STOP WHINING ; START WORKING

GET A JOB, WILL YOU?

By : Mr. Curtis J. Walters, B.A., Senior Recruiting Officer, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold, P.C., a Fortune 400 Accounting Firm Specializing in Corporate Finance.

Since September, it has been increasingly difficult for Americans to find employment. Despite their zeal to work, unskilled laborers, recent college grads and even highly educated professionals struggle to find jobs. Cascading losses in the stock market erased decades of gains, vaporizing corporate capital, endangering pension plans and forcing companies to tighten their financial belts. In short, there is not as much money to go around as there was a year ago. And when there is not enough money in corporate budgets, employees get cut. In most cases, employee cuts have nothing to do with employee quality; companies just do not have enough money to both keep paying people wages and maintain suitable shareholder returns. When it comes between employee wages and shareholder returns, there is only one conceivable winner: Shareholder returns. In our economy, shareholders are more important than wage-earners. Shareholders have capital to invest. Capital is necessary to create employment in the first place. Thus, shareholders deserve greater consideration than the employees their money creates.

But there is hope for job-seekers all over the country. Today, I am pleased to announce some good news for employees. For the first time since September, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold is hiring. We are proud to offer employment opportunities at a time when many companies cannot fathom the thought of additional expenditures. We support American workers because American workers are the best at what they do. We also understand that American workers like working. Working gives them a sense of purpose and direction in life. At Lynch Scrupple, we salute American workers for their ethic and dedication. We are pleased to offer them an opportunity to provide vigorous service for a major company. We recognize that unemployment is bad. That is why we are doing our part to help solve the problem.

Lynch Scrupple can hire because we are innovators. Other companies do not hire because they cannot escape traditional thinking about employment. They think they do not have enough capital to invest in new employees. They think they need money to hire. Put simply, they assume that you need to pay employees. But at Lynch Scrupple, we think boldly. We believe that we can hire and expand our business without losing capital because we are flexible enough to buck tradition. We are innovators. We do not imprison ourselves in the past. When it comes to employment, we are progressive.

So what exactly do we do? We no longer pay our new hires. Rather, we offer them the opportunity to render dedicated service for a Fortune 400 corporation. We offer real-world work experience without wages, benefits or opportunities for promotion. Instead, we translate our workers’ efforts into real returns for our shareholders without a corresponding outlay in wages. We offer jobs to anyone who wants to work. But we make it clear from the outset that we will not pay people for their work. We acknowledge that Americans want to work. We give them that opportunity. We simply do not pay them for their labor. Since initiating our “pay-free” employment program, we have received a veritable flood of applications. In this market, beggars can’t be choosers. It is not 1999; it is 2009. Quite simply, employees today understand that it is unreasonable to expect wages, pay, salary and compensation from their employers. Employers have pressing problems of their own; employees understand that employers cannot afford luxuries such as wages anymore.

We find it admirable that modern job seekers recognize corporate problems. Unlike selfish workers in years past, modern employees put their employers’ needs before their own. They do not make obscene demands for pay, benefits, safe working conditions or equal promotion opportunities. Rather, modern employees take simple joy in service. They just want a job, whether it pays or not. They simply want a place to show up every morning and to render service until the late afternoon. Pay is a 20th Century concept, and 21st Century employees do not expect it. They know that jobs are scarce. They are willing to make compromises. Further, they understand that they would have no job at all if they demanded wages. After all, companies today could not survive if they had to pay their new employees. If companies wasted their money on employees, that money would not make its way to the shareholders. And if the shareholders do not make enough money, they will bail out on their investments, destroying the company. In this sense, employees understand that they must forgo pay in order to sustain the economy. We praise modern employees for their selflessness and dedication to service.

