WELCOME TO THE PROBLEM SHOP

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

COME ON DOWN !!!!

By : Mr. G. William Elender, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, The Problem Shop Cooperative Ltd. (a Delaware Corporation).

Isn't it about time that you stopped living a stress-free life? Haven't you had enough tranquility and happiness? Are you bored with contentment? Do your friends make you feel like an outcast because you don't have any problems? Do people ridicule you for having it too easy?

It's a New Year. It's your time to change. Here at the Problem Shop, you can complicate your life as much as you want for the lowest prices in town. No matter how much difficulty you want, we sell it. We offer convenient financing and easy-to-find retail locations. If you want a problem, look no further: Come to the Problem Shop TODAY!

Don't be afraid to get some problems. Many people think that it is smart to avoid problems. They are wrong. Problems make us stronger. They make us react more quickly to unfamiliar situations. And that sharpness translates into success in family, careers and money. Ask any successful man and he'll tell you the same thing: You need to face adversity before you make it to the top. Life is not a bowl of cherries. You need to have problems to really distinguish yourself.

We understand that it is difficult to know where to begin. Purchasing your first problem is a major life decision. You can't just rush into a problem, nor can you buy a problem that is too big. You need a problem to suit your needs and your personality. True, some people are born with problems. Some people have problems the moment they leave the womb, like deformed children. But not all of us can be so lucky. For those who need problems later in life, you can exercise your own judgment before deciding what problem you want. It's an individual choice. And we're here to help.

Before buying a problem, you must ask yourself what you hope to gain from it. Do you want to learn financial discipline? Do you want to make yourself into an honorable person? Do you want to understand others? Do you want to evolve as a person? Do you want to learn how to be kind or cruel? Every problem will shape you in ways you never thought possible. When choosing a problem, it's all in your hands. Our trained staff is ready to help you make the best choice for your needs--and your budget.

First-time problem buyers should start slow. Here at the Problem Shop, we want our customers to get only the problems they want--and only the problems they can handle. Although it would benefit us to sell you the biggest, most expensive problem on the shelf, we know it would not benefit you. In that light, we care about you. We do not want to sell heroin addiction, mental illness or terminal disease to a bright-faced young college student. Nor do we want to sell paraplegia to a 15-year-old. These are expensive problems. They are hard to handle. We would prefer to sell them to older folks who already have some experience dealing with problems.

So come on in for a free consultation. If you've never had a problem before, talk to us. We can offer you heartbreak following a kiddie crush for only $19.95. Or perhaps debt collection letters for a small bill, again for only $19.95. Parental abuse is a bit more expensive at $24.95, but you might learn more from a parent's fists than a debt collector's incessant phone calls. But that's why we are here: We are here to provide information to help you make the most intelligent decision you can about the problems you want in your life.

Once you've experimented with minor emotional and financial problems, you can graduate to more serious ones. Our "second-tier" problems will really build your character. Your friends will never ridicule you again if you purchase a home foreclosure for $49.95 or an eviction for $54.95. They might even have pity on you. If you are really feeling adventurous, you might even buy a moderately-severe health problem, such as Crohn's Disease, for just $59.99. Or you could try a serious emotional problem, such as divorce, starting at just $74.99. Acrimonious divorces--complete with court battles, custody fights, mutual recriminations, physical abuse and death threats--are more expensive; we recommend purchasing a simple divorce before experimenting with an acrimonious one.

We run the best problem retail outlet in town. We are so certain that our problems are better than our competitors' that we will match anyone's price. If you buy a stalker for $12.99 at any of our competitors' stores, we will match that price. PLUS we'll throw in an additional problem. With us, you will not just get a stalker for your money. You will get heartache following a child's death--a $9.99 value--ABSOLUTELY FREE. That's right, you heard it. ABSOLUTELY FREE. Here at the problem shop, we will not be undersold. We take problems seriously. To show you how much we care, we even GIVE AWAY free problems. We are committed to our customers.

At the Problem Shop, we not only offer the lowest prices. We also sell only top-quality problems. Sure, our competitors might sell bargain paternity suits for $49.99. But our paternity suits are much better. With us, you not only get the agony of court process, wage garnishment, arguments with your former lover and wrangling with police officers over money. You also get the added difficulty of having to prove that you are not the child's father--and failing in that quest. Our competitors offer simpler problems. Their paternity suit is too easy. With us, you get the basic problem PLUS emotional, financial and health complications. Who else can offer that? When you're buying a problem, you deserve all the little problems that come along with it. Don't settle for less.

So what are you waiting for? Haven't you had enough ease in your life? Step up to the plate and buy some problems. Be a man. Stop living for enjoyment and comfort. Show that you can handle adversity, too. Grow as a person, will you? Get off that couch and buy a debilitating accident for just $149.99. Show that you can get over the emotional turmoil that flows from losing a limb for just $159.99. Lose a parent for a special introductory price of only $99.99. Suffer unjust persecution and racial hatred for $199.99. Get some real problems and grow as a person.

No one will remember the guy who sits around in comfort. They will remember the guy who faced unimaginable difficulty and survived. If you act NOW we will even sell you a DOUBLE PROBLEM for one low price, such as our special Marital Betrayal/Homicide package or Sexual Dysfunction/Suicidal Depression combo.

