SUMMER BLAHS

This is really the first year I've noticed that people don't do anything in August. They don't do much in July, either, but August in New York is just catatonic. There's no one here. They've all gone to beaches or retreats. All the "professionals" are "summering." Try making an appointment or a prescription in August. It's a nightmare.

I've even noticed that traffic on my blog has dropped off dramatically in August. In that light, I think I am going to jump on the bandwagon and reduce my own work load for the rest of the summer. This does not mean I will stop writing altogether until September; I will just post more sporadically than usual. I don't like to stop writing, but in my experience I've always found that it's a good decision to close up shop for a while. This seems like the best time to do it, since no one is around anyway.

I will write some short pieces over the next week or so, but I will hold off from diving into my usual "issue list" until the temperature drops and people come back (both physically and intellectually) from the beach. I still have major questions to address. But I won't waste my time analyzing them until life resumes in September.

Thanks again to everyone who logs in for Reason, Commerce, Justice and Free Beer! If my output over the next week is too low for you, I welcome you to simply check out my archives. There's never a shortage there.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Oesterhoudt

QUICK WORD ON VACATIONS : EUROPE V. AMERICA

AN ESSAY

I have many European friends. We communicate all the time on a forum. During the summer, they always write about this and that journey they plan to take. They call them "summer holidays." They talk about traveling far and wide. They talk about taking four weeks off--with pay--to wander around Eastern Europe or France. Some even talk about going to China or India. In short, they talk about vacations with true relish. When they get home, they talk about how refreshed they are. They even say they do not mind going back to work after so much enjoyable time on vacation. They don't feel guilty about forcing their bosses to find replacements while they're gone, nor do they check email or phone messages while sprawled on Brazilian beaches. Put simply, Europeans know how to relax.

I can't resist contrasting these idyllic reports with horror stories about vacation time in the United States. This morning, for instance, I read about a friend who plans to take several weeks to travel through Germany and Bulgaria. He will receive pay during his trip; his boss actually encouraged him "because it's important for you to relax" and "see the world."

In response, I described the typical working American's vacation plans:

If only Americans understood the value of real vacation time. Over here, people hem and haw about taking 5 days off, compromise and wind up taking a "monumental excursion" to a water park in some god-forsaken suburb.

What's the difference, then? For starters, there's the obvious temporal difference. Europeans just get a lot more paid vacation time than Americans. Americans are lucky to get a week off with pay per year (including sick days), while most Europeans--even entry-level twentysomethings--get five paid weeks minimum. But the real difference is about power. Europeans get so much vacation time because they have relatively more power over their work lives than Americans. Over here, people feel obsequiously honored to have jobs. Like good fawns, they are prepared to sacrifice everything to keep them. It is a hopelessly servile approach; it puts full power in the employer's hands. Employers take full advantage; they dole out one week's vacation, no more. All the while, they cultivate a belief that "taking time off is bad," causing workers to feel guilty about leaving the office.

In Europe, by contrast, employers do not dominate workers as much as they do in the United States. Additionally, workers in Europe keep both government and private industry honest through spirited political engagement. When governments in Europe deliberate measures that award more power to employers, workers revolt. When Congress does the same thing in America, workers meekly stay at home and watch Monday Night Football. Given such political apathy, it's no wonder American workers have virtually nothing by comparison to their European counterparts.

Europeans do not seem guilty about taking time off, either. I think this reflects another important difference between Europeans and Americans: The mental relationship to work. In America, workers tend to revere their jobs. They want to impress their bosses, advance and succeed. To do so, they want to make the best showing they possibly can. That means doing work at all times, even on weekends and holidays. This is the attitude that resists vacations: After all, how can you impress your boss in Toledo, Ohio if you are tanning on a beach in Brazil? You're not making the company any money tanning. Americans debate with themselves about taking any time off at all. They worry about making the wrong impression. They feel guilty about foisting their job duties on some poor sot who's stuck in the office. To assuage their guilt, they simply decide not to enjoy themselves when they ultimately go on vacation. They bring laptops and BlackBerries with them to theme parks, casinos and spas. They stay in touch with work when they are supposed to be relaxing. They even try to show their loyalty by agreeing to take off fewer days than the number to which they are entitled. They travel locally, not over long distances, "just in case they need to come back in an emergency."

