CRITICAL FAILURE TO HAWK, HAGGLE AND DICKER CAUSED ECONOMIC CRASH: REPORT

YOUR ECONOMY TODAY

In a groundbreaking report issued yesterday, the Federal Trade Commission conclusively revealed the reasons behind America's persistent economic woes.

"Basically, sellers are not hawking, peddling, pushing, scalping and mongering enough," explained Commissioner Jon Leibowitz.

"But sellers aren't the only ones to blame," he continued. "Buyers, too, have critically failed to haggle, bargain, dicker and lay out cash. Combined, these selling and buying behaviors led to today's catastrophic economic climate."

Economic experts expressed shock over the report. "For several years now, we thought that the Great Recession resulted from risky loans, rising debt levels and an imploding housing market. Now, however, we see the real reasons for our hard times: A colossal failure to hawk, hock and dicker," wrote eminent economist Paul Krugman. "This is really mind-blowing news."

Commissioner Leibowitz pointed out that economic recovery will not happen until people understand why the economy failed in the first place.

"People need to see that we face a multifaceted problem. We are not just talking about mongering and haggling. True, we need car salesmen to monger more and first-time homebuyers to dicker more. But just a little mongering won't cut it. We need full-scale mongering and hawking, as well as nonstop dickering to get moving in the right direction. Americans need to start driving bargains again; and that means that sellers need to start stepping up their hawking game, too."

President Obama praised the Commissioner's report. "I'm glad we have a sense about where we need to go with our economy," he said. "For all this time, we've been quarreling about stimulus, job creation and spending limits. But now we see that what we really need to do is get people dickering again. I'm confident that Americans will be able to put country before party and really start mongering, pushing, scalping and laying out cash. This is America. We have a long history of haggling, bargaining, hawking and peddling. We have been doing these things since our earliest colonial history. We know how to hawk and haggle. We even know how to hock and pawn. This is the greatest country in the world because we have the greatest peddlers and dickerers. It's time to find our stride again."

According to the Commissioner's report, economic progress depends on more than increased mongering, haggling, bargaining and hawking. Instead, other factors will play a role, namely, behaviors within the financial services industry.

In analyzing the Recession's causes, the report also noted that reduced mongering, haggling, bargaining, hawking, pushing and scalping were matched by rampantly negative bank practices, including chicanery, hoodwinking, bamboozling, hornswoggling, rooking and wheedling. The report also observed that banks repeatedly pulled contractual wool over customers' eyes between 2004 and the market collapse in 2008.

"Put simply, our financial crisis involved unprecedented hornswoggling," Mr. Leibowitz explained. "While our free market economy has always provided ample room for hoodwinking and bamboozling, banking practices between 2004 and 2008 saw a meteoric increase in hornswoggling and wheedling. Combined with lower levels of consumer dickering, haggling and mongering, this created a perfect economic storm. We just couldn't handle it."

Despite the gloomy analysis, Mr. Leibowitz expressed hope for the future. "Understanding a crisis is necessary to solving it. Since 2009, the Federal Government has taken steps to eradicate rooking in the financial industry, and data show that wheedling has fallen dramatically. The Commission has also set up a special department to decisively root out hornswoggling. Once we eliminate that, we are confident that consumers will return to robust dickering and mongering levels."

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner concurred with the Commission's findings on the financial industry. "As a former Wall Street banker, I know that hornswoggling was the straw the broke the camel's back in 2008. When we eliminate it, I am certain that the banking industry will return to customary--and acceptable--hoodwinking and bamboozling practices."

Republicans disagreed with the Commission's analysis, claiming that hornswoggling is absolutely vital to job creation.

"I come from a background in business, and I can tell you that uninhibited hornswoggling is what made us strong," said Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. "You can't run a business or make money if you tie a manager's hands behind his back. In business, you need the freedom to hoodwink, rook, bamboozle, and most of all hornswoggle in order to deliver the highest quality goods and services. And if a business doesn’t make money, it can't create jobs."

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann objected to the report on liberty grounds. "We're a nation of liberty and laws, and you can't take away liberty from people," she explained. "People in business need more liberty than most, because they're job creators. And to be a job creator, you need all the liberty you can get. That includes the liberty to hornswoggle, hoodwink, rook and bamboozle. When government starts taking away those liberties, it's trampling our free enterprise spirit. The bottom line is that hornswoggling creates jobs and pays a lot of salaries. And it's flat-out tyranny when the Federal government says it's going to take it away."

Texas Governor Rick Perry disagreed with the Commission's findings in less abstract terms. "Look, I don't believe a word that comes from any Federal agency, least of all a Federal agency controlled by President Obama. It was President Obama who made the economy bad, and it's President Obama who has to pay for it. Simple as that."

Overall, markets responded well to the Commission's report. The DOW rose 1.9% on data indicating a modest rise in dickering, a strong rise in haggling, an encouraging rise in hawking and a remarkable rise in bamboozling.

For their part, consumers expressed hope for the future. "If all it takes for me to me to help the economy is to haggle and dicker a little more, I'm willing to do my part," said freelance handyman Willie Williams of Ozone Park, New York.

THE HEIGHT OF DISINGENUOUSNESS : INVESTMENT BANKS "MAKING A DIFFERENCE"

OESTERHOUDT STRIKES

Last week, I took a walk in Brooklyn. As I made my way up Tillary Street past Flatbush Avenue, I noticed an incredible commercial message from Charles Schwab adorning a bus stop: "We want to make a difference, not just a buck. Let's make a difference together."

I beg your pardon? Do investment houses really care about making anything more than a buck? Why do people invest money in the first place? To turn one buck into two or more bucks. It's all about making bucks. If investing makes any "difference," it's a differential between the amount invested and the amount returned. And everyone wants that differential to be positive.