Stop waiting. Buy some problems TODAY. Don't let our pricing scare you away. We offer competitive financing to all those who apply. There are no credit checks. There are no hidden fees. There are no contracts. There is no obligation. There is no "catch."

At the Problem Shop, we have a simple philosophy: Everyone who wants a problem should get one, regardless of their ability to pay. If you act NOW we will sweeten the deal even more. Starting TODAY, we offer zero-percent interest financing through 2014. That means you can buy sudden spousal disability with a lifetime homecare commitment TODAY for NO MONEY DOWN. No, you didn't imagine it. We meant what we said: NO MONEY DOWN. You won't owe us a dime for your problem until 2014. This is not a joke. Act TODAY and we'll even throw in a collector's edition coffee mug featuring the words "YOU THINK YOU GOT PROBLEMS?" ABSOLUTELY FREE (that's an $8.99 value).

So do yourself a favor. Start thinking about yourself for once. Don't be afraid. Come on down to the Problem Shop and pick out the problem that is right for you. Our friendly, professional sales team is ready to assist you. You can do so much with your life; we have a problem to match every lifestyle. It is never too early to complicate your existence. It is never too early to start worrying and suffering. Here at the Problem Shop, we can guide you in the right direction. We offer every imaginable life problem. If you want to be un-friended by a love interest on a dating website, we've got you covered. If you want to find out you have cancer, we've got you covered. You name the problem; we deliver.

At the Problem Shop, no problem is too little. We can sell it to you at an affordable price, every time. We even offer FREE SHIPPING!

Stop making excuses. Stop being happy. It's time for some problems. It's time for some challenges. You need adversity in your life. You want to grow as a person, don't you? And you want that free coffee mug, don't you?

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF HEARTLESS FORTUNATE PRICKS COMMITTED TO SOLVING EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEMS WITH CONDESCENDING PLATITUDES AND RUDE QUIPS

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Mr. J. Curtis Hinckley, Official Party Spokesman; Ph. D., Yale University (Business Communications); Former Chairman, Conrad, Killrath & Wedgeworth, P.C., A Professional Corporation Serving Professional Corporations in Professional Matters Professionally; Member, The United States Guild of Tax Examiners; Crossword Puzzle Expert; Married; Real Estate Owner (free and clear of all liens and encumbrances); Senior Partner; South Florida Responsibility Association; Untroubled Man.

Some people have it. Some don't. Some people grew up in stable households with good parents. Others frittered away and went off track. Basically, some people have problems and can't move on.

It takes some skill and good fortune to achieve success in America. We are happy to say that we are both skillful and fortunate. We are successful men and women. We never faced life-threatening illnesses, financial misfortunes or even the occasional insult during childhood. Rather, we had it pretty easy all the way through: We got jobs, we advanced, we made money and here we are at the top of the heap. Our parents always helped us. And they didn't die until we were good and ready for them to.

Life is not that difficult as long as problems don't materialize. It takes stability to achieve success, and problems make stability impossible. For example, it's impossible to get good grades all the way through high school, college, professional school and beyond if your mother falls ill and no one can take care of her. And without good grades, you can kiss a good job goodbye. Stability is essential to success. Yet it's so easy to experience problems. But when you have your eyes on the prize, you can't let yourself get bogged down in illnesses, love affairs, obsessions or far-flung emotions. You need to focus in and get the job done.

As successful people who never experienced significant problems, we find it extremely tiresome to hear about people with problems. After all, we made it. We could really care less whether someone else makes it. And in most cases, we are quite certain that other people don't make it because they are just not smart enough to overcome their problems. For a long time, we simply kept to ourselves and enjoyed our success. But we've had enough listening to others whine about their troubles. That is why we came together to form the National Association of Heartless Fortunate Pricks Committed to Solving Everyone Else's Problems with Condescending Platitudes and Rude Quips. If people want to complain about difficulty in their lives, we are ready to help out with glib, dismissive, smug and mean offhand comments.

Look: We don't have anything to worry about. We pay our bills. We get along fine at our jobs. We have stable families. That gives us a unique insight into others' lives. When we see others with problems, we can sit back and identify what's wrong. Then we can pronounce a cursory judgment about what to do. True, not everyone can enjoy a problem-free life. But we are happy to lend our one-line wisdom to everyone who is doomed to struggle in this world.

Let us start with unemployed people who are looking for work. They say they have been searching for months. They say they attend job fairs and troll internet postings. They say they have circulated resumes to hundreds of potential employers. They say that no one is hiring. They say that they are even willing to work for lesser pay and no benefits. They say they can no longer collect State unemployment insurance. They don't know anyone who can find them a job. They are worried to death because they have families to feed and rent to pay.

We have a simple answer for job-seekers: "Get a job." We are Heartless Fortunate Pricks. We are not unemployed. It's too bad that you don't have a job. But hey, you just need to try harder. Just get up and get a job. It's not rocket science. You can do it if you try hard enough. If you've already been trying for over a year, well, sorry. Gotta dig a little deeper there, pal.

Frankly, we find all these complaints so tiresome. After all, we never had to worry about getting a job. We had jobs waiting for us from day one. It is inconceivable to us how a person could not have a job. That is why we say: Just go get a job, already. How hard can it be? For goodness sakes, just go do it.