Dutiful modern employees do not expect pay or benefits. But there remain workers who cannot adjust their thinking to 21st Century commercial realities. These workers demand pay, health insurance, safe working conditions, air conditioning in the summer, heat in the winter and even flex pay for transit to and from work. They demand overtime, holiday pay, family leave, maternity leave, lunch breaks, seats, vacations, income credits, discrimination-free opportunities and promotions. Put simply, these old-fashioned thinkers will never get a job in today’s market. They can demand all they want; they will stay unemployed. Millions of eager young employees are lining up to work without pay and benefits. Why would a company hire some incorrigible old bat who demands pay when it could just as easily hire a fanatical college graduate who is willing to work 80 hours a week without pay to do the same job? It is simple mathematics: The free employee generates income for the company without a corresponding outlay in wages. The salaried employee, by contrast, generates the same income for the company, but costs money to sustain. In today’s market, any expense is too much. That is why these old-fashioned employees will never get a job today. Modern employees take satisfaction in service; old-fashioned employees serve only themselves. In today’s market, there is no room for selfishness. Modern employees understand that.

We are proud to offer employment opportunities to Americans during these dark economic times. Additionally, we are proud to provide dignified, rewarding work to all those who want to serve. We have a place for everyone in our organization. Unlike other companies, we do not mistreat our employees. We do not beat or torture delinquent workers, nor do we forcibly muzzle employees for talking too much on the job. Unlike other companies, we do not force workers to jump out windows or walk on hot coals to please their supervisors. Rather, we simply provide desks, chairs, computers, telephones, fax machines, paper, file cabinets and electricity necessary to carry out company business. We do not pay our employees or provide benefits; but we do not physically torture them, either. While we might inflict mental torture from time to time, that is a bearable workplace burden. And compared to unemployment, mental torture at work is a light burden. Every American worker knows that mental torture while employed is superior to tranquility while unemployed. Employment represents a reward in itself. Every American would rather suffer mental torture at work than sit unemployed at home. Americans have a purpose. When they are unemployed, they are not fulfilling it.

We provide Americans the means to fulfill their purpose. At the same time, we reinvigorate the economy by spurring shareholder satisfaction and company growth. By rethinking the employment paradigm in America, we make everybody happy. We make the employee happy by offering a place to escape unemployment. We make the shareholders happy by generating profits without a corresponding increase in expenses. Finally, we make the country happy by revitalizing the economy through increased overall company profit, which in turn translates into higher tax revenue and capital investment.

We do all this merely by refusing to pay our employees. Contrary to all expectations, modern American workers did not recoil from Lynch Scrupple’s new business model. They did not run away when we announced that they would no longer receive pay for their work. Rather, they rallied to us. They redoubled their efforts. They took psychic satisfaction—and remuneration—in company service alone. They showed us that they were not working for us “just for the money;” they were working for us because they love service. In short, we have happy, productive employees even though they receive no money for their work. They are happy to be working. Anything beats unemployment, even demeaning employment without pay, benefits or opportunity for advancement. After all, unemployment is the ultimate indignity. When Americans are unemployed, they feel that they are failing in their life mission. Unpaid work is better than no work at all.

In these dark times, we are proud to provide a means for Americans to escape the specter of unemployment. Our workers reflect their gratitude for our confidence in them with boundless productivity. They are thankful that we saved them from unemployment. When everyone told them it was impossible to get a job in today’s market, we defied the odds. We gave them work. We might not pay them or give them air conditioning. We might even require women to come back to work the day after giving birth. But at least our employees can say: “I work for Lynch Scrupple.” That sure beats saying: “I am unemployed.” In America, any job is better than no job. That is what we believe. And we believe in America’s workers.

Are you out of work? Are you feeling desperate? Have people told you that you will never get a job? We won’t deny that times are tough. But if you believe in yourself, you can find employment. The search begins with you. Don’t think like a 20th Century man. Get real. It’s 2009; nobody gets paid anymore. If you are holding out for a job with pay, benefits, vacations and a future, stop deluding yourself. Be modern. Join us at Lynch Scrupple. We can use you. Submit an application today—and escape unemployment tomorrow. It’s time to look at employment in a whole new way—a modern way.