VLADIMIR PUTIN ON TIGER WOODS

СЕГОДНЯ ИЗ МОСКВЫ

By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation (2000-2008); Former Chairman of KGB State Police, Union of Soviet Socialist Republics; Outdoorsman; Certified Judo Expert.

Иногда я совсем не понимаю этих американцев. Sometimes I completely do not understand these Americans. Earlier this year I wrote how silly it was that they wasted valuable State news service time covering--I believe I say this correctly--"R/B Star" Chris Brown. This Chris Brown supposedly beat self-proclaimed American Cultural Ambassador to Barbados named Rikhanna. For a brief moment, I thought my comments would lead the Americans to believe that they should attend to more pressing matters. I, for example, took the opportunity to move Russian troops closer to our border with Lithuania and Latvia. After all, at that moment, the Americans were distracted wondering whether this criminal boy who wears "bling" ("блинг") and sings soul rendition called "This Christmas" actually struck Cultural Ambassador of Barbados. Ну же, у меня права не был. Oh well, I was wrong. No, these Americans again waste all energy talking about--do I say this correctly?--black star of golf (чёрное звёздо голфа), Tiger Woods, who cheats on wife, the Swedish woman named Nordegren.

Here was my reaction when I heard about this latest American "scandal:"

Americans now hear that the Tiger Woods is untrue to this blue-eyed, ice-cold Swedish wife. They even hear that the Tiger Woods has several mistresses, including good-looking models and temptresses. The newspapers spend great amount of time discussing phone calls between the Tiger Woods and other women. They say that the Tiger Woods is womanizer. They say he drinks alcohol and takes medication pills when he is not sick. Newspapers in America say that the Swedish woman named Nordegren knew about affairs of the Tiger Woods and hit him with a golf club because she was angry about it. She now has returned to Sweden.

Мы Русские тоже знают o шведском предательстве. We Russians, too, know about Swedish treachery. Those dirty blond-headed barbarians from the North twice invaded our motherland and destroyed many Russian villages. Swedes are icy, aggressive, tall and violent. We Russians do not trust them. The Tiger Woods should have expected that this Nordegren would attack him sooner or later. That is a very Swedish thing to do. Because of Russian history with Sweden, I am not surprised that this Nordegren smashed the Tiger Woods with golf club.

Но и что? But so what? What's the big deal with this Tiger Woods and beautiful women? So what if he slept with brutal Swedish temptress and assorted ladies of Las Vegas? So what if black star of golf drank too much liquor and crashed car? In Russia, men sleep all the time with women, drink and crash cars--or at least fall off horse-drawn carts. No one thinks anything of it--or any less of the man. Жизнь, женщины, алкогол. Life, women, alcohol. This is a man's existence in Russia. So he gets drunk and sleeps with women. His wife beats him because he is a drunken idiot. Is this a world-changing event? Конечно нет. Of course not; it happens every day over here and we just keep living until alcoholism kills us. And we certainly do not waste valuable State news service time condemning black stars of golf for something most men do in Russia: Drink and carouse.

But all this works to my advantage. While Americans look at half-naked pictures of Swedish woman named Nordegren, I will have time to negotiate secret military pact with Germany. Even new President Obama is too worried about the Tiger Woods to notice what I am doing in Eastern Europe and Central Asia. Let the Americans talk about Las Vegas ladies who travel festively in the Tiger Woods' automobile. As they wonder about the Tiger Woods' golfing future and endorsement opportunities with capitalist sports apparel manufacturers, I will continue massing tanks near Mongolia and Uzbekistan. Who will notice? The Americans are reading about the Tiger Woods and treacherous Swedish women named Nordegren. Россия им равна. They don't care about Russia. No, they don't care about anything except spring training baseball, new Kanye West music video, Hollywood blockbuster and next paycheck. Это удобно. Fine with me. Soon the Russian Empire will again reign over central Asia.