Let us move on to people with health problems. Some people do not achieve success because they come down with some debilitating illness. Some people get cancer and give up on life. Some people develop mental disorders, like depression and anxiety. Others suffer horrible accidents that leave them paralyzed or maimed. Still others have chronic diabetes, HIV, liver problems, kidney difficulty and even carpal tunnel. No matter what ailment plagues them, their complaint is always the same: I can't achieve my goals because I am sick and I am in pain.

Sick? In pain? So what? Success comes to those who work at it, whether they are sick or not. As Heartless Fortunate Pricks, we have a platitude for these folks: "Keep your chin up." Sure, you might call that a dumb thing to say, but who really cares? We still have our houses and jobs while you're staring death in the face. We even get to have sex four times a week while you're bed-ridden and eating through a nose-tube. Too bad for you. Look, we're trying to help you out here. Just keep your chin up and you'll be fine. You've got nothing to worry about. And for all those people who say they are "depressed," we have something else to say: "It's all in your mind." We don't really understand what you're going through, but from our perspective it all looks pretty silly. Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.

We are healthy. We have really good lives. We don't feel pain every day, nor do we suffer from life-altering disabilities. We have all our limbs and we even urinate comfortably. We don't catch diseases and we are not about to die. We don't even know anyone who suffers from heart trouble. As Heartless Fortunate Pricks, we live in a contented world. That is why we are uniquely situated to pass judgment on your problems. We are pleased to offer you Rude Quips and Condescending Platitudes to help you make it through your adversity.

Next we consider people who claim that "family problems" make it hard for them to cope with everyday life. These problems include abusive husbands who browbeat and whip their wives every night with a belt. Or a mother who struggles to raise 10 mentally-handicapped children without a partner or an income. It might even include a child who grows up in a broken home surrounded by drugs, crime, violence and despair.

These folks say that they are "emotionally disturbed" because they have no "peace at home." Without peace at home, they cannot focus on schoolwork, careers or advancement. Put simply, because they do not have stable family lives, they cannot achieve success.

We have advice for people with "family troubles." To the wife with an abusive husband, we say: "Stand up to him and be tough." To the mother who struggles to raise 10 mentally-handicapped children without a partner or income, we say: "Hold the course; you'll make it." And to the child living in a broken home, we say: "Don't blame your family for your own shortcomings."

In all honesty, we find these "family problems" to be poor excuses for failure in life. Just because a husband abuses his wife does not excuse the wife from earning a living or winning a promotion. A strong woman can persevere through everything, even daily beatings. Success is there for the taking; strong people take it no matter what challenges they face. And just because a mother tries to raise "special needs" kids without an income does not entitle her to sympathy for failure in life. After all, she's healthy and strong. If she really had the desire, she could change diapers, buy clothes, clean the house, manage medications, take the kids to doctor visits during the week, commute, cook meals AND hold down four full-time jobs in two States.

What's stopping her? "I'm so stressed out," she wails. Bullshit. She's just flat-out lazy.

There's nothing wrong with our families. We've never dealt with violence or drug use in the home. We've never had to care for "special needs" kids or mentally-handicapped midgets. We have obedient wives, good kids and plenty of money to pay the bills. Everyone has health insurance in our house. Everyone follows a predictable daily schedule. We know how to live. We don't have "family problems," and they don't distract us from giving our all at work. That is why we simply do not understand how so many people can complain about their "family lives." From our perspective, they just need to dust themselves off and get a grip.

You can solve your problems. In America, it's your responsibility to manage your own life. If you can't hack it, that's your problem. Don't look to others for help. No one has an obligation to help his neighbor in this country. Still, although we are Heartless Fortunate Pricks, we are happy to provide Condescending Platitudes and Rude Quips to help you through your toughest times. We don't claim to understand your issues. But we are prepared to minimalize, trivialize and ridicule them for your own good.

So for the last time, we say to everyone who has problems in the world: "Just get out there, get up, get a job, work harder, move on, feel better and do it right."

Trust us. You'll be fine. There are plenty of people who have it worse than you. But we don't.

AMERICANS UNITED TO RESOLVE EVERY SINGLE LIFE PROBLEM BY CUTTING A CHECK IN THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT

By : Mr. Sidney J. Bookings, C.P.A., Chairman and Senior Spokesperson; Graduate, University of Pennsylvania (Accounting Program 1982); Consultant in Wealth Management, Morgan Stanley & Co. (1983-2002); Founder, Bookings, Holderman & Petty, P.C., an Accounting Firm servicing Fortune 250 Companies; Statistics Enthusiast; Married.

According to an old adage, "money can't buy happiness." Throughout our society, we learn that emotional satisfaction only derives from human contact and genuine spiritual fulfillment. But we, Americans United to Resolve Every Single Life Problem by Cutting a Check in the Appropriate Amount, disagree. We do not believe that happiness is about emotion. Nor do we believe that happiness is difficult to obtain. Rather, we believe anyone can find happiness as long as he or she receives a sufficiently large check in the circumstances.

