THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF COMPLETE IDIOTS

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Dr. D. Medford Kornblatt, Ph. D., Princeton University (Joint Degree in Oral Studies and Comparative Mining Technique); Founder, Brotherhood of American Nincompoops for Social Justice and Equal Intelligence (1982); Senior Technology Consultant, Cornelius J. Hyman Prophylactic Pharmaceutical Development Corporation (1978-1993); Consulting Director and Senior Test Writer, Higher Education Measurement Test Company (1990-present); Musician and Hobbyist (with an emphasis in Bagpipe Freestyle); Fitness Model, Scientific American Magazine (Cover Spot June 1988).

Idiots have always had a substantial presence in American life. We go by many names: Fools, dunderheads, imbeciles, nincompoops, morons, dolts, dimwits, asswipes…among many others unfit for print. But we all have one thing in common: We all have contributed great things to American civilization and government. We believe that idiots deserve recognition equal to their significance in American life. That is why we founded The National Association of Complete Idiots (NACI).

Idiots deserve recognition because we are everywhere. We run universities, Senate subcommittees, courts, national security institutes, police headquarters, major corporations and State houses all over the country. We administer tests, grade exams and educate children. We market wildly successful products and manage huge property portfolios. Yet for too long we have been unable to live openly. For the longest time, idiots like me have been forced to deny their identities. We have been forced to call ourselves something other than what we really are, like "Doctor," "Dean," "Chairman," "Boss," "Senator," "Representative," "Your Honor" or "General." Well, it is time to stop living in denial. From now on, we insist on living honestly. We want to be called what we really are: Morons with our heads up our asses. Even homosexuals can live openly now. Why can't idiots? This is America: It's time for equality.

Not everyone can be a total moron. Only blundering fools like us can rise through the ranks to assume the most influential positions in society. Bright young people who think independently don't succeed because they are not smart enough to be idiots. We, on the other hand, had the foresight to learn imbecility at an early age. We achieved success because we were stupid enough to follow the rules. Contrary to popular rhetoric, stupidity is a virtue. And our outstanding stupidity brought us untold rewards. After all, only complete idiots can rise to prominence in business. Anyone with a head on their shoulders would never want to be a corporate leader. That is why--in the end--only the idiots survive.

There is no reason why we should hide our colors any longer. As any psychiatrist can tell you, it is unhealthy to repress your identity. It is hard to live in the closet. For centuries, idiots, morons and total loser-putzes had to publicly deny their own stupidity. This caused unbelievable psychological damage. But those days are over. There are far more idiots in our society than most people think. There are people who belong to the National Association of Complete Idiots and do not even know it. We urge idiots all over the country to relax and be free. Do not be ashamed to live stupidly. Be who you are. And look where our stupidity got us: To the highest level in commerce, business, government, the military, academia and even the arts. It's OK to be an idiot. Don't play the smart man's game. Being smart never got anyone anywhere. Let go and be yourself. Be a total, recalcitrant, uncompromising, shockingly stupid ignoramus who doesn’t care to know a goddamn thing. You'll be amazed how far you'll travel.

Idiots drive this country forward. It's about time that people started to recognize that. Our country could not survive if everyone cared about the other guy's well-being or equal dignity. No, our country needs short-sighted, blithering imbeciles to blunder their way toward myopically selfish ends. We don't need independent thinkers or dreamers. We don't need selfless idealists or martyrs. We need idiotic drones who follow the instruction sheet, not their conscience. Only idiocy will rescue this country from feigned intelligence. Only stupidity will restore our focus. It's time to start acting like the morons we are, not the wise men we claim to be.

Mind-numbing stupidity is a virtue. We must learn to cultivate it from birth. Our children must learn to be dumb from as early an age as possible. We need to stop forcing our children to think about college when they are 5. We need to stop teaching them to read when they are 1. And we must not be afraid when our children still can't utter an intelligible sentence when they are 16. No, we must spot stupidity early and nurture it. When our children spit on their classmates or defecate on the kindergarten floor, we must praise them, not scold them. When they consistently misspell their names or incorrectly add 2 and 2 to make 5, we must single them out for special honors, not "special ed." Contrary to all the rhetoric, stupid children wind up achieving the greatest success in the United States. That is why we must vigilantly breed moronic habits in our children from the earliest age possible.

