Wednesday, May 13, 2009



By : Mr. G. Horace Bierbauch, B.A., Office Administrator & Party Advocate; Record Holder, Michigan State Brewers’ Chalice Upside-Down Beer-Hose Competition.

Life is difficult for American workers. For two centuries now, workers have propelled our Nation to incredible success. We know how to get our jobs done. We show up every Monday morning and work every day straight until Friday afternoon. We even show up on the weekend if we need to. When we are not working, we try to take our minds off work with beer, ale, wine, spirits, shots and tequila. We need alcoholic interludes every weekend to keep focused on our work during the week. We work long weeks. Although we love our jobs and our tasks, we are tired. Put simply, weekends are not enough. We need more alcoholic interludes during the week.

Generally speaking, we never see midday light. We arrive at our offices in the morning, when the sunlight slants from the east, and we leave in the afternoon, when the sunlight slants from the west. Sometimes it is completely dark when we leave. Sometimes it is completely dark when we arrive; it depends on the season and how long we stay at work. But the bottom line is that we never enjoy ourselves on weekdays while the sun shines brightest. During those hours, we are dedicated to our jobs. During the brightness of day, our minds fixate wholly on our duties. If we find ourselves outside the office at midday, we feel that something is terribly wrong. On weekdays, the light tells us that we should be working, not enjoying ourselves.

Yet we cannot work effectively without enjoying ourselves at least a little bit. On weekends, we feel comfortable outside the office in daylight. We feel comfortable drinking under the midday sun for hours on end. Yet in those circumstances, we are far from work. We no longer dress in pressed suits, ties and slacks. We dress in shorts, flip-flops, sunglasses and T-shirts. We are not in copy centers or cubicles. We are on beaches, at barbeques, street parties, fairs, dance halls, wine bars, in bed or sitting on comfortable couches doing what we wish from moment to moment. Weekends rejuvenate us. But they constitute only 28% of the week. For the remaining 72% of the week—a very large majority—we find ourselves contending with deadlines, struggling to eat within a 45-minute break, typing brainless memos, avoiding irate bosses and attending sleep-inducing sales meetings. These times wear on us. Until Friday, we have no respite. During our work weeks, we often dream about our weekends. We wish we were outside in the midday sun drinking and walking in flip-flops. But here we are instead: Another day typing data into a spreadsheet in a button-down shirt for $15 an hour plus a few basic benefits and an air-conditioned office. Put simply, we are tired.

We need a midweek break. We, The National Association of Employed Persons Who Demand Paid Time to Get Drunk on Tuesday Mornings, believe that rested, relaxed workers are good workers. Alcohol helps us rest and relax. To that extent, we demand that our employers give us three hours every Tuesday to kick back, crack open beers and get utterly hammered at the office. We enjoy our jobs. We respect our employers. We just need a little time for ourselves while fulfilling employer objectives. Our weeks would be much more tolerable if we knew that we did not have to wait until Friday at 5 to start enjoying life. If we knew on Monday that on Tuesday we would have a whole morning to chat with our coworkers, down martinis, socialize, play drinking games, throw darts and eat free finger foods, the entire week would seem so much more bearable.

Traditionally, Tuesday mornings breed hopelessness in American workers. Unlike Wednesday mornings—the so-called “hump morning”—Tuesday falls into the dreaded “early week” category. As on Monday, Friday remains a distant dream on Tuesday. Workers must work incessantly for three more full days before even thinking about drinking, dancing, carousing and watching live sportscasts with friends. If things go poorly on Monday, Tuesday adds insult to injury. On a bad Tuesday, the worker can expect no end to the misery for days. This engenders hopeless despair, empty panic and dejection. By contrast, bad Thursday afternoons and bad Fridays impart some consolation: While things may be bad at those times, the worker knows that the end is near. That enables him or her to quietly bear workplace adversity in the knowledge that soon he or she will have 48 hours to drink and watch television as much as he or she wishes. Professionals may not have this luxury. Truly great employees work 7 days a week. But every American worker—whether a mail clerk or a senator—needs time for alcohol and escape. In this country, we work hard and we drink hard. That is just how we operate. It is hard to imagine how we would cope without alcohol.

