"I AIN'T APOLOGIZIN' FOR SHIT" : TIGER WOODS' ALTERNATE REMARKS

A REASON, COMMERCE, JUSTICE AND FREE BEER EXCLUSIVE REPORT

Last Friday, disgraced PGA Golf Champion Tiger Woods made big news when he made his first public appearance since allegations arose last fall that he perennially cheated on his wife. In a prepared statement, he publicly acknowledged that he "cheated," "acted irresponsibly" and "was unfaithful" by engaging in serial extramarital relations with over ten women while married to his wife, Elin Nordegren. He showered apologies on everyone from his "business partners" to his wife, children, mother, friends, their friends, fellow golfers, the game of golf and even Buddhism.

Despite Mr. Woods' technical contrition, however, many viewers felt that he did not put his heart into the performance. Many commentators claimed that he was "wooden" and "robotic" while reading his statement. They claimed that he must have been coached to deliver his remarks in order to smooth over any future employment problems, as well as to maintain favorable commercial relationships with endorsers. In fact, many commentators said that they did not believe anything Mr. Woods said. Rather, they contended that he just was "saying what he had to say" in order to remain professionally viable.

Reason, Commerce, Justice and Free Beer worked all weekend to determine Mr. Woods' true sentiments. Thanks to our tireless efforts--as well as to some fortunate conversations with lawyers and publicists close to Mr. Woods--our agents discovered that Mr. Woods prepared his own statement weeks before his presentation last week. Through some luck and journalistic ingenuity, our agents actually found a copy of Mr. Woods' original remarks. Our agents learned that Mr. Woods' lawyers and publicists urged him never to deliver these remarks. According to our sources, Mr. Woods' took their advice and asked a team of trusted lawyers and publicists to draft his statement. Ultimately, Mr. Woods delivered that version last week.

But here at Reason, Commerce, Justice and Free Beer, we believe that men have a right to speak their minds. We also believe that honesty is central to American discourse, especially discourse involving public figures like Mr. Woods. No matter what our opponents say, we think that America deserves to hear what Mr. Woods actually thinks about the scandal that has transfixed the Nation for almost three months. While we sympathize with Mr. Woods' contention that his behavior is essentially "private," the news story is not. For better or worse, Mr. Woods' serial philandering has entered the lexicon of American civilization: We all know about it. And we want to know more.

For those reasons, today we are pleased to present Tiger Woods' Alternate Remarks:

February 19, 2010

Good morning, motherfuckers,

You know something? I got just about one thing to say to everybody seated here today and all a y'all sitting at home watching me on TV: "Fuck all a y'all. I ain't apologizin' for shit."

Do you motherfuckers know what you've done to my life? Look at my hair! Holy shit, man, I'm going bald over this. Do you know how much you've embarrassed me in front of my wife? Don't you have any respect for a man who's just trying to get an honest nut up in here? Shit, it's not like I'm the only player out there trying to get a little bit on the side. In fact, if a white man cheated on his wife, y'all probably wouldn't even say anything about it. But as soon as a successful black man stands up and wants to get a little extra pootie, you step up and try to lynch me.

Y'all are giving me a hard time because I'm black.

Well, fuck y'all. I'm pissed.

I didn't do anything wrong. I was just doing what any man would do in my situation. In fact, y'all wish you could be like me. Y'all wish you could have my money, cash and hoes. Yeah, I'm a smooth-talking, smooth-walking, good-looking, money-having player. I get millions for driving golf balls down the fairway. I get my picture taken with a Tag Heuer watch on. Then I go out to the VIP champagne room and sink a few mo-fuckin' putts with some smokin' hot honies. I ride around in Bentleys and I live in a palace. My wife is a Norwegian model, BI-ATCH! What the fuck you thought?

And you say you don't like me. You say: "He unfaithful." Sheee-yit, I know every last one of you men out there wants to be doing exactly what I've been doing. And don't you deny it, you hypocritical motherfuckers.

Let me just say one thing to you right here: "A player got to play. Don't hate the player; hate the game." Stop hating me because I play better than you. If you don't like the game, don't play. But don't hate me just because I'm the big bad mack daddio who gets all the hoes.

No, no, no. You got it all backwards. All a y'all jealous motherfuckers are wrong, not me. I mean, leave my wife and kids out of this. This ain't none of your business. This is between me and my family. Stick your cameras somewhere else. So what I banged some big-booty hoes in the club. So what I brought a couple freaks to the house while my wife was away. So what if we busted out the ice cubes, whips and whipped cream. What the fuck does that have to do with y'all? That's my motherfuckin' business! Stay out of it! Leave a brother alone!