Unhappiness stems from problems. In many cases, money causes problems. In those same cases, problems go away when the person obtains a sufficiently large monetary amount. Checks represent a written instruction to a bank to pay a person ("the payee") a fixed amount of money at a definite time. See, e.g., Uniform Commercial Code (U.C.C.) Article 3, § 3-104(e). In that light, it is not necessary to supply "emotion" or "comfort" to a person suffering from a problem. Rather, the person merely needs to receive a check in an amount necessary to alleviate the problem. Once the problem dissipates, so does the unhappiness. And when unhappiness disappears, happiness replaces it. That is why we believe that checks in the appropriate amount lead to happiness.

Evidence supports our position. Consider the unhappy man who struggles at two jobs to pay rent, child support, medical expenses, credit card debt and a car note. "If I only had $15,000 next month, I would be able to pay these back charges. I would feel so much better if I wasn't so worried about these bills, etc." This man is unhappy because he has not paid identifiable financial obligations. In these circumstances, emotional tenderness or even love will not make him feel better. He needs money. Thus, a check for $16,987.23 offers him an almost magical gateway to happiness. Not only will a check in that amount redress his problem in full, but it will also give him an additional $1,987.23 to spend on himself. In this way, we see that checks in the appropriate amount not only dispel problems, but also bring genuine happiness.

But checks can only bring happiness if they authorize payment for the appropriate amount. This inquiry depends on the circumstances. For example, if a woman gives birth at a hospital without insurance and racks up a $2,987,712.65 bill, a check for $45.00 will not redress her problem. In this sense, a check alone does not resolve her problem; only a check in the appropriate amount will resolve her problem. As much as we like checks, we acknowledge that a check's happiness-inducing qualities only arise to the extent it authorizes payment in the appropriate amount. Problems exist when people owe a particular amount. Unless a check authorizes payment for that amount--or a greater amount--it does not yield its maximum happiness-inducing effect. As Americans United to Resolve Every Single Life Problem by Cutting a Check in the Appropriate Amount, we insist that our checks pay us the right amount, every time.

Despite checks' proven ability to solve problems, there are those who claim that a check--no matter its amount--cannot solve certain problems. These critics say that no check can make a crippled man feel better about his body, nor can a check repair the emotional pain that flows from heartbreak, loss or depression.

We disagree with all these assertions. For one, a check might not restore a legless man to health. But a check can symbolically make him whole. If you can't get your legs back, it's better to be legless with a $50,000 check in your hand than legless with no check in your hand. Second, while a check might not completely repair the emotional damage that flows from human relationships, it certainly can mitigate any emotional problem. For example, the most heartbroken man would feel a lot better if he unexpectedly received a $10,000 check in the mail. It is always nice to receive an unexpected check. It can brighten anyone's day, no matter how many problems they face. And if the check pays the appropriate amount, it can dispel any problem.

Although checks in the appropriate amount can solve any problem, checks paying an inappropriate amount occasionally cause unhappiness. For example, let us assume that a man suffers an automobile accident and pays $5,797.23 for repairs. He then receives a check from his insurance company paying only $500.00; the check will not induce happiness. To the contrary, it will induce anger, frustration or even unhappiness. But this is not the check's fault. Checks only cause negative reactions when they pay an inappropriate amount. By contrast, if the check in this man's case had paid $5,900.00, he would not have been angry, frustrated or unhappy. Rather, he would have felt relieved, excited and joyful. In essence, this illustrates a key fact about checks: They induce happiness and solve problems when they pay an appropriate amount, but induce negative reactions--and even unhappiness--when they pay an inappropriate amount.

We support checks' happiness-inducing qualities. We believe that checks should be a force for good in our society, not worry. To that extent, we stand for checks in the appropriate amount. As all the examples above show, Americans have problems. In all those examples, we saw that a check in the appropriate amount solves those problems, even when the problems apparently have nothing to do with money. Sufficient money sums always generate happiness, no matter the circumstances. A check for $9,000,000 will make even the saddest man happy, even if his mother, son and wife died on the same day. Greater amounts transcend any life adversity. We reject any claim that "money can't buy happiness." True, money might not literally buy happiness: There is no "Wholesale Happiness Warehouse" or "Happiness in a Box" for sale at a local outlet. But checks in the appropriate amount always remove obstacles blocking Americans' path to happiness. In our view, that is tantamount to happiness.

Tell the world that you can prevail over adversity as long as you receive a check in the appropriate amount. Stand up for your own well-being and comfort. Refuse to feel depressed any longer. Get your hands on a check in the appropriate amount. Every problem has a price; do not fool yourself into thinking that a check can't solve it. Checks can solve problems. They simply must pay the appropriate amount.

Stop making life so complicated. You just need enough checks to make your problems vanish for good. And when your problems are gone, you will be happy.

Stop the madness. Stop the delusion. Get back to basics. Join Americans United to Resolve Every Single Life Problem by Cutting a Check in the Appropriate Amount.

Don't worry. The check is in the mail.

FINANCIAL UNION OF PEOPLE WHO GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ALL THE TIME AND WHO COULD GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS EVERYWHERE AND FOR ALL TIME

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Mr. M. Myron Bird, Jr., Ph.D. (Leisure Studies), M.B.A. (Account Management); Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Short Hills Federal Savings & Loan Society; Avid Water Polo Connoisseur; Beachgoer; Honorary Chairperson, The American Relaxation Society, Age 27.

