TERRORIST GHOST ATTACK IS IMMINENT : WE ARE NOT SAFE

SAFETY ADVISORY

WASHINGTON, D.C.

By : David Petraeus, Director, Central Intelligence Agency

Last week, our Nation marked a significant milestone with the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We can be grateful that we escaped the event without incident. Thanks to the tireless efforts of State and Federal law enforcement, America foiled any attempt to mar the memorial ceremony with violence.

As a Nation, we have come closer this year to defeating terror than at any time since 9/11. We have killed Osama bin Laden. We have al-Qaeda on the run. And we have created a culture of security that keeps Americans safe from terror.

Despite these encouraging developments, we cannot let our guard down. While the Central Intelligence Agency understands that Americans simply want to live without fear, we cannot yet afford to quell the alarm.

In fact, we regret to inform the public that al-Qaeda has unleashed a frightening new weapon: Ghosts.

Generally, we here at the Central Intelligence Agency do not speak directly to the American people. Circumstances, however, mandate that we reveal critical new information that impacts all Americans. Public safety is acutely in danger, and we must advise appropriate measures to cope with the risk.

Today's threat is elusive. It does not involve bombs, guns or gas. It does not involve suicide attackers. It does not even involve living human beings. No, it involves something much more frightening: The vengeful spirits of slain al-Qaeda leaders returned from the grave.

This is not a hoax. Our agents have credible, reliable and confirmed reports that al-Qaeda intends to make supernatural war against New York City, especially the Ground Zero site. According to top agents, it appears that the angry ghosts of al-Qaeda leaders are currently on their way from the spirit world to wreak havoc on Lower Manhattan. Agents also inform us that these spirits have recruited ghouls, goblins, wraiths, specters, poltergeists and even zombies to spread fear in New York.

Understandably, we are taking these threats extremely seriously. Supernatural warfare cannot be taken lightly. We have already received initial reports that al-Qaeda ghosts are both extremely scary and difficult to pinpoint. And most disturbingly, intelligence indicates that conventional weaponry is useless against ghosts. Bullets, bombs and airstrikes simply cannot harm these terrifying spirits. After all, ghosts are already dead: Killing them again is no easy matter.

It is not entirely clear how al-Qaeda ghosts will operate. Some experts believe that terror ghosts can manipulate electronics. This poses a devastating threat to the national economy. Ghosts could ostensibly haunt iPads, iPhones, NASDAQ and the internet. Communication and commerce would break down, imperiling a fragile economic recovery.

Just imagine what would happen if an angry al-Qaeda spirit corrupted the Nation's computers? Web browsing, timekeeping, online bill paying, social networking and E-Harmony would collapse. Chaos would follow. It is a horrifying thought.

Worse, intelligence also indicates that ghosts can change cable channels without warning, take over flight controls, scare away workers and terrify small children. Finally, ghosts represent a very real danger to seniors and persons with cardiac difficulty: Seeing a ghost can easily cause heart failure.

In short, we face a serious crisis.

But it is essential to maintain calm. While we acknowledge that al-Qaeda ghosts are certainly scary, we are already taking action against them. In our battles with al-Qaeda, we have learned how to cope with terror. We know how to foil attacks, and supernatural attacks are no different. Put simply, we can defeat anything al-Qaeda throws at us, including ghosts.

Together with military and law enforcement authorities, the CIA is hard at work securing Lower Manhattan against the expected spectral onslaught. Thanks to improved interrogation methods, we have confirmed that the ghosts of Osama bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Mustafa al-Yazid intend to float into the area around Ground Zero within the next 48 hours. We will be ready for them.

Authorities will lock down Lower Manhattan to quarantine the ghosts as soon as they land. Regrettably, these measures will entail some inconvenience for New Yorkers. All citizens will be subject to search and detainment to verify that they have not been haunted by al-Qaeda. And all citizens may be required to surrender their personal property--including their clothing and underwear--for inspection to determine whether a spirit has not hidden within it. After all, we are talking about ghosts. They can easily hide in backpacks, socks, panties, boxer shorts, water bottles and even cell phones.

While we appreciate citizens' concerns for their liberty, dignity and privacy in these matters, we reiterate that security against terrorist ghosts requires strong action. Comprehensive security is the only way to successfully defeat ghosts.

We recognize that New Yorkers simply want to get back to normal after 10 years of terror. But we cannot afford to give up now. We face perhaps the most frightening battle we have yet faced in the War on Terror. We are all afraid of ghosts; but al-Qaeda ghosts are especially bad. Worse, this is no ghost story. This is a specific, credible and confirmed threat.

Still, Americans do not back down. We can defeat terrorist ghosts just as well as living terrorists. We all must refuse to give in to fear. Go to work. Go on vacation. Go to a movie. Go buy a car. Go buy a home. Go about your business as you would any other day. If a ghoul accosts you, tell him you're an American and you are not afraid. Sure, he might haunt you or even steal your handbag, but that is no reason to bend to terror.

We here at the CIA will do our part to keep the public informed as we obtain new reports. Until that time, we advise full cooperation with law enforcement. If you are detained, remember that your sacrifice is absolutely necessary to prevent al-Qaeda from haunting America. You will be released as soon as competent authorities determine that an al-Qaeda ghost has not hidden somewhere in your clothing or on your body.

In this age of heightened security concerns, we all must be prepared to make the occasional sacrifice. If we do not, the ghosts win.

AID TO HAITI IS AID TO AL QAEDA : DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES

DICK CHENEY SPEAKS OUT FOR AMERICA

By : Mr. Richard B. Cheney, Former Vice President of the United States of America (2001-2009); Chairman of the Board of Directors, Halliburton Co. (1993-2000); Secretary of Defense Under President George H.W. Bush (1989-1993); Energy Expert; Security Expert; Last Published Gross Income (2001): $36,100,000.

Two days ago, President Barack Hussien Obama pledged a fortune in U.S. aid to Haiti. He said that America "has not forsaken you" and that "the entire world stands with you in your hour of need." Even now, President Obama is earmarking huge shipments of American food and medicine to Haiti. He even sent 5,700 American soldiers and physicians to aid "relief efforts."

President Obama is treading dangerously close to treason. In a word, America must provide no aid to Haiti, because Haiti is a Caribbean al Qaeda stronghold. Al Qaeda caused this earthquake, not Mother Nature. America must not support countries that support terror, especially countries that commit geological genocide on their own people. Put simply, President Obama is to blame for failing to spot this disaster before it struck; intelligence sources clearly indicated that al Qaeda was planning a seismological attack. Now he seeks to deflect the blame by playing the "humanitarian."

In 2003, I said: "We know to a certainty that terrorists are doing everything they can to gain even deadlier means of striking us." See N.Y. Times, Cheney Defends Administration's Handling of Iraq, Oct. 10, 2003. As the case in Haiti shows, the terrorists recently learned how to cause earthquakes using sophisticated fault manipulation techniques. CIA reports indicate that Haitian al Qaeda cells obtained quake-inducing equipment from Osama bin Laden's deputy chief--Yasim bin al-Faqda--in December 2009. They then traveled to a remote site south of Port-au-Prince where they triggered the massive quake that left 100,000 dead.

It is unfortunate that so many people died. But we can take solace in the fact that Haitians are al Qaeda supporters who hate America. For that reason, we cannot send aid to our enemies. We are in a War; our enemies are prepared to harness geological power to kill us, just as I warned in 2003. How can we win this War if we try to save our enemies? For every Haitian we pull from twisted wreckage, we save a future underwear bomber. Every time we save an injured Haitian mother with free medical care, we allow her to bear yet another al Qaeda murderer in the future.

No matter what the networks say, this is no "humanitarian disaster." This is terrorism; and America must not support it. When terrorists die, no American should shed a tear--let alone send donations.

President Obama cannot handle the War on Terror. In just three months, President Obama has failed to act on credible intelligence that could have averted three major terror strikes. First, he failed to stop al Qaeda's Fort Hood shooter from killing soldiers in Texas. Second, he failed to prevent Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab from boarding plane in Holland with a bomb in his underwear. And last, he ignored clear warnings that al Qaeda possessed seismological terror weapons in Haiti.

Mr. President, when will you wake up? The American people refuse to live in fear. But they cannot live peacefully without protection from the Federal government. If President Obama continues to allow terrorists to strike freely, our entire country will collapse. Worse, President Obama perpetrates deliberate fraud on the American people by claiming that the attack in Haiti was actually a "natural disaster." Adding insult to injury, he now sends American treasure to the very people who mean to kill us.

Leaving terror to one side, America has no duty to help other countries in need. Even if Haiti were not a hornet's nest of anti-American Muslim extremism, America has no business solving other countries' problems. We do not provide free medical care to our own people. We expect self-reliance from them. Yet the moment some "disaster" strikes abroad, we immediately send elite American doctors and expensive pharmaceutical products to foreigners for free. I'm sure many Americans would like the same treatment that impoverished Sudanese and Haitians receive for nothing.

This is a national disgrace; it must stop. Health care is expensive enough for Americans. We can neither allow nor afford to waste resources on Caribbean geological thugs.

Furthermore, we cannot allow ourselves to pity people who could have protected themselves. Every human being has a duty to look out for his own safety. If people suffer injury because they put themselves in harm's way, they do not deserve sympathy. And they certainly do not deserve handouts.

Haitians should have known that they lived on a major fault line. They should have heeded warnings that al Qaeda was planning to cause an earthquake along that fault line. They should have purchased airline tickets to safely carry them from the danger zone. In short, they should have minded their own safety. Yet millions stayed put. Just as New Orleans residents had a chance to flee imminent danger before Hurricane Katrina struck, so too did the Haitians have a chance to leave Haiti before al Qaeda triggered the earthquake. The fact that they suffered reflects their own negligence and stupidity, not "random misfortune." In that light, it makes no sense to pity Haitians--or send them money--for deliberately ignoring clear warnings. We do not pity people who lay on railroad tracks, then complain that a train cut off their legs. They could have just gotten off the tracks.

In sum, we cannot tolerate aid to Haiti. Aid to Haiti rewards irresponsibility and supports al Qaeda. Aid to Haiti sends a message to our enemies that we not only tolerate their attacks, but also that we will even give them free money when they strike. At this dangerous moment, we cannot allow pity to blind us to the fact that al Qaeda is stronger than ever. The attack on Haiti was merely a test; if we let down our guard now, San Francisco might be the next city to crumble.

President Obama has betrayed the American people. He not only ignored intelligence that could have prevented three terror strikes, but now he even aids an entire Nation of terrorists by cynically labeling the effort "humanitarian support." This is not what a Commander-in-Chief does in wartime. A Commander-in-Chief punishes enemies; he does not feed them or give them free American medicine. At a time when millions of Americans desperately need health care, President Obama should be ashamed for wasting American medical expertise on terrorists.

We should not waste our time or our money saving Jihadists in Haiti. Rather, we should be searching worldwide for al Qaeda's weapons of tectonic destruction. Who knows what fault lines they are now reconnoitering. Who knows what geological terror they are now plotting. As the Haiti attack shows, we are in very real seismological danger.

We must remember that the War on Terror is very real. We must not allow President Obama and his fawning networks to mislead us into thinking that the Haiti attack was a "natural disaster." This was no "natural event." This was deliberate mass murder.

I believe it my duty to tell the American people the truth. I am--and always will be--a public servant. When I perceive threats to the country I love, I disclose them to the extent permitted by applicable Homeland Security protocols. And when I see the President of the United States defrauding the Nation by masking support for terror as "humanitarian aid," I must speak.

Stop pitying Haiti. When terrorists die, America takes one step closer to victory in the War on Terror. Not only that, America has no duty to help impoverished Caribbean islands when they suffer difficulty. Americans make their own way; other countries should, too. We don't get free lunches; and we don't give them away, either.

Turn off that television set. Stop listening to Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper and Obama's other propagandists. Do not allow them to trick you into thinking that injured Haitians are worth saving. They are not. And don't even feel bad about it. It's not your responsibility to help them, even if they weren't terrorists.

Instead, listen to me. I was Vice President for eight years. I was Secretary of Defense for four. I led one of the Nation's most successful private corporations. I listen to CIA briefings. I care about this Nation's safety more than anyone else here. I know what I'm talking about. And I am looking out for you.

Protect yourself and your family. Stop worrying about Haiti. They got what was coming to them for supporting al Qaeda.

Now we must focus on ourselves. We must find al Qaeda's earthquake machine before bin Laden uses it on American fault lines. And we have no time to waste.

AL QAEDA SURRENDERS

*BIG NEWS FLASH*

IT'S OFFICIAL : BIN LADEN THROWS IN THE TOWEL; HANDS HIMSELF OVER TO U.S.

Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer has just learned that al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden has "given up the war" against Western imperialism. He handed himself over to U.S. forces stationed in Puerto Rico. "You idiots thought I was in Afghanistan the whole time. All the while I was sunning myself right under your noses. Well, I'm giving up because I just don't feel like fighting anymore, not because you beat me. I need a break."

Mr. bin Laden spoke for al-Qaeda when he said that there was "no point" fighting against the United States any longer. "We keep on killing you and you just keep shopping. No matter how many people we blow up, you never change. What's the point? I'm sick of banging my head against the wall trying to convince you guys that you're not living right. Oh well; I'll sign whatever you want me to sign."

Commanding American general Raymond D. Odierno accepted Mr. bin Laden's surrender. He also demanded that Mr. bin Laden sign a peace treaty with the United States. "We end wars with treaties," explained General Odierno.