But let's leave investors aside for a moment. Let's focus on the institutional guys. You know, the investment bankers who craft bewildering "portfolios" designed to churn fees and hopefully yield a nifty profit for the client. Now, an investment banker exists to do two things: (1) To maximize the monetary return on a client's investment; and (2) To maximize his own fees by selecting appropriate transactions. To be blunt, it is all about money. In fact, investment bankers are more than mere employees; they are fiduciaries. They must subordinate their own interests to their clients' interests. They can even be sued for failing to make enough money, because that shows "they did not sufficiently have their clients interests at heart."

In that light, it is preposterous for Charles Schwab to suggest that investment bankers care about anything more than "making a buck." If they cared about anything else--like "making a difference"--they would lose their jobs, clients and everything else they value.

And what does "making a difference" really mean? Have investment houses suddenly lost their collective minds? Do they want to open soup kitchens or something? Do they want to build houses for the homeless? How about pay for health care for indigents? Is that the kind of "social difference" they want to make? The phrase "making a difference" implies broader service to the public, or even ethical purity. It rings with selfless nobility. Yet such things are completely antithetical to an investment house's primary mission: To make profits for themselves and their private clients. There is nothing "public" or "noble" about that enterprise.

Recent stock market scandals only weaken Charles Schwab's pitiful attempt to appear altruistic. Did Lehman Bros. care about "making a difference" when they lured investors into placing money on a housing market they bet would fail? The bottom line is that people expect investment bankers to engage in dirty dealing. It is par for the course. Worse, most investors would prefer their bankers to engage in the most barely legal conduct possible so long as that conduct yields a maximal return. That is what it means to "make a buck," not "a difference."

Commerce is about making bucks, not a difference. That is just the way it works. And it is the height of disingenuousness for anyone to suggest otherwise, let alone massive investment banks that personify the commercial spirit. If investment banks choose to "make a difference," chances are they do so in order to gain tax advantages, not to soothe their conscience.

Put thematically, the clash between "making a buck" and "making a difference" is a clash between commerce and ethics. It is also a clash between ends and means. Commerce is about ends; ethics is about means. A commercial man only cares about the bottom line, no matter how he gets there (provided he does not risk criminal sanction). An ethical man cares about the way he achieves his goal. When a person commits to making bucks, he has a distinctly result-oriented motive. But when a person wishes to make a difference in the ethical sense, he is as much concerned about the way he brings about positive change as he is concerned about the change itself.

In commerce, means are secondary. Investment houses like Charles Schwab know that. If it suddenly adopted "making a difference" as its primary business model, its clients would leave in droves. And the company's shareholders would angrily vote off the "insane" directors who approved such an idiotic way to do business. In their place, the shareholders would quickly appoint directors with a more sensible business model, namely: "Making a buck."

And the new directors would immediately yank those ridiculous posters from the bus stops.

Hey, at least they would be honest.

STOP WHINING ; START WORKING

GET A JOB, WILL YOU?

By : Mr. Curtis J. Walters, B.A., Senior Recruiting Officer, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold, P.C., a Fortune 400 Accounting Firm Specializing in Corporate Finance.

Since September, it has been increasingly difficult for Americans to find employment. Despite their zeal to work, unskilled laborers, recent college grads and even highly educated professionals struggle to find jobs. Cascading losses in the stock market erased decades of gains, vaporizing corporate capital, endangering pension plans and forcing companies to tighten their financial belts. In short, there is not as much money to go around as there was a year ago. And when there is not enough money in corporate budgets, employees get cut. In most cases, employee cuts have nothing to do with employee quality; companies just do not have enough money to both keep paying people wages and maintain suitable shareholder returns. When it comes between employee wages and shareholder returns, there is only one conceivable winner: Shareholder returns. In our economy, shareholders are more important than wage-earners. Shareholders have capital to invest. Capital is necessary to create employment in the first place. Thus, shareholders deserve greater consideration than the employees their money creates.

But there is hope for job-seekers all over the country. Today, I am pleased to announce some good news for employees. For the first time since September, Lynch, Scrupple, Penny & Gold is hiring. We are proud to offer employment opportunities at a time when many companies cannot fathom the thought of additional expenditures. We support American workers because American workers are the best at what they do. We also understand that American workers like working. Working gives them a sense of purpose and direction in life. At Lynch Scrupple, we salute American workers for their ethic and dedication. We are pleased to offer them an opportunity to provide vigorous service for a major company. We recognize that unemployment is bad. That is why we are doing our part to help solve the problem.

Lynch Scrupple can hire because we are innovators. Other companies do not hire because they cannot escape traditional thinking about employment. They think they do not have enough capital to invest in new employees. They think they need money to hire. Put simply, they assume that you need to pay employees. But at Lynch Scrupple, we think boldly. We believe that we can hire and expand our business without losing capital because we are flexible enough to buck tradition. We are innovators. We do not imprison ourselves in the past. When it comes to employment, we are progressive.

So what exactly do we do? We no longer pay our new hires. Rather, we offer them the opportunity to render dedicated service for a Fortune 400 corporation. We offer real-world work experience without wages, benefits or opportunities for promotion. Instead, we translate our workers’ efforts into real returns for our shareholders without a corresponding outlay in wages. We offer jobs to anyone who wants to work. But we make it clear from the outset that we will not pay people for their work. We acknowledge that Americans want to work. We give them that opportunity. We simply do not pay them for their labor. Since initiating our “pay-free” employment program, we have received a veritable flood of applications. In this market, beggars can’t be choosers. It is not 1999; it is 2009. Quite simply, employees today understand that it is unreasonable to expect wages, pay, salary and compensation from their employers. Employers have pressing problems of their own; employees understand that employers cannot afford luxuries such as wages anymore.