In short, Americans don't escape their mental relationship to work, even when they are supposed to be on vacation. It's about work, not life. And people wonder why they are unhappy.

But Europeans forget work when they go on vacation. They don't take guilt-ridden 4-day "long weekends;" they take month-long sojourns. If someone has to pick up the slack at the office, so what? That guy will get his time off sooner or later, too. They do not bring office email accounts with them. They do not return work phone calls while drinking or dancing with friends in a Warsaw discotheque. More importantly, they actually have time to unwind, "switch from work mode," reflect and experience the world. At the same time, they are not worried about their bills, nor do they worry about the boss' wrath. Their bosses actually encourage them. This is the European approach to vacations. It is about life, not work.

Americans criticize Europeans for precisely that reason: They don't care about working enough. But what has America's dedication to work really won? Americans are generally more unhappy than their European counterparts. They face more anxiety and stress because they do not have a safety net. They face more workplace guilt and obligation. True, Americans keep more of their income than Europeans. If they're lucky, they can even own more property than Europeans. But what Europeans pay in higher tax they receive in a more compassionate existence. Their high taxes finance their month-long vacations and free medical care. And in some sense, their high taxes provide them more happiness. An existence with less guilt and less obligation is a happier existence.

But America won't change its mind about vacations any time soon. Employers hold far too much power here. It is not just economic power; it is psychological power. It is deeply entrenched, too. Until Americans stop feeling guilty about abandoning their poor-paying posts for more than two days at a time, employers will continue to hold their psychological edge. That pyschological edge maintains political apathy; and political apathy keeps employers strong.

In an abstract sense, vacation time is just a proxy for the much more significant difference between Europe and America: Who really holds the power? If you feel guilty about failing to serve your economic master even though you are entitled to take time off, are you really in control of your life?

Employers in America do not just control time. They control emotions, too. That is power.

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF EMPLOYED PERSONS WHO DEMAND PAID TIME TO GET DRUNK ON TUESDAY MORNINGS

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Mr. G. Horace Bierbauch, B.A., Office Administrator & Party Advocate; Record Holder, Michigan State Brewers’ Chalice Upside-Down Beer-Hose Competition.

Life is difficult for American workers. For two centuries now, workers have propelled our Nation to incredible success. We know how to get our jobs done. We show up every Monday morning and work every day straight until Friday afternoon. We even show up on the weekend if we need to. When we are not working, we try to take our minds off work with beer, ale, wine, spirits, shots and tequila. We need alcoholic interludes every weekend to keep focused on our work during the week. We work long weeks. Although we love our jobs and our tasks, we are tired. Put simply, weekends are not enough. We need more alcoholic interludes during the week.

Generally speaking, we never see midday light. We arrive at our offices in the morning, when the sunlight slants from the east, and we leave in the afternoon, when the sunlight slants from the west. Sometimes it is completely dark when we leave. Sometimes it is completely dark when we arrive; it depends on the season and how long we stay at work. But the bottom line is that we never enjoy ourselves on weekdays while the sun shines brightest. During those hours, we are dedicated to our jobs. During the brightness of day, our minds fixate wholly on our duties. If we find ourselves outside the office at midday, we feel that something is terribly wrong. On weekdays, the light tells us that we should be working, not enjoying ourselves.