It is time to stop praising good spellers at spelling bees. Rather, we should give First Prize to the total idiot who can't even shape the letter "I" with a crayon at age 10. That's a future diplomat. It is time to stop giving gold stars to students who write thoughtful essays. Rather, we should give gold stars to the violent, ignorant fool who uses pencils to stab classmates, not write with them. That's a future commodities trader.

In sum, idiots outnumber everyone else in this country. Yet we teach our children that it is bad to be stupid. This is simply unfair. As the National Association of Complete Idiots, we demand a place in society consistent with our influence and population size. We also demand that current idiots live freely and proudly as the brain-dead nitwits they are. Idiots do not deserve to feel shame for their success. After all, idiots hold on to their jobs much better than smart people. Idiots receive promotions at a much higher rate than their so-called "smart contemporaries." And idiots master asinine procedures with far greater precision than more intelligent people. Asinine procedures are the key to success in America. Idiots follow procedures without asking questions, even if the procedures make no sense whatsoever. Why should we be ashamed of that? Our slavish dedication to totally dumb rules and regulations led us to unparalleled dominance in every field.

Idiots also know how to listen to other idiots. Smart people think they are better than idiots, so they tend to disrespect idiots who give them orders. But idiots don't care who gives them an order; they just do it and shut up. Success in our society requires obedience much more than intelligence; that is why smart people do not achieve as much success as idiots. While smart people complain about the idiot who commands them, fellow idiots just do what they're told. Who do you think will advance up the ladder? Idiots look out for their own.

In this light, idiots should no longer live in shame. We have already ruled this country for generations, yet only now have we found the courage to live openly. It is time for idiots to unite and take the place they deserve in American society. It is time to stop thinking that "idiot" and "stupid" are bad words. To the contrary, "idiot" and "stupid" should be honor badges, because stupid idiots are the ones who always make it to the top in the United States. Why should we renounce our own identities? No, it is time to be proud idiots. We shouldn't change into something we're not. No, it is time to be dumb, happy and successful.

Stop the pretense. It is time to break the myth of intelligence in America. It is time to recognize once and for all that idiots matter in this country. We are the most numerous and influential demographic majority by a wide margin. It's about time we started acting like it.

Join us. Start acting like the total idiot you are. It's OK. You will make it. For generations, idiots have achieved unbelievable success in this country simply by acting like themselves. You can do it, too. Have the courage to be stupid. Join the National Association of Complete Idiots today. Together, we can stop the delusion of intelligence in America and return this country to the people who truly populate it: Irretrievable, intransigent and unforgivably patriotic morons.

Are you proud to be a complete idiot? I am. And so should you.

BUSINESS AS USUAL AT GROUND ZERO

A REFLECTION

Three days ago, I walked past the World Trade Center site for the first time since 9/11. In the eight years since that day, I never really had a reason to. I moved to New York in 1996. I have been here ever since, with a five-year interlude in Chicago. During the 1990s, I used to admire the Twin Towers. As a newcomer to the city, I used to orient myself by looking for them. In a strange way, I liked them. They were unique. They looked strong. When you’re a kid in New York, you like the idea that your city is bigger and stronger than any other city. It makes you feel special. The Trade Center conveyed that strength.

I knew that terrorists tried to destroy the towers in 1993. The plan was to blast one tower’s foundation so that it would fall into the other one, knocking them both down. One summer day in 1998, I distinctly remember looking up at the towers from the corner of Park Row and Broadway—near the J&R Music World. From that intersection, you had a perfect view. The south tower was on the left and the north tower was on the right. The corners faced you, and there was a narrow gap between the two structures that cut a vertical line straight into the sky. From that intersection, the towers filled the sky; they dwarfed everything around them. You were just close enough to appreciate their every detail. And you were just far enough to appreciate how massive they really were.

I remember thinking: “Wow, imagine if I were standing here that day they bombed the Trade Center and I saw one tower fall into the other? My God, that would have been frightening. I’ll bet 50,000 people could die if that happened.” At the time, this was just nightmarish daydreaming. I never really thought something would happen to the World Trade Center again. When it did, I was just as awestruck as everyone else. I remember thinking that “New York would never be the same” after that day. And I didn’t mean it in an ominous, symbolic way. I meant that the city would just look different. The Trade Center anchored the whole skyline. It made New York seem like a strong city with those two powerful columns firmly entrenched in the southern tip, like two brawny shoulders. When they collapsed, the city’s image suffered a crushing blow. In an instant, its physical profile changed for all time.