Under the treaty--informally named the Chillocothe Protocol of 2009 after a town in Ohio (for no particular reason)--Mr. bin Laden admits that he started the War on Terror and that he lost. He also admits that he is responsible for property damage exceeding $5.00 worldwide. The treaty provides that Mr. bin Laden and al-Qaeda will pay compensation for starting the war, as well as apologize to the San Francisco Fire Department for forcing its members to undergo additional disaster training. Mr. bin Laden further agrees to help Larry Silverstein--owner of the World Trade Center real estate--find a suitable new property for his commercial ventures. In short, Mr. bin Laden promises that he will not be a terrorist anymore. Rather, he promises to meaningfully contribute to the American economy.

For his part, Mr. bin Laden said that it was getting "tiresome" fighting U.S. Forces abroad. "They invaded our homelands, they defiled Mecca and they killed our families with cruise missiles. We tried to hit back at them, but they just keep coming. We wanted to show that they were Western barbarians obsessed with profit and oil. But no matter how many civilians and soldiers we killed, they just kept going to Wal-Mart without fear. You have no idea how frustrating it is to dedicate yourself to terrorism, and after 10 years Americans still aren't afraid. Does Kanye West look scared? How about Tom Brady? Dick Cheney? They're more afraid of the IRS than me. True, I suppose I've made some Americans' lives difficult by forcing them to endure strip searches and long lines at airports, but that wasn't my intention. I wanted to show the Americans that they are wrong about life. I've failed: They still just want to make money, go to the movies, eat fast food, watch Sunday sports broadcasts and purchase homes. Well, I suppose if you can't beat them, might as well join them. I give up. Screw it. Most of them will die of obesity-related illnesses anyway."

American authorities are pleased that Mr. bin Laden has proven so cooperative with U.S demands. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton praised Mr. bin Laden for his "extraordinary efforts to comply with American requirements:" "Mr. bin Laden even agreed to convert to Christianity and celebrate Christmas with the Metropolitan Baltimore Caroling Society. He has agreed to buy Wii home entertainment systems for low-income children in the Bronx. In short, Mr. bin Laden has gone from villain to Santa Claus overnight. What an astonishing turnaround."

Despite Mr. bin Laden's agreement to cooperate with the United States, American authorities worry what his al-Qaeda followers will do now that he has surrendered. Thankfully, many former al-Qaeda operatives--including previously undiscovered "sleeper" agents both in the U.S. and abroad--have voluntarily given up and agreed to convert to Christianity. Like their leader, these operatives agree that fighting the United States is a hopeless cause. Many--including suspected mass murderer Mohammad Zazabi--have even agreed to abandon terrorism and work in the private sector. Mr. Zazabi even said that he was willing to wear an elf costume this Christmas season and hand out free perfume at Macy's in New York City. "If I cannot kill them, I will provide them fragrant waters. I will now show that I, too, can be someone in America," he said.

Hollywood celebrities are overjoyed that al-Qaeda has surrendered. "The War on Terror is over," said Zac Efron. "Let's welcome our new friends into our lives." Mr. Efron said that Disney has already begun planning a musical based on Mr. bin Laden's surrender in which Mr. bin Laden will meet the cast of High School Musical and dance several numbers, including: "I Used to Terrorize, Now I Just Texticize LOLLERS," and sing the solo "Tora Bora No More-A More-A."

Mr. bin Laden is a busier man now than he ever was as al-Qaeda's shadowy leader. He now has a schedule packed with interviews, book signings, university commencement speeches and motivational talks about leadership with Fortune 500 corporate boards. He is even slated to appear on FOX News as a Middle Eastern commentator.

"He knows what he's talking about," said Bill O'Reilly of his new colleague. "I can let bygones be bygones. Osama told me he doesn't like Obama, so he's OK in my boat."

"I am a rational man," Mr. bin Laden said during treaty negotiations. "I know when a cause is hopeless. Americans do not respond to terrorism, so I will not be a terrorist anymore. I'm a result-oriented person; I'm not going to play a losing game. I abandon strategies that don't work. Instead, I will just get with the program and pursue more profitable endeavors."

Mr. bin Laden's remarks about "results," "profit" and "winning strategies" won him kudos from industry leaders nationwide. "Part of winning means giving up on losing," said J. Ferguson Bradworth, CFO of Schluck Pharmaceuticals Co., Inc.

OBAMA DESERVED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS

By : Ms. Charlene E. Everson, Chairperson, The Obama Fan Club of Greater Tuscaloosa; Democrat; Believer in Miracles; High School Graduate.

President Barack Hussein Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday, and for good reason. Despite Mr. Obama's repeated successes over the past nine months, many critics say that he has "not done enough" to warrant the coveted international award. They say he has not had enough time to amass the achievements necessary to deserve it.

We strongly disagree. Mr. Obama's achievements speak for themselves. The committee presented the Peace Prize to Mr. Obama not only because he ended the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and convinced Osama bin Laden to open fast food restaurants (featuring trademark Tali-Shakes and al-Sadr Sandwiches at 5000 US locations), but also because he perfected a cold fusion procedure that solved the world's energy crisis overnight. Mr. Obama is not just a concerned politician; he is a first-rate scientist, ethicist and humanitarian. The Nobel Committee considered all his strengths before it awarded him the prize. It was neither hasty nor careless.

Mr. Obama deserved this prize. Since January 20, 2009, Mr. Obama has achieved monumental advances in many fields. He walked on water on March 14, prompting ecstatic international celebrations. He healed incurable cancer victims on June 2 by touching their heads and earnestly repeating: "Together, we can." And on July 7, he traveled to Zaire, where he both stopped the war between rival militias and magically caused 600000 tons of food to appear. This immediately ended the famine plaguing Central Africa. Mr. Obama's compassionate efforts to help the sick and the hungry clearly warrant his consideration for the Prize.

Mr. Obama is not just a great President. He is a miracle worker. His miracles offer change we can believe in. Bullets fired in his direction veer off target. He can survive plane crashes and raging infernos. He can fall 1000 feet and survive. Not even earthquakes can stop him from bringing hope and relief to every corner of the globe, including Armenia and Turkey. True to his campaign promises, he has stopped all hatred and racism worldwide. Former enemies are now lovers, whether gay or straight. He has saved people from volcanic eruptions, discovered an AIDS vaccine and punished ruthless criminals who mistreat livestock. In a word, Mr. Obama respects all life, not just human life. That commitment to life won the Committee's praise.

In addition to all these achievements, Mr. Obama has brought love and happiness to everyone on earth. Since taking office, violent crime has ceased worldwide. No one has committed suicide because everyone feels that life is worth living again. Sales for prescription antidepressants have completely stopped. Put simply, now that Mr. Obama is the American President, everyone on earth is happy. Before he took office, Mr. Obama said the world could be a better place, and so it is. Thank you, Mr. President.