We find it admirable that modern job seekers recognize corporate problems. Unlike selfish workers in years past, modern employees put their employers’ needs before their own. They do not make obscene demands for pay, benefits, safe working conditions or equal promotion opportunities. Rather, modern employees take simple joy in service. They just want a job, whether it pays or not. They simply want a place to show up every morning and to render service until the late afternoon. Pay is a 20th Century concept, and 21st Century employees do not expect it. They know that jobs are scarce. They are willing to make compromises. Further, they understand that they would have no job at all if they demanded wages. After all, companies today could not survive if they had to pay their new employees. If companies wasted their money on employees, that money would not make its way to the shareholders. And if the shareholders do not make enough money, they will bail out on their investments, destroying the company. In this sense, employees understand that they must forgo pay in order to sustain the economy. We praise modern employees for their selflessness and dedication to service.

Dutiful modern employees do not expect pay or benefits. But there remain workers who cannot adjust their thinking to 21st Century commercial realities. These workers demand pay, health insurance, safe working conditions, air conditioning in the summer, heat in the winter and even flex pay for transit to and from work. They demand overtime, holiday pay, family leave, maternity leave, lunch breaks, seats, vacations, income credits, discrimination-free opportunities and promotions. Put simply, these old-fashioned thinkers will never get a job in today’s market. They can demand all they want; they will stay unemployed. Millions of eager young employees are lining up to work without pay and benefits. Why would a company hire some incorrigible old bat who demands pay when it could just as easily hire a fanatical college graduate who is willing to work 80 hours a week without pay to do the same job? It is simple mathematics: The free employee generates income for the company without a corresponding outlay in wages. The salaried employee, by contrast, generates the same income for the company, but costs money to sustain. In today’s market, any expense is too much. That is why these old-fashioned employees will never get a job today. Modern employees take satisfaction in service; old-fashioned employees serve only themselves. In today’s market, there is no room for selfishness. Modern employees understand that.

We are proud to offer employment opportunities to Americans during these dark economic times. Additionally, we are proud to provide dignified, rewarding work to all those who want to serve. We have a place for everyone in our organization. Unlike other companies, we do not mistreat our employees. We do not beat or torture delinquent workers, nor do we forcibly muzzle employees for talking too much on the job. Unlike other companies, we do not force workers to jump out windows or walk on hot coals to please their supervisors. Rather, we simply provide desks, chairs, computers, telephones, fax machines, paper, file cabinets and electricity necessary to carry out company business. We do not pay our employees or provide benefits; but we do not physically torture them, either. While we might inflict mental torture from time to time, that is a bearable workplace burden. And compared to unemployment, mental torture at work is a light burden. Every American worker knows that mental torture while employed is superior to tranquility while unemployed. Employment represents a reward in itself. Every American would rather suffer mental torture at work than sit unemployed at home. Americans have a purpose. When they are unemployed, they are not fulfilling it.

We provide Americans the means to fulfill their purpose. At the same time, we reinvigorate the economy by spurring shareholder satisfaction and company growth. By rethinking the employment paradigm in America, we make everybody happy. We make the employee happy by offering a place to escape unemployment. We make the shareholders happy by generating profits without a corresponding increase in expenses. Finally, we make the country happy by revitalizing the economy through increased overall company profit, which in turn translates into higher tax revenue and capital investment.

We do all this merely by refusing to pay our employees. Contrary to all expectations, modern American workers did not recoil from Lynch Scrupple’s new business model. They did not run away when we announced that they would no longer receive pay for their work. Rather, they rallied to us. They redoubled their efforts. They took psychic satisfaction—and remuneration—in company service alone. They showed us that they were not working for us “just for the money;” they were working for us because they love service. In short, we have happy, productive employees even though they receive no money for their work. They are happy to be working. Anything beats unemployment, even demeaning employment without pay, benefits or opportunity for advancement. After all, unemployment is the ultimate indignity. When Americans are unemployed, they feel that they are failing in their life mission. Unpaid work is better than no work at all.

In these dark times, we are proud to provide a means for Americans to escape the specter of unemployment. Our workers reflect their gratitude for our confidence in them with boundless productivity. They are thankful that we saved them from unemployment. When everyone told them it was impossible to get a job in today’s market, we defied the odds. We gave them work. We might not pay them or give them air conditioning. We might even require women to come back to work the day after giving birth. But at least our employees can say: “I work for Lynch Scrupple.” That sure beats saying: “I am unemployed.” In America, any job is better than no job. That is what we believe. And we believe in America’s workers.

Are you out of work? Are you feeling desperate? Have people told you that you will never get a job? We won’t deny that times are tough. But if you believe in yourself, you can find employment. The search begins with you. Don’t think like a 20th Century man. Get real. It’s 2009; nobody gets paid anymore. If you are holding out for a job with pay, benefits, vacations and a future, stop deluding yourself. Be modern. Join us at Lynch Scrupple. We can use you. Submit an application today—and escape unemployment tomorrow. It’s time to look at employment in a whole new way—a modern way.

THANK YOU LETTER FROM AIG EXECUTIVES TO PRESIDENT OBAMA

Dear President Obama,

My name is Mr. Herbert F. Lessmann. I am a Senior Fund President in American International Group’s (AIG) financial products department. Although AIG is primarily an insurance company, in recent years we built a solid reputation consolidating loans and other financial products for industries worldwide. Unfortunately, last year we discovered that our collateral was not as robust as we would have liked and our entire business almost collapsed. Thankfully, the Federal government intervened to keep our company afloat. With the Federal money, we once again have resumed issuing credit-default swaps and other financial products intended to stimulate capital growth in a new economy.

Federal money also helped award me a $9,500,000 bonus for 2008. True, my fund caused millions of private owners to lose their homes in the subprime mortgage debacle, but I am a skilled financial manager. AIG’s Board of Directors knows top performers when they see them, and I am no exception. Under company contracts I signed in early 2008, the Board promised to pay me a bonus if my fund sold at least 120,000 financial products in Fiscal 2008. My fund sold 121,107 financial products in Fiscal 2008. For that reason, the Board was obligated to pay my bonus. At one point late last year, it appeared that the company would fold and I would not get my bonus. But then the Federal money came in, and now I will get the bonus I deserve. I worked hard for that bonus. Mr. President, thank you so much for allocating the funds needed to reward me for my hard work on behalf of American families.