Many Americans face difficult times today. They worry about their jobs, finances, and even relationships. In challenging economic times like these, they wonder whether they will ever find happiness amid so much worry. After all, it is hard to be happy when banks threaten foreclosure, savings accounts dwindle and you lose your health insurance. Basically, many Americans face insurmountable problems. For these Americans, life is a wrenching struggle fraught with worry, pain, inconvenience, frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, heartache and indignity. For these Americans, joy is fleeting, if they ever experience it at all. They never get to do anything they enjoy because there are too many obligations. There is too much to do. There are too many people who expect them to get things done. There is never enough money to pay everyone who demands it. Who can feel joy under such pressure? Who can feel joy when so many other people dictate how you must act in life?

We can because nobody tells us what to do. We don’t feel pressure at all. We are the Financial Union of People Who Get to Do Whatever They Want All the Time and Who Could Give a Shit What Anyone Else Thinks Everywhere and For All Time. Put simply, we are the guys who make life hard on everyone else. We impose obligations; we don’t live under them. Our fathers own massive banks, investment houses, insurance conglomerates and pharmaceutical companies. We employ people; we don’t work. We wear T-shirts and flip-flops. We stay at home. We hire and fire. We collect fees. We divide up partnership profits. We buy eighth houses and jets. We swim on Tuesday afternoons in beautiful pools. We drink pina coladas with topless blond models while Americans worry about health insurance premiums. People give us money, not the other way around. We own so much property we don’t know what to do with it. You don’t hear about us much, but we’re out there. And we’re having a fantastic time, too.

We find it strange to hear about all these Americans who suffer hardship. After all, we have it good. Every time we turn on the news, we hear about “problems” that Americans face. We hear about low-income women who abandon their children because they can’t afford to care for them. We hear about middle-class families that descend into chaos because they can’t afford an unexpected carburetor repair. We even hear about struggling young professionals who complain they have “no work-life balance” because they never leave their offices. Basically, it seems that every American is worried to death as they struggle to cope with obligations from all sides.

Sucks to be them: Too bad they don’t own banks and pharmaceutical factories. We are the guys who impose obligations; we don’t face them. The only obligation we have is not to murder the gardener or rape those hot Polish cleaning ladies. Even if we did that, I’m sure we could pin it on someone else; hell, we own law firms and our dads know all the judges. Some say that we don’t understand the term “consequences.” But “consequences” are for people with problems and obligations. We are the guys who give other people problems and obligations; we make others suffer “consequences” when they fail to adhere to obligations. So how can we suffer “consequences?” That’s like telling the king to punish himself; the king punishes, not the other way around. In a word, we shit on “consequences.” When you own banks and control currencies, you don’t worry about “consequences.” In fact, you don’t really worry at all.

That’s why we can’t understand why people whine so much about life being “hard.” For us, life couldn’t be better. We get up when we want, stay out all night, have sex with models whenever we want, drive cars, go on luxury vacation cruises at our sixth family beach resorts, drink specialty mixed drinks with friends and buy any car we see. We have fun from morning to night, 365 days a year. We never have to do anything; we only do what we want. Sure, we might defer to a friend’s suggestion to fly to Aruba instead of Monaco, but that’s just courtesy. We’re never bound to do one thing or another. Still, we are courteous people. We listen to our friends. After all, we all just want to have a good time. There’s no need to squabble when you already own everything. When you get to do whatever you want all the time, life is beautiful. That’s why we don’t really grasp all this talk about “hardship” and “difficulty.” If you were in our loafers, you would say: “I love my life!”

We recognize that many people don’t like us. They say we don’t belong in a society committed to equality for all. They say we should face the same challenges as everyone else. We disagree with these criticisms for two main reasons. First, our society is not committed to equality for all. Rather, our society is committed to rewarding those who provide value to society. Our families provide real value to society, and our reward has been to live happy lives without obligation. Additionally, it would difficult to imagine a society in which both “equality” and “obligation” could coexist, for obligations always involve a superior and an inferior party.

Second, even if “equality” really were a social aim, it would not include the requirement to “subject everyone to the same challenges.” Some people have tough luck. Others get good breaks. That’s life. Some people get chronic skin diseases and look like walking corpses. Others are born mentally defective. Surely these “equality critics” do not think everyone in society has to endure these challenges? Hey, it would be great if everyone were beautiful, well-formed and wealthy like us. But that just can’t happen. Some have it better, namely, us. Not everyone can be both beautiful and own JP Morgan Chase.

Still, most people fail to comprehend our responses to their objections. They say it’s “just not fair” that we get to sit poolside all day having sex with models while they have to trudge into an office tower and move paper boxes from one corner to another for $28,250 annually (less taxes). To this we merely point to our party name: “We are the Financial Union of People Who…Could Give a Shit What Anyone Else Thinks Anywhere and For all Time.” You see, we really don’t give a rat’s ass that people are jealous of the way we live. You have your lot; we have ours. We are the ones who make your life difficult; we get to enjoy ourselves while you work. There’s nothing you can do to change the way we live, so there’s no point complaining about it. If you cared enough about yourself, you would stop complaining and work a little harder. This is America, after all. You can try to change your circumstances. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say you can’t get anywhere because you’re injured, you have debt, you have a family to feed, no one’s hiring, no one pays overtime, blah blah, blah. Excuses, excuses. Face it, you are who you are: A Loser. If you just tried a little harder you could make the next pay grade. You might never get to our level, but you could at least make a few more dollars if you just grit your teeth and worked until 7 each night instead of 5:45. But you’ll never get anywhere if you cross your arms and pout about us. No matter how much you complain, we don’t give a shit. You see, when you have as much property as we do, you have the freedom not to care. And let me tell you something: We don’t.