Obama has done all this in nine months. Imagine what he will do in four years. Never has a Nobel Peace Prize been more deserved. We salute the Nobel Committee for recognizing Barrack Hussein Obama, the Savior of the World.

FREEDOM IN IRAQ BEGINS WITH FOOD

By : Mr. L. Paul Bremer, III, B.A., Yale, M.B.A., Harvard Business School; Risk Management Consultant, Marsh & McLennan Co., Inc. (2008-present); Chairman of the Iraq Reconstruction Project under the Coalition Provisional Authority (2003-2004); Terrorism Expert at the Department of Homeland Security (2002); U.S. Ambassador to Norway (1986) and The Netherlands (1983) under President Ronald R. Reagan; Speaks fluent French, Dutch and Norwegian, with a special emphasis on Norwegian/Dutch terrorism dialects spoken in Trondheim, Norway and Rotterdam, Holland; Real Estate Owner; Connoisseur of French Cuisine (excluding Algerian varieties); Republican.

We have a responsibility to bring freedom to Iraq. As Chairman of the Iraq Reconstruction Project during 2003 and 2004, I led key initiatives intended to eradicate Saddam Hussein’s legacy. Consistent with the President’s instructions, I had full authority to institute measures designed to introduce Iraqis to the joys of democracy. Due to increased security regulations during those years, I was unable to report the very great strides I made in Iraq. Now, however, I have received clearance to discuss my achievements. In my view, Americans will be proud to know that we are winning the war on terror. Iraqis are freer now than they ever were under Saddam Hussein’s tyranny. Thanks to my efforts, Iraqis have become less prone to terrorism. And thanks to my efforts, Iraqis have begun embracing American ways.

When I landed in Iraq six years ago, I recognized that Iraqis had to change their diet. I quickly observed that insurgents, Ba’ath Party officials, Republican Guard soldiers, al-Qaeda agents and rocket-toting children all shared one thing in common: They ate Iraqi food. They gorged themselves on pita bread, Iraqi-raised grain balls, falafel, Iraqi-grown wheat shoots and Iraqi myrtle berry cola. I knew from my diplomatic work in Norway that terrorism thrives on Arab-raised food; when Arabic-speaking people eat Arab-raised food, something happens to their DNA. After ten years eating falafel and pita, every Iraqi develops a dangerous propensity to build roadside bombs and chant violent anti-American slogans. I hired a consulting group to confirm what I already knew: Every time an improvised explosive device blew up in Baghdad, falafel crusts and myrtle berry soda bottles were not far from the blast site. Every time our troops shot an insurgent, they found terrorist-raised wheat seeds on his jacket, hands and beard. This evidence told me what I had to do: I had to change Iraqis’ diets.

I knew that freedom could never take hold in Iraq as long as Iraqis continued eating terrorist-raised crops and terrorist-bottled soda. I recognized that the road to freedom began with food. Only democratically-produced American foods could instill respect for democracy and freedom in the Iraqis. No matter how many troops we deployed and how many roadblocks we built in Baghdad, I knew our efforts were bound to fail unless we required Iraqis to eat foods that would set them free.

To combat terrorist diets, I did two things. First, I outlawed Iraqi farmers from harvesting their crops or saving the previous year’s crop. Iraqi-raised crops are terrorist crops. They contain nutrients that foster terrorism, anti-Americanism, violence and al-Qaeda sympathy. Iraqi crops turn Iraqi children into murderers and Iraqi women into suicide bombers. Under Provisional Order 81, I ordered troops to burn all Iraqi-raised crops and destroy all granaries. I made drinking myrtle berry soda crime punishable by imprisonment in Abu Ghraib prison. Similarly, I outlawed all domestic falafel and pita consumption.

At the same time, I understood that these measures would inspire some resentment in the native population. Thus, I provided several key exceptions. Notably, I allowed Iraqis to eat falafel and pita bread provided they contained only American ingredients. After all, American ingredients do not transform children into terrorist bombers or hijackers. To the contrary, American ingredients instill American values, including a desire to start businesses, purchase private health insurance, file tax returns, join sports clubs and buy cable television packages. Additionally, I permitted Iraqis to drink any soda not manufactured by Arabs. In this way, I ensured that they would not drink myrtle berry soda. But I preempted popular resentment by allowing them to drink Coca-Cola®, Pepsi®, Dr. Pepper®, RC Cola® and Mountain Dew® (in addition to all Diet and low-calorie variants for the same brands) on the express condition that they were bottled in the United States. According to my consulting group, Iraqis would not be angry as long as they had access to some sugar-based carbonated beverage. In this sense, my Provisional Order struck a satisfying compromise, all the while reducing terrorism and instilling freedom.

But eliminating terrorist diets represented only one step toward ultimate freedom in Iraq. In order to fully bring liberty to the country, I had to make Iraqis start to think like Americans. Americans don’t want to kill other Americans. Therefore, I had to transform Iraqis into Americans, at least in spirit. Once again, food offered the answer. After destroying terrorist-raised Iraqi crops, I instituted a massive food delivery program from American farms. Specifically, I secured a $14 billion contract with Monsanto Corp. to provide genetically-altered American seeds to Iraqi farmers. These seeds would grow into American crops filled with nutritious American values. By transforming the Iraqi diet, Iraqis would slowly forget RPGs and IEDs and start believing in Domino’s Pizza®, Cadillac Escalades® and investment retirement accounts. In this way, I literally “sowed the seeds” for a democratic Iraq.

Democracy can only take root in a country that thinks the way we do. Iraq represented a difficult task for me because Iraqis are very different from Americans. For one thing, they speak Arabic. Arabic does not sound anything like English, or even Spanish. In fact, it does not even use the same alphabet. Basically, it looks like a bunch of dots and wavy lines. It is difficult to advertise American products to people who speak Arabic. Moreover, Iraqis dress differently and believe in a different God than most Americans. They also worship Osama bin Laden and pray five times a day. These are all sentiments that foster terrorism and hostility to traditional employment. I knew it would be difficult to overcome these differences. I knew it would be difficult to make Iraqis free. After all, Iraqis would not be Americans until they truly wished to work 50 hours at an insurance company or bank, then take their children to soccer practice on Saturdays. Iraqis would not be Americans until they bought their own health insurance and took out at least $90,000 to get an education. I understood my challenge. But I knew that American food would start Iraqis on the road to freedom—and being American.

Time proved me right. Over time, Monsanto’s seeds took root in the Iraqi soil, yielding American crops. American crops made their way into Iraqi stomachs, slowly changing their minds from terrorism to free market enterprise. By 2006, most Iraqi children said that they no longer wanted to be like Osama bin Laden, but rather John Mayer, “because he gets all the hoes.” Similarly, most Iraqi adults said that they would rather see a movie featuring Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt than attend a Friday mosque rally denouncing George W. Bush as Satan. Attacks on American troops fell. Pizza Hut® and Burger King® franchises sprouted up. Strip malls, nail salons and Starbucks® Coffee houses replaced bombed-out insurgent strongholds. Iraqis began opening branch banks to provide mortgages and business loans to hopeful young entrepreneurs. Iraqis even slowly began abandoning Arabic for English. Thanks to their new diet, Iraqis were turning into Americans.