I am so glad that I received my bonus. For a while, I was genuinely nervous that I would only receive my annual salary of $4,000,000 in 2008. My wife was especially concerned because she is redecorating our kitchen, and she was counting on my bonus to bring in the best marble cutters from Italy to get the job done. Additionally, my son has been bothering me about buying him a new Lamborghini. His friends at Whipporwhill Academy have been teasing him about it, and it’s only fair that he gets what he wants. After all, he got a C+ in biology, and I promised I would buy him any car he wanted if he got at least a C in that class. Promises are promises, and contracts are contracts. How could I go back on my word? How could I not honor my obligation to my son? Mr. President, thank you very much for allowing AIG to honor its obligation to me, and for allowing me to honor my obligations to my son and wife. We will put that money to good use.

Your administration is doing a great job. You understand that America’s companies need great managers, and great managers do not stay at their jobs without great bonuses. Although I disagree in principle with government bailouts, I have no objections when government bailouts are necessary to pay my bonus. I voted against you in the November election, Mr. President. But since then I have come to see my error. You said that you wanted to treat “Main Street” as well as “Wall Street.” However, I know now that you are not some closet communist. You knew that taking care of Wall Street actually takes care of Main Street, too. When you took care of me, you ensured that I would keep doing my job for American homeowners everywhere. I need a $9,500,000 bonus because I am worth it. I sell mortgage-backed securities and credit-default swaps to banks all over the world. I enable people to get rich and live in dream homes. True, the economy collapsed last year, but that was not my fault. I am no Bernie Madoff. I never stole from anyone. I just tried to help people make more money than they already had.

My bonus money will go to good use. Because you helped me get my bonus, I think it’s only fair that I tell you what I plan to do with it. First, I will put about $2,000,000 in my personal medium-yield money market. Then I will put another $1,500,000 in my kids’ special trust fund so they can buy things they want while I am at work. Third, I will take $1,000,000 and go on a nice month-long vacation with my wife in Maui. That will be very nice; I need to relax after all the anxiety about my bonus. Not only that, vacations help me stay focused. American homeowners need me to be productive in order to help them make money. Next, I will take $2,000,000 as a down payment for my daughter’s new home in Manhattan. She can’t live just anywhere; I need to find her a place on Park Avenue on the Upper East Side. I can’t worry about my daughter. With the remaining $3,000,000, I will buy my son’s Lamborghini and pay for my wife’s kitchen renovation. That will leave some cash for jewelry, new suits, antiques, maybe an armchair and a sofa. It all depends on what my wife wants to do.

You know what you’re doing, Mr. President. Money spent on executive bonuses is always money well spent. After all, our economy depends on men like me. We know the ups and downs. We don’t get frazzled every time the DJI drops a few hundred points. We stay in there and sell our products, come hell or high water. We are financial experts and we have hard lives. It is not easy to manage the fortunes of millions of Americans. We are more important to the average American than religion or mental health. We make money for people, and money creates jobs. To that extent, we deserve every penny we make. If we do not receive bonuses, we will not be able to rescue our economy. In these dark times, our economy needs bold business leaders, not defeatists. And bold business leaders do not work for small-time pay. It would be unfair to us and to the American people if we do not receive the bonuses we deserve. Well-paid executives do what is right for America. By paying us well, you guarantee a better future for America. That is what the President is supposed to do, isn’t it?

In sum, I was wrong about you, Mr. President. You are not some bleeding heart socialist who wants to provide top-notch medical care to beggars and criminals. No, you spend money where it should be spent: On executive compensation. Against all opposition, you earmarked funds intended to save AIG from destruction. In the process, you paid the executives who make this country run. That is a bailout in the word’s truest sense, because when we get our bonuses, everyone survives. I can promise you that our economy will recover. I can also promise you that I will really enjoy the money you gave me. Have you ever received a $9,500,000 check for talking on the phone, sitting in conference rooms and looking at computer screens for a year straight? Let me tell you, it feels good. Really good. I know you probably like your job, but you don’t get $9,500,000 every year in addition to a $4,000,000 salary. Well, to each his own.

I know that people will give you a hard time when they hear that I received my bonus. Don’t listen to them. You know that fixing the economy begins with paying the important guys. People will say that it’s wrong to reward men who got us into this pickle in the first place. All lies. We did no such thing; there is no way we could have predicted that the economy would fall apart last year. Risk comes with our trade. The market rises and falls. Does that mean we should not get paid for putting our necks on the block every day? Of course not. We drive the economy because we take risks. If we did not take risks, no one would succeed. No one wins when everyone plays it safe. People want winners, not wet noodles. Sure, we invested in some risky mortgages, but our clients wanted big returns. And you can’t get big returns without taking some chances. We get paid because we take the risks that everyone wants us to take. You understand that. You understand that we need bonuses to feel good about our work, whether we win or lose. We are risk-takers. We deserve high pay for that. Consider it hazard pay. Put simply, Americans don’t want wimps controlling their financial lives. They want brazen, sword-swinging, throat-cutting financial swashbucklers who go for the treasure chest, not the penny pouch.

That is what we do. We go for the treasure chest. When we get the booty, everybody gets some. And no one complains when the market is good. When we receive bonuses, we stay hungry. When we’re hungry, we swashbuckle for America. You know that, Mr. President. That is why you guaranteed that we received our bonuses this year. Swashbucklers don’t swashbuckle for free. America needs us. You need us.

Thank you very much for paying our bonuses. Good luck during the rest of your term.

Sincerely,


Herbert F. Lessmann

Senior Fund President, American International Group
Financial Products Department
The Billion Bunch® Honorary Key Holder 2007

SOLVING THE FINANCIAL CRISIS : GERMAN-STYLE

By : Chancellor Otto von Bismarck (deceased 1898; resurrected 2009), Imperial German Parliamentary Leader; Inventor of Modern-Day Pension Fund System; Statesman; Critic of Weak and Vacillating Political Action

I am here at the request of the so-called “American Treasury Secretary” named Geithner. According to my preliminary briefing, I understand that your Nation faces a financial crisis. I am informed that your securities markets collapsed following a widespread public credit deterioration (weitverbreitetes öffentliches Kreditverderben). Please forgive me if I sometimes use German constructions to explain myself. Your weak and insubstantial English at times does not possess the conceptual clarity to correctly analyze the problem. In such situations I will also write in German to express my true meaning.

