unpleasant and malodorous genitalia. Under applicable Federal statutes, such genitalia are "weapons of mass destruction" that subject the possessor to felony terrorism charges. Until now, it has been difficult to locate dangerous genitalia because they are generally camouflaged under trousers, skirts, underpants and stockings. But thanks to the new underwear removal procedures, we will be able to effectively enforce the law against recalcitrant genital terrorists.

In sum, we here at the Department are committed to protecting Americans, no matter the cost. We believe it is logical, consistent, effective and reasonable to require all airport travelers to remove their underwear prior to boarding any flight originating on American soil. Contrary to all objections, this is not a drastic step. It is no different than the regulation requiring Americans to remove their shoes. By orienting airport security scrutiny around the "offending garment" principle, we achieve theoretical and logical consistency for our enforcement efforts. Not only that, we also increase safety, deter terror and reduce genitalia-related crime in interstate commerce. We achieve all these salutary goals merely by requiring Americans to take off their underwear at security checkpoints. Balancing the burdens against the benefits in this case, we must conclude that we have found a winning procedure.

In a final step, we have also determined that all travelers with the word "Abdul" anywhere in their names must be forbidden from air travel. That includes American Idol judge and pop singer Paula Abdul, as well as avowed terrorists such as Abdul Sheikh Mohammed. Although liberal activists and Middle Eastern scholars will doubtlessly claim that this measure sweeps too broadly, we respond that we have conclusive evidence that people with the name "Abdul" stand a much higher chance to commit terror than people named Swanson, Harrison or Clark. When it comes to security, we must consider probabilities. And in this case, we are simply playing the numbers: Abduls are more dangerous than Clarks.

It is safe to fly in America. Do not let terrorists like Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab discourage you from taking a trip. Despite his nefarious attempt to kill Americans with explosive underwear, we have emerged from this crisis safer than ever before. We have learned that both shoes and underwear are mortally dangerous. To that extent, we have tailored our security protocols to ensure that neither shoe nor slip poses a threat to law-abiding Americans. From this day forward, we promise to search every last undergarment that passes through any airport in the United States.

Terrorists beware: We will search your underwear.

And behold America's resolve: We are not afraid to take off all our clothes, even for a Podunk flight from Tuscaloosa to Memphis. Even if we weigh 500 pounds, we are unafraid. We will take it all off.

When in doubt, just remember our new slogan:

Because security begins with safe underwear®.

PROTECTING AMERICA : ONE TOOTH AT A TIME

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES

PROFESSIONAL REGULATIONS DIVISION

DENTISTRY DEPARTMENT

May 1, 2009

RE: Dr. Agostinho Calabras (Portugal), File No. 08-09126G; Applicant for Clearance to Practice Dentistry in the United States.

Dear Dr. Calabras,

You recently petitioned this Department for clearance to practice dentistry in the United States. To support your petition, you enclosed your university performance records, your Portuguese professional licensure documents and several articles you published in Portugal’s leading dentistry journal (Jornal nacional da odontologia em Lisboa). You further certified that the Portuguese government named you as one of the ten best dental scientists in the country. According to the records you provided, you have practiced dentistry for over 20 years with a special focus in pain management, beautification and general oral health. You also noted that you established a charity clinic in Russia to assist low-income children address their dental needs.

Although we applaud your accomplishments, we must refer you to Homeland Security Code § 245(b), specifically: “[A]ll ‘foreign dentists’ must register for and complete at least three (3) years of qualified dental instruction at a certified American institute for dental science (West 2002).” Foreign dentists must receive American dental education in order to obtain professional licensure in the United States. Your materials disclose that you were aware of this rule. Yet you ask this Department to grant an exception in light of your “distinguished record of flawless dental service in Portugal.” You also submitted an essay in which you attempt to justify your qualifications to provide dental care in the United States. We hereby deny your request for an exception.

By law, this Department has no authority to grant exceptions to Homeland Security Code § 245(b). Even if we did have such authority, we are not inclined to craft exceptions to this rule because Congress explicitly intended to protect Americans by enacting this statute. Specifically, Congress noted that: “Foreign dentists pose a realistic danger to all Americans. Dental terror is a genuine threat; only American-born and American-trained dentists can fully be trusted to care for American teeth. Al-Qaeda operatives may disguise themselves as foreign dentists and cause untold damage to American dental enamel and tooth roots. Terrorists may use laughing gas, Novocain, bleaching agents, x-ray machines and dental instruments to disrupt American business enterprise and frighten children. Only strong oversight and strict professional regulations can protect American mouths against invasion by belligerent foreign dental operatives.” Preamble to Homeland Security Act §§ 201-250; Subchapter H : Anti-Dental Terror Act (ADTA). Given Congress’ extremely clear mandate on this subject, we refuse to make any exceptions for foreign dentists. All foreign dentists—whether they hail from Canada or Burkina-Faso—must obtain a full American dental education prior to treating American teeth. This is the only way to ensure that a foreign dentist will not maliciously or negligently destroy the means by which Americans eat, chew, smile and bite. Congress understood that Americans’ teeth are vital. Congress also understood that Al-Qaeda knows that, too. For that reason, they enacted these regulations without provision for exceptions. If Al-Qaeda waged a calculated campaign of dental terror against the United States, the result could be devastating. For that reason, all foreign dentists must first learn how to treat American teeth according to American standards prior to plying their trade on our soil.

You write that there is no functional difference between American teeth and Portuguese teeth. Specifically, you point out that all human teeth share identical biological characteristics. You argue that because all human beings have biologically identical teeth, dental science may adequately treat anyone, no matter their ethnicity, nationality, race or religion. You say that our regulations draw an irrational distinction between American teeth and all other teeth. In conclusion, you argue that we should make an exception to the Homeland Security Act in your case because you already possess the education, training, skill and experience necessary to effectively treat “human teeth,” whether American or Portuguese.

We profoundly disagree with your position. There is a fundamental difference between American teeth and all other teeth. Congress has a right to draw a distinction in this regard. Specifically, American teeth face unique dietary dangers. Unlike the Portuguese, who eat hayseed, mulch and strange fish, Americans eat processed cheeseburgers, curly fries, cotton candy, microwave insta-Lasagna, canned meatball soup, Wonder® bread and liverwurst-flavored muffins on a regular basis. These foods present unique dental hazards that do not exist in Portugal. Americans do not pick through scant meals like mice. They engulf large amounts of food and drink, including chili dogs, hush puppies, double Big Mac® burgers, fried mayonnaise cookies, Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches with extra tartar sauce, whole Dominos® pizza pies, sugar-coated corn puffs, grape soda, super-sweetened iced tea, Royal Crown Cola®, Lucky Charms® marshmallow breakfast cereal, and pork sausage melts. At times, they consume these foods and drinks without chewing or breathing. In a word, Americans consume foods in different quantities and qualities than the Portuguese. They eat and drink in a different manner than the Portuguese. These differences necessitate education in American dental health prior to practicing dentistry in the United States.

American breath smells considerably different than Portuguese breath. Your training in Portugal will not prepare you for the smells you will encounter in American mouths. For instance, in order to repel terrorists, Congress recently authorized Americans to eat both onions and tuna salad during the same meal. Before 9/11, it was forbidden to simultaneously eat tuna and onions because these two foods lead to noxious odors when combined in an American mouth. But Congress rightly believed that a terrorist would retreat if faced by several Americans breathing rancid tuna and onion vapors toward him. Bad breath can be a potent deterrent. In Portugal, however, you do not face the same issues. Your citizens do not constantly worry about terrorism, nor do they deliberately poison their breath with tuna, raw eggs and onions in order to ward off would-be assassins. In that light, you are incorrect to conclude that your dental experience in Portugal will easily translate into dental expertise in the United States. Here, you will encounter completely different teeth because Americans eat completely different foods—in much larger amounts than the Portuguese. We face unique dental threats. Our breath is substantially different. With all respect, your Portuguese dental education has not prepared you for the tremendous challenges American teeth face every day at every meal. We must reject your essay’s reasoning on these points.

American teeth are different than foreign teeth for several other reasons. Unlike European and African teeth, American teeth are enterprising and ambitious. They make their own way in the world; they do not receive free government insurance. American teeth bite, chew, tear, rip and grind on their own; they do not need anyone else’s help. In the centuries since our country was born, American teeth have helped great Americans consume food, propelling them to success. American teeth have helped great Americans speak and communicate, since the English language requires a special interplay between throat, lips, palate and teeth. Without teeth, Americans would not be able to properly enunciate English words; and without proper enunciation, Americans would not communicate effectively. Americans pride themselves on excellent communicative skills. Business and commerce depend on communication. American teeth help make that communication possible. Only dentists who understand America know how to properly treat these American dental issues. If you wish to practice dentistry in our country, you must learn the values that keep American teeth strong and healthy. We are proud of our teeth because they are the best. You must learn why before you treat them.

In closing, we note that you strike a particularly defiant tone. You seem to think that your intelligence, training, education and dental skill entitle you to practice dentistry in the United States. You voice contempt for our regulations as “superfluous,” “unnecessary,” “irrational,” “bigoted” and “nationalistic.” Although we praise you for learning English, we do not approve your tone. In our country, professionals are not critical. They merely provide client service, bill their time and go home at night. They do not voice unwarranted opinions, nor do they criticize popular Congressional legislation. You may think that our regulations are “irrational,” but we have reasons for our laws. We do not trust defiant foreigners like you to care for our teeth. For all we know, you could be Osama bin Laden’s dentist. You might be coming to America incognito to train an elite cadre of terrorist dentists to sow dental panic amid the population. Do we not have a right to protect our borders from such attacks? Put simply, we believe our regulations are fair. They do not bar all foreigners from practicing dentistry in America; they merely require foreigners to receive American education prior to thrusting sharp instruments into American mouths. We will not make an exception for you, no matter how qualified you may be to treat Portuguese teeth. We invite you to receive instruction concerning acute Kool-Aid® stains, corndog molar spurs and Whopper®-related extractions at an American Dental Academy. We also welcome you to receive instruction concerning Dental Practice Billing Management and profit fund distribution plans. But until you receive the required instruction, we cannot grant you professional licensure to practice dentistry in the United States of America.


Very sincerely yours,


Mr. Bartholomew D. Kaye

Associate Licensure Executive

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISORY

By : Agent F.A. (Undisclosed Office)

Since September 11, 2001, our government has taken key steps to keep America safe. President Bush created the Department of Homeland Security in order to defend America’s frontiers—and internal areas—from infiltration by Islamic fundamentalist terror cells. Acting in conjunction with the FBI, CIA and local law enforcement agencies, the Department has foiled numerous terror strikes against America. We can marvel at the fact that no further major terrorist violence has occurred in the United States since 9/11. We can thank the Department for achieving that amazing result.

To fight terror, we need superior information. Here at the Department, we constantly have our ears to the ground. We monitor suspicious “chatter” every day. We listen to Muslim news broadcasts, attend mosque services incognito, scan library records, observe any male wearing a turban or other Muslim headdress and we intercept all Arabic CB radio transmissions. If it’s in Arabic, chances are it concerns terrorism. It might even contain references to Osama bin Laden, and we would not want to miss that. Armed with information, we take action to foil plots. And we foil them often.

We cannot disclose the nature, type or number of plots we have foiled since beginning operations. National security requires that we maintain our sources. We can say, however, that no terror strikes have occurred on American soil since 9/11. We can also say that we have foiled plots since 2001, and that we are keeping America safe. Additionally, we can say that we are working hard every day to keep you safe in many ways. We cannot disclose the identities of agents working on Homeland Security missions, where they are working or when they will foil the next plot. In most cases, we will not disclose whether we foil a plot, but in some serious cases we will. In any event, our activities preserve freedom and stop terror before it happens.

America is great because Americans live without fear. They go about their business without worrying that a terrorist may interrupt their plans. In fact, Americans know that if they modified their schedules out of fear, the terrorists win. The last thing any American wants to do is let the terrorists win. Nonetheless, the Department has a role to play in helping Americans live terror-free lives. Consistent with Department protocols and national security prerogatives, the Department today would like to announce that several terrorist plots are brewing. We provide the following information in order to help Americans plan their daily activities, and to live without fear.

Undisclosed sources indicate that a terror strike may or may not occur on January 23, 2010. We are unable to provide further details subject to national security and intelligence concerns. Other undisclosed sources indicate that terrorists may or may not target a little league baseball game sometime after the year 2013. We cannot provide geographical details subject to national security interests. The Department has also intercepted “chatter” that suggests terror strikes may or may not occur on February 12, 2009, March 7, 2027, December 19, 2018 and August 20, 2014. Chatter also suggests that terrorists are discussing supermarkets, cafeterias, wholesale warehouses such as “Home Depot” and chartered boating excursions somewhere in a coastal State or a State containing a river. National security concerns forbid us from further disclosing attack plans or details. There may also be an indeterminate terror attack somewhere—including the United States—at some time before 2089. We will provide further details on this terror attack as soon as national security and intelligence protocols permit us to do so.

Terrorists will not win. The Department is watching them and listening to them every day and every night, all the time. We have a general idea what they are up to, and we will foil them. We will be ready on February 12, 2009, or on any other date on which a terror strike may or may not occur. We also take pride in providing detailed information to the American people. Information is a weapon, and we wield it precisely. You can rest assured that the Department is doing all it can to foil the next 9/11 before it happens. Refuse to be intimidated because you know what is going on. Terrorists hope to win by inspiring fear and uncertainty. Tell them you are not uncertain: You know that a terror strike may or may not occur somewhere at some time before 2089. Go about your day with confidence. Because when you have no fear, the terrorists lose.