Although my work in Iraq had ended by 2006, I took quiet comfort in a job well done. I salute the Iraqis for their commitment to freedom. It takes intelligence to recognize that being American is better than being Iraqi. Yet Iraqis did not just become Americans to own larger cars and open banks. No, they understood that being American is much safer than being Iraqi, especially in a country under American military administration. By changing their ways from terrorism to Americanism, Iraqis saved their children from certain death in airstrikes, helicopter missile attacks and firefights. They also saved themselves from being randomly shot by American contractors. Diet did all this. After Iraqis began ingesting American crops, they no longer wanted to take up arms against the “hateful invaders.” Rather, they saw the Americans for what they were: Liberators bearing the torch of secular free enterprise and private profit for all—even for former terrorists and Arabic speakers. They not only wanted to abandon their old ways; they also wanted to be successful Americans with substantial incomes, homes, credit cards and garages.

Terrorism is a losing proposition. No suicide bomb or hijacking can stop the United States. We have too much to offer. We are too seductive. It makes no sense to wage futile war on the country that produces iPods®, Blu-Ray Disc® players and PlayStation 3®. Your children want to be like our children, no matter what terrorist dishes you feed them. Once they start eating American food, they will never take up arms against America again. Everyone wants our freedom. They just need to eat right first.

I performed a miracle in Iraq. But I achieved my goal because everyone on earth really wants to be an American. Those who say otherwise are just confused. They simply must change their diet to see the light. Once American food arrives in your country, it is just a matter of time before you start hungering for freedom. And super special sale deals at well-maintained shopping centers.

TRAGIC NEWS FROM IRAQ

NEWS FLASH

BAGHDAD--Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer regrets to report that an American soldier has died in Iraq. At 5:30 AM EST, the Pentagon confirmed that Private First Class John C. Earl of the Army’s First Division (The Big Red One) succumbed in a hospital after suffering injuries in a vicious firefight with Sunni insurgents near Baghdad. Pfc. Earl was 23 years old. We express our deepest sympathies to Pfc. Earl’s family and loved ones. When American heroes fall, we all feel pain.

Pfc. Earl was a model soldier and citizen. He hailed from Mansfield, Ohio, where he worked at a local car insurance company as an assistant claims representative prior to joining the Army in February 2008. Earl explained to his parents that he joined the army “because al-Qaeda [was] a real threat to all Ohioans.” According to friends, Earl also said that “Osama bin Laden knew Saddam Hussein” and that “Saddam [had] to be stopped,” even though Saddam had been hanged in January 2007. Risking all for his beliefs and his country, Earl left behind a promising insurance career and young wife to protect Ohio from international terror in Iraq.

Pfc. Earl conducted himself with great dignity and responsibility during civilian life. As a teenager, he financed his own high school education by taking out private loans (at 9% APR) from a local Ohio bank. He took out loans from another bank (at 7.6% APR) in order to purchase a 2005 Chevrolet automobile. Despite his early age, Earl worked hard to fulfill his financial obligations to his creditors. He studied full-time and held down three jobs at the same time, including a job at the local ice cream parlor. He never failed to make timely payments on his loans. Upon graduation from high school in 2004, Earl married his sweetheart, Joanna C. Edwards. Earl took out another loan (at 6.9% APR) to purchase a home for his new family. He never missed a mortgage payment, even when he needed to work seven days a week to satisfy his debt responsibilities.

Earl was just as responsible a husband as he was a debtor. He never cheated on his wife. In fact, he accompanied her to the Third Mansfield Methodist Church every Sunday at 10 AM. For Earl, fidelity was a virtue. He honored both the wife to whom he owed faithfulness and the banks to whom he owed money. Most importantly, Earl never even entertained bad thoughts. He took the Bible’s teachings to heart. According to acquaintances, Earl always said: “A sin in the mind is just as bad as a sin in deed.” Despite pressures, temptations and difficulties, Earl never shirked his responsibilities. He understood his place in society. And he worked hard to fulfill his obligations every single day.

Earl believed that military service was the best way to give back for his rewarding life in America. Earl was proud of his job at the Mansfield Property & Casualty Insurance Company, where he earned $23,300 per year with limited co-pay medical insurance (with in-network providers and subject to the company’s right of refusal). He was proud of his wife, mortgage, car and church. Earl was happy in his civilian life. But he understood that al-Qaeda could take it all away unless he stood up to protect it. He volunteered for active duty in Iraq, determined to stop the terrorists bent on taking away his job, church, wife and obligations. Over his wife’s desperate pleas to stay home to raise their child, Earl went off to war.

Not surprisingly, Earl lived military life with the same spirit of duty and responsibility that blessed him in civilian life. He manned a 50-caliber machine gun atop an armored vehicle assigned to protect a fortified compound in Iraq that housed important American energy industry contractors. Within weeks, Earl had his first taste of battle. In a violent engagement known as Operation Purple Anaconda, Earl’s unit preemptively attacked an insurgent base in Baghdad, inflicting 5,612 enemy casualties without losing a single American soldier. Earl personally killed 672 insurgents, none of whom went to church, paid rent, filed income tax returns, owned automobiles, owed interest on back loans or held down responsible jobs. In fact, each insurgent Earl killed had sworn a vow to murder American children, disrupt American commerce, refuse to pay bills and kill American pets. Worse, every insurgent Earl killed had cheated on his wife, inhabited several addresses over the past six years and failed to return phone calls from prospective employers. In Earl’s words: “They weren’t just terrorists. They were irresponsible, too.” In that first battle, Earl served his country well.

Following his baptism by fire, Earl quickly became a veteran. In battle after battle, he showed outstanding valor by gunning down both actual and suspected terrorists, including veiled men masquerading as women. In each case, he showed great responsibility. Although he grieved when comrades died, he took solace in the knowledge that roughly 4,012 Iraqis died for every American who fell. And he took added consolation in the fact that every single Iraqi he killed was an irresponsible terrorist who threatened American jobs and investment ventures. If he could not save his buddies, at least he could kill thousands more insurgents to protect America.

Earl saw his final battle on July 10. While protecting a convoy of American natural gas excavators on a foray to locate fossil fuel deposits south of Baghdad, an enormous insurgent force—including terrorist raiders on camelback—swooped in from the desert hills. Earl laid down a curtain of fire with his 50-caliber machine gun, mowing down 982 insurgents and camels. His comrades called for air support. A-10 ground attack planes raked the terrorists with 30-millimeter cannon fire and deluged them with napalm. A-64 Apache attack helicopters hammered them with missiles. Over ten thousand extremists perished under the withering American fire, but they just kept coming. Like obsessed banshees from Muslim Hell, they charged Earl’s brave defenders, shouting: “Allah, ackbar!”

