AID TO HAITI IS AID TO AL QAEDA : DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES

DICK CHENEY SPEAKS OUT FOR AMERICA

By : Mr. Richard B. Cheney, Former Vice President of the United States of America (2001-2009); Chairman of the Board of Directors, Halliburton Co. (1993-2000); Secretary of Defense Under President George H.W. Bush (1989-1993); Energy Expert; Security Expert; Last Published Gross Income (2001): $36,100,000.

Two days ago, President Barack Hussien Obama pledged a fortune in U.S. aid to Haiti. He said that America "has not forsaken you" and that "the entire world stands with you in your hour of need." Even now, President Obama is earmarking huge shipments of American food and medicine to Haiti. He even sent 5,700 American soldiers and physicians to aid "relief efforts."

President Obama is treading dangerously close to treason. In a word, America must provide no aid to Haiti, because Haiti is a Caribbean al Qaeda stronghold. Al Qaeda caused this earthquake, not Mother Nature. America must not support countries that support terror, especially countries that commit geological genocide on their own people. Put simply, President Obama is to blame for failing to spot this disaster before it struck; intelligence sources clearly indicated that al Qaeda was planning a seismological attack. Now he seeks to deflect the blame by playing the "humanitarian."

In 2003, I said: "We know to a certainty that terrorists are doing everything they can to gain even deadlier means of striking us." See N.Y. Times, Cheney Defends Administration's Handling of Iraq, Oct. 10, 2003. As the case in Haiti shows, the terrorists recently learned how to cause earthquakes using sophisticated fault manipulation techniques. CIA reports indicate that Haitian al Qaeda cells obtained quake-inducing equipment from Osama bin Laden's deputy chief--Yasim bin al-Faqda--in December 2009. They then traveled to a remote site south of Port-au-Prince where they triggered the massive quake that left 100,000 dead.

It is unfortunate that so many people died. But we can take solace in the fact that Haitians are al Qaeda supporters who hate America. For that reason, we cannot send aid to our enemies. We are in a War; our enemies are prepared to harness geological power to kill us, just as I warned in 2003. How can we win this War if we try to save our enemies? For every Haitian we pull from twisted wreckage, we save a future underwear bomber. Every time we save an injured Haitian mother with free medical care, we allow her to bear yet another al Qaeda murderer in the future.

No matter what the networks say, this is no "humanitarian disaster." This is terrorism; and America must not support it. When terrorists die, no American should shed a tear--let alone send donations.

President Obama cannot handle the War on Terror. In just three months, President Obama has failed to act on credible intelligence that could have averted three major terror strikes. First, he failed to stop al Qaeda's Fort Hood shooter from killing soldiers in Texas. Second, he failed to prevent Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab from boarding plane in Holland with a bomb in his underwear. And last, he ignored clear warnings that al Qaeda possessed seismological terror weapons in Haiti.

Mr. President, when will you wake up? The American people refuse to live in fear. But they cannot live peacefully without protection from the Federal government. If President Obama continues to allow terrorists to strike freely, our entire country will collapse. Worse, President Obama perpetrates deliberate fraud on the American people by claiming that the attack in Haiti was actually a "natural disaster." Adding insult to injury, he now sends American treasure to the very people who mean to kill us.

Leaving terror to one side, America has no duty to help other countries in need. Even if Haiti were not a hornet's nest of anti-American Muslim extremism, America has no business solving other countries' problems. We do not provide free medical care to our own people. We expect self-reliance from them. Yet the moment some "disaster" strikes abroad, we immediately send elite American doctors and expensive pharmaceutical products to foreigners for free. I'm sure many Americans would like the same treatment that impoverished Sudanese and Haitians receive for nothing.

This is a national disgrace; it must stop. Health care is expensive enough for Americans. We can neither allow nor afford to waste resources on Caribbean geological thugs.

Furthermore, we cannot allow ourselves to pity people who could have protected themselves. Every human being has a duty to look out for his own safety. If people suffer injury because they put themselves in harm's way, they do not deserve sympathy. And they certainly do not deserve handouts.

Haitians should have known that they lived on a major fault line. They should have heeded warnings that al Qaeda was planning to cause an earthquake along that fault line. They should have purchased airline tickets to safely carry them from the danger zone. In short, they should have minded their own safety. Yet millions stayed put. Just as New Orleans residents had a chance to flee imminent danger before Hurricane Katrina struck, so too did the Haitians have a chance to leave Haiti before al Qaeda triggered the earthquake. The fact that they suffered reflects their own negligence and stupidity, not "random misfortune." In that light, it makes no sense to pity Haitians--or send them money--for deliberately ignoring clear warnings. We do not pity people who lay on railroad tracks, then complain that a train cut off their legs. They could have just gotten off the tracks.

In sum, we cannot tolerate aid to Haiti. Aid to Haiti rewards irresponsibility and supports al Qaeda. Aid to Haiti sends a message to our enemies that we not only tolerate their attacks, but also that we will even give them free money when they strike. At this dangerous moment, we cannot allow pity to blind us to the fact that al Qaeda is stronger than ever. The attack on Haiti was merely a test; if we let down our guard now, San Francisco might be the next city to crumble.

President Obama has betrayed the American people. He not only ignored intelligence that could have prevented three terror strikes, but now he even aids an entire Nation of terrorists by cynically labeling the effort "humanitarian support." This is not what a Commander-in-Chief does in wartime. A Commander-in-Chief punishes enemies; he does not feed them or give them free American medicine. At a time when millions of Americans desperately need health care, President Obama should be ashamed for wasting American medical expertise on terrorists.

We should not waste our time or our money saving Jihadists in Haiti. Rather, we should be searching worldwide for al Qaeda's weapons of tectonic destruction. Who knows what fault lines they are now reconnoitering. Who knows what geological terror they are now plotting. As the Haiti attack shows, we are in very real seismological danger.

We must remember that the War on Terror is very real. We must not allow President Obama and his fawning networks to mislead us into thinking that the Haiti attack was a "natural disaster." This was no "natural event." This was deliberate mass murder.