To be clear, we do care about some things, just not you. Specifically, we care about whether we have to wait for a runway to clear before our jets can take off. Or if we’ve planned an outdoor dinner bash at the Hampton House, we care about whether it rains.

Despite these occasional challenges, we can’t say we’re unhappy. Our life is good. It is hard to explain just how good to someone who wakes up every morning to face pressing obligations. We wake up any time we want. We get breakfast served. We can choose to drive the Aston Martin or the custom Maybach. We can party or we can stay home and watch a first-run movie in our personal movie theater. We never see a bill, let alone pay them. Basically, every day we can choose the best way to amuse and delight ourselves. We don’t have to think about anyone but ourselves. We don’t have bosses; we are the bosses’ bosses. Believe me, it is a great way to live. We don’t think about bank balances, child support payments, car notes, interviews, denied medical coverage, standardized test scores or school deadlines. If someone denies us something, we just make a phone call and it’s solved. We don’t worry because there is no one who has anything we don’t. In a word, we think differently because we own everything. When you own everything, you don’t stress.

We fought to get where we are. We are happy to be here. There is no way in hell we are going to share it with anyone else. We are the Financial Union of People Who Get to Do Whatever They Want All the Time and Who Could Give a Shit What Anyone Else Thinks Everywhere and For All Time. Our membership is strictly limited. We control money; we don’t worry about it. We play by a different rulebook than the rest. You can’t join us unless you kill us and take our spots. If you try to do that, you’ve got a fight on your hands, because everyone works for us. And they don’t even know it. Everyone works and suffers so that we get to keep doing whatever we want, every day. It’s amazing what owning banks can do. Just ask us.

Problems and “consequences” are for little people. We love this country.

WHY IT IS GOOD TO HAVE MONEY

AN EDITORIAL

By : Mr. Arnold F. Silver, Esq., Partner, Gold, Diamond, Silver & Greener, P.C., Attorneys Specializing in Commercial Paper, Finance, Banking & International Currency Transactions.

I was asked to write an essay about our law practice. I decided, however, that it would be much more appropriate merely to explain why it is good to have money. Legal questions and money questions generally go hand in hand. For that reason, writing about money is the same as writing about legal practice. Suffice it to say, when we practice law at our firm, we talk about money—whether directly, indirectly, figuratively, literally, symbolically, by implication or by insinuation—all the time. And it is certainly our goal. Put simply, we do not get up in the morning thinking about helping clients with our unique legal knowledge. We get up in the morning thinking about how much money the firm will make each day. Having clarified why I am writing, I will now discuss why it is good to have money.

I have money. You don’t. I like the way I feel. You don’t. I can buy a car and a house without anxiety. I can make all my payments every month, plus have money left over in all my accounts. I can drive to work and drive home, then comfortably watch television before going to bed on a very soft mattress. You worry all the time whether you will have enough cash at month’s end to stay in your apartment. I send my laundry to be cleaned and pressed every week. I can afford it. You can’t. You live in rumpled clothes because you don’t have the money or time to wash them regularly. I can go on long vacations with my wife because I have a lot of extra money. I can sit on the beach for several weeks knowing that my house and car will be there when I get home. You can’t go on vacation. You can barely buy groceries. You can’t go anywhere. You have to think about getting money to eat. In essence, it is better to be me than you. It is good to have money.

I run a business and I get all the proceeds. You work for someone and get a few dollars in return. I feel perfectly normal each day giving instructions to my employees. You feel awful each day taking peremptory commands from your bosses. At the end of each quarter, my partners and I divide up the surplus revenue, giving me a large cash bonus. You get an insulting paycheck. I make a lot more money than you because I own more than you do. You make a lot less money than I do because you own nothing. You don’t have the money to own anything, either. I will keep my money and stay the way I am. You will keep making a few dollars and stay the way you are. I am doing better than you because I have money. You are doing worse than I am because you don’t have money. This again proves that it is good to have money.

I have investments because I have extra money to spend on them. You can’t make investments because you have no extra money. I make a lot of extra money from my real estate investments, money markets and stocks. You do not have any real estate investments, money markets or stocks because you can’t afford them. I feel good knowing that I have profitable investments. You feel panicked and terrified that you have almost nothing in the bank. I have a portfolio that generates income each month without any effort on my part. You do not have a portfolio and you generate no income if you don’t work. I own property and I can do what I want with it when I want to. You own no property and you have to listen to your landlord. You wish you had what I have. But you don’t. Money gave me what I have, so it is good to have money.

I can help people like you because I have money. You want to change your life. You want to make money. But before you can, you need a loan. I can give you a loan because I have money. You need money to pay for your necessities and go to school. You need me so you can finally make more money. I don’t need the money; you do. I am doing fine. You aren’t; that’s why you need a loan. If I give you a loan, you will have my money. But I want my money back—plus more. You might have my money for a while, but in the end, I will have my money back, plus a lot of yours. You need my money. But in the end I will have yours. I don’t really need your money. Yet no one gets my money without giving me theirs. That wouldn’t be fair. No one gives away money for free. And you need a loan, don’t you? I don’t have to worry. You do. I have money. You don’t. You wouldn’t be asking for a loan if you did. In a word, it is good to have money. You don’t have to ask for loans when you already have money.

I do not have many problems because I have money. You have a lot more problems than I do because you have no money. Life is better when there are fewer problems. Life is worse when there are more problems. Money eliminates many problems. That is why I have fewer problems than you. It is better to have only a few problems than many problems. We both might have problems with relationships. But I do not worry about rent, food, gas bills, air conditioning costs, loan debt, my job, medical care, my credit score or my bank balance. You worry about all these things and relationships. I only worry about relationships. So you have lot more problems than I do. That means I have a better life because I have money. You have a worse life because you don’t.

I can make my money work for me. I can charge interest. I can open trust accounts. I can diversify my funds. You don’t even have funds, so you can’t diversify them. You can’t open trust accounts or charge interest, either, because you don’t have any money. Money can’t work for you if you don’t have any. It feels good to know that your money is working for you, because then you don’t have to work as hard. But you feel terrible now because you have to do all the work. After all, your money isn’t working for you because you do not have any money. You wish you were me because I have money. You can’t be me until you have money. And you don’t. My money works for me and I feel good about it. You have no money at all and you feel bad about it. For that reason, it is good to have money. In any event, it is better to have money than not to have money.

In my opinion, my life is better than yours. Typically, I do not make moral judgments. Rather, I make financial judgments based solely on figures and potential profitability. In some cases, however, I can make moral judgments based upon financial considerations. In this case, I can say that I am happier than you. I am happier because I am less anxious, nervous, angry, scared, upset, stressed, depressed, resentful and desperate than you. Furthermore, I experience more bodily comfort, pleasure, delight and enjoyment than you because I do not worry as much about money matters. You occasionally experience bodily comfort, pleasure, delight and enjoyment. But more often you are nervous, angry, scared, upset, stressed, depressed, resentful and desperate because you do not have enough money to pay your bills. You live in uncertainty. Uncertainty makes it impossible to relax and feel good. By contrast, I feel certain every day that I have more than enough money to pay any bill that comes my way, even a bill for unexpected dental work. That certainty eliminates any negative emotions I might feel. I do not feel resentful; why should I? I do not take instructions; I give them. I do not have to be somewhere everyday at 7 AM; my employees do. I do not wait until someone tells me I can leave my desk; I tell my employees when they can leave. I make my own hours, I go where I wish and I don’t suffer for it. Why? Because I have money. Money makes me free and happy. You don’t have money. You are not free and you are unhappy. You would rather be free and happy. But you can’t be either free or happy until you have money. I have money. As a financial and moral matter, that gives me a better life than you.

In conclusion, it is good to have money because it brings freedom, happiness, certainty, power and self-determination. By contrast, it is bad not to have money because it leads to bondage, powerlessness, debt, unhappiness, uncertainty, indignity, shame, contempt, resentment and anxiety. I have money. You don’t. I am happy and free. You aren’t.

I am glad I live in a country that lets me have money. You live in the same country, so what are you whining about? Stop sulking. Go make some money. Make yourself happy and free.

Remember: You can always get a loan from me.

GET OUT OF THE RACE : START LIVING A LITTLE

By : Michael A. Schlafmeister, M.S., Chairman and Marketing Director, Relaxforever.com

At some point during your busy life, I’ll bet you’ve felt disappointed. Maybe you’re pressing 40 and you still have not gotten that big promotion. Maybe your dream girl slipped through your fingers and now you’re stuck in a loveless marriage. Maybe you have chronic kidney disease and you are in constant pain. Or maybe you just missed winning the lottery—for the sixth time. At Relaxforever.com, we understand that life isn’t fair. We know that joy never seems to materialize. And we know it hurts.

Mom and Dad never told us how tough life would be. When you were a child, I’ll bet you had some really fun times. You probably even thought that life would continue to be fun. After all, kids always want to be like grown-ups because it looks like grown-ups can do all the fun things that kids want to do. But no one told us about creditors, loans, debt, dishonesty, competition, anxiety, depression, humiliation, bum jobs and disenchantment. When we were kids, it was a joy to wake up every morning because there was always something fun to do. No one told us that one day we would dread getting out of bed to face the world. Grown-ups never mentioned these things. We only found out about them once we got older.

At Relaxforever.com, we stand for people like you. We stand for people who have suffered disappointment in life. When it comes to disappointment, we have a simple motto: “Haven’t we all been there?” We understand that your life is definitely not a box of chocolates, even if you have money. Even rich people get jealous and hate the way their children turned out. Money will not save you from cancer or backstabbing, estranged relatives who eagerly await their inheritance. When it comes to disappointment in life, we are all equal. And we understand your pain.