In a strange twist of fortune, I was on vacation outside the city when 9/11 happened. I even took it as a signal to “get out of New York for a while,” so I moved to Chicago. I came back to New York in 2003 and stayed another year. During 2003 and 2004, I went to law school on Worth Street in Tribeca, no more than eight blocks from the World Trade Center site. Yet I never went there. Something held me back. I didn’t really feel the need to see it. In those days, politicians and architects constantly talked about how “a new trade center will rise from the ashes of the past.” They talked about “fearlessness.” They said that terrorists would never “intimidate them.” I was ambivalent; I really did not care. All I knew was that terrorists had struck a damaging blow, and no rhetoric could erase the evidence at Ground Zero. In mid-2004, I drove back to Chicago. At that point in my life, I wasn’t sure whether I would ever come back to New York.

But here I am back in New York. Finally, after eight years, something drew me to the World Trade Center site: I had an interview in the World Financial Center. To get to the World Financial Center by subway, you take the “E” train. The last stop on the “E” train is defiantly called “World Trade Center,” even though the World Trade Center isn’t there anymore. I got off the train at the “World Trade Center” station and walked upstairs. It was about 8 A.M. on a clear July morning. Upon reaching the street, I first noticed blue plywood walls that channeled commuters in particular directions. There was a lot of construction going on. A handwritten sign pointed us toward the “World Financial Center.” Two long columns of commuters passed each other through the plywood corridor. One column headed east, the other west. I headed west.

I looked up to my left and saw sky. There was nothing there. Then a strange feeling came over me: “I remember looking up from here and seeing the towers!” From this distance, the towers used to overwhelm you and blot out the sun. They used to cast enormous shadows that cascaded down the street. But now: Nothing. Just emptiness. It is strange to see empty sky in Manhattan. It strikes you immediately. You accustom yourself to seeing buildings on all sides, some of which rise far up into the sky. Yet at the World Trade Center site, sky is all you see. It was genuinely eerie. I felt like I had just stepped onto historically important ground not long after a historically important event. The emptiness above me only confirmed that something significant happened here.

But the commuters didn’t find it eerie at all. They marched along without looking up, tuned into iPods or iPhones. They had places to be and schedules to keep. They did not want to be late for work. In short, they were doing what commuters probably were doing before the planes arrived on 9/11. On 9/11/01, commuters on this street had to scramble for their lives. But on 7/7/09, commuters on this street shuffled more than scrambled. It was just another day. Something significant happened here eight years ago. Yet it had no effect on the commuters.

I have always been overly sensitive to history. When I know that something historically important happened in a particular place, it affects me. Recently, for example, I learned that English settlers in my hometown in Connecticut murdered 700 Native Americans in a place I know very well. Since learning that, I cannot look at the place in the same way. The same feeling overcame me when I walked past the World Trade Center, but with much greater immediacy. Here, a massacre happened only eight years ago, not in 1637. Here, an event happened that fundamentally changed the way Americans think about themselves and their country. Here, thousands died on an otherwise “regular business day.” You would think that would affect people doing precisely the same thing at the same place eight years later. You would think that would make people question whether it would ever be possible to “get back to normal” after such a monumental event. Apparently, it did not. On 7/7/09 it was “business as usual” at the World Trade Center. History did not intimidate these commuters.

And why should it? After all, 9/11 panicked American society. In the days and weeks following the attacks, Americans really wondered whether they could ever “get back to normal.” They did not know whether society as they knew it was coming to an end. But then the politicians stepped in and assured them: “If you don’t get back to normal, the terrorists win. If you don’t go back to work, the terrorists win.” In essence, a new American rhetoric developed in response to the panic created after 9/11, a rhetoric of “defiant normalcy.” To defy the faceless terrorists who caused so much panic, politicians encouraged Americans to simply live as they always had. They encouraged Americans not to think about 9/11 anymore, except when it was necessary to justify some new encroachment on civil liberties. 9/11 became a justification for drastic governmental action. Yet government cultivated a patriotic vision of 9/11 that carefully avoided mentioning the panic, fear and uncertainty that reigned on the day itself. In short, Americans have been taught to “remember 9/11” in order to reaffirm “normal, working lives,” but not to “remember 9/11” for the profound shock waves it sent through American society. Memory about 9/11, in other words, is “selective.”