Let me say first that I am glad to be here. I promise to bring effective German solutions to your American crisis. We will overcome this crisis with discipline, sweat, toil, strength and determination. I will not stand for anything other than total victory (Endsieg). In Germany, I united a Nation and forged the greatest economy ever seen in Europe. I have encountered worse problems than yours. I will restore your Nation to prosperity. And I will punish the falsifiers (Verfälscher), rogues (Schurken) and banker terrorists (Bankier-Terroristen) who brought this calamity upon you. None shall escape my justice.

I understand that your financial markets collapsed because you extended too much credit. Your Geithner tells me that any peasant could obtain a loan to buy a mansion or a plasma screen television. Then your banks were surprised that these peasants could not pay back their loans. Why? Your banks should have known that these people could not pay their loans. In Germany, the Staatskasse does not give loans to people who cannot pay them back. If a German cannot afford a television, the Staatskasse does not give him money to buy it. Your American banks did not have discipline. They loaned money so they could boost their stock values and conceal their liabilities. They acted like banker terrorists and scoundrels (Lumpe). In Germany, I made sure that banker terrorists did not rule our people. I firmly brought them under my control. Under my plan, I will carefully monitor banks to ensure that they are honest. I will create a Bank Supervisory Committee (Bankaufsichtsvorstand) to carefully check their books every month. I will tolerate no fraud or misrepresentation. If I suspect that a bank is loaning money to boost its own accounts despite a borrower’s poor financial health, I will call that bank before the Bank Discipline Board (Bankdisziplinaufsichtsrat). I will impose fines on these scoundrels and publicly declare them Banker Terrorists. Borrowers do not deserve to suffer for the machinations of Banker Terrorists. Under my regime, aggrieved borrowers will have a right to cancel unfair mortgages with Banker Terrorists.

I will take swift action. Your so-called “Congress” takes far too long to act. I will immediately discipline the banking industry. We do not have time to debate. We must advance all along the line. We will not retreat. You rapacious Bank Terrorists (Ihr raubenslustigen Bank-Terroristen)! You deserve to be disciplined. How could you let your greed blind you to the good of this Nation? Didn’t you see that the People could not afford the homes you sold them? Instead, you thought about yourselves. Yes, the government now gives you bailout money. But you will not get away so easily under me. You will publicly appear before the People on national television and beg forgiveness for your greed. I will personally reprimand you for being undisciplined rogues and have you whipped for insolence. We will not solve this crisis unless you Americans change your greedy ways. I will make an example out of these greedy Banker Terrorists and ruthless Money Pirates (willkürliche Geldpiraten).

In Germany, I invigorated the economy by intertwining government aid with economic enterprise. I knew that I could not allow private labor barons (Arbeitsbarone) to do what they wanted all the time. That is why I instituted rigorous government oversight in business. I imposed minimum wage and child labor laws. I permitted collective bargaining and I even provided State health insurance because I knew that private business would not. I created a government pension fund in 1884 so that old people would not go into poverty. The Imperial German government understood that it represents the People; and we had an obligation to care for the people. Yet here the government does not do enough to care for the people. You let businesses run free and let workers go without medical care. You merciless industry captains (Ihr unbarmherzigen Industriehauptmänner)! You wonder why the Nation is in crisis. I will tell you: Because you only thought about yourselves! You have no discipline. You did not consider how your actions would affect the People. You have no sense of honor or shame. Yes, the government needs you. But you also have obligations to the government and the People. Under my regime, I will scrutinize you. No longer will you be concerned solely with profit. Now you must publicly account for yourselves. If you do not, I will have you paraded shirtless in front of your workers and flogged. That will put some discipline into you, you greedy scoundrel (Du gieriger Lump)!

Recently your government agreed to pay $782 billion to help floundering banks and companies. You also allocated funds to provide for increased government health care and unemployment insurance. This is a good step, but you must do more. If you had been more disciplined in the beginning, you would not have been in this position. But there is no use debating the past. Today we confront a Depression and we have no time to bicker. We will overcome this mess with blood and iron. That means we must stand up to the problem and bravely fight it. That means the government must spend money in order to save the People from ruin. What good will your government be if the People are destitute? They will overthrow you unless you do something now.

Your Republicans do not seem to understand that. Are you mad? You do not want the government to take action to confront this economic crisis? You do not want to spend any money? How do you propose that we rescue banks and employers? By sitting around and talking about tax cuts? You cowards! I do not like spending money, either. But in these circumstances we do not have the luxury to fantasize about unbridled free market virtues. Yes, it would be nice to cut taxes to allow more enterprise. Yet if we do that now, the People would starve. I believe in reason. Reason dictates that we take immediate, reassuring action to help the People. The People must believe in their government again. You, on the other hand, want the government to do nothing to ease the People’s plight. Rather, you want to send a philosophical message that spending is bad and tax cuts are good. You idiots, this is no time for abstract philosophizing! We must act. I did not philosophize in the War with Austria or France. I did what was necessary. Furthermore, I understand that at times we must spend money even if we do not wish to spend money. This is no time to advocate small government. Small government allowed these Banker Terrorists and Money Pirates to ruin your economy. Surely you do not advocate allowing them to do it again? Step aside, you unreasonable cowards. I have a Nation to save.

I have a conservative reputation. You Republicans probably cannot believe that I am siding with your President Obama on these matters. I may be a conservative, but I am not stupid. In fact, I believe that your President must go further to clean up this wretched free market mess (unverschämte Freimarktschweinerei). In Germany, I created a large, activist government. I introduced government spending programs that would make your conservative blood boil. I did this because I understood that government does not rise and fall with the wealthy; it rises and falls with the entire population. Not everyone can succeed in a free market economy. That is why the government must provide a safety net to protect those who fall through. If the government does not care for its People, Depressions like this will shake popular support. Why do you think I allowed for pension funds, health care, unemployment insurance and welfare? I hated to spend money, but I did not want a revolution on my hands. Capitalism is a good system, but unless you mix some socialism in with it, your government will fall with the stock market. By caring for the People, you can immunize your government from popular dissent. And why is the government here if not to represent and defend the People? Don’t you Americans believe that? I will force you to start acting like you do.

I will restore public faith in the government through discipline and strength. You summoned me to help save you. I will root out the Banker Terrorists and greedy Money Pirates who advanced themselves at your expense. I will harshly discipline dogs like Bernard Madoff who destroyed your faith in the stock market. Put simply, I will bring order to your lawless financial markets. You have seen what happens when you allow Banker Terrorists to police themselves. Never again. Under my regime, I will swiftly bring these pirates to justice. With discipline, you soon will be able to borrow money without fear. You will again be able to shop for items you can afford. You will be able to pay your rent and go to the doctor when you must. And through wise government intervention, you will have employment.

Do not fear government intervention. I have the strength to do what must be done in this crisis. Unlike your slow-moving Congress, I will scrap ideas that do not work. Unlike your Republicans, I will not cling to free market aspirations because those aspirations almost sank the whole ship. If government must spend money to rescue the Nation, then I will spend money. This is not undisciplined; this is reasonable. I may be harsh, but I am fair. To business owners, bankers and commercial men, I say you have nothing to fear. You will still make your profits. I will simply closely watch you to make sure you do not pillage the People. Finally, if your Supreme Court tries to stand in my way, I will discipline each Justice by forcing them to stand before the Nation and individually explain why they are obstructing our recovery efforts. This is a life-or-death struggle; we do not have time to ruminate. We must act now without worrying about what some American jurist has to say about it.

I will not allow this Nation to disgrace itself. Rather, I will break it back into line like an unruly soldier. Americans, this financial crisis will not destroy you. With blood, iron and effort, I will establish a new financial order. This is no longer about petty profits and free market excess. This is about total victory for all (Endsieg für alle). Achtung! Ein neuer Tag dämmert auf! (A new day is dawning!). Are you ready for it? I am here to crush the Banker Terrorists and Money Pirates who ruined your lives. Rally behind me for discipline and German solutions that work. Would you rather suffer with half-measures, political bickering and vacillation? Certainly not. You want jobs, health care and a stable stock market. I will give them all to you—quickly. And I will punish all who threaten to undermine the new economic Reich.

Enough discussion. We must get to work now.

PUNISHING BERNARD MADOFF

DEATH IS NOT ENOUGH

By : Mr. Francis G. Raeder, Ph.D., Policy Director, The Retribution Association of America, Inc.

Bernard Madoff stole $50 billion. That is correct: $50 billion. He plundered innocent investors all over the world, from elementary school pension funds to charities to Fortune 500 retirement accounts, leaving bankruptcy, desperation and broken lives in his wake. Although he has not yet faced trial for his crimes, he is the worst sort of criminal: A defrauder. Through deceit, he ruined countless lives. He has caused incalculable pain, uncertainty and suffering to millions. He must be punished. But he has only one life to give. There must be some way to make him pay more for his fraud.

Americans depend on the stock market for their financial security. Without orderly markets, they would not be able to finance their retirements, their educations or even their monthly expenses. In America, we believe in financial independence; we reject governmental assistance. We make our own money. We depend on our own investments to sustain our financial lives. When market swindlers filch our money, they rob not just our savings, but also our independence. They take away our trust and betray their loyalties. Thieves are bad because they disrespect property. But Judas burned in hell because he betrayed a solemn relationship. In America, investors had a solemn relationship with Bernard Madoff. Like Judas, he betrayed that relationship for personal gain. And like Judas, we demand blood for his treachery.

Law embodies our beliefs as a society. When we punish a criminal, we attempt to tailor his suffering to the blameworthiness of his conduct. To that extent, we express our condemnation for his conduct. We give petty thieves 1 year in prison, but we give car thieves 6 years. Why? We agree that all stealing is bad, but it is worse to steal something worth more money. Amounts matter. We give rapists 15 years in prison, but we electrocute murderers. Why? Because it is worse to kill a person than merely to sexually defile one. The law reflects our moral judgments. If we punish something more severely, it means we hate the conduct more. We want greater revenge.

Bernard Madoff did not commit petty theft. He did not steal a car, either. Nor did he rape or kill. He did something far worse: He betrayed our trust, then stole $50 billion. That is an incomprehensible amount. That amount represents the lives, dreams and ambitions of millions of Americans. Stealing is bad, but stealing $50 billion stands in a class by itself. Madoff stole more than money. He stole lives, futures, hope and trust. He ruined fortunes and vaporized inheritances. He condemned old women to poverty and heirs to low-wage work. Most Americans would rather lose a cousin or even a sister than their savings. Madoff may not have killed a person, but he killed people’s savings. In our view, that is a far worse offense. Americans spend their whole lives working, making money and saving. Respectable sources tell them that saving is good. They live, work and save responsibly all their lives. Then Madoff pulls the rug out from under them. All their toils now mean nothing. He attacked the very fabric of American life. He has cast doubt on the responsible way Americans learn to live their lives. For that, he must suffer accordingly. This is no ordinary killer. This man assassinated the entire “American life program” in cold financial blood.