Американцы очень интересные люди. Americans are very interesting people. Many here in Russia simply say that they are stupid belligerent capitalist dogs. But I know that the question is more complicated than that. Yes, many Americans are stupid belligerent capitalist dogs--and fat, too. Yet that does not answer the ultimate question about Americans. Кто эти люди такие? Who are these people? Это ностоящий вопрос. That is the real question. They hold public figures to high moral standards, even when they do not observe those standards themselves. They live for riches, then criticize those with riches. They preach equality for all, yet they are content to see many of their citizens in terrible economic despair. They think about sex all the time, but they ridicule those who get caught having affairs. They say it is immoral to drink too much alcohol, yet everyone goes out and gets drunk on weekends. They promise freedom and justice to the world, yet fail to provide basic necessities to their own people.

Ух, у меня сейчас болит голова; я слишком долго думал о Америке. Ouch, now I have a headache; I've been thinking about America for too long.

Perhaps this Tiger Woods serves a function for us here in Russia. If we can understand why Americans spend so much time thinking about this black star of golf and his "problems," perhaps we can understand Americans. To us, the whole situation is silly, illogical, petty, superficial and insignificant. Yet it fascinates Americans. Perhaps that means that Americans, too, are silly, illogical, petty, superficial and insignificant because they care about it so much. You see, as Prime Minister of all the Russias, I must find reason in every situation, even situations that make no sense to a Russian.

Вот так! Сейчас это ясно. Look there! Now it's clear. Tiger Woods helped me understand the American spirit. For the longest time I simply could not figure out why Americans wasted all their time writing and reading about black star of golf. But now I've got it. I am always happy when I learn something about my adversaries. And this time I have made a great discovery: Because Americans spend valuable time on superficial, petty and insignificant matters, it means that they will never seriously attend to anything meaningful. That means I can continue absorbing former Soviet satellite Republics and no one will notice.

Even the President Obama will not notice me: He will instead decorate White House Christmas tree, pardon 44-kilogram turkey and participate in children's Easter egg roll on national lawn. Then he will read latest news story about hip-hop artist in trouble or Hollywood movie star in rehab clinic. Пусть он! Let him!

Earlier this year, I was not sure if Americans would change with this Obama as their President. I thought perhaps they would take an increased interest in my activities in Eastern Europe and Asia. After all, this Obama is significantly smarter than the Bush who preceded him. But thankfully I was wrong. They continue to fixate on silly stories about black stars of golf and--I believe I say this correctly--Little Jon (Маленький Джон) crunk (кронк) ringtones for overpriced mobile devices.

When the most powerful country on earth spends all its time worrying about such things, how can I go wrong? Спасибо, Тайгер Вудс! Thank you, Tiger Woods! You have indirectly influenced new Russian power in Europe and Asia.

Извините, но сейчас мне надо летать в Берлин. Excuse me, but now I must fly to Berlin. I am discussing secret arms cooperation treaty with the Germans. Once I complete alliance between Germany and Russia, no Nation in Europe will stand in my way. Спасибо, Тайгер Вудс! Thank you, Tiger Woods!

VLADIMIR PUTIN ON CHRIS BROWN

СЕГОДНЯ ИЗ МОСКВЫ

By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Acting Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation; Former Agent, KGB; Bold Russian Unafraid to Show Chest to United States

Зтот Крис Браун мне совсем равен. This Chris Brown means absolutely nothing to me. For some reason, the American press wastes valuable time reporting about this—do I say this correctly?—“R/B Star.” I am worried about Georgia, Poland and Czech missile defense program. But these Americans blather about this criminal boy who strikes women? This happens every day in Russia. If the man hurts the woman, the police come and arrest the man. He apologizes. Then he goes home and drinks vodka. End of story—конец истории. We have more important matters to discuss.

What is the big deal with this singer of Pop song: “Run It?” So the Americans like to dance to this so-called “khip-khop” music? Is this so important? What about the Imperialist War they wage in Iraq and Afghanistan? Is this “Run It” singer more important? In Russia, we worry about significant matters. We are currently conducting oil exploration in the Arctic Sea and in Siberia. We talk about rebels in Chechnya in our news, not about people named “Chris Brown,” “Rikhanna” and “Paris Khilton.” We even talk about our ill grandfathers and uncles who sit all day in a drunken stupor. Yes, our youth in Russia likes the “khip-khop” music—they even dance to this “Run It” song under Russian name “Быстро Бегать с Этом” (“Quickly Running With It”)—but we do not waste valuable State news service time talking about men who bitch-slap. It is completely incomprehensible to the Russian mind.

