Saturday, March 21, 2009



By : Mrs. Nancy P. Pelosi (D-CA), Speaker of the United States House of Representatives; Unabashed Spendthrift

On November 4, 2008, America chose a Democratic President to lead this country. In so doing, the American people told the world that they are ready to spend money. In the months following the election, I have the led the House of Representatives on a bold path to economic recovery through spending, not saving. The American people are sick and tired of penny-pinching Republicans. They want to print cash, go shopping and spend. As Democrats, we are committed to throwing all your money out the window. George W. Bush and his Republican minions reviled spending. We Democrats are different: We are wastrels. We do not mind spending money. In fact, we really enjoy it. Republicans only had negative messages during their time in power. They always said: “We will NOT spend any money this year.” But we Democrats have a positive message: “We WILL spend money this year—lots of it.” Americans chose us because they want positive messages, not negative ones. The era of fear-mongering and anally-retentive treasury management is over. Let us move proudly into a new era of runaway spending, moral license, decadence, deviance and perversion. This is change we can believe in.

Our economy lies in ruins. Thanks to parsimonious Republican skinflints, countless Americans lost their jobs. Millions more find themselves without health insurance or food money. As Democratic wastrels, we intend to end the hard times. We are prepared to spend trillions of dollars on American working men and women. We are ready to blow $100 bills onto the streets with industrial fans and let unemployed workers take as many as they want. We will stimulate job growth by inviting private employers to come down to the Treasury and take out as much money as they need to keep the payroll rolling. And we are not afraid of terrorists. We will keep the money presses humming for as long as it takes to defeat bin Laden and every Wall Street crook. We do not care about responsibility. We just want to make sure everyone gets all the money they need. Our opponents say that Americans need to “know the value of a dollar.” We say: “What good is it to know the value of a dollar when everyone is unemployed and starving?”

When Americans have money, they are happy. They do not complain. That is why the Democratic Party is America’s party. We spend money on everyone, from Donald Trump all the way down to the homeless beggar who sleeps in a garbage pile outside the Trump Tower. Everyone is equal in our United States. And everyone can visit the Treasury to get as much money as they need. We will beat this recession with a simple phrase: “Come on Down!”

Republicans say that we cannot afford to increase spending on health care, welfare and employment insurance. The Republicans miss the point. We are not going to increase spending. We are going to give away money; there is a difference. We are the party of deviance, insolence, license and irresponsibility. We spend money when we feel like it; we do not wring our hands and talk about “ownership society” or “saving.” We believe that the American people want us to spend money. Through responsibility, Republicans ruined our economy. Through frugality, the Republicans allowed our children to starve. Enough is enough. We will reverse the Republican tide. Responsibility and frugality did not work. It is time for solutions that work. It is time for irresponsibility and extravagance. What good is responsibility when it creates monsters like Bernie Madoff? In our view, we would much rather have irresponsible sods running government than responsible Republicans who steal everything in sight. And what good is frugality when frugal Republicans bankrupted America invading Iraq? The time for responsibility and frugality is over. Join us if you are ready to get some free money and start living again.

We are committed to immoral government. By electing a Democratic President and Democratic Congress, America told the world that we are tired of Republican morality. Republicans and their morality led to Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, John Roberts, Enron, international condemnation and the Katrina debacle. Republicans took a stand against gay marriage and bad language in schools. What good did that do? Our economy is in the gutter and our currency is nearly worthless. America is sick and tired of Republican morality. Americans want change. They want immorality, vice, sodomy, decadence and deviance. We Democrats promise to deliver all that and more. We are not afraid to let men marry men or women marry women. We are not afraid to allow our children to smoke opium or praise homosexual relationships. We also firmly support unethical behavior. After all, Republican ethics gave us Enron and Alberto Gonzales. Ethics gave us scandal and embarrassment. We want change. That is why the Democratic Party promises to set new standards for unethical behavior in the new Century. Through immorality and wastefulness, we promise to save this country from ruin.

We live in desperate times. Unemployment has reached its highest level since the 1930s. People lose their homes every day. For many, the American dream has turned into a nightmare. But we can bring light back to America with wasteful spending. There is a reason why America’s economy failed last year. If it were not for eight years of Republican responsibility, frugality, decency, honor, ethics, morality and compassion, we would not be in the position we occupy today. Together, we can reverse these trends. Together, we can waste our money, act dishonorably, encourage premarital sex and condone recreational drug use. We will stem the tide. We will set a new standard for license, vice and irresponsibility. Responsibility and morality did not get the job done. It is time to give irresponsibility and immorality a chance. True, our country faces many challenges. Yet we believe that by allowing gay marriage, drug use and free access to government money, we can return America to its rightful place on the world stage.

After the Election last year, we all felt that we had turned a new page in American history. For the first time in decades, the Democrats controlled Congress and the White House. But now we must start to work on the dream we savored on Election Night. Join us as we strive to bring irresponsibility to America. Do your part. Spend money recklessly and borrow beyond your means. We do not have time for frugality, morality or decency. Do not act like a Republican. If you feel like going out and getting drunk, by all means go. If you feel like buying a Cadillac, by all means buy it. We will help you. Government is no longer here to condemn you as an immoral deviant; we are on your side now. We are immoral deviants, too. We are ready to give you the money you need. We are ready to waste money on your health care, your job and your unemployment insurance. We are ready to buy you free housing. Republicans made you take out crippling loans to get a college degree. But we are ready to give you a college education—for free. Put simply, if you need it, we will buy it for you, no questions asked. And do not be afraid to be who you are. Republicans made you feel ashamed for having sex and for smoking marijuana. Now, we encourage you to have fun in your life. We do not have time for responsibility anymore. Abstinence and sobriety do not work. As profligate Democratic wastrels, we enjoy life; and so should you. Let us all work together for a better America—a more irresponsible America.

Responsibility and decency created this mess. We Democrats intend to fight the recession with irresponsibility and shameful monetary waste from beginning to end. If you want free government handouts and you are a moral deviant, join us. If you want a free college education and you are a petulant freeloading drug user, join us. If morality offends you and you do not like torture, international law violations or the death penalty, we are the party for you. In the Democratic Party, we do not claim to be moral. We are immoral, we condemn torture, we respect international law and we oppose the death penalty. Still, we recognize that we live in a democracy. If you care about ethics, morality, decency and normalcy, vote Republican. But before you do, take a good hard look at what happened under George W. Bush’s ethical, moral and decent administration. Do you want more of the same? Of course not. Be a faithless profligate immoral deviant Democratic wastrel. Do not be afraid to accept free money. Do not be afraid to go to the doctor, even if you can’t afford it. Do not be afraid to get a college degree without debt. And do not be afraid to engage in debauched omnisexual adventures before, during and after marriage. The Democratic Party is on your side. We waste money. We condone immorality. We are irresponsible. We are deviant. And we will save this country.

1 comment:

SteveW said...

"debauched omnisexual adventures"

I stand in awe.