How can we proceed against this assassin? We have charged him with “securities fraud,” a crime that does not carry a death sentence. In fact, it does not even carry a life prison term. We can force him to repay all the money he stole, but he has already spent most of it. There is no way he can truly make amends to the millions of responsible Americans whose financial lives he killed. No “justice” can avenge his betrayal. No fine, penalty or fee can inflict the misery on him that he inflicted on America. Defrauded Americans deserve to revisit some suffering on Bernard Madoff. Even if the law allowed the federal government to put Madoff to death, he would face far too easy a road. He would merely be transported into a sterile chamber, injected with two intravenous tubes, then pumped full of toxic chemicals. He would slip peacefully into oblivion, leaving all his victims behind to live in financial hell. Put simply, in Bernard Madoff’s case, death is not enough.

We believe that Bernard Madoff must suffer more than any criminal has ever suffered in America. To accomplish that goal, we must suspend the Constitution’s ban on “cruel and unusual punishments.” U.S. Const. Amd. 8. We must allow the public to participate in Bernard Madoff’s punishment, because he injured the public. History provides an ample guide in this regard. Until the 18th Century, French, German and Russian monarchs applied a penalty called “breaking on the wheel.” This method involves lashing the prisoner—naked, and in public—to a large wooden or iron wheel. An executioner then takes a heavy steel mallet and strategically smashes the prisoner’s bones, beginning with the ankles and feet. In order to prolong the procedure, the executioner can administer only one hit per hour, or one hit per day, leaving the prisoner to suffer with his injuries until the next encounter. All the while, the public can watch him writhe, scream, bleed and despair.

We believe it is time to revive this practice. America deserves a chance to make Bernard Madoff suffer for his indescribable crimes against the financial order. Individual investors are not going to get their money back, nor will Madoff’s death in a private chamber make them feel any better about their loss. Defrauded investors should have a chance to repay Madoff for his deceit. We should allow each investor a chance to smash one of Madoff’s bones. We should allow penniless widows to vent their despair on Madoff in the most personal way possible: With an iron mallet. Every investor who lost money with Madoff must file a petition to participate in the punishment ceremony, and every news network—especially the financial markets networks—must broadcast the ceremony for all to see. This is the only way we can assure Americans that the government cares about their money. And it is the only moral way we can show ourselves that we do not tolerate financial treachery that undermines responsible saving.

In his Inferno, Dante Alighieri reserved the lowest level in hell for traitors. We think he was right. Bernard Madoff is the worst of the worst. He deserves not only to die for his massive fraud, but also to suffer the most ignominious end humanly possible. It would be perverse to execute a worthless beggar for an inconsequential killing, yet allow this financial mass murderer to escape a horrible death for exterminating Americans’ money. We must send a message that it is worse to kill $50 billion in savings than it is to kill a homeless person. Under the law, a fraud artist like Madoff faces a comfortable prison term, yet any murderer faces capital punishment, no matter how unimportant the victim. Here, Madoff victimized America’s financial lifeblood. He deserves a penalty far worse than someone who merely killed a person without savings. If we do not send a clear message that savings plunder will not be tolerated, we undermine the very reasons why Americans live. We must not allow that to happen.

If you care about work, savings, fidelity, honest markets, responsibility and justice, tell your Congressman today: “Break Bernie Madoff on the wheel.” It is the only way to punish him for his atrocities.

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

Think about today's "financial crisis" on Wall Street. Now consider this quote from a French workers' pamphlet dated November 1842:

"Are you not afraid that the poor man put into the dock for snatching a piece of bread from a baker's stall will not, one day, become so enraged that stone by stone he will demolish the Stock Exchange, a wild den where the treasure of the State and the fortune of families are stolen with impunity?"

Today, we are paying the price for tolerating the "wild den" of Wall Street. Yet it is doubtful that we will ever see the "wild animals" punished for their recklessness. Politicians and pundits will continue playing the blame game about the credit crunch. Some will blame the borrowers for "living beyond their means." Others will blame the bankers for "predatory lending." No matter where we point the finger, chances are our society will not take action against criminal bankers. It will take strong action against petty street thieves, but it will not dethrone the financial barons. There are two species of crime at work here, but the law will only address one.

From what I understand, the "bailout plan" essentially invokes the sentiments expressed in the 1842 quote. Those who populate the "wild den" of the Stock Exchange will get away scot free. Indeed, the Federal government is paying to cover their own foolish extravagance. But what about the common man who suffered from that extravagance? He is forgotten. It is "his responsibility" to deal with the crisis. He is not getting any bailout money. He will go homeless, and no one really cares.

There is a fundamental injustice at work in this crisis. Both rich and poor have erred, but only the poor will bear the consequences. Will that not inspire rage? Yes--I think it already has generated some genuine discontent. But will it be enough to cause people to "demolish the Stock Exchange stone for stone?" Probably not. It should, but probably not. Why?

There will be no armed revolts in this country for the same reason this country is safe from revolution: There are not enough truly dissatisfied people suffering truly unbearable circumstances. Just as important, there are enough sufficiently satisfied people who believe that, even though things are bad, they prefer the status quo and their material advantages to risking all for an uncertain new system. Revolutions only happen when a "critical mass" of people truly feel that their way of life is threatened. That has not happened yet.

Now, if more and more crises befall us and more and more people truly feel desperate, I might alter my prognosis. Still, without massive pressures such as invasion, war, pestilence or egregious State violence, armed revolt is unlikely. Historically, economic turmoil commonly accompanies revolutionary spirit, but it is rarely sufficient to bring about actual revolt. In Weimar Germany, the Depression was coupled with massive material and human loss from a devastating war, as well as fallout from an unfair peace treaty. In revolutionary France, economic hardship was coupled with grotesque governmental excesses and pressure from foreign interventions. In revolutionary Russia, economic ruin was coupled with mass starvation, invasion and millions of war dead.

We only face a temporary economic panic. We have not met the dramatic preconditions for rebellion. Too many people are still too satisfied with their lives.