I believe it my duty to tell the American people the truth. I am--and always will be--a public servant. When I perceive threats to the country I love, I disclose them to the extent permitted by applicable Homeland Security protocols. And when I see the President of the United States defrauding the Nation by masking support for terror as "humanitarian aid," I must speak.

Stop pitying Haiti. When terrorists die, America takes one step closer to victory in the War on Terror. Not only that, America has no duty to help impoverished Caribbean islands when they suffer difficulty. Americans make their own way; other countries should, too. We don't get free lunches; and we don't give them away, either.

Turn off that television set. Stop listening to Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper and Obama's other propagandists. Do not allow them to trick you into thinking that injured Haitians are worth saving. They are not. And don't even feel bad about it. It's not your responsibility to help them, even if they weren't terrorists.

Instead, listen to me. I was Vice President for eight years. I was Secretary of Defense for four. I led one of the Nation's most successful private corporations. I listen to CIA briefings. I care about this Nation's safety more than anyone else here. I know what I'm talking about. And I am looking out for you.

Protect yourself and your family. Stop worrying about Haiti. They got what was coming to them for supporting al Qaeda.

Now we must focus on ourselves. We must find al Qaeda's earthquake machine before bin Laden uses it on American fault lines. And we have no time to waste.

VLADIMIR PUTIN ON TIGER WOODS

СЕГОДНЯ ИЗ МОСКВЫ

By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation (2000-2008); Former Chairman of KGB State Police, Union of Soviet Socialist Republics; Outdoorsman; Certified Judo Expert.

Иногда я совсем не понимаю этих американцев. Sometimes I completely do not understand these Americans. Earlier this year I wrote how silly it was that they wasted valuable State news service time covering--I believe I say this correctly--"R/B Star" Chris Brown. This Chris Brown supposedly beat self-proclaimed American Cultural Ambassador to Barbados named Rikhanna. For a brief moment, I thought my comments would lead the Americans to believe that they should attend to more pressing matters. I, for example, took the opportunity to move Russian troops closer to our border with Lithuania and Latvia. After all, at that moment, the Americans were distracted wondering whether this criminal boy who wears "bling" ("блинг") and sings soul rendition called "This Christmas" actually struck Cultural Ambassador of Barbados. Ну же, у меня права не был. Oh well, I was wrong. No, these Americans again waste all energy talking about--do I say this correctly?--black star of golf (чёрное звёздо голфа), Tiger Woods, who cheats on wife, the Swedish woman named Nordegren.

Here was my reaction when I heard about this latest American "scandal:"

Americans now hear that the Tiger Woods is untrue to this blue-eyed, ice-cold Swedish wife. They even hear that the Tiger Woods has several mistresses, including good-looking models and temptresses. The newspapers spend great amount of time discussing phone calls between the Tiger Woods and other women. They say that the Tiger Woods is womanizer. They say he drinks alcohol and takes medication pills when he is not sick. Newspapers in America say that the Swedish woman named Nordegren knew about affairs of the Tiger Woods and hit him with a golf club because she was angry about it. She now has returned to Sweden.

Мы Русские тоже знают o шведском предательстве. We Russians, too, know about Swedish treachery. Those dirty blond-headed barbarians from the North twice invaded our motherland and destroyed many Russian villages. Swedes are icy, aggressive, tall and violent. We Russians do not trust them. The Tiger Woods should have expected that this Nordegren would attack him sooner or later. That is a very Swedish thing to do. Because of Russian history with Sweden, I am not surprised that this Nordegren smashed the Tiger Woods with golf club.

Но и что? But so what? What's the big deal with this Tiger Woods and beautiful women? So what if he slept with brutal Swedish temptress and assorted ladies of Las Vegas? So what if black star of golf drank too much liquor and crashed car? In Russia, men sleep all the time with women, drink and crash cars--or at least fall off horse-drawn carts. No one thinks anything of it--or any less of the man. Жизнь, женщины, алкогол. Life, women, alcohol. This is a man's existence in Russia. So he gets drunk and sleeps with women. His wife beats him because he is a drunken idiot. Is this a world-changing event? Конечно нет. Of course not; it happens every day over here and we just keep living until alcoholism kills us. And we certainly do not waste valuable State news service time condemning black stars of golf for something most men do in Russia: Drink and carouse.

But all this works to my advantage. While Americans look at half-naked pictures of Swedish woman named Nordegren, I will have time to negotiate secret military pact with Germany. Even new President Obama is too worried about the Tiger Woods to notice what I am doing in Eastern Europe and Central Asia. Let the Americans talk about Las Vegas ladies who travel festively in the Tiger Woods' automobile. As they wonder about the Tiger Woods' golfing future and endorsement opportunities with capitalist sports apparel manufacturers, I will continue massing tanks near Mongolia and Uzbekistan. Who will notice? The Americans are reading about the Tiger Woods and treacherous Swedish women named Nordegren. Россия им равна. They don't care about Russia. No, they don't care about anything except spring training baseball, new Kanye West music video, Hollywood blockbuster and next paycheck. Это удобно. Fine with me. Soon the Russian Empire will again reign over central Asia.

Американцы очень интересные люди. Americans are very interesting people. Many here in Russia simply say that they are stupid belligerent capitalist dogs. But I know that the question is more complicated than that. Yes, many Americans are stupid belligerent capitalist dogs--and fat, too. Yet that does not answer the ultimate question about Americans. Кто эти люди такие? Who are these people? Это ностоящий вопрос. That is the real question. They hold public figures to high moral standards, even when they do not observe those standards themselves. They live for riches, then criticize those with riches. They preach equality for all, yet they are content to see many of their citizens in terrible economic despair. They think about sex all the time, but they ridicule those who get caught having affairs. They say it is immoral to drink too much alcohol, yet everyone goes out and gets drunk on weekends. They promise freedom and justice to the world, yet fail to provide basic necessities to their own people.

Ух, у меня сейчас болит голова; я слишком долго думал о Америке. Ouch, now I have a headache; I've been thinking about America for too long.

Perhaps this Tiger Woods serves a function for us here in Russia. If we can understand why Americans spend so much time thinking about this black star of golf and his "problems," perhaps we can understand Americans. To us, the whole situation is silly, illogical, petty, superficial and insignificant. Yet it fascinates Americans. Perhaps that means that Americans, too, are silly, illogical, petty, superficial and insignificant because they care about it so much. You see, as Prime Minister of all the Russias, I must find reason in every situation, even situations that make no sense to a Russian.

Вот так! Сейчас это ясно. Look there! Now it's clear. Tiger Woods helped me understand the American spirit. For the longest time I simply could not figure out why Americans wasted all their time writing and reading about black star of golf. But now I've got it. I am always happy when I learn something about my adversaries. And this time I have made a great discovery: Because Americans spend valuable time on superficial, petty and insignificant matters, it means that they will never seriously attend to anything meaningful. That means I can continue absorbing former Soviet satellite Republics and no one will notice.

Even the President Obama will not notice me: He will instead decorate White House Christmas tree, pardon 44-kilogram turkey and participate in children's Easter egg roll on national lawn. Then he will read latest news story about hip-hop artist in trouble or Hollywood movie star in rehab clinic. Пусть он! Let him!

Earlier this year, I was not sure if Americans would change with this Obama as their President. I thought perhaps they would take an increased interest in my activities in Eastern Europe and Asia. After all, this Obama is significantly smarter than the Bush who preceded him. But thankfully I was wrong. They continue to fixate on silly stories about black stars of golf and--I believe I say this correctly--Little Jon (Маленький Джон) crunk (кронк) ringtones for overpriced mobile devices.

When the most powerful country on earth spends all its time worrying about such things, how can I go wrong? Спасибо, Тайгер Вудс! Thank you, Tiger Woods! You have indirectly influenced new Russian power in Europe and Asia.

Извините, но сейчас мне надо летать в Берлин. Excuse me, but now I must fly to Berlin. I am discussing secret arms cooperation treaty with the Germans. Once I complete alliance between Germany and Russia, no Nation in Europe will stand in my way. Спасибо, Тайгер Вудс! Thank you, Tiger Woods!

OBAMA DESERVED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS

By : Ms. Charlene E. Everson, Chairperson, The Obama Fan Club of Greater Tuscaloosa; Democrat; Believer in Miracles; High School Graduate.

President Barack Hussein Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday, and for good reason. Despite Mr. Obama's repeated successes over the past nine months, many critics say that he has "not done enough" to warrant the coveted international award. They say he has not had enough time to amass the achievements necessary to deserve it.

We strongly disagree. Mr. Obama's achievements speak for themselves. The committee presented the Peace Prize to Mr. Obama not only because he ended the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and convinced Osama bin Laden to open fast food restaurants (featuring trademark Tali-Shakes and al-Sadr Sandwiches at 5000 US locations), but also because he perfected a cold fusion procedure that solved the world's energy crisis overnight. Mr. Obama is not just a concerned politician; he is a first-rate scientist, ethicist and humanitarian. The Nobel Committee considered all his strengths before it awarded him the prize. It was neither hasty nor careless.

Mr. Obama deserved this prize. Since January 20, 2009, Mr. Obama has achieved monumental advances in many fields. He walked on water on March 14, prompting ecstatic international celebrations. He healed incurable cancer victims on June 2 by touching their heads and earnestly repeating: "Together, we can." And on July 7, he traveled to Zaire, where he both stopped the war between rival militias and magically caused 600000 tons of food to appear. This immediately ended the famine plaguing Central Africa. Mr. Obama's compassionate efforts to help the sick and the hungry clearly warrant his consideration for the Prize.

Mr. Obama is not just a great President. He is a miracle worker. His miracles offer change we can believe in. Bullets fired in his direction veer off target. He can survive plane crashes and raging infernos. He can fall 1000 feet and survive. Not even earthquakes can stop him from bringing hope and relief to every corner of the globe, including Armenia and Turkey. True to his campaign promises, he has stopped all hatred and racism worldwide. Former enemies are now lovers, whether gay or straight. He has saved people from volcanic eruptions, discovered an AIDS vaccine and punished ruthless criminals who mistreat livestock. In a word, Mr. Obama respects all life, not just human life. That commitment to life won the Committee's praise.

In addition to all these achievements, Mr. Obama has brought love and happiness to everyone on earth. Since taking office, violent crime has ceased worldwide. No one has committed suicide because everyone feels that life is worth living again. Sales for prescription antidepressants have completely stopped. Put simply, now that Mr. Obama is the American President, everyone on earth is happy. Before he took office, Mr. Obama said the world could be a better place, and so it is. Thank you, Mr. President.

Obama has done all this in nine months. Imagine what he will do in four years. Never has a Nobel Peace Prize been more deserved. We salute the Nobel Committee for recognizing Barrack Hussein Obama, the Savior of the World.

FOX NEWS, THE UNITED NATIONS, 9/11 AND OTHER FUNNY STUFF

OESTERHOUDT STRIKES

I found some untroubled moments to watch the news this afternoon. Once in a while I like to know what FOX News has to say about the world, if for no other reason than to assemble new ideas for satire. I must actually hear crazy arguments before I can properly mock them. You can't do impressions without listening to your subject first.

FOX started its 7 PM broadcast with "Three Top Stories." The first involved a Muslim terror suspect who allegedly scoured beauty salons throughout New York buying up hydrogen peroxide. The newscaster said that hydrogen peroxide is a "key ingredient in explosives." FOX showed FBI men leading a young, Arab-looking man away in handcuffs.

In the second story, FOX informed me about a "terror imam from Brooklyn." He allegedly knew about the young man's plot, then lied to the police about it. FOX told me that he was being held on a $1.5 million bond for conspiracy. It also told me that authorities charged this "terror imam" with sexual abuse in 1992. I didn't see the connection between sexual abuse and international terrorism, but it sure made the "terror imam" look like a villain. After all, terrorists are bad, and so are sexual predators. But terrorist sexual predators are worse than both: A sum is always more than its component parts.

