Thursday, May 28, 2009



Is your lawnmower blade doing its job? Are weeds overwhelming your front porch and ruining your garden? Are you sick and tired of cleaning out the lawnmower because it just isn’t cutting anymore? Isn’t it time to enjoy your lawn again?

Well you WON’T solve your problems if you buy Turbo-Cut® lawnmower blades! That’s right, our products will NOT solve your problems. Our non-patented, completely ineffective Dull-Blade® technology is guaranteed NOT to cut grass better than our competitors. In fact, it will cut grass WORSE than all our major competitors. And it will actually damage your lawn, too!

We don’t like our product and we don’t think you should buy it. You would be better off buying someone else’s lawnmower blades, not ours. Turbo-Cut® has been the subject of 1,592 product liability lawsuits since arriving on the market in 2002. It is guaranteed non-safe! You heard it: GUARANTEED NON-SAFE! It has a nasty tendency to fly off while your lawnmower is in operation due to an engineering flaw. Over 54 children have been injured or killed thanks to our product! DON’T BUY NOW! Operators are standing by to take your order. But again—we don’t recommend that you buy our product.

Turbo-Cut® is a terrible product. But don’t take our word for it. Let’s hear from some unsatisfied Turbo-Cut® customers:

“They charged me $459.99 for this piece of shit. It took me 12 hours to install the damn things, then I called their call center and they kept me on hold for 4 more hours. When I finally reached someone, I couldn’t understand a word he said because he had a Pakistani accent. Finally he told me that I probably forgot to turn on the lawnmower. I told him the lawnmower was fine; I was just trying to attach a blade to it. He said my attitude wasn’t helping anything. Finally I just gave up and returned the fucking thing. Then they wouldn’t give me a refund because I didn’t have a sales receipt. You’d have to be a goddamned idiot to buy Turbo-Cut®.”

-Bill, Maine.

“Well, I got it all hooked up and took my mower out for a ride. My grass was pretty long when I started. After mowing a bit, I looked back and noticed the grass was just as high as it was before I started. I thought: ‘Golly, I hope I put it on right.’ So I stopped the machine, got off and rearranged the blades. I gave it another go. As soon as I started up again, I heard a loud bang, then felt a terrible pain in my groin. I collapsed to the ground. Luckily my wife was there and she called 911. Apparently the blade broke free from the cowling and flew straight into my testicles. Now I only have one nut thanks to fucking Turbo-Cut®. They’re fighting me on compensation now, saying I should have read the instructions. I have never dealt with such a horrible company. I hope they all die. I’m stuck with one nut and they’re talking about an instruction manual that’s written in Chinese. Assholes. Turbo-Cut® might not cut your grass. But it sure as hell might cut off your balls."

-Ed, Pennsylvania.

“I bought a Turbo-Cut® 5-pack for my husband’s birthday last September. I decided I would hide them in the garage under some woodchips, then wrap them once the day got closer. Three weeks later, I went out to get the blades and discovered they were completely rusted through. I went to the store for a refund. I even had my sales receipt. They gave me a hard time. Finally, they put me on the phone with Turbo-Cut®’s customer service and returns department. I told them what happened and they said their products only have a limited 10-day warranty. I said that was bullshit. They said it was on the package. It was. So I wasted $219.99 and wound up with some rusted-ass worthless lawnmower blades. Screw you guys. Dealing with your company has been the worst experience in my life.”

-Mary Ann, Florida.

As you can see, our products are absolute garbage. They are also overpriced. A single blade costs $49.99. But we don’t sell single blades; you need to buy at least 5 at a time, so you’re looking at $249.95 to start. We also conceal our prices from customers. We try not to say how expensive they are because no one would buy them otherwise. Take it from us: We sell overpriced, unreliable, dangerous and flat-out bad products. Do yourself and your lawn a favor: DON’T CALL NOW!

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! If you call our non-toll-free number NOW, you will NOT receive a free gift. You will NOT receive a memento keyring, a beer cup holder or a glass unicorn. You also will NOT receive a gift certificate, store credit voucher or discount off your next purchase. If you call NOW, you will receive nothing but the product you order, and our inexperienced sales staff will probably get your order wrong, too. That’s right. You heard it. NO FREE GIFT! With us, you get NO FREE GIFT. And with us there's NO FREE SHIPPING! So why bother calling? You really should not waste your time with us. There are so many better companies out there. For your own sake, DON’T GIVE US YOUR BUSINESS.

Running low on cash? Think you want to buy Turbo-Cut® but you’re not sure whether you can afford it this month? NO PROBLEM! But we don’t offer competitive financing options. If you get a loan through our financing department, it’s due in full within 30 days, plus interest, fees, costs and penalties. It’s a very unfair deal for you. You really shouldn’t buy our product if you need financing. You will get screwed badly in the end. Our competitors offer much better financing deals. You really should try calling them instead. We would love to win your business. But frankly we really don’t deserve it because our products are bad and we will overcharge you if you need a loan to buy them. Be smart. Avoid us at all costs.

Take a look at your lawn. You need lawnmower blades that work, not our shitty products. They won’t cut your grass. They won’t work. In fact, they will probably injure you or your children. They will also cost you a fortune. They will also cause you terrible frustration and long waits on the phone with our unprofessional customer service representatives. Be fair to yourself and to us. DON’T CALL OUR NON-TOLL-FREE NUMBER—EVER.

We sell the worst product on the market. It’s unsafe. It’s expensive. It’s unreliable. We don’t stand behind it. We don’t give refunds. We don’t offer free gifts. We don’t offer fair finance plans. You really should look elsewhere. If you CALL NOW, you will face frustration, trouble and even physical injury. YOU DON’T WANT THAT, DO YOU? Then stop listening to this advertisement. If you CALL NOW, you are just going to hurt yourself and your family.

When you think bad products, just remember the name: Turbo-Cut®. When you think about lawnmower blades, just remember our motto: America’s Worst Lawnmower Blades at the Worst Prices. Guaranteed. Don’t be a fool. Don’t call. Our untrained call center wage-earners are standing by. Well, actually they probably aren’t. They are probably having a call center pizza party and talking about nails and hair. But if you do reach them, get ready for a long wait on hold.

When you need to mow your lawn RIGHT, don’t think Turbo-Cut®. Calling us will be the worst decision you ever make. Guaranteed (subject to limitations contained in applicable owner's manual. See store for details).

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