And so what I if was unfaithful? You try being faithful when you're a young, good-looking black man and ten scorching hot women start wagging their titties in your face. You just try it. You sit up there talking about "responsibility," "honor" "integrity" and "decency." That shit don't matter much when fifteen or twenty hoes be circling round the long dong. Shit yeah, biatch, my shit is strong. Say whatever y'all want about it. You wouldn't be acting all high and mighty if hot-ass porn stars treated you the way they treat me. See what I'm saying? Y'all are just jealous.

And that's another thing I want to bring up: Why y'all trying to pin all the blame on me for being unfaithful? You think I was the only one doing wrong here? What about the hoes who got butt-booty nekid when I was just trying to mind my business? I didn't ask 'em to sit on my face: They just did it. Was I supposed to say: "I'm sorry, my dear, but my marriage relation compels me to ask you to remove your vagina from my lips"? What about my cold-hearted wife who treated me like shit at home? Sometimes she don't wanna fuck for months on end, then she asks me to do motherfucking chores around the house. Fuck that.

I'm just a man. You put me in some tight situations and I'm gonna do some freaky things. That's just how we roll. So basically what I'm saying is this: I'm not the only one to blame here. I'm just a man.

So back the fuck off and leave me alone. I don't need no help. I don't need no "sex addiction therapy." Player, what? Sex addiction? Sex ain't no addiction; that shit be natural. Just because I bagged some nice-looking ass don't mean I got a "problem." Shit, most brothers would say I did good. What the fuck is with all a y'all? As soon as you get good at fucking that means you gotta check into the hospital for "sex addiction? " Say what?

This is what I've been saying all along: Y'all just can't cut a successful brother a break. Y'all wish you could be doing what I've been doing, but because you can't, you say: "Tiger gotta get help."

I'm going to say this one time and one time only: "I don't need no motherfucking help." I'm fine. I'm doin' exactly what a man is supposed to do when he's rich, famous and good-looking. I'm supposed to get a reward for all my success, right? I'm supposed to enjoy my life, aren't I? Apparently not, you fuckers. Nope, y'all want me to sit at home, take Elin's shit and watch TV on Saturday night. Well let me tell you something: That's not what players do. And I'm a player. I'ma play.

Not only that, how is "therapy" supposed to stop me from fucking? What are we supposed to talk about up in there? Talk about finger-painting? Crayons? What I brought for lunch? What am I, nine fucking years old? Therapy, what? Pleeeeze. Y'all just can't stand the idea that a black man be getting everything in life you wish you had, so you say he's "sick" and throw him in the hospital.

I got something to say to my business partners. I know y'all are important, so I'm gonna say something to you right about now. Don't cut me loose. I got nothing but love for ya, baby. And people who buy shit I endorse are still gonna buy it. Hey, people love a player. People love a mack. Don't you know that? Look at P. Diddy: He sells every last thing he touches. Let's face it: Quiet guys who wear golf sweaters aren't usually very exciting. But when they see me wearing a golf sweater, they'll say: "Oh, shit, is that Tiger in that three-button cardigan? I got to get me one of them. Then I'll get me all the hoes!"

Think about it. I'm marketing gold. Most people think golf is fuckin boring as hell. But with me, I spice it up and turn it into a crunk party.

So that's about it. I ain't sorry for anything I've done. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still the best motherfucking golfer alive; believe that. Y'all can try to lynch me all you want. Ain't gonna stop this player. I'm gonna keep sinking putts on and off the course. Watch me.

And in the meantime, stay the fuck away from me and my wife. This ain't none a y'all god damn business.

Thank you. And kiss my black Thai ass, you racist player-hating bastards.

VLADIMIR PUTIN ON CHRIS BROWN

СЕГОДНЯ ИЗ МОСКВЫ

By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Acting Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation; Former Agent, KGB; Bold Russian Unafraid to Show Chest to United States

Зтот Крис Браун мне совсем равен. This Chris Brown means absolutely nothing to me. For some reason, the American press wastes valuable time reporting about this—do I say this correctly?—“R/B Star.” I am worried about Georgia, Poland and Czech missile defense program. But these Americans blather about this criminal boy who strikes women? This happens every day in Russia. If the man hurts the woman, the police come and arrest the man. He apologizes. Then he goes home and drinks vodka. End of story—конец истории. We have more important matters to discuss.