Finally, FOX interrupted its broadcast to alert me that officials in Dallas arrested a "young Muslim man" for attempting to car bomb a government building. They did not have any pictures to show. They just showed the man's long, Arab-looking name underneath a menacing-looking silhouette. FOX told me that they "would bring me more on this story as soon as they could."

Why were these the top stories? Did 9/11 just happen or something? Is it still October 2001? Does the whole Muslim fear-mongering thing still have traction among FOX viewers? Michael Moore famously mocked FOX for its relentless fixation on "evil Arabs" and vague, terrifying plots in 2004's "Fahrenheit 9/11." It was funny then, even relatively soon after 9/11. But now it's been eight years; Bush's fear-mongering has decayed beyond passe. Any assertion that bloodthirsty Muslims lurk among us now seems pathetically old-fashioned, even hackneyed. It's not 2001 anymore; there's no more Anthrax in the air. People are more worried about Medicaid now than Osama bin Laden. And for good reason: Because health care in America affects many, many more Americans than any terrorist ever will.

But for some reason FOX didn't get the memo or check the calendar. On FOX, it's still a brave battle between proud Americans and evil Muslims with long names and skull caps. Black is still black and white is still white. Hey, I guess it sells; Rupert Murdoch doesn't dish stuff that doesn't sell, truth or fashion be damned.

This is not the only funny thing I saw on the news tonight. I also saw coverage about all the world leaders at the United Nations this week. Leaving all media bias aside (ie, United States and Israel = good; Iran and Libya = bad), I just have to say how silly "collective security" really is. Woodrow Wilson started the League of Nations back in 1920. He wanted Nations to get together and respectfully solve differences without war or acrimony. It didn't work. Franklin Roosevelt tried to do the same when he conceived the United Nations in 1945. There have not been any world wars since then, but just one look at history shows that there has not been too much world peace since the United Nations started hosting world leaders.

But I am not writing about diplomacy. I am writing about the utter foolishness of U.N. speeches. No one listens to them for their substance. No one even really hopes to change minds or solve problems with them. Rather, people listen to them solely for theatrical value. After all, it's all-too predictable what happens, and it is all very staged. For example, Moammar Ghadaffi got up yesterday and railed against Israel, capitalism and the United States for over 90 minutes. As if on cue, the U.S. and Israeli delegations theatrically walked out. They did the same thing when Iran's Ahmedinijad got up and made similar points. Today, Israel's Prime Minister got up and spoke. Libya's and Iran's delegations theatrically walked out. Then the Prime Minister denounced every delegation that did not walk out on Libya's and Iran's speeches the day before.

So is this international diplomacy? Is this genuine dialogue? No--it is classic theater: Simple, emotional, sensational, uncomplicated. The orators speak in grand, emotional tones. They play to the audience. Their rhetoric delights some and outrages others. It is intentional. Delighted delegations applaud; outraged ones visibly walk out. Then later orators chastise delegates who did not walk out on speeches the orators did not like.

Funny stuff. But the sad part is that after all the fun and games, the world's differences remain starkly unchanged.

FREEDOM IN IRAQ BEGINS WITH FOOD

By : Mr. L. Paul Bremer, III, B.A., Yale, M.B.A., Harvard Business School; Risk Management Consultant, Marsh & McLennan Co., Inc. (2008-present); Chairman of the Iraq Reconstruction Project under the Coalition Provisional Authority (2003-2004); Terrorism Expert at the Department of Homeland Security (2002); U.S. Ambassador to Norway (1986) and The Netherlands (1983) under President Ronald R. Reagan; Speaks fluent French, Dutch and Norwegian, with a special emphasis on Norwegian/Dutch terrorism dialects spoken in Trondheim, Norway and Rotterdam, Holland; Real Estate Owner; Connoisseur of French Cuisine (excluding Algerian varieties); Republican.

We have a responsibility to bring freedom to Iraq. As Chairman of the Iraq Reconstruction Project during 2003 and 2004, I led key initiatives intended to eradicate Saddam Hussein’s legacy. Consistent with the President’s instructions, I had full authority to institute measures designed to introduce Iraqis to the joys of democracy. Due to increased security regulations during those years, I was unable to report the very great strides I made in Iraq. Now, however, I have received clearance to discuss my achievements. In my view, Americans will be proud to know that we are winning the war on terror. Iraqis are freer now than they ever were under Saddam Hussein’s tyranny. Thanks to my efforts, Iraqis have become less prone to terrorism. And thanks to my efforts, Iraqis have begun embracing American ways.

When I landed in Iraq six years ago, I recognized that Iraqis had to change their diet. I quickly observed that insurgents, Ba’ath Party officials, Republican Guard soldiers, al-Qaeda agents and rocket-toting children all shared one thing in common: They ate Iraqi food. They gorged themselves on pita bread, Iraqi-raised grain balls, falafel, Iraqi-grown wheat shoots and Iraqi myrtle berry cola. I knew from my diplomatic work in Norway that terrorism thrives on Arab-raised food; when Arabic-speaking people eat Arab-raised food, something happens to their DNA. After ten years eating falafel and pita, every Iraqi develops a dangerous propensity to build roadside bombs and chant violent anti-American slogans. I hired a consulting group to confirm what I already knew: Every time an improvised explosive device blew up in Baghdad, falafel crusts and myrtle berry soda bottles were not far from the blast site. Every time our troops shot an insurgent, they found terrorist-raised wheat seeds on his jacket, hands and beard. This evidence told me what I had to do: I had to change Iraqis’ diets.

I knew that freedom could never take hold in Iraq as long as Iraqis continued eating terrorist-raised crops and terrorist-bottled soda. I recognized that the road to freedom began with food. Only democratically-produced American foods could instill respect for democracy and freedom in the Iraqis. No matter how many troops we deployed and how many roadblocks we built in Baghdad, I knew our efforts were bound to fail unless we required Iraqis to eat foods that would set them free.

To combat terrorist diets, I did two things. First, I outlawed Iraqi farmers from harvesting their crops or saving the previous year’s crop. Iraqi-raised crops are terrorist crops. They contain nutrients that foster terrorism, anti-Americanism, violence and al-Qaeda sympathy. Iraqi crops turn Iraqi children into murderers and Iraqi women into suicide bombers. Under Provisional Order 81, I ordered troops to burn all Iraqi-raised crops and destroy all granaries. I made drinking myrtle berry soda crime punishable by imprisonment in Abu Ghraib prison. Similarly, I outlawed all domestic falafel and pita consumption.

At the same time, I understood that these measures would inspire some resentment in the native population. Thus, I provided several key exceptions. Notably, I allowed Iraqis to eat falafel and pita bread provided they contained only American ingredients. After all, American ingredients do not transform children into terrorist bombers or hijackers. To the contrary, American ingredients instill American values, including a desire to start businesses, purchase private health insurance, file tax returns, join sports clubs and buy cable television packages. Additionally, I permitted Iraqis to drink any soda not manufactured by Arabs. In this way, I ensured that they would not drink myrtle berry soda. But I preempted popular resentment by allowing them to drink Coca-Cola®, Pepsi®, Dr. Pepper®, RC Cola® and Mountain Dew® (in addition to all Diet and low-calorie variants for the same brands) on the express condition that they were bottled in the United States. According to my consulting group, Iraqis would not be angry as long as they had access to some sugar-based carbonated beverage. In this sense, my Provisional Order struck a satisfying compromise, all the while reducing terrorism and instilling freedom.

But eliminating terrorist diets represented only one step toward ultimate freedom in Iraq. In order to fully bring liberty to the country, I had to make Iraqis start to think like Americans. Americans don’t want to kill other Americans. Therefore, I had to transform Iraqis into Americans, at least in spirit. Once again, food offered the answer. After destroying terrorist-raised Iraqi crops, I instituted a massive food delivery program from American farms. Specifically, I secured a $14 billion contract with Monsanto Corp. to provide genetically-altered American seeds to Iraqi farmers. These seeds would grow into American crops filled with nutritious American values. By transforming the Iraqi diet, Iraqis would slowly forget RPGs and IEDs and start believing in Domino’s Pizza®, Cadillac Escalades® and investment retirement accounts. In this way, I literally “sowed the seeds” for a democratic Iraq.

Democracy can only take root in a country that thinks the way we do. Iraq represented a difficult task for me because Iraqis are very different from Americans. For one thing, they speak Arabic. Arabic does not sound anything like English, or even Spanish. In fact, it does not even use the same alphabet. Basically, it looks like a bunch of dots and wavy lines. It is difficult to advertise American products to people who speak Arabic. Moreover, Iraqis dress differently and believe in a different God than most Americans. They also worship Osama bin Laden and pray five times a day. These are all sentiments that foster terrorism and hostility to traditional employment. I knew it would be difficult to overcome these differences. I knew it would be difficult to make Iraqis free. After all, Iraqis would not be Americans until they truly wished to work 50 hours at an insurance company or bank, then take their children to soccer practice on Saturdays. Iraqis would not be Americans until they bought their own health insurance and took out at least $90,000 to get an education. I understood my challenge. But I knew that American food would start Iraqis on the road to freedom—and being American.

Time proved me right. Over time, Monsanto’s seeds took root in the Iraqi soil, yielding American crops. American crops made their way into Iraqi stomachs, slowly changing their minds from terrorism to free market enterprise. By 2006, most Iraqi children said that they no longer wanted to be like Osama bin Laden, but rather John Mayer, “because he gets all the hoes.” Similarly, most Iraqi adults said that they would rather see a movie featuring Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt than attend a Friday mosque rally denouncing George W. Bush as Satan. Attacks on American troops fell. Pizza Hut® and Burger King® franchises sprouted up. Strip malls, nail salons and Starbucks® Coffee houses replaced bombed-out insurgent strongholds. Iraqis began opening branch banks to provide mortgages and business loans to hopeful young entrepreneurs. Iraqis even slowly began abandoning Arabic for English. Thanks to their new diet, Iraqis were turning into Americans.

Although my work in Iraq had ended by 2006, I took quiet comfort in a job well done. I salute the Iraqis for their commitment to freedom. It takes intelligence to recognize that being American is better than being Iraqi. Yet Iraqis did not just become Americans to own larger cars and open banks. No, they understood that being American is much safer than being Iraqi, especially in a country under American military administration. By changing their ways from terrorism to Americanism, Iraqis saved their children from certain death in airstrikes, helicopter missile attacks and firefights. They also saved themselves from being randomly shot by American contractors. Diet did all this. After Iraqis began ingesting American crops, they no longer wanted to take up arms against the “hateful invaders.” Rather, they saw the Americans for what they were: Liberators bearing the torch of secular free enterprise and private profit for all—even for former terrorists and Arabic speakers. They not only wanted to abandon their old ways; they also wanted to be successful Americans with substantial incomes, homes, credit cards and garages.

Terrorism is a losing proposition. No suicide bomb or hijacking can stop the United States. We have too much to offer. We are too seductive. It makes no sense to wage futile war on the country that produces iPods®, Blu-Ray Disc® players and PlayStation 3®. Your children want to be like our children, no matter what terrorist dishes you feed them. Once they start eating American food, they will never take up arms against America again. Everyone wants our freedom. They just need to eat right first.

I performed a miracle in Iraq. But I achieved my goal because everyone on earth really wants to be an American. Those who say otherwise are just confused. They simply must change their diet to see the light. Once American food arrives in your country, it is just a matter of time before you start hungering for freedom. And super special sale deals at well-maintained shopping centers.

A SHORT BREAK, AND A WORD ON TERRORISM IN THE PRESS

Today I am flying to London to meet some old friends. I will be back on Monday and hopefully will have the strength to write by Tuesday. It is unusual for me to take breaks from posting. Normally I post everyday, with some exceptions. If you do not see anything popping up on the blog until next week, you know the reason. Never fear; I am still here, and I have plenty more issues to discuss when I sit back down to write.

I am looking forward to my trip. Traveling always refreshes me, especially when I travel to Europe. Maybe it's my ancestry kicking in. I just feel at home there. Although I am a little worried about the food (mutton, jelly doughnuts, liver salad, sausage rolls, fried fish filets, "chips" and "crisps"), I am most enthusiastic about the ales.

Before I leave, I must mention one thing I saw in the New York Times today. Apparently, the New York Police Department foiled a plot to bomb two Jewish synagogues in the Bronx. For almost a year, an informant infiltrated a group of four black American Muslims, one of whom was born in Afghanistan. During the investigation, the informant discovered that these four men "wanted to do something to America." But they had no resources, no contacts and no money. They did not even speak Arabic and had never left American soil. They simply "wanted" to be terrorists, even though they were just four poor angry black guys from New York. The informant secured some fake explosives for them, and even said he could help them obtain Stinger missiles so they could shoot down military aircraft in upstate New York. After the ill-informed conspirators planted the fake bombs outside the synagogues, the FBI moved in and arrested them all. No one was harmed. The bombs were inert.

Revealingly, the police did not even call these would-be martyrs "terrorists." Rather, they called them "petty criminals." I found this interesting. After all, America defines itself against terrorism. During the Bush era, America took perverse strength from this artificial duality. After all, life is much simpler when there is one black and one white, and the "America/Terrorist" distinction made all political analysis breathtakingly simple. It was utterly nonsensical, of course, but that's not the point. The point is that senior people in our government actually believed it. They believed that Americans were "white/good" and Terrorists were "black/evil." You can't get any worse than a "terrorist." Good versus evil. Luke versus Darth Vader. Who can misunderstand that?

But according to the NYPD, these guys were not even "terrorists." Ironically, I guess they were not good enough--or scary enough--to earn the title. After all, they were just a bunch of dumb "urban" guys who thought (stupidly) they had found free explosives. In a strange way, the whole "America/Terrorist" dichotomy actually dignifies terrorists in the sense that they must be "really good at being evil" to fall into the "terrorist" category. In other words, you need to be really good at what you do to be a "terrorist." Americans will only fear you if you are a "terrorist." They will take you seriously if you are a "terrorist." But if you are just a "petty criminal," Americans will laugh at you and call you stupid. They will not quake with fear. You do not deserve the imposing label "terrorist."

Yet how ironic is this? Aren't all terrorists supposed to be irretrievably bad, evil and worthless? You shouldn't be able to say that terrorists are "good" in any way, right? Perhaps not. According to public rhetoric, as here, you must be a really scary--and effective--criminal to qualify as a terrorist. You actually must have some skill, merit and ability to be an American arch-enemy. But if you are just a bumbling 25-year-old black guy from Brooklyn with an adopted Muslim name who says: "I want to do something to America," you are a mere "petty criminal." These guys "didn't make the cut." They were just inept "petty criminals," not ruthless, skilled "terrorists." They just weren't good enough to be "terrorists." If there were a terrorism job fair, these guys would not have even gotten an interview.

America's rhetoric about terrorism exposes even more thematic inconsistencies. In discussing the charges against these "dumb bombers," New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said: "This is a serious matter. They were planning on committing jihad (emphasis added)." I do not know Arabic, but I know from watching Fox News that jihad means "holy war." We hear it all the time. Muslims have fought jihad for centuries, both to expand and to defend their religion. Christians, too, have waged "holy wars" to expand and defend their religion (The Crusades; The Thirty Years' War; The Spanish Armada, etc). It is not a concept unique to Islam. Yet this is precisely what American rhetoric about terrorism would have us believe.

Here, the issue is not whether only Muslims fight for religion. The issue is the patronizing way in which America characterizes Islam. In this example, Commissioner Kelly--a police chief discussing criminal charges--says that the suspects wanted to "commit jihad." In English idiom, the verb "commit" always accompanies crimes. Men "commit" murder. They "commit" robbery. They "commit" rape. But jihad expresses the concept "holy war." It is not a common crime. It implies an abiding religious motivation. No statute forbids "armed action intended to defend the Muslim religion." In fact--in the Muslim understanding--jihad is a mandatory religious exercise against hostile forces; it is not a crime at all. Although its practical effects may give rise to crimes under American law, it really does not fit in the usual language about "everyday offenses." Yet Commissioner Kelly used the word "jihad" in the way he would describe any other crime. In this sense, he completely marginalized Islam and equated it with petty criminality. He might as well have said: "These men wanted to commit Islam."

I think this is significant. We still live with the inane "America/Terrorist" distinction even under Obama. Until America starts trying to understand why Muslims--both here and abroad--might have a problem with American policies and attitudes, we can expect more resentment, more violence and more "terror." George W. Bush shoehorned complicated issues into an unrealistic, fanciful "good versus evil" dichotomy. In so doing, he inflicted immense philosophical and conceptual damage on America's international reputation. Exploiting ignorance and passion after 9/11, he drew fictitious lines and stubbornly took sides. But religious strife and international disputes demand subtle explanation and genuine understanding, not blustering self-righteousness. Our problems have not disappeared since 9/11. If anything, they have worsened. The fact that there has not been another major attack does not prove that the Muslim world now "loves America." In my view, we still have a long way to go. After all, our public officials are still referring to traditional Muslim practices as "crimes."

Yet this is the absolutist path down which Bush led us. It will take time to correct the damage. It will take time to remember that black is not always black, nor is white always white. It may have been easy to think that there was "good" and "evil" in the world for a few years, but our delusion merely made the problems worse.

Contrary to all expectations, America does not yet have a monopoly on truth or virtue. Nor does it have a right to criticize other countries for waging religious wars, especially after the revelations last week that President Bush received weekly briefing books about the Iraq War inscribed with biblical quotations. If anything, we have a strong claim on the world monopoly for hypocrisy. And until we start selling our stake in that monopoly, we can expect more international strife.