We believe that a Tuesday morning alcohol break will invigorate employees all over America. Great companies understand that employees work best when their morale is high. Compensated beer parties at the office will raise morale, leading to more vigorous performance. Additionally, great companies understand that employees work best as a team. Allowing employees to get thoroughly bombed at the office will eliminate inhibitions between coworkers, resulting in increased team spirit, group ethics and camaraderie. Few things unite people more than alcohol. And the best companies effectively unite people to fulfill company goals. For that reason, midweek drinking sessions will boost company performance. When workers are happy, they work harder. When workers work harder, companies benefit. When companies benefit, the economy improves. When the economy improves, America prospers. In that sense, allowing workers to get plastered on Tuesday mornings will help America prosper. In dark economic times like these, we can think of no better way to get America rolling again.

Detractors claim that allowing workers to drink during work hours will harm company business. These critics note that intoxicated people cannot effectively answer phones, fill in order sheets, process documents, send mail or render advice to customers. We disagree. These critics fail to understand that most employment tasks at a modern American office do not require total sobriety. Making copies, collating papers, delivering mail, welcoming visitors, punching time clocks and writing letters can be accomplished whether dead drunk or completely sober. Furthermore, there is no substance to the argument that drunk people cannot effectively make phone calls or send written messages. We urge our critics to visit any local bar on a Saturday night. There, they will see that anyone—even unemployed people—can effectively engage in telephonic communication, send text messages and render cogent advice (ie, “It would be great if we, like, hooked up later at my place,” etc.) while irretrievably intoxicated. In short, allowing employees to get drunk at the office on Tuesday mornings will not affect everyday business tasks. In fact, drunk workers may actually perform their tasks with greater care than they would when sober, morose and depressed.

Tuesday morning beer bashes will solve many problems. Happy workers are better workers. Our critics fundamentally fail to understand this, even if happy workers slur their words, fall over furniture, grope coworkers, dump beer on the floor or inappropriately mimic sexual maneuvers while crunk-dancing with deputy supervisors. Alcohol does not substantially affect most office work-related duties. And more importantly, allowing workers an “escape” on Tuesdays will offer them a much-needed second-day break during interminable work weeks. Depressed workers help no one. They do not produce. They are not happy. They have nothing to look forward to. But Tuesday morning alcohol breaks will give even the gloomiest employees something to treasure at work. It will break their desperation and give them a reason to enjoy coming to the office. Again, happy workers are better workers. Happy workers are more loyal and more productive. What company wants moribund, pasty-faced, sad, depressive workers who unenthusiastically plod through company tasks for five days straight? Any reasonable employer would much rather have loyal, enthusiastic, dedicated employees who are happy to be at the office. An alcohol party on Tuesday mornings will make employees happy. That is why we demand time to get drunk at work on Tuesday mornings—it is in everyone’s interest.

We, The National Association of Employed Persons Who Demand Paid Time to Get Drunk on Tuesday Mornings, want America to prosper. Prosperity in America depends on happy, motivated, dedicated and loyal employees. The five-day work week is outdated. Workers need more than two days per week to drink and be happy. For that reason, we insist that workers receive a much-needed, work-related alcoholic interlude on Tuesday mornings. If workers have something to look forward to early each week, they will be more dedicated, more loyal and more productive all week long. They will associate work with “happy times.” And it is always better to have a smiling employee than a sad one.

When employees are happy, America wins. We can save our economy from ruin by making American workers happy to do their jobs. All it takes is a little time each week—and plenty of beer. Do your part for a better economy. Get drunk at work this Tuesday at 9:30 AM.

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