What is the big deal with this singer of Pop song: “Run It?” So the Americans like to dance to this so-called “khip-khop” music? Is this so important? What about the Imperialist War they wage in Iraq and Afghanistan? Is this “Run It” singer more important? In Russia, we worry about significant matters. We are currently conducting oil exploration in the Arctic Sea and in Siberia. We talk about rebels in Chechnya in our news, not about people named “Chris Brown,” “Rikhanna” and “Paris Khilton.” We even talk about our ill grandfathers and uncles who sit all day in a drunken stupor. Yes, our youth in Russia likes the “khip-khop” music—they even dance to this “Run It” song under Russian name “Быстро Бегать с Этом” (“Quickly Running With It”)—but we do not waste valuable State news service time talking about men who bitch-slap. It is completely incomprehensible to the Russian mind.

I am curious to see what happens with new American President, Barack Obama. At present, he has said nothing about Russia. Does he want to restrict our oil-gathering activities? Is he going to pull a Condoleeza Rice on us and say we must be peaceful? This Bush made me laugh. He said Russia had no right to invade Georgia in order to protect our borders because it is no longer 1968. I said: “You are right; it is not 1968. But it is quite close to 2003, the year you invaded Iraq in order to protect your borders.” What goes for you goes for Russia, Mr. President. Thankfully this new President Obama has focused his energy on problems at home. This is what the President Bush should have done. Instead, he wasted all resources on foreign adventures. He even made me angry and I threatened to aim nuclear weapons at Poland. What an idiot. This Bush said he could “look into my soul” when he met me at a Ranch in 2001. To be blunt: О моей душе вы ничеґо не знаете—about my soul you know nothing. In fact, you know nothing about many things, dear President Bush.

Here in Russia we consider important questions. But in America you talk about Chris Brown. What is the meaning of this? During Cold War, you spoke about spying and nuclear submarines. Now you speak all day about Rikhanna and Chris Brown. You pose serious questions about whether this young “khip-khop artist” should face criminal charges for hitting a woman. Is this important State policy? Shouldn’t you be asking what we Russians are doing? Yes, we would like to be your friends if you treated us with respect. With new President Obama, you have chance to normalize relations with Russian Federation. But no, you would prefer to talk about “khip-khop Star” and private college youth basketball tourney. Этоґо я не понимаю—I don’t understand it. I suppose you can talk about whatever you want, but if I were U.S. President, I would be thinking about European alliances and oil reserves, not Chris Brown and his big gold chains. So what he did not appear at Grammy’s? Is this important State business? And so what about Rikhanna? She is cultural ambassador to Republic of Barbados. Is American relationship with Barbados more important than relationship with Russian Federation? Какую глупость я никогда не увидел—such stupidity I have never seen.

Сейчас у меня идея—Now I have an idea. While you Americans fixate your attention on March Madness and Chris Brown, I will instigate actions in Ukraine and Poland. I understand also that Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia express interest in rejoining the Russian Federation. While you Americans talk about Rikhanna and “khip-khop Stars” who dress in oversize sport T-Shirts, I will quietly move into Belarus, Georgia and Kazakhstan. After all, you are too concerned about Chris Brown to worry about what Russia is doing in Central Asia. With luck, you will not even notice when I move nuclear weapons closer to the Polish border. What do you care about Poland? You would rather talk about spring training baseball and new Justin Timberlake MTV premiere.

I am pleased that I no longer have to deal with President Bush. Although he supplied me with many opportunities for jokes, it really got to be bothersome dealing with him and the Condoleeza Rice after a while. It is, after all, difficult to speak with people of low intelligence who take instructions from Baptist Church instead of reason. This Obama will be more interesting. He is an educated man. He is a lawyer, not a failed oil excavator who later found religion. I, too, am a lawyer by trade. Perhaps I will see this man in a better light than his predecessor. I do not know yet. He says he wants to reform American free market system. Here in Russia, we have free market system with some modifications. This Obama probably will not like our modifications. And he probably will not like the fact that we now increase the size of our Armed Forces. Who knows what he will do. I will simply look at him suspiciously. I look at everything suspiciously. Just look at my eyes. I trust nothing and no one. Я просто подосрителный человек—I am just a suspicious person.

In a way, I am thankful for this Chris Brown. He gives me now opportunity to consolidate my plans in Georgia, Eastern Europe and in the Arctic. The less interference I receive from United States, the better. Let the Americans worry about Rikhanna’s face and Chris Brown’s prison term. They can listen to the “khip-khop” song “Run It” all they want while I move soldiers into Kiev and Riga. Americans are easily distracted. I will take advantage of their distraction to restore Russia to its rightful place. Soon there will again be two superpowers, not just one. As long as the Americans waste valuable resources talking about Chris Brown, Russia will grow stronger every day.

Благодарю Крису Брауну—thank you, Chris Brown. You have no idea how important you are to the geopolitical fortunes of the great Russian Federation. From the Kremlin, I say again, thank you. Your complete insignificance will actually prove significant for Russia.