In our culture, no one tells us that anxiety lurks around every corner. We simply learned to study hard, work hard and do our jobs. We found out later that life is a cruel race in which luck is as important as skill. Only a few win; the rest simply flounder in a losing contest. Throughout our lives, we receive rejection letters from employers and schools. We hear the word “No” far more than “Yes,” and we never truly get what we want. We simply compromise for what we can “realistically” achieve. And even then, we stand at the mercy of our friends, families and acquaintances. They lie to us more often than they tell us the truth; we come to expect more betrayals than loyalty. We manage to find some happiness in relationships with people who do not hurt us, but they are the exceptions. By and large, we expect rejection and disappointment. Meanwhile, we work away at jobs that seem to offer no meaning; but we must work away, because creditors demand money from us at every turn.

It is a cruel, unforgiving race. There is never time to relax. We know it is hard. We are there for you.

At Relaxforever.com, we offer quick and easy solutions to life’s problems. Our personalized euthanasia services proceed on a simple assumption: That problems only cause stress to the living. By draining life from our bodies, we deny problems the hosts they require to survive. After all, money problems inflict emotional pain because a living person worries that he will not pay a bill. His brain releases chemicals that cause him to feel “bad.” But if this person were dead, his brain would no longer release chemicals at all. No matter how many past due bills this person receives, he will feel nothing, even if he has no money to pay them. In the same way, relationship problems hurt when a living person confronts difficulty with another living person. When his mate acts in an unfavorable way, he suffers emotional turmoil. But death eliminates the brain’s chemical capacity to feel heartbreak; indeed, it eliminates the capacity to feel much anything at all.

Naysayers claim that death is not an effective solution to life’s problems. Rather, they say that it makes no sense to throw the baby out with the bathwater. According to this logic, death may avert physical pain and the stings of disappointment, but it also forecloses good feelings in the future. In other words, “life is worth living” because there is always a potential for good feelings. This argument misses the point. For some people, there is no realistic possibility to ever experience good feelings again. Consider a client who lost all four limbs in an accident, became blind and his wife left him because he could no longer engage in sexual intercourse. This client also lost his job because he could not render effective customer service without vision or limbs. He had no health insurance, and his medical treatment bankrupted him forty times over. For these reasons, this client realistically believed that life held nothing more than pain and disillusionment. If he went on living, he would simply torture his body and mind with endless pain. Relaxforever.com provided an effective alternative; he decided to get out of the race. We believe he made a rational choice.

We recognize that every person is different. Everyone has different tolerances for disappointment and pain. Yet everyone experiences disappointment and pain. They are unavoidable. We do not question anyone’s claim that life proves too difficult to bear. True, not everyone faces challenges as severe as the blind and limbless client’s, but we all have problems. Our problems dominate our lives like no others. We may recognize that others have more objectively “bad” problems, but that does not make us feel any better about our own. For example, we see that there are homeless people on the street without food, money, shelter or hope for survival. Yet we still feel bad about our low pay, our treacherous boyfriends, our overbearing parents, our arthritis, our health insurance and our debts, even though we have homes and food. The homeless man may face terrible adversity, but so do we—in our own way. Problems are personal. They torture the strong along with the weak. At Relaxforever.com, we do not judge your problems. We simply recognize that everyone’s problems are unique; and they cause unique stress, no matter how objectively “severe” or “minor” they are.

Have you had enough? Are you tired of getting up in the morning to be scolded by a brutal employer? Are you sick of running behind on your credit card bills and begging banks for loans, only to be rejected? Have you been passed over for a job one too many times? Did the love of your life cheat on you then dump you? Do your own children lie to you and steal from you? Do you spend more time in the hospital than at your home? Does your spouse abuse you? Is your wife having an affair with a tennis player? Do you suffer from debilitating injuries? Are you addicted to medications? Do you cry from morning to night? Did the sheriff just evict you from your house? Never fear. You are not alone. We know that life seems bleak. That is why you should log onto Relaxforever.com.

Talking and therapy can only take you so far. Mental gymnastics can only partially palliate your pain. No matter how many times you sing kumbaya, creditors will still garnish your wages and your girlfriend will still cheat on you. When it appears that only pain and disappointment await you in life, do the reasonable thing. Spite your problems. They are like parasites. They roost in living bodies. Do not give them a body to infect. It is easy, quick and affordable. Can it really be that bad? Think about it. Our euthanasia methods are safe, painless, user-friendly and FDA-approved. We offer payment plans. There is no credit check. No animals were harmed in testing our euthanasia methods, and we use only organic materials. We proudly sponsored the 2008 U.S. Olympic Team. If you can go to sleep, you can use our services. Wouldn’t you rather just go to sleep than face a lifetime of agony, torture, humiliation and rejection? At Relaxforever.com, you truly can take a vacation: You will never have to return to your vindictive spouse, your moronic boss, your abusive parents or your emasculating, petty job. You will no longer feel pain or worry. You will never need medical treatment again. You will never receive another bill. No one will ever ask you for money again. You will not grow older and you will not face derision, insult or scorn. If you have not already gone gray, you never will.

Isn’t it about time to decide your own destiny? Haven’t you exhausted yourself enough serving others’ whims? Haven’t you expended enough worry and fear attempting to mold yourself to others’ expectations? Aren’t you fed up with pain, rejection, grief and disillusion? Treat yourself for once. Take a break. Check out of town. Start living a little. What do you have to lose? Euthanize yourself today at Relaxforever.com for just one easy payment of $29.99. Can it really be worse than what you’re going through now? What have you got to lose? Your unhappiness and pain? Try our product. We guarantee you won’t complain if you do. It’s our promise™.