Yet we cannot work effectively without enjoying ourselves at least a little bit. On weekends, we feel comfortable outside the office in daylight. We feel comfortable drinking under the midday sun for hours on end. Yet in those circumstances, we are far from work. We no longer dress in pressed suits, ties and slacks. We dress in shorts, flip-flops, sunglasses and T-shirts. We are not in copy centers or cubicles. We are on beaches, at barbeques, street parties, fairs, dance halls, wine bars, in bed or sitting on comfortable couches doing what we wish from moment to moment. Weekends rejuvenate us. But they constitute only 28% of the week. For the remaining 72% of the week—a very large majority—we find ourselves contending with deadlines, struggling to eat within a 45-minute break, typing brainless memos, avoiding irate bosses and attending sleep-inducing sales meetings. These times wear on us. Until Friday, we have no respite. During our work weeks, we often dream about our weekends. We wish we were outside in the midday sun drinking and walking in flip-flops. But here we are instead: Another day typing data into a spreadsheet in a button-down shirt for $15 an hour plus a few basic benefits and an air-conditioned office. Put simply, we are tired.

We need a midweek break. We, The National Association of Employed Persons Who Demand Paid Time to Get Drunk on Tuesday Mornings, believe that rested, relaxed workers are good workers. Alcohol helps us rest and relax. To that extent, we demand that our employers give us three hours every Tuesday to kick back, crack open beers and get utterly hammered at the office. We enjoy our jobs. We respect our employers. We just need a little time for ourselves while fulfilling employer objectives. Our weeks would be much more tolerable if we knew that we did not have to wait until Friday at 5 to start enjoying life. If we knew on Monday that on Tuesday we would have a whole morning to chat with our coworkers, down martinis, socialize, play drinking games, throw darts and eat free finger foods, the entire week would seem so much more bearable.

Traditionally, Tuesday mornings breed hopelessness in American workers. Unlike Wednesday mornings—the so-called “hump morning”—Tuesday falls into the dreaded “early week” category. As on Monday, Friday remains a distant dream on Tuesday. Workers must work incessantly for three more full days before even thinking about drinking, dancing, carousing and watching live sportscasts with friends. If things go poorly on Monday, Tuesday adds insult to injury. On a bad Tuesday, the worker can expect no end to the misery for days. This engenders hopeless despair, empty panic and dejection. By contrast, bad Thursday afternoons and bad Fridays impart some consolation: While things may be bad at those times, the worker knows that the end is near. That enables him or her to quietly bear workplace adversity in the knowledge that soon he or she will have 48 hours to drink and watch television as much as he or she wishes. Professionals may not have this luxury. Truly great employees work 7 days a week. But every American worker—whether a mail clerk or a senator—needs time for alcohol and escape. In this country, we work hard and we drink hard. That is just how we operate. It is hard to imagine how we would cope without alcohol.

We believe that a Tuesday morning alcohol break will invigorate employees all over America. Great companies understand that employees work best when their morale is high. Compensated beer parties at the office will raise morale, leading to more vigorous performance. Additionally, great companies understand that employees work best as a team. Allowing employees to get thoroughly bombed at the office will eliminate inhibitions between coworkers, resulting in increased team spirit, group ethics and camaraderie. Few things unite people more than alcohol. And the best companies effectively unite people to fulfill company goals. For that reason, midweek drinking sessions will boost company performance. When workers are happy, they work harder. When workers work harder, companies benefit. When companies benefit, the economy improves. When the economy improves, America prospers. In that sense, allowing workers to get plastered on Tuesday mornings will help America prosper. In dark economic times like these, we can think of no better way to get America rolling again.

Detractors claim that allowing workers to drink during work hours will harm company business. These critics note that intoxicated people cannot effectively answer phones, fill in order sheets, process documents, send mail or render advice to customers. We disagree. These critics fail to understand that most employment tasks at a modern American office do not require total sobriety. Making copies, collating papers, delivering mail, welcoming visitors, punching time clocks and writing letters can be accomplished whether dead drunk or completely sober. Furthermore, there is no substance to the argument that drunk people cannot effectively make phone calls or send written messages. We urge our critics to visit any local bar on a Saturday night. There, they will see that anyone—even unemployed people—can effectively engage in telephonic communication, send text messages and render cogent advice (ie, “It would be great if we, like, hooked up later at my place,” etc.) while irretrievably intoxicated. In short, allowing employees to get drunk at the office on Tuesday mornings will not affect everyday business tasks. In fact, drunk workers may actually perform their tasks with greater care than they would when sober, morose and depressed.