SPORTS STARS MUST BE MORAL

By : Mrs. Victoria H. Slotter, B.S.; Spokesperson, Americans United For Responsible Role Models and Good Living

America needs strong role models. Life is difficult and challenging. Dynamic American heroes give their fellow citizens hope and joy. Even in the darkest times, sports stars, actors and even political figures inspire us with seemingly superhuman exploits. Every morning, countless Americans escape their troubles by thumbing through sports sections, following their favorite players. Every week, countless Americans follow popular television actors and Hollywood personalities. They look up to them as heroes. Celebrities give every American a precious gift: The power to believe in something better than his own miserable lot.

In times past, sports stars occupied a hallowed place in the American mind. Baseball greats such as Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and Tom Seaver brought joy to millions. They stood apart from the world. They seemed to have superhuman abilities and unimpeachable personalities. They provided a good example for children, and they set a decent standard for the rest of us. They led good, decent lives; they inspired us. They recognized their fame and respected it. They did not engage in behavior that would have tarnished their image for the rest of us. In short, they recognized that their fame brought responsibility. And they responsibly honored their obligations.

But where are the heroes today? Where are the selfless sports stars? Today, sports stars make news for all the wrong reasons. We hear about Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez abusing steroids. We hear about Lance Armstrong “doping” to win the Tour de France. And we see photographs showing Olympic great Michael Phelps smoking marijuana from a “bong.” These stars are not just hurting themselves; they are obliterating the hopes and dreams of millions.

Americans need responsible heroes, not cheaters, wife-beaters and stoners. We, Americans United for Responsible Role Models and Good Living, believe that sports stars have a responsibility to be responsible. With fame comes responsibility, and sports stars must recognize that they no longer may live merely for themselves. They must consider the effects their actions will have on the public. At a time when Americans are losing their jobs and homes, belief in superhuman sports achievements is more important than ever. Sports stars have a duty to sustain the fantasies of everyday Americans, and we are determined to protect those fantasies.

In the past, great sports stars did not just excel on the playing field. They were decent people, too. Decent people lead moral lives. One cannot live a moral life if one engages in any form of immorality whatsoever. We propose forbidding sports stars from engaging in immorality. This will enable them to be decent people. For example, it is immoral to smoke marijuana from a “bong.” It sends the wrong message to our children, no matter how successful Michael Phelps may be. It is no defense to say that successful people should get away with things that would land others in hot water. Rather, sports stars must set a higher example. Fame impacts privacy, and we intend to closely monitor sports fans for immorality.

We demand that sports stars remain inspirational. To accomplish that goal, we must ensure that sports stars are decent people. We can do this by compelling major stars—both in sports and entertainment—to sign sworn commitments pledging never to engage in immoral behavior. For example, to be decent, Michael Phelps cannot merely apologize for smoking marijuana from a “bong” or driving drunk while underage. He must swear—under legal penalties—that he does not—and will never: Engage in premarital sexual intercourse; engage in any sexual conduct other than heterosexual vaginal intercourse intended to result in procreation; place his lips on any sexual organ; allow lips to touch his own sexual organs (except pursuant to medical emergency); masturbate more than four times per calendar year (pursuant to notice and approval by Americans United for Responsible Role Models, with no masturbatory episode to last longer than 15 minutes); drink beer; drink malt liquor; drink wine coolers; smoke cigarettes; smoke pipes; smoke handrolled cigars; lie; cheat; steal; commit fraud; use profanity beyond the words “Darn,” “Shucks,” or “Shoot;” use marijuana or other illegal drugs as set forth in the Code of Federal Regulations or any statute applicable hereto; take the name of the Lord our God in vain; commit fornication or adultery; act inappropriately in any way; make scatological jokes or comments; take excessive enjoyment in life; or speak ill of any obligation or responsibility. If a sports star cannot abide by these restrictions, he is not a decent person, and he does not deserve adulation from Americans.

We have heard enough bad things about our heroes. By implementing our guidelines for decent behavior, we will restore faith in American sports stars. We will no longer hear about drunken binges, cheating, tax evasion, domestic abuse or wild romps. Instead, we will only hear about noble self-sacrifice, good sportsmanship, charity, visits to underprivileged schools, donations to the Children’s Cancer Fund and quiet nights at home with Mom and Dad. Sports stars have a responsibility to be responsible; and we intend to hold them to it.