VLADIMIR PUTIN ON CHRIS BROWN

СЕГОДНЯ ИЗ МОСКВЫ

By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Acting Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation; Former Agent, KGB; Bold Russian Unafraid to Show Chest to United States

Зтот Крис Браун мне совсем равен. This Chris Brown means absolutely nothing to me. For some reason, the American press wastes valuable time reporting about this—do I say this correctly?—“R/B Star.” I am worried about Georgia, Poland and Czech missile defense program. But these Americans blather about this criminal boy who strikes women? This happens every day in Russia. If the man hurts the woman, the police come and arrest the man. He apologizes. Then he goes home and drinks vodka. End of story—конец истории. We have more important matters to discuss.

What is the big deal with this singer of Pop song: “Run It?” So the Americans like to dance to this so-called “khip-khop” music? Is this so important? What about the Imperialist War they wage in Iraq and Afghanistan? Is this “Run It” singer more important? In Russia, we worry about significant matters. We are currently conducting oil exploration in the Arctic Sea and in Siberia. We talk about rebels in Chechnya in our news, not about people named “Chris Brown,” “Rikhanna” and “Paris Khilton.” We even talk about our ill grandfathers and uncles who sit all day in a drunken stupor. Yes, our youth in Russia likes the “khip-khop” music—they even dance to this “Run It” song under Russian name “Быстро Бегать с Этом” (“Quickly Running With It”)—but we do not waste valuable State news service time talking about men who bitch-slap. It is completely incomprehensible to the Russian mind.

I am curious to see what happens with new American President, Barack Obama. At present, he has said nothing about Russia. Does he want to restrict our oil-gathering activities? Is he going to pull a Condoleeza Rice on us and say we must be peaceful? This Bush made me laugh. He said Russia had no right to invade Georgia in order to protect our borders because it is no longer 1968. I said: “You are right; it is not 1968. But it is quite close to 2003, the year you invaded Iraq in order to protect your borders.” What goes for you goes for Russia, Mr. President. Thankfully this new President Obama has focused his energy on problems at home. This is what the President Bush should have done. Instead, he wasted all resources on foreign adventures. He even made me angry and I threatened to aim nuclear weapons at Poland. What an idiot. This Bush said he could “look into my soul” when he met me at a Ranch in 2001. To be blunt: О моей душе вы ничеґо не знаете—about my soul you know nothing. In fact, you know nothing about many things, dear President Bush.

Here in Russia we consider important questions. But in America you talk about Chris Brown. What is the meaning of this? During Cold War, you spoke about spying and nuclear submarines. Now you speak all day about Rikhanna and Chris Brown. You pose serious questions about whether this young “khip-khop artist” should face criminal charges for hitting a woman. Is this important State policy? Shouldn’t you be asking what we Russians are doing? Yes, we would like to be your friends if you treated us with respect. With new President Obama, you have chance to normalize relations with Russian Federation. But no, you would prefer to talk about “khip-khop Star” and private college youth basketball tourney. Этоґо я не понимаю—I don’t understand it. I suppose you can talk about whatever you want, but if I were U.S. President, I would be thinking about European alliances and oil reserves, not Chris Brown and his big gold chains. So what he did not appear at Grammy’s? Is this important State business? And so what about Rikhanna? She is cultural ambassador to Republic of Barbados. Is American relationship with Barbados more important than relationship with Russian Federation? Какую глупость я никогда не увидел—such stupidity I have never seen.

Сейчас у меня идея—Now I have an idea. While you Americans fixate your attention on March Madness and Chris Brown, I will instigate actions in Ukraine and Poland. I understand also that Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia express interest in rejoining the Russian Federation. While you Americans talk about Rikhanna and “khip-khop Stars” who dress in oversize sport T-Shirts, I will quietly move into Belarus, Georgia and Kazakhstan. After all, you are too concerned about Chris Brown to worry about what Russia is doing in Central Asia. With luck, you will not even notice when I move nuclear weapons closer to the Polish border. What do you care about Poland? You would rather talk about spring training baseball and new Justin Timberlake MTV premiere.

I am pleased that I no longer have to deal with President Bush. Although he supplied me with many opportunities for jokes, it really got to be bothersome dealing with him and the Condoleeza Rice after a while. It is, after all, difficult to speak with people of low intelligence who take instructions from Baptist Church instead of reason. This Obama will be more interesting. He is an educated man. He is a lawyer, not a failed oil excavator who later found religion. I, too, am a lawyer by trade. Perhaps I will see this man in a better light than his predecessor. I do not know yet. He says he wants to reform American free market system. Here in Russia, we have free market system with some modifications. This Obama probably will not like our modifications. And he probably will not like the fact that we now increase the size of our Armed Forces. Who knows what he will do. I will simply look at him suspiciously. I look at everything suspiciously. Just look at my eyes. I trust nothing and no one. Я просто подосрителный человек—I am just a suspicious person.

In a way, I am thankful for this Chris Brown. He gives me now opportunity to consolidate my plans in Georgia, Eastern Europe and in the Arctic. The less interference I receive from United States, the better. Let the Americans worry about Rikhanna’s face and Chris Brown’s prison term. They can listen to the “khip-khop” song “Run It” all they want while I move soldiers into Kiev and Riga. Americans are easily distracted. I will take advantage of their distraction to restore Russia to its rightful place. Soon there will again be two superpowers, not just one. As long as the Americans waste valuable resources talking about Chris Brown, Russia will grow stronger every day.

Благодарю Крису Брауну—thank you, Chris Brown. You have no idea how important you are to the geopolitical fortunes of the great Russian Federation. From the Kremlin, I say again, thank you. Your complete insignificance will actually prove significant for Russia.

A STATEMENT FROM MR. BIN LADEN

By : Mr. Osama bin Laden, Managing Partner and Recruitment Director, Al Qaeda Charter Flight Diversions & Caveside Training Camp Getaways, LP (A Limited Partnership Organized and Existing Under the Laws of the States of Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kurdistan, Saudi Arabia and Syria)

Last week, America abruptly changed course by electing Mr. Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th President of the United States. For years, I have attracted many followers because it has been so easy to paint America as a bullying, hostile, imperialist, conservative, oil-hungry empire led by a small-minded, petty, ignorant, typically American, oil-hungry white male pedant. He even came from Texas and wore cowboy hats on his days off; could it get any easier for me? But now America has a well-educated new leader who is the same color I am. It is much harder for me to hate this man; after all, our names are also quite similar. Only a consonant separates us. Time well tell whether his policies will offend me, but truth be told, it does not look like they will.