Tuesday morning beer bashes will solve many problems. Happy workers are better workers. Our critics fundamentally fail to understand this, even if happy workers slur their words, fall over furniture, grope coworkers, dump beer on the floor or inappropriately mimic sexual maneuvers while crunk-dancing with deputy supervisors. Alcohol does not substantially affect most office work-related duties. And more importantly, allowing workers an “escape” on Tuesdays will offer them a much-needed second-day break during interminable work weeks. Depressed workers help no one. They do not produce. They are not happy. They have nothing to look forward to. But Tuesday morning alcohol breaks will give even the gloomiest employees something to treasure at work. It will break their desperation and give them a reason to enjoy coming to the office. Again, happy workers are better workers. Happy workers are more loyal and more productive. What company wants moribund, pasty-faced, sad, depressive workers who unenthusiastically plod through company tasks for five days straight? Any reasonable employer would much rather have loyal, enthusiastic, dedicated employees who are happy to be at the office. An alcohol party on Tuesday mornings will make employees happy. That is why we demand time to get drunk at work on Tuesday mornings—it is in everyone’s interest.

We, The National Association of Employed Persons Who Demand Paid Time to Get Drunk on Tuesday Mornings, want America to prosper. Prosperity in America depends on happy, motivated, dedicated and loyal employees. The five-day work week is outdated. Workers need more than two days per week to drink and be happy. For that reason, we insist that workers receive a much-needed, work-related alcoholic interlude on Tuesday mornings. If workers have something to look forward to early each week, they will be more dedicated, more loyal and more productive all week long. They will associate work with “happy times.” And it is always better to have a smiling employee than a sad one.

When employees are happy, America wins. We can save our economy from ruin by making American workers happy to do their jobs. All it takes is a little time each week—and plenty of beer. Do your part for a better economy. Get drunk at work this Tuesday at 9:30 AM.

EMPLOYEEBUILDER®

Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd.
“Let’s Make a Difference™”
3412 Great Lakes Boulevard
Barrington, IL 60001

Dear Mr. Halbrooke,

You recently inquired about employment positions currently available through Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd. (“BIUF” or “Buff” as we like to call ourselves.) As you know, BIUF is a leading information technology outfit with offices in six major markets from coast to coast. We also maintain strong foreign sales. We lead the way in data facilitation services at all industry expos. Our design team, sales staff, development professionals and corporate leadership all take our motto seriously: “Let’s Make a Difference™.” Over the last two years, our annual revenues have increased from $450 million to $540 million. There is no reason to think that our upward arc will flatten.

At BIUF, we believe great products and great people mean great success. We also recognize that it is hard to find great people. The spirit of American business success is teamwork. Recognizing that, we look for strong team spirit in our potential employees. Everyone has a rank and position at BIUF. We have Second Deputy Design Project Assistants, Third Responsible Accounting Bureau Directors and First Reporting Secretarial Services Delivery Coordination Supervisors. No matter where you work at BIUF, you know your place and you play your position. We like to look at ourselves like a winning football team. And great football teams are composed of people who know what job they do: Quarterbacks don’t punt, and linebackers don’t throw.

You also inquired about pay and benefits packages at BIUF. In response to your questions, we pay all our employees in a competitive manner consistent with comparable industry norms. Our benefits package is also consistent with comparable industry norms. We understand that the only way to attract strong talent to BIUF is to offer competitive pay, and that is what we do. But we must point out that we live in changing times. In these days of financial crisis, employees can no longer insist on burdensome benefits and pay perks. Our employees understand that the company comes before their own well-being. They are grateful simply to be working. If they make a little less money, they make up for it with the inward satisfaction that they are playing on a team. And the team is winning.