On 9/11, nothing really mattered anymore. People really were terrified. They just wanted to survive; they didn’t care about their jobs. But for a government trying to run an international economy, these are unacceptable sentiments. That is why politicians after 9/11 did their best to help Americans forget the terror and uncertainty they felt on that day and its immediate aftermath. On 7/7/09, they clearly had forgotten. It was back to business as usual.

Yet this ignores history. No matter how much President Bush and the Federal government attempted to channel 9/11 fear into a new patriotism of “defiant normalcy,” 9/11 was not a strong moment for America. America took a profound beating on 9/11. After the fact, politicians and pundits contemptuously labeled the attackers “cowards.” Yet this is really because America lost the fight on 9/11. No matter how painful it may be to admit, the 9/11 attackers were not “cowards.” They did not fear death. They did not shrink from bold action. No, they were about as far from “cowardly” as you can get. They ruthlessly organized a plan to crash airliners into skyscrapers, killing themselves in the process. From a linguistic perspective, this is not cowardly at all. In fact, it reflects undaunted courage. Americans simply did not like the results of their courage, so they called it “cowardly.” Courage means fearlessness in the face of danger. Cowardice means fear and panic in the face of danger. Neither word refers to the subject’s political or national affiliation. By these definitions, the 9/11 attackers definitely had courage, not cowardice. This is certainly not a politically popular thing to say in America. But “cowardly” means something in the English language; and it does not describe the actions of men who fearlessly face death to accomplish a political mission.

President Bush and the Federal government transformed shock and embarrassment over “defeat” on 9/11 into a defiant new patriotism. But this patriotism was “reactive;” it arose because America suffered so much humiliation on 9/11 that enraged Americans vowed to avenge it. Their fear turned into anger. Still, no matter how defiant Americans became in 2002 and beyond, this does not change how terrified they were on 9/11. They did not like the way they felt that day. Before 9/11, they had become accustomed to feeling secure and strong. Yet on 9/11, they saw how weak they really could be. Such moments scare anyone, and no one likes to feel weak. That is why America “reacted” to its embarrassing weakness on 9/11 with a cocky new “strength” in its values. Yet no matter how much America defiantly postured after 9/11, it does not change the fact that America suffered a defeat on the day itself.

Very few admit that 9/11 was a defeat. Even fewer reflect on the terror that reigned that day. No one likes to remember bad times. We naturally suppress negative memories. We try to push them away with assumed strength. This is precisely what America has done with 9/11. It is like a bad memory, an uncomfortable experience. It does not fit our collectively strong self-image; it fact, it showed us how vulnerable we are. So we simply ignore it. This is exactly what the commuters were doing on 7/7/09. And they were doing it extremely well. It was commerce as usual at the World Trade Center, just as it was eight years ago. But history has left its mark, no matter how much we choose to ignore it. That empty patch of Manhattan sky speaks for history. Something happened here that forced us to change the way we look at the world. Yet how few actually changed the way they live—or think—as a result?

Unchecked international commerce provoked 9/11. Now it simply grinds on—in exactly the same place it suffered it worst day ever. As I walked to the World Financial Center three days ago, I could not repress that tangible—and profound—irony: “What have we really learned?”

THE PARTY FOR PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO EAT ONCE IN A WHILE

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Mr. Daniel H. Esser, B.S. (Hospitality Management), Senior Spokesman and Party Coordinator; Former Dessert Buffet Manager at Jimmy’s, Atlantic City, New Jersey.

America wants change. Some Americans want to be richer than they were last year. Others want affordable health insurance. Still others want to see an end to American military involvement in Iraq. Some like the way President Obama handles the economy. Others do not. But no matter what Americans want, there are some who have simpler needs. We represent the Americans who just want to sit down and have a meal every now and then, preferably more than once per day.

We are the Party for People Who Just Want to Eat Once in a While. We represent all the Americans who like eating. To that extent, we consider ourselves a populist movement. We are not elitist. We do not want to enrich ourselves at others’ expense. We do not even seek harsh criminal penalties against people we don't like. No, our needs are simple: We just like eating. We love breakfasts, luncheons and dinners, too. We even advocate vigorous snacking. We believe that eating is an American activity because if we didn’t eat enough, we wouldn’t live to be Americans. That is why we believe that eating comes first. Foreign policy and health care can wait; we need to eat before we can handle other things.