Under George W. Bush, America took an openly hostile stance toward my homeland and my religion. American foreign policy in the Middle East was heavy-handed and insensitive. Bush's Vice President even had stockholdings in a major oil excavation company, allowing him to personally benefit from American military involvement in the Middle East. Under Bush, America began military operations in several Muslim nations and maintained a military presence in the Nation that houses our holiest sites, Saudi Arabia. How could I not attract followers with such a cast of villains to work with? I just had to point out that Americans don't live in the Middle East, yet here they were bombing, invading and destroying lives. Did the Americans like it when the British invaded their homeland? No. They fought a guerrilla war against the imperialist invaders. I have applied the same principle against America over the last few years. America gave me all the material I needed to keep my operations extremely popular. Hate fuels my work, and it was easy to hate Bush's America. But now I fear that Obama will be hard to hate. The future of my organization is in jeopardy.

Have I actually won? After 9/11, I knew I had made Americans' lives miserable by making them endure inane security checks, searches, suspicion and reduced civil liberties. I wasn't fortunate enough to kill any more Americans after 9/11, but the damage was done. I knocked Americans off their high horse. For once, they felt the fear that so many Muslims now feel in war-torn regions in the Middle East. No longer could they simply go blithely about their business. Now they had to look over their shoulders and wonder whether a foreign enemy might strike. Before me, Americans never had to endure that fear. They merely reaped what they sowed. They tried to avenge the 9/11 attacks by invading Afghanistan and Iraq, but those wars have not brought them victory. Indeed, those wars have exhausted America and thrown her into economic turmoil. Now most Americans simply want to leave Iraq and go home. That suits me fine. When they elected Obama, they showed that they do not want any more foreign escapades in Iraq. To that extent, I won. I caused the Americans to abandon their expansionism in the Middle East and elect an anti-war President.

Why should I hate President Obama? He says he's out to get me. But I really doubt that he will invest much national treasure into his promise. After all, Bush spent America dry on war, and still he never found me. True, he wasted most of his effort in Iraq, but he never stopped pouring funds into the hunt for me. Obama, on the other hand, says he wants to decrease America's military budget. He talks about universal health care, more education, more schools and more unemployment benefits. These are domestic endeavors. Obama, then, wants to help his own people. That is fine with me. Why should I hate America if it simply minds its own business? I attracted so much support because for years America ignored its own people and focused all its energy on foreign adventures in Kuwait, Iraq, Somalia and Afghanistan. America found itself hated because it meddled in other countries' business. If America stops meddling and starts trying to understand other countries' perspectives, there will be no reason for other countries to hate America.

Obama is almost the same color as I am. You think that doesn't matter? I had no problem attracting support against America because everyone thinks that America only elects narrow-minded, stodgy, warlike white Protestant cretins to be President. President Bush confirmed all those stereotypes. He reinforced our cynicism about American rulers. White Protestant Americans have particular views about the world, and we could accurately guess that they would be hostile to Islam. But Barack Hussein Obama is not 100% white. True, he is partly white, but his father was an African named Hussein. Genealogy does not lie. Africans named Hussein do not act and think the same way as the descendants of North American Puritan Protestants. American Presidents act the way they do because they descend from the Puritan Protestant value system. But Obama does not descend from American Protestant blood. He has values other than thrift, shortsighted "hard work," secularism, commercial success and cultural intolerance. He was not born into privilege and has experienced America's injustices first-hand. He knows about America's great hypocrisies and will do his best to combat them, not perpetuate them. He does not come from America's myopic mainstream, and he has no incentive to defend that mainstream. All America's past Presidents came from that mainstream and benefited from it. They had every reason to defend it because it enriched them. Obama was born an outsider. He will not rule America with the same blind zeal for mainstream American values that marked his predecessors.

I built my organization on hatred for mainstream American values. Mainstream American values focus exclusively on commercial expansion and secular enrichment. They lead to overseas imperialism and cultural misogyny. These are the natural consequences of unbridled commercial hunger. Yet Barack Obama does not spring from mainstream American values. I fear that he will rule with understanding, compassion, tolerance and goodwill; and that bodes ill for my organization. My organization depends on continued American brutality, ignorance and intolerance. If America suddenly adopts a truly understanding course in foreign relations, there will be nothing left to hate except MTV, Dancing with the Stars, Britney Spears, Hollywood movies and rap music. As appalling as these things may be, they are not sufficient reasons to hijack airliners and slaughter American civilians. In the past, we could count on America to arrogantly ignore foreign cultures in its quest to conquer new world markets and obtain natural resources. We could count on America to bully, intimidate and even bomb countries that resisted her commercial overtures. Now, I fear that America will actually take a less aggressive stance on the world stage and focus on her own people. Without a villainous America, my organization will go out of business. We all have to retire one day, but I did not think I would be retiring at such a young age.

Perhaps I am wrong. Granted, I am making many assumptions about President Obama. Perhaps once he takes control in Washington he will turn into another shortsighted American thug beholden to oil excavation interests. But I seriously doubt this will happen. The fact that America elected a partially black man says that they no longer wish to do "business as usual." In other words, they do not want perpetuate the same old mainstream American values, because those values got them in trouble. It takes a lot for Americans to admit fault, and when they resolve to change their ways, something huge must have happened. I fear that America truly intends to change its ways. That means more domestic compassion and less foreign villainy. Rather than arrogantly projecting its power over foreign nations, it appears that America wishes to focus its energy on its own people. If this happens, I suppose I can count myself a winner. I will have played a role in curtailing decades of American interventionism. After all, if America backs away from foreign interventionism, I will be able to live in peace, secure in the knowledge that foreign armies do not occupy any Muslim lands. And if I live in peace, so too will the Americans.