Sports stars may say that they are only human. They may be unwilling to abide by our guidelines for decent living. They may say that they have a right to live in private and to engage in private activities. We say: “No, you don’t.” When a person becomes a sports star, he becomes a public hero. Just as the Gladiators of Ancient Rome provided excitement and inspiration to the common man, so too must modern American sports stars recognize their inspirational place in the social order. They do not have the same freedoms as everyday Americans. Rather, they owe public duties. If our sports stars do not lead decent lives, who will? We must at least aspire to decency by requiring our most inspirational citizens to lead decent lives. Additionally, we believe that sports stars will not face heavy burdens. After all, sports stars in decades past not only excelled on the field; they were also decent people. Why can’t modern sports stars do the same? Babe Ruth inspired children without engaging in nonprocreative sexual intercourse or “bong-smoking.” Has so much changed in eighty years that modern sports stars cannot be decent people?

We do not think so. We believe that sports stars can be both great athletes and decent people. It is time to return morality and goodness to sports. After all, Americans take refuge from their lives in sports. It is only fitting that their refuge should be a moral place. For too long, sports stars have disappointed the average Americans who believe in them. We must repair the damage. Now, we insist that sports stars not only excel on the field, but also lead moral lives. How else will our children learn decency? Parents can only teach so much; sports heroes carry much more weight. We must remember the children. Let sports stars remember that before they take a steroid injection. Let Barry Bonds say to himself: “If I take this injection, I may hit more home runs. But I will irreparably harm millions of children in the process.” Let Michael Phelps say to himself: “I am having a great time at this party and I really want to take a bong hit. But if I do, I will devastate millions of children all over the world.”

What would a responsible man do in these circumstances? He would choose the responsible path. Americans hear enough bad news. Let our sports stars enlighten our lives, not depress them. To do that, we must force them to be moral. This is about America. And it is about the children.

THE MANDATORY CHICAGO SPORTS FAN REPORTING ACT

THE PEOPLE OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO, STATE OF ILLINOIS IN GENERAL ASSEMBLY

Chicago, Illinois

RICHARD M. DALEY, MAYOR

PREAMBLE : We, the elected representatives of the People of the City of Chicago in the State of Illinois, authorized by the City Charter to act for the general welfare and moral edification of all City residents, and acting in defense of children everywhere, do hereby pass this ACT intended to protect the health, safety and community spirit of this Great City.

§ 1 – SHORT TITLE : This Act shall be known as the “MANDATORY CHICAGO SPORTS FAN REPORTING ACT” (hereinafter, the “Act”).

§ 2 - PURPOSES : The People of the City of Chicago intend to memorialize their understanding that sports team devotion is a citizen’s single most important civic duty. Allegiance to a Chicago city sports team is necessary to sustain robust public pride. The City Council desires to reinforce city pride and cohesion by requiring all city residents—no matter the duration of their residency—to declare allegiance to a Chicago city sports team every calendar year, beginning January 1, 2009. The Council believes that compulsion is necessary to ensure that every Chicago resident keeps his or her priorities straight in life. Sports are a priority in Chicago. Every Chicago citizen must be a sports fan. Law is the only way to ensure proper dedication to an eligible Chicago city sports team. The Council believes that the Act will improve civic and community life by creating a city esprit de corps revolving around eligible sports teams. The General Assembly further believes that enforcement of the Act will create jobs and raise revenue for the city.

§ 3 – DEFINITIONS : The following definitions apply throughout this Act:

(a) Resident : A “resident” is any living person within the city limits of the city of Chicago. This term includes everyone, even those merely passing through the city, also known as “Transitory Residents” (see below at § 5).

(b) Eligible Chicago City Sports Team : An “Eligible Chicago City Sports Team” includes and is strictly limited to the following professional sports franchises headquartered within the city of Chicago: (i) The Chicago Cubs; (ii) The Chicago White Sox; (iii) The Chicago Bears; (iv) The Chicago Blackhawks; (v) The Chicago Bulls; (vi) Chicago Fire.

(c) Reporting Period: “Reporting Period” means January 1 through December 31 in any calendar year beginning in 2009.

(d) Allegiance Form: An “Allegiance Form” means a paper or electronic affirmation that a Resident is a Fan of an Eligible Chicago City Sports Team.

(e) Fan : A “Fan” means a Resident who believes strongly in the success of any Eligible Chicago City Sports team. “Fans” must attend at least 10 home games played by the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team indicated in such “Fan’s” Allegiance Form during any Reporting Period.

(f) Enforcement Bureau : “Enforcement Bureau” means any office, institution, patrol, group or individual constituted by city Charter to enforce the provisions of this Act.