At some point, Earl ran out of ammunition. According to eyewitnesses, a cowardly insurgent fired a rocket-propelled grenade into the side of Earl’s armored vehicle, catapulting him from his position. He suffered injuries in the fall but kept fighting. He drew his sidearm and shot four camels, then killed their riders with his standard-issue knife. But there were too many insurgents. Taking meticulous aim, Earl fired his last shot into an insurgent’s head. Like all the others, Earl’s final victim—an Iraqi terrorist insurgent bomber named Ibrahim al-Khalifi, age 19—was a perennial marital cheater, credit dodger and deadbeat tenant who never paid rent or went to church. With his last bullet gone, Earl valiantly tried to fight his oppressors with his bare hands. Although he strangled six irresponsible terrorists, a cowardly insurgent blew himself up with a grenade less than 5 feet from Earl, sending lethal shrapnel into his chest. He collapsed to the ground. Minutes later, M1A1 tanks from the 1st Armored Division arrived, killed the remaining 75,000 insurgents and saved the natural gas excavators from certain death. Medics carried Earl from the field and transported him to a military hospital in Baghdad.

Earl put up a brave fight for survival. He endured for ten days before finally slipping into a coma. Immediately before his death, Earl told his commanding officer: “At least I took a few thousand of those deadbeat terrorist bastards with me. They might have taken my life, but they’ll never lay a hand on my wife or steal my job. And I made all my payments, too. I never missed one. I don’t regret anything. I made all the right decisions. I never cheated. I never asked anyone for help. Please make sure someone sends in the checks for July to GMAC and the bank. They’re in my knapsack. I even put stamps on the envelopes. I am proud to have given my life for a country where I could take out loans for my necessities.” In short, in his last moments on earth, Earl was thinking responsibly.

Back in Mansfield, George G. Custice, Earl’s former employer, reacted to news of his employee’s death with great emotion. Starting next week, however, he plans to honor Earl as an American hero by offering special “Hero’s Insurance Rates” for Mansfield residents. Those rates offer a 15% discount on collision policies purchased before August 31, 2009 (subject to special limitations; see store for details). “It’s the least we can do to salute a great American,” Custice said.

Earl’s wife said: “I’m sad. But I’m glad my husband protected Ohio against Saddam Hussein.”

PROTECTING AMERICA : ONE TOOTH AT A TIME

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES

PROFESSIONAL REGULATIONS DIVISION

DENTISTRY DEPARTMENT

May 1, 2009

RE: Dr. Agostinho Calabras (Portugal), File No. 08-09126G; Applicant for Clearance to Practice Dentistry in the United States.

Dear Dr. Calabras,

You recently petitioned this Department for clearance to practice dentistry in the United States. To support your petition, you enclosed your university performance records, your Portuguese professional licensure documents and several articles you published in Portugal’s leading dentistry journal (Jornal nacional da odontologia em Lisboa). You further certified that the Portuguese government named you as one of the ten best dental scientists in the country. According to the records you provided, you have practiced dentistry for over 20 years with a special focus in pain management, beautification and general oral health. You also noted that you established a charity clinic in Russia to assist low-income children address their dental needs.

Although we applaud your accomplishments, we must refer you to Homeland Security Code § 245(b), specifically: “[A]ll ‘foreign dentists’ must register for and complete at least three (3) years of qualified dental instruction at a certified American institute for dental science (West 2002).” Foreign dentists must receive American dental education in order to obtain professional licensure in the United States. Your materials disclose that you were aware of this rule. Yet you ask this Department to grant an exception in light of your “distinguished record of flawless dental service in Portugal.” You also submitted an essay in which you attempt to justify your qualifications to provide dental care in the United States. We hereby deny your request for an exception.

By law, this Department has no authority to grant exceptions to Homeland Security Code § 245(b). Even if we did have such authority, we are not inclined to craft exceptions to this rule because Congress explicitly intended to protect Americans by enacting this statute. Specifically, Congress noted that: “Foreign dentists pose a realistic danger to all Americans. Dental terror is a genuine threat; only American-born and American-trained dentists can fully be trusted to care for American teeth. Al-Qaeda operatives may disguise themselves as foreign dentists and cause untold damage to American dental enamel and tooth roots. Terrorists may use laughing gas, Novocain, bleaching agents, x-ray machines and dental instruments to disrupt American business enterprise and frighten children. Only strong oversight and strict professional regulations can protect American mouths against invasion by belligerent foreign dental operatives.” Preamble to Homeland Security Act §§ 201-250; Subchapter H : Anti-Dental Terror Act (ADTA). Given Congress’ extremely clear mandate on this subject, we refuse to make any exceptions for foreign dentists. All foreign dentists—whether they hail from Canada or Burkina-Faso—must obtain a full American dental education prior to treating American teeth. This is the only way to ensure that a foreign dentist will not maliciously or negligently destroy the means by which Americans eat, chew, smile and bite. Congress understood that Americans’ teeth are vital. Congress also understood that Al-Qaeda knows that, too. For that reason, they enacted these regulations without provision for exceptions. If Al-Qaeda waged a calculated campaign of dental terror against the United States, the result could be devastating. For that reason, all foreign dentists must first learn how to treat American teeth according to American standards prior to plying their trade on our soil.

You write that there is no functional difference between American teeth and Portuguese teeth. Specifically, you point out that all human teeth share identical biological characteristics. You argue that because all human beings have biologically identical teeth, dental science may adequately treat anyone, no matter their ethnicity, nationality, race or religion. You say that our regulations draw an irrational distinction between American teeth and all other teeth. In conclusion, you argue that we should make an exception to the Homeland Security Act in your case because you already possess the education, training, skill and experience necessary to effectively treat “human teeth,” whether American or Portuguese.

We profoundly disagree with your position. There is a fundamental difference between American teeth and all other teeth. Congress has a right to draw a distinction in this regard. Specifically, American teeth face unique dietary dangers. Unlike the Portuguese, who eat hayseed, mulch and strange fish, Americans eat processed cheeseburgers, curly fries, cotton candy, microwave insta-Lasagna, canned meatball soup, Wonder® bread and liverwurst-flavored muffins on a regular basis. These foods present unique dental hazards that do not exist in Portugal. Americans do not pick through scant meals like mice. They engulf large amounts of food and drink, including chili dogs, hush puppies, double Big Mac® burgers, fried mayonnaise cookies, Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches with extra tartar sauce, whole Dominos® pizza pies, sugar-coated corn puffs, grape soda, super-sweetened iced tea, Royal Crown Cola®, Lucky Charms® marshmallow breakfast cereal, and pork sausage melts. At times, they consume these foods and drinks without chewing or breathing. In a word, Americans consume foods in different quantities and qualities than the Portuguese. They eat and drink in a different manner than the Portuguese. These differences necessitate education in American dental health prior to practicing dentistry in the United States.