We may have simple needs. Yet both government and private enterprise in America today make it difficult for many Americans to eat normally, if at all. Homeless people pick used food from trash containers. Employed people work through lunch breaks, starving themselves in order to avoid bosses’ wrath. And young women deliberately refuse to eat in order to maintain a certain body type. This is not good for America. Without eating, Americans cannot do anything else. As the Party for People Who Just Want to Eat Once in a While, we insist that all Americans eat. We believe in freedom, too. That means we believe that every American should not only eat regularly, but also choose what they want to eat. It is not our business whether someone wants a Filet-O-Fish® with triple tartar and a jumbo size grape soda. We believe in freedom; as long as a person eats, we have done our part.

Our critics say that we demand too little from political life. They say that we must put forward more particular plans about the economy, the stock market, the military and education. They say we cannot attract support without more cogent reasoning about health care and taxation. We disagree. We believe that we can attract sufficient popular support merely by promising meals for all. Everybody likes to eat. We are certain that more Americans think about food every day than Iraq. We are dedicated to eating. We have made eating our number one priority in American political life. We do not demand too little; to the contrary, we demand just enough to fill our stomachs. And with full stomachs, anything is possible. In response to our critics, we suggest that they might achieve more success if they thought about food first rather than mysterious issues like foreign policy. No one can focus without a good meal. That is why we focus on the meal, not the complicated things we plan to do after we eat.

To be sure, we have definite plans about health care, Iraq, the economy, the employment market, taxation, education and the Judiciary. But it makes no sense to address our plans until we solve America’s foremost problem: Getting food. Why discuss economic recovery before every American has lunch? We would much rather see every American heartily fed before submerging ourselves in complicated economic discussions. We would much rather see every American with a sausage-and-mayo hero in hand before talking about health care. And we would much rather ensure that every American enjoys a steak dinner before venturing into foreign policy. In sum, we cannot make intelligent policy choices without first making sure that everyone is eating properly. As the Party for People Who Just Want to Eat Once in a While, we recognize that a good meal goes a long way.

We need to get back to basics in America. For too long, Republicans and Democrats have caustically debated political issues in Washington without ensuring that people are eating. In fact, most Washington politicians have no idea how few Americans enjoy meals every day. Washington politicians can sit comfortably and debate energy bills because they get regular breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Yet they are blind to the millions of Americans who scurry from sandwich shops to their jobs without really eating. They are blind to the millions of Americans who never get a chance to eat a decent breakfast. While Washington politicians relish eggs Benedict, pumpernickel bread slices and fresh oatmeal every morning, they are oblivious to the millions of Americans who forgo breakfast completely.

We believe this must change. Every American has a right to eat, and that includes breakfast. We all should eat eggs Benedict and pumpernickel slices, not just our representatives in Washington. Who can debate that food makes us happy? When we eat, we feel better. It gives us energy to get things done. We feel confident. And when Americans are confident, they can do anything. If food makes Americans confident, why do the Republicans and Democrats ignore it? In our view, food is everything. That is why we advocate making food the center of political life in America. We want every American to eat whatever he wants once in a while. We want Americans to eat pizza if that makes them happy. We want them to eat donuts and cheese fries if that gets them through the day. Because when Americans eat well, their spirits rise. And nothing can stop a well-fed, spirited American.

If you believe in change, you will support our cause. You like food, don’t you? You like chili dogs, popcorn and fried fish, don’t you? I'll bet you like stuffed-crust pizza, don't you? How about double-decker burgers and bacon club sandwiches? You like ravioli, lasagna and Cobb salads, right? When you eat regularly, you feel good, don’t you? Of course you do. Support us, The Party for People Who Just Want to Eat Once in a While. With us, you will eat what you want when you want. We will restore food-based patriotism to America. We will make Americans proud to eat again. No more will we shy away from croissants and butter rolls. Soon, we will eat pastries every day. And with satisfied stomachs, we will step up to accomplish all of our goals. Every American will feel proud to live under a government that puts American stomachs ahead of all other concerns. We can solve any problem. But first we must make sure we’ve all had enough to eat.

It’s time for change. It’s time to eat. The days of rushed lunch breaks and forgotten dinners are over. Vote for the Party for People Who Just Want to Eat Once in a While. With us, you will never go hungry again. You will never skip a meal. You will never feel too stressed to have some cereal or bake a cake. No matter what the Democrats and Republicans say, nothing is more important than food. And when you’ve had enough to eat, there’s nothing you can’t do.

PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO GO SHOPPING PARTY

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Mr. H. Langdell Kauffing, Party Vice President and Former Chairman, American Retailers for Maximum Credit Renewal Notwithstanding Minimal Income, Inc., a For-Profit Lobbying Group, Washington, D.C.

America knows how to bounce back. When tough economic times knock us down, we get back up like a scrappy underdog. The Depression knocked us down in the 1930s. We got up with a vengeance in the 1940s. Since then, Americans have navigated several major recessions. Through them all, they stayed strong. Even when life looks hopeless, Americans stay on top.

Today, we face yet another financial crisis. This time, they say it’s for real. The talking heads all squawk about “imminent collapse,” “unemployment,” “bread lines,” “bankruptcy” and “looming economic disaster.” They say Americans are paying the price for free money and bad decisions. They say Americans can’t even buy homes or get loans anymore. They say that unless the government steps in to rescue American businesses and insurance companies, the whole country will descend into anarchy.

Why did this happen? The talking heads say that Americans “spent irresponsibly,” “borrowed irresponsibly” and “lived irresponsibly.” In a word, they blame credit cards, banks and undisciplined consumers for casting the economy into peril. America, they say, brought this misery upon itself. They say Americans should have saved instead of shopped. They call on government to help save America from spendthrifts. Now, they say Americans must hoard their cash and stay away from shopping centers.

We cannot do this. Americans love to shop, and we stand for them. We are the People Who Love to Go Shopping Party. We speak for millions of Americans from coast to coast. We believe that we can beat the financial crisis in the same way Americans have beaten every recession that has come down the pike since 1932: By shopping, spending and consuming. Our economy gets nowhere when people bury their cash and hide jewels under the mattress. Rather, our economy will only recover when people dare again to spend. Spending is patriotic, not saving. We have a short answer to the talking heads: Sure, we’ll stop shopping—in hell.

We agree that our economy needs a boost. The housing collapse should not have happened. Shoppers need homes. Shoppers could not shop if they did not first have comfortable homes in which to place all the merchandise they buy. Shoppers also need a place to sleep in between shopping sessions. To that end, we agree that the government must bail out shoppers so they can pay their mortgages. After all, a homeless shopper is no shopper at all. We also promise to lobby for additional bailout money for more shopping. What good is bailout money if shoppers are afraid to spend it? We need to send a clear message to Americans in these dark times: “Life is back to normal. Start spending like it.” We want people to go out and buy new cars, tires, stereo systems and power lawnmowers. We want them to buy gifts for Mom and new furniture for sonny before he goes off to college. In short, we believe the naysayers border on treason when they suggest that Americans should sit on their money. No. Patriots spend. Traitors save.

There is only one way out of this hole. We need to spend our way out. And the clock is ticking.

Spending is not easy when you have no money. It is impossible to purchase a $7,500 kiddy Go-Kart® when you only have $1,323 in your bank account. Yet without immediate consumer spending, our country will slide further into the financial abyss. To that extent, we promise to reinvigorate consumer credit opportunities. For the last few years, evil legislators have launched a concerted propaganda campaign “warning Americans” about “credit dangers.” They say that credit companies prey on weak consumers and tyrannize hard-working Americans with interest charges. They say that runaway credit leads to poverty, homelessness and bankruptcy.

We must stop these lies. Consumer credit is the only way most Americans can buy things they can’t afford. When Americans buy things they can’t afford, the economy improves. Bearing that in mind, we must encourage Americans to spend money they don’t have. To do that, credit must be available to all, not just those with jobs, income and real estate. In America, all men are created equal. We believe it is only patriotic to demand that all Americans have equal opportunities to obtain credit. We see no reason why a rich man should be able to buy a power scooter on credit, but a welder cannot. Our economy suffers when only rich men buy power scooters. If we want to escape recession, both welders and doctors must buy power scooters—no matter how much each man has in the bank.

We have faith in American consumers. We do not treat them like children. We do not scold them for shopping. We trust them to do what’s best. Put simply, we believe that American consumers like to shop. History shows that when Americans shop, the country prospers. Additionally, Americans are happy when they shop. We do not believe the fearmongers who claim that runaway shopping caused the financial crisis. We refuse to allow the fearmongers to stop Americans from doing what they love. We refuse to allow them to blockade our shopping strips, malls and boutiques. We demand access to shopping centers. We want to shop. We can take care of ourselves. As the People Who Love to Go Shopping Party, we are united in our belief that shopping is a right. And it is a good, public right, because when we shop, the economy improves.