§ 4 – OBLIGATIONS OF RESIDENTS : During every Reporting Period, Residents must:

(a) Obtain an Allegiance Form from any duly-authorized city agency;

(b) Submit said Allegiance From in a manner consistent with all applicable local laws;

(c) State under oath that such Resident is a Fan of an Eligible Chicago City Sports Team;

(d) Attend at least ten (10) home games played by the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team identified in said Resident’s Allegiance Form;

(e) Retain receipts as proof of attendance at all home games described in § 4(d);

(f) Mail all receipts described in § (4)(e) to a duly-authorized city agency prior to the end of the Reporting Period;

(g) Publicly display devotion to the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team identified in such Resident’s Allegiance Form for the applicable Reporting Period;

(h) Maintain a regular cable television subscription for coverage of all regular and postseason games played by the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team identified in such Resident's Allegiance Form for the applicable Reporting Period;

(i) Pay an annual Submission Fee of $150.00 for each Allegiance Form submitted, payable within 30 days of said submission.

§ 5 – OBLIGATIONS OF TRANSITORY RESIDENTS : Transitory residents have the same obligations as all other Residents under this Act. To ensure compliance with this Act, Enforcement Bureaus are hereby authorized to construct compliance checkpoints at all roadways and railways leading in or out of the city of Chicago. Enforcement Bureaus are hereby authorized to stop all motorists or rail travelers at such checkpoints to verify their Allegiance Form status for the applicable Reporting Period. Additionally, Enforcement Bureaus are hereby authorized to question all national and international travelers arriving at or departing from Chicago city airports to verify Allegiance Form status for the applicable Reporting Period. Any Transitory Resident found not to have duly submitted an Allegiance Form for the applicable Reporting Period shall be required to make a declaration consistent with this Act, and to pay a penalty of $1,000 U.S. Currency, plus the usual $150.00 Submission Fee (see § 4(i)).

§ 6 – PUBLIC DISPLAY OF DEVOTION : Consistent with § 4(g), all Residents are obligated to publicly display devotion to the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team identified in such Residents’ Allegiance Form for the applicable Reporting Period. Such displays must consist of:

(a) Wearing Eligible Chicago City Sports Team-marked clothing at least twice per week;

(b) Discussing Eligible Chicago City Sports Team events at least once per day; but on Mondays, Residents must discuss such events at least three times (3) per day;

(c) Placing Eligible Chicago City Sports Team bumper stickers on their automobiles;

(d) Possessing at least one (1) photograph of: (i) Michael Ditka; (ii) Michael Jordan; or (iii) Harry Caray. Photographs of Brian Urlacher will not be considered;

(e) Drinking at least two (2) toasts to Eligible Chicago City Sports Team players each weekend day during the applicable Reporting Period;

(f) Painting one’s face with the colors of the Eligible Chicago City Sports Team identified in such Resident’s Allegiance Form at least once during the applicable Reporting Period;

(g) Sending a verified photograph of each Resident’s compliance with § 6(f) to a duly-authorized city agency within 30 days of the taking of such photograph.

§ 7 – ENFORCEMENT AND PENALTIES :

(a) Any member of Chicago’s Executive Branch has authority to enforce this Act, including, but in no way limited to:

(i) The Chicago Police Department;

(ii) The Chicago Department of Jails;

(iii) The Chicago Airport Authority;

(iv) The Mayor’s Office;

(v) The Department of Sewers;

(vi) The Department of Parking Enforcement;

(vii) The Department of Streets and Sanitation;

and

(viii) The Department of Revenue.

(b) Authorized Executive Branch officers are hereby empowered to conduct random stops to verify any Resident’s compliance with the Act. Upon such stops, officers shall ask the following questions: “Are you a Resident of the City of Chicago? Are you a sports fan? Are you a Cubs fan? Are you a Sox fan? Are you a Bears fan? Are you Blackhawks fan? Are you a Bulls fan? Are you a Fire fan?” If such resident responds that he is not a fan of any of the aforementioned teams, the officer shall state: “I am going to have to take you in for violating the Mandatory Chicago Sports Fan Reporting Act.”

§ 8 - SPECIFIC OFFENSES AGAINST THE ACT :

(1) Failure to Report Fan Status for any applicable Reporting Period is a Class C Felony punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $15,000 fine.

(2) Willful Failure to Report Fan status for more than two (2) Reporting Periods is a Class A Felony punishable by up to 20 years in prison and a $100,000 fine.

(3) Negligent Failure to Properly Complete an Allegiance Form is a Class A Misdemeanor punishable by up to 6 months in prison and a $1,500 fine.

(4) Intentionally Supporting a Rival Team is a Class A-1 Felony punishable by death or life in prison, notwithstanding compliance with this Act in all other respects.

(5) Ignorance of the law shall not be a defense to any crime enumerated in this Section, consistent with principles of Illinois criminal law, and any provision of the State or United States Constitution notwithstanding.

(6) Conviction under any offense enumerated in this Section shall never be judicially determined to be a deprivation of life, liberty or property without Due Process under the State or United States Constitutions.