I am curious to see what happens with new American President, Barack Obama. At present, he has said nothing about Russia. Does he want to restrict our oil-gathering activities? Is he going to pull a Condoleeza Rice on us and say we must be peaceful? This Bush made me laugh. He said Russia had no right to invade Georgia in order to protect our borders because it is no longer 1968. I said: “You are right; it is not 1968. But it is quite close to 2003, the year you invaded Iraq in order to protect your borders.” What goes for you goes for Russia, Mr. President. Thankfully this new President Obama has focused his energy on problems at home. This is what the President Bush should have done. Instead, he wasted all resources on foreign adventures. He even made me angry and I threatened to aim nuclear weapons at Poland. What an idiot. This Bush said he could “look into my soul” when he met me at a Ranch in 2001. To be blunt: О моей душе вы ничеґо не знаете—about my soul you know nothing. In fact, you know nothing about many things, dear President Bush.

Here in Russia we consider important questions. But in America you talk about Chris Brown. What is the meaning of this? During Cold War, you spoke about spying and nuclear submarines. Now you speak all day about Rikhanna and Chris Brown. You pose serious questions about whether this young “khip-khop artist” should face criminal charges for hitting a woman. Is this important State policy? Shouldn’t you be asking what we Russians are doing? Yes, we would like to be your friends if you treated us with respect. With new President Obama, you have chance to normalize relations with Russian Federation. But no, you would prefer to talk about “khip-khop Star” and private college youth basketball tourney. Этоґо я не понимаю—I don’t understand it. I suppose you can talk about whatever you want, but if I were U.S. President, I would be thinking about European alliances and oil reserves, not Chris Brown and his big gold chains. So what he did not appear at Grammy’s? Is this important State business? And so what about Rikhanna? She is cultural ambassador to Republic of Barbados. Is American relationship with Barbados more important than relationship with Russian Federation? Какую глупость я никогда не увидел—such stupidity I have never seen.

Сейчас у меня идея—Now I have an idea. While you Americans fixate your attention on March Madness and Chris Brown, I will instigate actions in Ukraine and Poland. I understand also that Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia express interest in rejoining the Russian Federation. While you Americans talk about Rikhanna and “khip-khop Stars” who dress in oversize sport T-Shirts, I will quietly move into Belarus, Georgia and Kazakhstan. After all, you are too concerned about Chris Brown to worry about what Russia is doing in Central Asia. With luck, you will not even notice when I move nuclear weapons closer to the Polish border. What do you care about Poland? You would rather talk about spring training baseball and new Justin Timberlake MTV premiere.

I am pleased that I no longer have to deal with President Bush. Although he supplied me with many opportunities for jokes, it really got to be bothersome dealing with him and the Condoleeza Rice after a while. It is, after all, difficult to speak with people of low intelligence who take instructions from Baptist Church instead of reason. This Obama will be more interesting. He is an educated man. He is a lawyer, not a failed oil excavator who later found religion. I, too, am a lawyer by trade. Perhaps I will see this man in a better light than his predecessor. I do not know yet. He says he wants to reform American free market system. Here in Russia, we have free market system with some modifications. This Obama probably will not like our modifications. And he probably will not like the fact that we now increase the size of our Armed Forces. Who knows what he will do. I will simply look at him suspiciously. I look at everything suspiciously. Just look at my eyes. I trust nothing and no one. Я просто подосрителный человек—I am just a suspicious person.

In a way, I am thankful for this Chris Brown. He gives me now opportunity to consolidate my plans in Georgia, Eastern Europe and in the Arctic. The less interference I receive from United States, the better. Let the Americans worry about Rikhanna’s face and Chris Brown’s prison term. They can listen to the “khip-khop” song “Run It” all they want while I move soldiers into Kiev and Riga. Americans are easily distracted. I will take advantage of their distraction to restore Russia to its rightful place. Soon there will again be two superpowers, not just one. As long as the Americans waste valuable resources talking about Chris Brown, Russia will grow stronger every day.

Благодарю Крису Брауну—thank you, Chris Brown. You have no idea how important you are to the geopolitical fortunes of the great Russian Federation. From the Kremlin, I say again, thank you. Your complete insignificance will actually prove significant for Russia.