Can anyone really claim that saving money will rescue our economy? What good will saving do for Motel 6®? What good will saving do for Toys-R-Us®? What good will saving do for General Motors? Our economy will continue to wither if important companies sell nothing. They will not sell anything if officious government policies frighten people from spending money. Saving keeps money out of the economy; spending pours it in. A river cannot run without water. Spending provides healthy flow to the economic river. By contrast, saving causes economic drought. Without new money flow, the river dries up and parches. Is this what the government suggests? Saving and so-called “responsibility” will lead to further drought. And when the economic river dries up, everybody loses. We all drink from the river. If it runs dry, we will all die on the dusty riverbank.

We must pour our money into the river, not hoard money away from it. When we shop, we pour money into the companies that make the river flow. When the river flows, the company passes money along to employees. When the river flows, Americans get jobs. When Americans have jobs, they have more money to add to the river. And when the river flows, the company can pay taxes and make charitable donations. But none of these things will happen if Americans do not shop. Shopping is like the spring rain that cleanses the earth and strengthens the stream. Shopping is the lifeblood in economic life, just as the river provides lifeblood to all the plants and animals around it. In America, our economy is our habitat. We can only maintain our habitat if we give it water. Thus, it is only natural to spend. We must protect our economic river. We can only do that by shopping.

We promise to defend American shoppers against all encroachments. Put a party in power that will protect your right to go shopping. Do not let naysayers stamp out your rights with admonitions to “save your pennies.” We did not overcome the Depression by scrimping and hoarding. We overcame the Depression by pouring our money back into the economic river, even if we had to take out loans to do it. We can defeat this crisis by shopping, just as our great-grandparents did. Unlike the fearmongers, we have faith in our shoppers. We believe that government should encourage shopping, not frustrate it. To that end, we promise to make both money and credit available to all Americans.

Shopping is not a crime. In fact, it is the best thing an American can do to save the country from economic disaster. At the same time, shopping makes the individual consumer feel good. It is not a one-way street. The retailer gets the consumer’s money, but the consumer gets a video game cartridge, a refrigerator or a desk. These things make consumers happy. In this sense, shopping is both an individually joyful and patriotic activity. Shoppers sacrifice their money. But they get a welcome reward for it. Most patriotic sacrifices are not so pleasant. Shopping is unique in the sense that it saves the country at the same time it pleases the consumer. In that regard, it is hard to understand how anyone could think that shopping is bad, let alone irresponsible.

We believe that it is more responsible to be patriotic than parsimonious. Only shopping will save this country. Saving the country is patriotic, not saving money. Saving money will not save the country. It will cause the money river to run dry. If that happens, the United States will fall further into economic turmoil. How is that patriotic or responsible? The fearmongers say that “saving money” is “responsible.” Yet saving money will lead to national collapse. Again, we ask: How is it “responsible” to drive America to destruction? Put bluntly, the fearmongers are wrong. Saving money is not responsible because it is not patriotic. Patriotism means protecting and rescuing the United States from economic disaster. Only shopping can do that. In that sense, shopping is patriotic—and patriotism is responsible. We therefore assure all Americans: It is not “irresponsible” to shop, nor should you castigate yourselves for spending your savings at a car dealership. When you spend money, you are protecting this country. You are not betraying it.

We are confident that Americans will see that saving is not the answer to the financial crisis. Rather, we are confident that Americans will come to their senses and start shopping again. We, the People Who Love to Go Shopping Party, are dedicated to ending the lies about spending money. We promise to doggedly protect Americans’ right to shop, and that means confronting all the gloomy rhetoric about “saving,” “responsibility” and “ prudence.” In our view, Americans have a responsibility to be patriotic. To be patriotic, Americans must fight to rescue the United States from economic turmoil. That is true responsibility. And that means spending money—today.

Americans will overcome this menace by buying expensive merchandise every day without fear. Saving money got us into this predicament in the first place. It is time to fight back and buy what we want. It is time to end the fear. Let us join hands and tell the world: “We are not afraid to go shopping, even if we have no money in the bank, no job and no income.” We are the People Who Love to Go Shopping Party. We will fight for your right to shop--always and every day.

Be patriotic. Get out there and buy something.