THE CRIMINAL LAW SHOULD NOT APPLY TO SPORTS STARS

CONSIDERED OPINION

By : E. Franklin Vogelfrei, Esq., Attorney and Legal Scholar, The Public Punishment Institute (PPI)

These days it is hard to pick up a newspaper without reading about some magnificent athlete struggling to face down one criminal charge or another. Whether it is Michael Vick confronting federal authorities about operating an interstate dogfighting ring, or Plaxico Burress appearing before a New York court on felony weapons possession charges, the criminal law always seems to target well-off sports heroes. Prison terms and fines cut short thrilling NFL careers, frustrating fans. This is a disgrace. Americans want to see their sports stars on the field, not in prison. Although Americans also want to see the guilty punished, they would rather tolerate some illegality than see their gridiron greats removed from play. We here at the Public Punishment Institute recommend that State and Federal authorities respect the People’s will. To that end, we recommend a new criminal law principle: Do not prosecute sports stars.

When the criminal law condemns sports stars, it ensnares itself in a classic conflict of interest. The criminal law vindicates the People’s will. The People elect representatives, who then pass criminal prohibitions intended to punish conduct that the People label “wrong.” But the People also want sports. They want to see superhuman quarterbacks, homerun-swatting first basemen, sleek swimmers and 8-foot 3-point throwers work their magic on the playing fields. They live their lives to watch their sports heroes. There is nothing “wrong” with sports. Thus, when the criminal law sends their heroes to prison, it frustrates the People’s will. In essence, the People don’t want to have it both ways. They do not like criminals, but they absolutely detest the idea that their beloved players will be sidelined for violating the law. The People created the law. It should be up to them whether or not it applies to a particular person.

Both Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress are popular heroes. “Bullet” Vick led his Atlanta Falcons to victory in game after game, delighting the People. Burress became a New York hero when he broke through in the Super Bowl last year. The People adored him. The People want to see both Vick and Burress on the field. They want more sports miracles. They want more superhuman feats. They want excitement. They want to talk about their exploits at work. They want to read about their daring victories in the sports pages during their lunch breaks. But they will not get any of these things if Vick and Burress spend their best years rotting in penitentiaries.

What do the People gain by sending Vick and Burress to prison? At the same time, what do they lose? Let us consider the facts. Michael Vick committed “conspiracy to operate an interstate dogfighting ring” under federal law. The People—through their representatives—decided that making illegal agreements to bet money on animal cruelty deserved criminal punishment because it was morally contemptible to profit from killing animals. Plaxico Burress was arrested in New York for “unlawfully possessing an unlicensed firearm in the City of New York,” and “failing to report a gunshot wound” after accidentally shooting himself in the leg. The People—through their representatives—decided that criminally punishing gun possession would make their streets safer by deterring would-be killers from obtaining deadly weapons. These are both sound public goals. By punishing Vick and Burress, the People would satisfy their moral outrage. Vick will suffer for profiting from animal cruelty. Burress will suffer in order to deter would-be assassins in New York.

But the People do not want Vick and Burress to suffer in order to achieve these goals. Let some unknown sap suffer to achieve these goals, not popular sports heroes. True, it would fulfill the People’s will—as inscribed in law—to make Vick and Burress pay the price for their violations. But it would simultaneously frustrate the People’s will to remove two stars from the playing field who bring them untold delight every weekend. How should the law treat cases when punishment would both fulfill and frustrate the People’s will? In our opinion, the law must decide which alternative would more faithfully fulfill the People’s will. Put simply, the People would much rather tolerate a few violations than see their heroes incapacitated.

To violate the law, there must be a defendant. There must be a living, breathing human being who chooses to do what the law prohibits. There are as many potential defendants as there are people in society. Every living person is a potential defendant. The criminal law can fulfill the People’s will no matter who is punished. On the other hand, not everyone in society is a sports hero. In fact, among all the potential defendants in society, there are scarcely 500 true sports heroes. When the criminal law punishes a member of this elite group, it fulfills the People’s will in one sense, but profoundly injures it in another. If a sports star steals a car, the People want to see a potential defendant punished. But they would be horrified if the law yanked a sports star from the field in the middle of a marvelous career. If a beggar stole a car, the People would lose nothing to see him punished. Yet if a sports star goes to prison for 10 years for stealing a car, the People would lose so much more. To avoid that loss, the People are willing to tolerate an occasional car theft.