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Free Traders’ Association to Abolish the SEC and Prosecute its Current and Former Employees as Enemies of Commerce

By: Mr. James Garfield Bollingbrooke, Jr., Executive Officer

In these dark economic times, this Nation needs clear guidance. American consumers face unprecedented dangers from predatory lenders, failed mortgage houses, unemployment, inflationary currency policies and rising interest rates. Why has this come to pass? The answer is simple: Federal regulation of the securities markets. Since 1933, the Federal government has incessantly meddled in private commercial affairs. It has created monolithic bureaus that harass business with burdensome paperwork requirements and picayune micromanagement. Rather than protect the public from fraud, these Federal bureaus have dramatically increased the costs of doing business, crippling the spirit of free enterprise that drives this Nation. It is time to reverse the tide. It is time to abolish the SEC and every other bureau that interferes with the securities markets. If elected, we promise not only to abolish antiquated Federal programs like the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, but also to prosecute every current and former employee of the SEC for actively undermining commerce in this country. By criminalizing interference with commerce, we will send a clear message that our citizens do not tolerate vexatious governmental meddling in their business affairs. We promise a return to prosperity. We promise a business environment where every man can bargain as he wishes, without having to file thousands of documents and report private economic data. What is freedom, after all, if not liberty from governmental restraint? Vote for privacy. Vote for opportunity. And vote for a vibrant economic future in which America leads the global economy.

Contented Network of Employed Persons Without a Shred of Compassion for Unemployed Persons

By : Joshua A. Parker, Insurance Adjuster and Employed-Person-in-Charge (EPIC)

In our country, employment is not a right. One must earn employment; it does not magically appear in one’s lap. To find employment is to fulfill the American dream. We are living the dream because we work. Yet all too many lollygaggers sit around all day without a job, blaming the “system” for their own listlessness. We, the Contented Network of Employed Persons, have a message for these sluggards: It’s not our problem that you aren’t employed. We are getting our paychecks, how about you? Nope! And like we care. You complain that the “economy is bad” or you “don’t have a parent who can get you a job.” Again, how is that our problem? We have jobs because we got an education and knew someone who was hiring. Sure, we might have been hired during better times, but what can we say? That’s the way the cookie crumbles, compadre. You tell us that you have an education, too, but can’t find work to save your life because companies aren’t hiring in a recession. Well, maybe it’s time to start lowering your expectations a little bit. You can’t start at the top, after all. Not only that, why should we care about you? It’s not our problem that you are living with your parents or can’t pay your medical bills. I have a job. You, on the other hand, are a complaining loser and you deserve exactly what you’re getting. You’re worried that you don’t have health insurance because you’re unemployed and you don’t have any money to pay for it yourself. Hello! If you just applied yourself and got a job like the rest of us, you wouldn’t be whining anymore. Who really cares about your problems, anyway? I show up at my job every morning and go home every night. I get paid on Friday and drink on the weekends. I am happy. What possible difference does it make to me whether you have a job or not? This Election Day, vote for people like us who actually work for a living. Who cares about unemployment? Let’s focus on questions that actually matter. We have no time as a Nation to worry about people who don’t matter.

BEATING THE WALL STREET CRISIS

By : Kent J. Oversoone, Former Chief Financial Officer and Portfolio Supervisor, Treasure Island Funds Management Co., Inc., New York (died September 21, 2008)

Does market volatility have you down? Are you anxious? Is your hard-earned money flitting away as the Dow plunges and politicians bicker? "How much longer can these losses continue?" you wonder. It is true: Since the Lehmann Bros. collapse last week, the U.S. financial markets have descended into chaos. Fortunes are disappearing. Brokers with lucrative portfolios on Friday wake up with worthless portfolios on Monday. Homeowners owe more money on their mortgages than their homes are worth. Mortgage lenders are going belly-up in droves. Employers are losing their income-bearing assets, requiring them to cut jobs. College graduates cannot find employment. Gas prices are rising again. And on it goes. There is no end in sight.

This is not the American dream. This is the American nightmare. We are all losing money. We are losing everything we worked a lifetime for. We are failing. Despite our best efforts to work, manage a portfolio, save and watch our investments, the market is destroying us. We followed the rules; we did what we were told. Now we are suffering for it.

Market volatility has made our lives a living hell. From hour to hour, we live in suspense. Our stomach knots as we watch the industrial averages slowly sink all day. We think about our children's educations, our wives, our homes, our vacations. We think about all the things we worked so hard for and realize that they will soon be gone. We are losing all our money. We are losing, losing, losing. We even pray--even though we never did before.

But there is a way out from this misery. There is a way to solve your financial woes and escape this volatile market once and for all: Get yourself a pistol and shoot yourself in the head. It is not as difficult as you may think. In an instant, you can free yourself from the anticipation, worry, anxiety, fear and depression that will plague you for the rest of your days. In one, painless instant, you will free yourself from thinking about finances, interest rates, loans, puts, calls, mortgages and short-sells. No more will you fear failure or feel the sting of defeat. Once the bullet passes through your skull, Wall Street will no longer dictate how you feel. In fact, nothing will dictate how you feel: No more bitter relationships; no more disappointing children; no more illnesses; no more regrets; no more mistreatment from employers; no more passing over for promotions; no more collection calls; no more caustic disputes over money; no more unfair parking tickets; no more taxes; in fact, no more anixety about anything at all. You will be out of the game for good.

Admit it. You failed. You did not succeed, you worthless, unimaginative loser. You could not stay ahead of the curve, my friend, and you did not think out of the box. You did not choose the right stocks and you sold when you should have bought. You are to blame...do you like the way this makes you feel? Of course not. Do something about it. Think about yourself for once. Get out of the race; you will feel much better for it. Would you rather go on living in uncertainty? Would you rather get up in terror every morning, knowing that your precious life savings are going down the drain? How about all the investors who depend on you? Do you want to lose all their money, too? What about your wife? Do you want to see her reduced to poverty? Do you want to file for welfare after living your whole life in a beautiful one-family home?

Do yourself a favor: Get a pistol and shoot yourself in the head. Refuse to live in financial terror. Beat the Wall Street Crisis. Tell the world that you refuse to live in fear any more. I did; and you can, too.