American breath smells considerably different than Portuguese breath. Your training in Portugal will not prepare you for the smells you will encounter in American mouths. For instance, in order to repel terrorists, Congress recently authorized Americans to eat both onions and tuna salad during the same meal. Before 9/11, it was forbidden to simultaneously eat tuna and onions because these two foods lead to noxious odors when combined in an American mouth. But Congress rightly believed that a terrorist would retreat if faced by several Americans breathing rancid tuna and onion vapors toward him. Bad breath can be a potent deterrent. In Portugal, however, you do not face the same issues. Your citizens do not constantly worry about terrorism, nor do they deliberately poison their breath with tuna, raw eggs and onions in order to ward off would-be assassins. In that light, you are incorrect to conclude that your dental experience in Portugal will easily translate into dental expertise in the United States. Here, you will encounter completely different teeth because Americans eat completely different foods—in much larger amounts than the Portuguese. We face unique dental threats. Our breath is substantially different. With all respect, your Portuguese dental education has not prepared you for the tremendous challenges American teeth face every day at every meal. We must reject your essay’s reasoning on these points.

American teeth are different than foreign teeth for several other reasons. Unlike European and African teeth, American teeth are enterprising and ambitious. They make their own way in the world; they do not receive free government insurance. American teeth bite, chew, tear, rip and grind on their own; they do not need anyone else’s help. In the centuries since our country was born, American teeth have helped great Americans consume food, propelling them to success. American teeth have helped great Americans speak and communicate, since the English language requires a special interplay between throat, lips, palate and teeth. Without teeth, Americans would not be able to properly enunciate English words; and without proper enunciation, Americans would not communicate effectively. Americans pride themselves on excellent communicative skills. Business and commerce depend on communication. American teeth help make that communication possible. Only dentists who understand America know how to properly treat these American dental issues. If you wish to practice dentistry in our country, you must learn the values that keep American teeth strong and healthy. We are proud of our teeth because they are the best. You must learn why before you treat them.

In closing, we note that you strike a particularly defiant tone. You seem to think that your intelligence, training, education and dental skill entitle you to practice dentistry in the United States. You voice contempt for our regulations as “superfluous,” “unnecessary,” “irrational,” “bigoted” and “nationalistic.” Although we praise you for learning English, we do not approve your tone. In our country, professionals are not critical. They merely provide client service, bill their time and go home at night. They do not voice unwarranted opinions, nor do they criticize popular Congressional legislation. You may think that our regulations are “irrational,” but we have reasons for our laws. We do not trust defiant foreigners like you to care for our teeth. For all we know, you could be Osama bin Laden’s dentist. You might be coming to America incognito to train an elite cadre of terrorist dentists to sow dental panic amid the population. Do we not have a right to protect our borders from such attacks? Put simply, we believe our regulations are fair. They do not bar all foreigners from practicing dentistry in America; they merely require foreigners to receive American education prior to thrusting sharp instruments into American mouths. We will not make an exception for you, no matter how qualified you may be to treat Portuguese teeth. We invite you to receive instruction concerning acute Kool-Aid® stains, corndog molar spurs and Whopper®-related extractions at an American Dental Academy. We also welcome you to receive instruction concerning Dental Practice Billing Management and profit fund distribution plans. But until you receive the required instruction, we cannot grant you professional licensure to practice dentistry in the United States of America.


Very sincerely yours,


Mr. Bartholomew D. Kaye

Associate Licensure Executive

DEMOCRATS CANNOT HANDLE HOMELAND SECURITY : ONLY REPUBLICANS KNOW HOW TO KEEP AMERICA SAFE

By : Mr. Mitch McConnell, United States Senator (R-KY); Senate Minority Leader; Obama Opponent; Homeland Security Expert; Member, Agriculture Committee.

THE MINORITY VOICE

President Barack Hussein Obama has led this country for 100 torturous days. During that time, the President has made war on the American people by releasing brutal terrorists from our military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. He has also eased restrictions on immigration, flooding our land with Spanish-speaking beggars, criminals and litterbugs. Backed by a majority in Congress, Mr. Obama has dismantled the wall his predecessor erected to defend this country from terror and miscreants, both foreign and domestic. Worse, he has put an emphasis on “fair process for all” and a “commitment to constitutional liberty” over security for American women and children. He has staffed the Homeland Security Department with liberal lawyers and law professors, some of whom are practicing Arab-loving homosexuals. He has committed to quitting the fight against al-Qaeda in Iraq. In short, Obama is a national disgrace; Democrats do not know anything about Homeland Security. As Republicans, we have a duty to protect America. And to protect America during the Obama era, we must strongly oppose anything he does, says or thinks. It is the only way to protect America’s children from terror attacks.

Our Founding Fathers knew that an elected democratic majority could be just as tyrannical as an unelected King. In the Federalist Papers, James Madison and Alexander Hamilton wrote at length about the dangers inherent in “small majorities.” They knew that a “small majority” could trample on very significant minority interests. For that reason, they provided such measures as the veto override mechanism, the constitutional amendment procedure and the bicameral legislature. They also embodied their commitment to minority rights through parliamentary procedures such as the filibuster, which allows the minority to stop small majorities from voting on key issues. Today, Republicans have a duty to invoke these procedures against Obama and his socialist-terrorist allies. When it comes to national security, Democrats prefer to shake hands with terrorist scum rather than detain, waterboard and kill them. When Republicans see turbans, we shoot; we don’t ask questions. This is the approach we need to defend America. It makes no sense to talk to Arabs; there is no such thing as “friendly relations” with terrorists. George W. Bush understood that.

In 2001, George W. Bush established the Homeland Security Department in order to protect this Nation from all enemies. In the beginning, Mr. Tom Ridge led the bureau. Both Mr. Bush and Mr. Ridge knew that old-fashioned ideas like due process, liberty, privacy, access to counsel, the right to remain silent and fair trials would not defeat terror in the 21st Century. For that reason, the Department suspended civil liberties in order to catch the bad guys. That was the right decision; after 9/11 America enjoyed seven years without terror. We caught many, many bad guys, although national security protocols forbid me from disclosing their names or how many we caught. We foiled many plots, although I cannot say what they were or how many. Despite all the criticism, Mr. Bush proved that his approach to Homeland Security was the right one.

Now the Democrats control the Homeland Security Department. This is the ultimate irony. During Mr. Bush’s term, the Democrats opposed everything the Department did. They said it trampled on civil liberties and increased Executive power. They said it harassed law-abiding citizens and perpetuated ethnic stereotypes. They said the Department did nothing to protect America; rather, they said it simply increased the President’s power to detain citizens without grounding in law. Of course, these Democrats fail to see that the Department did stop terror. The Department did protect America. The Department seized millions of gallons of contraband shampoo at airport security lines. It made tens of millions of Americans and foreigners remove their shoes and flip-flops. It inconvenienced millions of travelers who had no connection whatsoever to al Qaeda. It forced millions of Americans to take off their clothing and submit to searches without probable cause. It even listened in on millions of innocent phone conversations without court authorization, in many cases uncovering other, minor crimes in the process. Those measures doubtlessly foiled a would-be bomber. In any event, they allowed authorities to track down marijuana sellers and petty thieves. Most importantly, they sent a clear message: America takes security seriously. If America is willing to strip-search normal-looking white citizens for no reason, then certainly an Arab would know that he could not move about freely without attracting attention. Homeland Security reduced America’s privacy; and that was a good thing. If it came between safety and privacy, we would take safety every time. The 9/11 plotters conspired in private. Can I be any clearer on my point that privacy is dangerous? Thanks to the Department’s disrespect for both privacy and the Constitution, we lived in a safe society.

Not anymore. Democrats in the Homeland Security Department have already begun easing restrictions established under President Bush. Rather than viewing every American as a potential terrorist, Democrats assume that all Americans are good and peaceful. They no longer eavesdrop on random phone conversations. They allow Americans to travel with hair gel, personal lubricants, shoe polish, water bottles, shampoo and conditioner. They even smile and say: “Welcome to O’Hare International Airport!” to brown people wearing Muslim headdress, veils and Mohammedan robes. Rather than suspecting Arabs, they apologize for them and send them on their way without a boarding pass. They treat everyone with “decency and respect for constitutional liberty.” They say they want to “restore faith in the Constitution” after President Bush’s “abuses.”

This is no way to run a government. A President has one overriding duty: To protect the American people at all costs. President Obama and his Homeland Security Department mock that duty. Now, they view Americans with compassion and respect, not suspicion and rancor. They follow constitutional procedures and the Bill of Rights; they no longer hold terror suspects without cause or counsel. These idiots! We do not protect America by giving everyone liberty. We protect America by imprisoning the bad guys. Although we Republicans believe in the Constitution, we regard it the way it should be regarded: As optional advice. It would be really nice if we could give everyone habeas corpus and obtain warrants before searching them. But we would leave this country open to attack if we did. If we followed the Constitution—as President Obama suggests—our entire government would break down. Worse, terrorists, hoodlums and immigrants would overwhelm our borders, disturbing business and commerce. If torture, indefinite detainment, unlawful searches and eavesdropping protect this country from Muslims, we say: “Give us torture, indefinite detainment, unlawful searches and eavesdropping.” Good citizens have nothing to hide. In the 21st Century, we face many dangers. We believe that liberty is for criminals and terrorists. In that light, we believe that Mr. Obama and his soft-hearted Homeland Security Department are leading us down the path to ruin.

Democrats could not protect their own mothers, let alone the United States of America. They are a bunch of weak-willed, overintellectual cowards who would rather give an insane beggar welfare than tell him to get a job, get moving and get over it. They cannot even protect America from flu-infected pigs in Ohio and New York, let alone from terrorists in Pakistan. Some lesbian in the Homeland Security Department said yesterday: “We must accord proper respect for the dignity of the livestock before rushing to judgment about their health status.” This is Democratic rule for you: They would rather respect a hog’s rights than protect America from disease. Well, we are glad to provide the minority voice about security. When Republicans see a diseased hog, they do not worry about its “health status” or “dignity.” They kill it and bury it faster than you can say: “Don Rumsfeld.” The same goes for terrorists. When we see a terrorist, we do not worry about constitutional liberty or “proper interrogation procedures.” We lock the towelhead up, waterboard him and throw away the key. If some lesbian ACLU lawyer makes a fuss about it, we might let an Army Colonel look into his case. But if not, it’s Game Over for Habib. Democrats say we disparage the principles that define America. We say those principles don’t apply to terrorists. That’s the difference.

We are committed to preserving democracy in America. For that reason, we will resist every Democratic effort to weaken procedures intended to sniff out terrorists, criminals and immigrants. George W. Bush knew that following the Constitution would not protect this Nation in the 21st Century. When Republicans controlled Congress, they certified the President’s belief by eradicating basic liberties in order to bolster security. Now, the Democrats are determined to reverse our work. We will resist to the last man. We would rather die than see every American treated with respect and dignity. We would rather die than follow the Constitution in every case. We will not “cooperate” or “compromise” when it comes to protecting our children from Muslims and liberal university professors. We will not “go along with the program” to increase free speech rights or abolish domestic warrantless wiretaps. No, we are determined to hold the line against liberty, because liberty is dangerous.

In a word, President Obama is playing with fire. He thinks he is defending liberty and principle. He thinks he is restoring America’s honor because he says that President Bush tarnished our image abroad. In fact, he is opening the door to terror attacks, anarchy, discord and moral rot. And who gives a flying fuck what Europe thinks of us? As long as the good people of Kentucky support me, I am happy. I don’t give a shit what the Parisians or Belgians think. Yet Mr. Obama would rather placate some communist in Holland than protect the American people from ruthless Arab suicide bombers. He would rather give the Iraqis wedding cake and free champagne than kill them once and for all. Screw free elections; let’s just kill all of them and be done with it. Who really cares whether some Iraqi goatherder votes for another Iraqi goatherder to represent him in a sham parliament? I certainly don’t. This is the Republican way, and these are the values we intend to serve in Congress as long as the Democratic dictatorship continues: Security over liberty; peace over the Constitution; commerce over dignity; privilege over rights; suspicion and rancor over reconciliation and cooperation. We will not work with the Democrats. To the contrary, we will seek to scuttle every single legislative initiative they put forward.

We look forward to resisting the Democrats. Although we would much rather hold a majority in Congress, it is quite fun to simply sit back and whine about everything the Democrats do. After all, we are not really obligated to do anything. We do not have the votes to pass what we want, so why not have some fun and just frustrate everything the Democrats try to pull? In the process, we can stand up and rail about security and our values. We are the minority voice. We will be heard. And we will never trust a Muslim, no matter how well-dressed, well-educated or well-meaning. He’s just another terrorist, and he can stick our Constitution where the sun shineth not. It wasn’t even written for him, anyway. Despite all this, we worry about this Nation with Democrats running the Homeland Security Department. Before you know it, they will be inviting Osama bin Laden and his children to Chuck E. Cheese® for pizza, beer and a kumbaya singing session with Nancy Pelosi.

This is Homeland Security in the Age of Obama. We want no part of it. Nonetheless, we still have a Second Amendment. If the Homeland Security Department cannot protect our children, then we will do it ourselves with our own rifles, pistols and shotguns. In America, we know how to defend hearth and home. And we will.