Tuesday, March 24, 2009


By : Mr. Ferguson A. Coxwell, Esq., Managing Partner & Senior Litigation Fellow, Tittley, Jiggelmann, Nippler & Rackenbacker, LLP, Attorneys at Law Specializing in Class Action Litigation (Named “Best Hands-On Client Service Firm” in 2005 by the American Breast Health Institute, A Medical Trade Association)

Inquiry is made concerning the weekend plans of aforenamed attorney and counselor at law and equity, Mr. Ferguson A. Coxwell, Esquire, Order of the Coif, Attorney No. 45612, propounded this 24th Day of March, in the Year of our Lord 2009, subject to all qualifications, express and implied, under law, in the City, County and State of New York, all other States notwithstanding.

COMES NOW MR. FERGUSON A. COXWELL, ESQUIRE, resident in and for the City of New York, County of New York, State of New York, Country of the United States of America, Hemisphere of the West, Christendom, Republican Party, et. seq., being desirous of a speedy and expeditious answer to aforemade Inquiry concerning Weekend Plans (hereinafter “The Inquiry,”) propounded, constituted, authorized, formulated and presented under law, notwithstanding and pursuant to any qualifications thereon, applicable thereto or terminable wherethrough, by and through himself as attorney in fact, implied in law or rendered in equity, speaking under any and all reservations as conditionally provided in the Master Subordinate Attorney Retention Contract (hereinafter “The Contract”), Definitions Section, § 12A(2), and hereby maketh the following disclosures, subject to law and without waiving any legal defense whereto aforesaid attorney may be, is, will be, was, has ever been, should be, of right should be, and by deduction must be entitled, notwithstanding any applicable evidentiary exceptions, qualifications, limitations, exclusions or inclusions (except as otherwise provided):

I, as attorney for, of, to the benefit of, on behalf of, as agent of, by whose authority I by action I do so ever make, do, say and maintain, pursuant to any and all contractual, fiduciary, moral, ethical, quasi-contractual, equitable or quasi-equitable duties, be they known, unknown, constructive, active or transitory, the American Breast Health Institute (A Medical Trade Association), hereby intend to go, by conveyance later to be determined under law, exception to which is hereby taken in cases in which contrary law be referenced in contradistinction hereto, unless such contrary law be nugatory as hereinafter provided or pursuant to Consent Decree as such term is defined in the Subordinate Master Second Amended Management Order Concerning Construction (“The Management Order”), to the beach this Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 9:15 AM, or as soon thereafter as counsel may be heard, unless, until, and on the lesser condition that supervening Firm Business doth appear render such intention void ab initio, sub legis, contra bonos mores or malum fides, in which case no intention shall be honored pursuant to any and all Discovery Orders applicable hereto; it being expressly provided that such intention in all events shall be valid notwithstanding aforesaid Firm Business, be it supervening or not, if such Discovery Orders, having been done, signed, ordered and ordained by and through that certain Judge, the Honorable Martin A. Dingler, sitting in and for the County of Cuyahoga, in the State of Ohio, Country of the United States, Hemisphere of the West, Christendom, appear in law to have committed, conspired to commit or attempted to have committed Mutual Mistake, as reported in the case of Mulberry v. Johansen Dairy Consulting Group Ltd., 354 S.W.2d 412, 423 (Ark. 1962)(obiter dictum), whereby, such lesser provision having been fulfilled, aforesaid intention shall remain in full force and effect, notwithstanding and pursuant to any and all foregoing provisions made herein. In the event that aforesaid Attorney, Counselor, Advisor in Law and Notary doth realize above-named intention, aforesaid Attorney, Counselor, Advisor in Law and Notary shall, subject to any and all statutory limitations, qualifications, reservations or gesticulations applicable hereto, be such limitations constitutional, extralegal, odious, obnoxious or fetid (as such term be defined in the Model Olfactory Code, (MOC) Title IV, Subchapter A (Foule & Rancidde Odours Offensive to the Palatte), as amended, but not superceded), place down a beach towel upon above-described beach, there being no legal, moral or ethical barrier obstructing the same, notwithstanding any contrary mandate of the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission (ARDC) concerning the laying of beach towels by attorneys (including supplementary rulings, unless such rulings have been declared invalid on appeal; but invalid rulings shall apply with full force and effect if made on Wednesdays), counselors and gesticulators at law, membership wherein this Author doth hereby admit and declare, subject to all privileges and evidentiary exclusions permitted by law, exception to any contrary contention is hereby interposed, the Author therethrough disclaiming any prohibited purpose or legal intent to defraud; it being expressly declared, averred and admitted that said towel be placed for no reason other than Relaxation, as such term be defined in the Model Attorney’s Guide for Responsible Weekend Behavior, reference whereto is hereby and for all time made, this Author having averred, stated, claimed and sworn, pursuant to oath and under penalty of perjury, so help him God, that he adhere to such Guide, unless such Guide be contrary to law, in which case this Author, having sworn pursuant to oath and under penalty of perjury that he be for all time a responsible, ethical, moral and respectable Officer of the Courts of the State of New York, shall not adhere to such Guide, to the extent and to the degree that such guide espouseth any claim, belief, opinion, rumination or intimation that any Behaviour be moral, when it be in fact immoral; or ethical, when it be in fact unethical; or good, when it in fact be bad; or normal, when it in fact be abnormal et &c; when such claims be herewith and forevermore held contrary to law, this Author expressly disavoweth any and all intent to adhere to same, notwithstanding he hath already adhered, it being recognized that this Author followeth the Law, even if such Law be contrary to Right. Now, therefore, this Author, having spread aforesaid Towel upon aforesaid Beach, and having averred that such conduct, intent, plan and Behaviour be in no Wise contrary to Law or Regulation, hereby expresses his further plan and design to remain upon aforesaid Beach until such time as Firm Business doth require the termination of aforesaid Remainder upon aforesaid Towel upon aforesaid Beach; but in no event shall such Termination occur until at least 11 AM upon the forenoon of that certain Saturday, March 28, 2009, it being declared, understood and recognized in both law and fact that this Author requireth Relaxation at least between the hours of 9:15 AM and no earlier than 11 AM upon that certain Saturday, March 28, 2009, claim whereto is hereby made subject to all solemnities, ceremonies and forms provided by law. Such plans having been made, and full disclosure thereof having been given subject to all applicable privileges, evidentiary exclusions and authorities as cognizable legally, judicially and culinarily, except in such cases wherein such privileges, evidentiary exclusions and authorities be declared inapplicable pursuant to notice and argument, there being no contrary consideration on prudential grounds, claim to which is hereby made in any and all cases in which such considerations, if any, be found and/or asserted, notwithstanding the inassertability thereof, waiver whereof is hereby expressly controverted, this Author shall be accessible by telephonic, electronic and tele-electronic means upon aforesaid Towel upon aforesaid Beach at aforesaid times, provided that any and all communications involveth only Firm Business; but in no event shall communications be initiated and/or accepted when Author be engaged in Inebriation Activities as such term be defined in the Model Alcoholic Consumption Act, as amended (see generally, §§ 34-39, et seq., “Inability to Telephonically Respond on Grounds of Being Statutorily Shitfaced”).

It is so ordered.

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