You went on to ask whether BIUF pays overtimes wages. Yes, BIUF pays overtime wages—IN HELL. We expect all our employees to work overtime as a matter of course. We do not provide extra compensation simply because an employee works beyond traditional hours. As mentioned, we live in changing times. No company can succeed if its employees work only 8 hours per day. Team players balance their lives for the win. They put in the extra four evening hours when they have to. They do this to keep their jobs. They do this to advance the company’s interests. They do not gripe for extra money when they sacrifice family time. They know that no other company pays overtime wages, so they move forward with BIUF. A simple fact explains this: It is 2008; everyone works overtime. Overtime is the new 9-5. Why should you get extra money for working a regular day?

In olden days, federal law mandated that employees earn time-and-a-half for every hour worked beyond forty hours per week. But that law dates from 1937. It is 2008. Our economy has changed out of all recognition since that bygone era, and it does not make prudent business sense to follow an ancient law. Furthermore, mandatory overtime pay would reduce annual profits by up to 10%. That represents a crushing expense. Good businesses control costs; they do not let them run wild. Overtime is an antiquated entitlement. Workers need to adjust to the 21st Century. They need to understand that there is not as much money to go around as there used to be. And to stay competitive, businesses require more work, not less. Forcing businesses to overcompensate for every hour over forty would plunge them into financial ruin. If you don't want overtime, take a less challenging career: I hear that Burger King® is looking for managers.

You also inquired whether BIUF offers at least four weeks’ paid vacation. In response, we say that BIUF offers plenty of vacation time—MY ASS. At BIUF, we grant our employees 10 paid days off per calendar year. This is the minimum allowable under applicable law, and if it were up to us, we would not grant any days off. No one wins when employees go off on paid gallivants. BIUF maximizes production when employees are at their desks working, not when they are chasing Mexican prostitutes in Cancun. BIUF maintains its industry leadership when employees show up and run software protocols, not when they traipse off to Miami to drink pina coladas and sing karaoke with friends. We believe that 10 days off per calendar year is more than sufficient to allow time for family events, dentists’ appointments, “emergencies,” children’s school plays, deaths, illnesses, catastrophes and mental health maintenance. Anything more would gravely impact BIUF’s profit margins. Four weeks’ paid vacation? What do you think this is? Holland? We venture here to say that good American employees do not want time off. They remember who pays them and they gratefully do their jobs—without getting tired.

Lastly, you asked whether BIUF provides group health insurance. Yes, BIUF provides group health insurance—YOU THOUGHT. Again, you assume that BIUF adopts mid-20th Century business practices. We must say again: It is 2008. Companies simply cannot afford to pay monstrous insurance premiums for thousands of employees anymore. If BIUF had to indemnify its workers’ health, we would be lucky to maintain double-digit annual profit growth. Beyond that, it is not a modern company’s responsibility to insure employee health. This is not a risk BIUF should bear. Rather, employees must bear the risk of ill health. They are adults. They can do their own insurance shopping. They should be happy just to have a job in this economy, not whimper about minimal benefits. If an employee gets sick and misses work, he will be fired. That’s how the ball bounces. If he doesn’t have insurance, so what? What does that have to do with BIUF? He should have thought ahead.

In conclusion, we welcome your application to BIUF. We must observe, however, that your inquiries have set you out on the wrong foot. We have a feeling that you expect far too much grace from your employer. We also sense that you do not possess the selfless team spirit necessary to excel in our organization. Rather, it seems that you want overtime wages, vacation time and health insurance. Good employees do not complain; they do their jobs, smile and go home when we tell them to. We have a feeling that you will play ball only for yourself. We have a feeling that you will resent working on Sunday evenings. In 2008, employees need to remember that they are servants first, and individuals last. If you want a wage, you need to adjust your thinking. It is not about you anymore. It may have been about you in 1937, but it is 2008. Now, the man who pays the shekel calls the tune. You better play it the way we want, or no shekel for you.

Thank you for your interest in Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd. Good luck on your job search.

Sincerely,

Theodore F. Stingeford
Senior Placement Director and Third Subordinate Employee Benefits Coordinator