In essence, when sports stars stand accused, we must weigh the benefits against the burdens of applying the criminal law. In an abstract sense, the People benefit when the law punishes any criminal, because the People—in the abstract—are outraged by any deviation from the moral code they enshrine through their laws. But that is mere abstract benefit; few people feel any real benefit when a common thief or robber receives a 15-year prison term on any given day. In that case, the People gain because the law removes a worthless citizen from their midst. They lose nothing. On the other hand, when the law punishes a sports star, the People stand to lose enjoyment, adoration, vicarious euphoria, fantasy and hope by cutting short a superhuman athlete’s public career. They gain only the “abstract benefit” that comes from punishing any common criminal. The burdens strongly outweigh the benefits in this situation. For that reason, the People’s will dictates that the criminal law should not apply to the sports star.

In our Republic, the People are supreme. Were it not for the People, there would be no Constitution, no Union, no Congress and no government. Without the People, there would be no law. Only the People can give the law its moral force, and for that reason the law must respect the People’s will. When the law contradicts the People’s will, it risks undermining its very foundations. That is why we must stop prosecuting sports stars like Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress. Let the law voice the People’s outrage on nameless defendants, not defendants whose imprisonment would deny happiness to millions of Americans every weekend. There are enough defendants to go around. It makes no sense to treat every defendant equally when society gains no additional benefit from punishing a sports star than it would by punishing a beggar.

Detractors say that the law must treat all cases equally. As appealing as this argument may be from an idealistic standpoint, it ignores the People’s will. Law is a human institution. Human institutions cannot always apply principles equally. In fact, our entire society would collapse if it insisted upon precisely equal treatment for every citizen. What incentive would we have for success if everyone were treated equally? Success means the right to be treated better, not equally. Furthermore, law cannot escape its political roots. Without political support, no one would respect the law. The law must conform to the People’s will. And when punishing a sports star would injure the People’s will more than it fulfills the People’s will, punishment is inappropriate. The People may say that we are all equal under law. But they do not want to lose their heroes. They would rather sacrifice equality in a few cases than sacrifice joyous weekends watching their heroes work wonders on the field. In that light, political necessity dictates that sports stars be treated differently than everyday defendants.

It is time to start respecting the People’s will. Sports are more important to most Americans than law. Anyone can be a defendant, but not everyone can be Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress. When punishing a sports star damages the People’s will more than it fulfills the People’s will, the law betrays the People. And when the law betrays the People, the People will not stand for it. Let this be a political warning to every prosecutor and every judge. Punish the nameless. Set the quarterbacks and linebackers free.

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Unimaginative Learners’ Union for More Sports Analogies in Public Discourse

By : Coach Stan F. Buckpits, Offensive & Defensive Party Coordinator

Americans know that the pressure is on. We’ve got two runners in scoring position, it’s the bottom of the 9th and we’re down by two. You might also say that it’s 4th & Goal and we’re down by two field goals. The bottom line is that we need some clutch performances to save this country from ruin. For years, Americans have faced criticism that they are not sufficiently engaged in the political process. We, the Unimaginative Learners’ Union for More Sports Analogies in Public Discourse, believe that this criticism is unfair. Our critics say that Americans are too dumb to understand complicated political, social and economic issues. They say that Americans cannot properly analyze questions and arguments. But our critics are wrong: Americans know how to analyze. They minutely discuss sports events for weeks after the event, presenting cogent arguments concerning the outcome. Americans know how to dissect arguments about their favorite sports teams and Americans know how to speak eloquently about why their sports teams deserve victory. In our view, Americans will become more politically engaged when their political leaders speak their language: Sports. If elected, we promise to compare every single political, economic and social issue to a sports situation. This will not only make Americans understand issues such as health care, social security, income tax and the Bush Doctrine, but it will empower Americans to formulate wise opinions concerning the proper course of action in every case. Americans will care about their government when they begin to understand their government. By drawing parallels between government and sports, they will become active citizens overnight. We will assign new names to every government official and department. We will rename every American State after a professional sports team that plays in that State. For example, the Massachusetts Bureau of Corrections will also be known as “The Patriots’ Tight End Rush Training Camp.” The Arizona Tax Authority will also be known as the “Diamondbacks’ Stat Management Front Office.” The President of the United States will be known as the “NFL Commissioner.” And so forth and so on. Today, we face the worst financial crisis in generations. Let us step up to the plate and dig down, because we can’t afford to go down looking this time. We need to work the count and put the ball in play. We need a full-court press and we have no time to go 40-love. Nothing short of a birdie will save our Nation, and we won’t settle for an extra point; we demand a 2-point conversion. It’s time to bring in the beefy offensive linemen and blitz all the way to national solvency. This year, vote for understanding in political life. Tell your leaders to learn your language. Make them call audibles. Let’s get it together, people. Let’s get in the game and start banging some hoops. Because when Americans know what they’re doing, it ain’t nothing but net—SWISH! BOO-YEAH!