Saturday, March 14, 2009



By : Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, Acting Prime Minister of the Russian Federation; Former President of the Russian Federation; Former Agent, KGB; Bold Russian Unafraid to Show Chest to United States

Зтот Крис Браун мне совсем равен. This Chris Brown means absolutely nothing to me. For some reason, the American press wastes valuable time reporting about this—do I say this correctly?—“R/B Star.” I am worried about Georgia, Poland and Czech missile defense program. But these Americans blather about this criminal boy who strikes women? This happens every day in Russia. If the man hurts the woman, the police come and arrest the man. He apologizes. Then he goes home and drinks vodka. End of story—конец истории. We have more important matters to discuss.

What is the big deal with this singer of Pop song: “Run It?” So the Americans like to dance to this so-called “khip-khop” music? Is this so important? What about the Imperialist War they wage in Iraq and Afghanistan? Is this “Run It” singer more important? In Russia, we worry about significant matters. We are currently conducting oil exploration in the Arctic Sea and in Siberia. We talk about rebels in Chechnya in our news, not about people named “Chris Brown,” “Rikhanna” and “Paris Khilton.” We even talk about our ill grandfathers and uncles who sit all day in a drunken stupor. Yes, our youth in Russia likes the “khip-khop” music—they even dance to this “Run It” song under Russian name “Быстро Бегать с Этом” (“Quickly Running With It”)—but we do not waste valuable State news service time talking about men who bitch-slap. It is completely incomprehensible to the Russian mind.

I am curious to see what happens with new American President, Barack Obama. At present, he has said nothing about Russia. Does he want to restrict our oil-gathering activities? Is he going to pull a Condoleeza Rice on us and say we must be peaceful? This Bush made me laugh. He said Russia had no right to invade Georgia in order to protect our borders because it is no longer 1968. I said: “You are right; it is not 1968. But it is quite close to 2003, the year you invaded Iraq in order to protect your borders.” What goes for you goes for Russia, Mr. President. Thankfully this new President Obama has focused his energy on problems at home. This is what the President Bush should have done. Instead, he wasted all resources on foreign adventures. He even made me angry and I threatened to aim nuclear weapons at Poland. What an idiot. This Bush said he could “look into my soul” when he met me at a Ranch in 2001. To be blunt: О моей душе вы ничеґо не знаете—about my soul you know nothing. In fact, you know nothing about many things, dear President Bush.

Here in Russia we consider important questions. But in America you talk about Chris Brown. What is the meaning of this? During Cold War, you spoke about spying and nuclear submarines. Now you speak all day about Rikhanna and Chris Brown. You pose serious questions about whether this young “khip-khop artist” should face criminal charges for hitting a woman. Is this important State policy? Shouldn’t you be asking what we Russians are doing? Yes, we would like to be your friends if you treated us with respect. With new President Obama, you have chance to normalize relations with Russian Federation. But no, you would prefer to talk about “khip-khop Star” and private college youth basketball tourney. Этоґо я не понимаю—I don’t understand it. I suppose you can talk about whatever you want, but if I were U.S. President, I would be thinking about European alliances and oil reserves, not Chris Brown and his big gold chains. So what he did not appear at Grammy’s? Is this important State business? And so what about Rikhanna? She is cultural ambassador to Republic of Barbados. Is American relationship with Barbados more important than relationship with Russian Federation? Какую глупость я никогда не увидел—such stupidity I have never seen.

Сейчас у меня идея—Now I have an idea. While you Americans fixate your attention on March Madness and Chris Brown, I will instigate actions in Ukraine and Poland. I understand also that Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia express interest in rejoining the Russian Federation. While you Americans talk about Rikhanna and “khip-khop Stars” who dress in oversize sport T-Shirts, I will quietly move into Belarus, Georgia and Kazakhstan. After all, you are too concerned about Chris Brown to worry about what Russia is doing in Central Asia. With luck, you will not even notice when I move nuclear weapons closer to the Polish border. What do you care about Poland? You would rather talk about spring training baseball and new Justin Timberlake MTV premiere.

I am pleased that I no longer have to deal with President Bush. Although he supplied me with many opportunities for jokes, it really got to be bothersome dealing with him and the Condoleeza Rice after a while. It is, after all, difficult to speak with people of low intelligence who take instructions from Baptist Church instead of reason. This Obama will be more interesting. He is an educated man. He is a lawyer, not a failed oil excavator who later found religion. I, too, am a lawyer by trade. Perhaps I will see this man in a better light than his predecessor. I do not know yet. He says he wants to reform American free market system. Here in Russia, we have free market system with some modifications. This Obama probably will not like our modifications. And he probably will not like the fact that we now increase the size of our Armed Forces. Who knows what he will do. I will simply look at him suspiciously. I look at everything suspiciously. Just look at my eyes. I trust nothing and no one. Я просто подосрителный человек—I am just a suspicious person.

In a way, I am thankful for this Chris Brown. He gives me now opportunity to consolidate my plans in Georgia, Eastern Europe and in the Arctic. The less interference I receive from United States, the better. Let the Americans worry about Rikhanna’s face and Chris Brown’s prison term. They can listen to the “khip-khop” song “Run It” all they want while I move soldiers into Kiev and Riga. Americans are easily distracted. I will take advantage of their distraction to restore Russia to its rightful place. Soon there will again be two superpowers, not just one. As long as the Americans waste valuable resources talking about Chris Brown, Russia will grow stronger every day.

Благодарю Крису Брауну—thank you, Chris Brown. You have no idea how important you are to the geopolitical fortunes of the great Russian Federation. From the Kremlin, I say again, thank you. Your complete insignificance will actually prove significant for Russia.

1 comment:

reglas poker said...

Say what ever about this man but sure he is amusing. And some what right about some of the things he says.