Thursday, December 18, 2008


Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd.
“Let’s Make a Difference™”
3412 Great Lakes Boulevard
Barrington, IL 60001
Dear Mr. Halbrooke,

You recently inquired about employment positions currently available through Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd. (“BIUF” or “Buff” as we like to call ourselves.) As you know, BIUF is a leading information technology outfit with offices in six major markets from coast to coast. We also maintain strong foreign sales. We lead the way in data facilitation services at all industry expos. Our design team, sales staff, development professionals and corporate leadership all take our motto seriously: “Let’s Make a Difference™.” Over the last two years, our annual revenues have increased from $450 million to $540 million. There is no reason to think that our upward arc will flatten.

At BIUF, we believe great products and great people mean great success. We also recognize that it is hard to find great people. The spirit of American business success is teamwork. Recognizing that, we look for strong team spirit in our potential employees. Everyone has a rank and position at BIUF. We have Second Deputy Design Project Assistants, Third Responsible Accounting Bureau Directors and First Reporting Secretarial Services Delivery Coordination Supervisors. No matter where you work at BIUF, you know your place and you play your position. We like to look at ourselves like a winning football team. And great football teams are composed of people who know what job they do: Quarterbacks don’t punt, and linebackers don’t throw.

You also inquired about pay and benefits packages at BIUF. In response to your questions, we pay all our employees in a competitive manner consistent with comparable industry norms. Our benefits package is also consistent with comparable industry norms. We understand that the only way to attract strong talent to BIUF is to offer competitive pay, and that is what we do. But we must point out that we live in changing times. In these days of financial crisis, employees can no longer insist on burdensome benefits and pay perks. Our employees understand that the company comes before their own well-being. They are grateful simply to be working. If they make a little less money, they make up for it with the inward satisfaction that they are playing on a team. And the team is winning.

You went on to ask whether BIUF pays overtimes wages. Yes, BIUF pays overtime wages—IN HELL. We expect all our employees to work overtime as a matter of course. We do not provide extra compensation simply because an employee works beyond traditional hours. As mentioned, we live in changing times. No company can succeed if its employees work only 8 hours per day. Team players balance their lives for the win. They put in the extra four evening hours when they have to. They do this to keep their jobs. They do this to advance the company’s interests. They do not gripe for extra money when they sacrifice family time. They know that no other company pays overtime wages, so they move forward with BIUF. A simple fact explains this: It is 2008; everyone works overtime. Overtime is the new 9-5. Why should you get extra money for working a regular day?

In olden days, federal law mandated that employees earn time-and-a-half for every hour worked beyond forty hours per week. But that law dates from 1937. It is 2008. Our economy has changed out of all recognition since that bygone era, and it does not make prudent business sense to follow an ancient law. Furthermore, mandatory overtime pay would reduce annual profits by up to 10%. That represents a crushing expense. Good businesses control costs; they do not let them run wild. Overtime is an antiquated entitlement. Workers need to adjust to the 21st Century. They need to understand that there is not as much money to go around as there used to be. And to stay competitive, businesses require more work, not less. Forcing businesses to overcompensate for every hour over forty would plunge them into financial ruin. If you don't want overtime, take a less challenging career: I hear that Burger King® is looking for managers.

You also inquired whether BIUF offers at least four weeks’ paid vacation. In response, we say that BIUF offers plenty of vacation time—MY ASS. At BIUF, we grant our employees 10 paid days off per calendar year. This is the minimum allowable under applicable law, and if it were up to us, we would not grant any days off. No one wins when employees go off on paid gallivants. BIUF maximizes production when employees are at their desks working, not when they are chasing Mexican prostitutes in Cancun. BIUF maintains its industry leadership when employees show up and run software protocols, not when they traipse off to Miami to drink pina coladas and sing karaoke with friends. We believe that 10 days off per calendar year is more than sufficient to allow time for family events, dentists’ appointments, “emergencies,” children’s school plays, deaths, illnesses, catastrophes and mental health maintenance. Anything more would gravely impact BIUF’s profit margins. Four weeks’ paid vacation? What do you think this is? Holland? We venture here to say that good American employees do not want time off. They remember who pays them and they gratefully do their jobs—without getting tired.

Lastly, you asked whether BIUF provides group health insurance. Yes, BIUF provides group health insurance—YOU THOUGHT. Again, you assume that BIUF adopts mid-20th Century business practices. We must say again: It is 2008. Companies simply cannot afford to pay monstrous insurance premiums for thousands of employees anymore. If BIUF had to indemnify its workers’ health, we would be lucky to maintain double-digit annual profit growth. Beyond that, it is not a modern company’s responsibility to insure employee health. This is not a risk BIUF should bear. Rather, employees must bear the risk of ill health. They are adults. They can do their own insurance shopping. They should be happy just to have a job in this economy, not whimper about minimal benefits. If an employee gets sick and misses work, he will be fired. That’s how the ball bounces. If he doesn’t have insurance, so what? What does that have to do with BIUF? He should have thought ahead.

In conclusion, we welcome your application to BIUF. We must observe, however, that your inquiries have set you out on the wrong foot. We have a feeling that you expect far too much grace from your employer. We also sense that you do not possess the selfless team spirit necessary to excel in our organization. Rather, it seems that you want overtime wages, vacation time and health insurance. Good employees do not complain; they do their jobs, smile and go home when we tell them to. We have a feeling that you will play ball only for yourself. We have a feeling that you will resent working on Sunday evenings. In 2008, employees need to remember that they are servants first, and individuals last. If you want a wage, you need to adjust your thinking. It is not about you anymore. It may have been about you in 1937, but it is 2008. Now, the man who pays the shekel calls the tune. You better play it the way we want, or no shekel for you.

Thank you for your interest in Boot-It-Up-Fast Software Manufacturing Associates, Ltd. Good luck on your job search.


Theodore F. Stingeford
Senior Placement Director and Third Subordinate Employee Benefits Coordinator

No comments: