Sunday, December 28, 2008


By : Mr. Edward G. Donaldson, Partner, Donaldson, Anderson & Williamson, LLP, Attorneys at Law Specializing in Property & Wealth Management

Next month, America will celebrate National Women’s Day. In February, we celebrate Black History Month. After that, America will observe Gay Awareness Week. Still later, Americans will come together for Disabled Rights Month. In the 21st Century, it seems we can scarcely go a month without recognizing some historically disadvantaged group.

But what about white male pricks with jobs and wives? Don’t we deserve some recognition, too? After all, ladies, fruitcakes and colored people get special days, and they are far less important than we are. America needs to remember who pays salaries and creates opportunity: White male pricks with jobs and wives. Yet we get no special respect on the calendar. This is inequality. And we refuse to countenance it any longer.

America underestimates white male pricks with jobs and wives. We are the guys who drive this Nation. We write the laws, pronounce the sentences and make the money. We own the banks, businesses and airlines. We do the hiring. We do the paying. We have almost all the money. If it were not for us, no American would have a job. No one would be able to pay their bills, and no one would be able to afford Christmas gifts. Yet how does America repay us? America honors women and blacks. It should be kissing our white posteriors, but instead it wastes its energy on fringe groups who do nothing for the economy. America would do well to remember that we were the guys who allowed blacks and women to be people in the first place. In that light, the fact that white male pricks with jobs and wives get no special recognition smacks of ingratitude. If it weren't for us, they would still be slaves and serving wenches.

True, America did elect a black President. But that is just a passing fad. And what will Obama really do to change things, anyway? Take away our companies? If he tries to cut in on white ownership interests, he had better hire a better security detail. As white male pricks with jobs, we understand what we have. We enjoy what we have created. We will not lose what we have earned over two and a half centuries in North America. History shows our willingness to defend what we own. Obama will not take away what is rightfully ours.

Americans do not really care about women, blacks, homosexuals or cripples. They are happy to take a day off for them once in a while, but when push comes to shove, they would prefer to celebrate the guys who allow everyone to pay their mortgages. That’s right: White male pricks with jobs and wives. We’re the guys who bankroll your paycheck. We’re the guys who manufacture your car. We’re the guys who defend you in court. While it may be tempting to celebrate dynamic speakers like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Susan B. Anthony, Americans should also show some respect to the “silent partners” who run this country. Just imagine if Dick Cheney never became famous. That’s us. And we want some damn respect.

In this country, all men are created equal. Everyone has the same opportunity to reach success. But white male pricks with jobs won the race first. Everyone else has to play by our rules, whether they like it or not. Jefferson said that Americans have a right to life, liberty, and to pursue happiness. The key word there is “property.” There is only so much property to go around, and we have most of it. Sorry, everyone. That’s just the way it is. We might be white male pricks, but we also have jobs and almost all the property. Sure, a few token black athletes have some cash. But chances are they’ll blow it all before their balling days are over. Why celebrate that? You should celebrate the quietly strong white male pricks who generate this country’s wealth.

We just want to be heard. We are sick and tired of hearing about “disadvantaged minorities” who want to tell their woeful tales to the world. What about us? Don’t we get a chance to tell our stories? We have heard enough about the suffrage battle and the slave ships. Let’s talk about getting dressed for work every morning, scheduling client meetings, rejecting loan applications, commuting and buying homes. These are the kinds of things white male pricks do. We might not do really exciting or inspiring things, but we do important things. If you follow our example, you might actually get somewhere in life. By contrast, if you try to follow Michael Jordan’s example, you will almost undoubtedly fail. In that light, by honoring white male pricks with jobs and wives, you will encourage feasible goal-making in our society, not fantastic daydreaming. Just face it: If you’re black, chances are you will not be a sports star, rapper or civil rights leader. If you’re a woman, you will not be a gender rights crusader. So why waste your time listening to hackneyed myths? Stop inflating your hopes. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

White male pricks with jobs are wives are realistic people. We did not get where we are today by dreaming impossible dreams. We got where we are today because our dads gave us our jobs and we kept working until our bosses told us to go home. Yet no one tells our story. Rather, Americans waste their time hearing “moving” stories about downtrodden groups every month. It is time for white male pricks with jobs and wives to be heard. We refuse to be second-class citizens any longer. We demand a special week for recognition. We insist that all Americans pay homage to white male pricks with jobs and wives. We matter more than anyone else; isn’t it only fair that we, too, get a special recognition week? Who really cares about Native American History Day? Wouldn’t you rather celebrate Banking Services Executive Day? We need to stop the discrimination. We need to start recognizing white male pricks with jobs and wives. We might not be the most inspiring or commendable people in the world, but we are your bosses. We have your money. And we are people, too.

In 2009, tell your Congressman that you do not believe in segregation or unequal treatment for anyone. Tell him that everyone deserves a special day, week or month, even the white male pricks with jobs and wives who make everyone else’s life miserable.

Some may say that white male pricks with jobs and wives are the very people who created the difficulties that minorities remember on their special days. But that is not the point. White male pricks with jobs and wives may very well have made life difficult on blacks, women and homosexuals, but that does not justify differential treatment for white male pricks with jobs and wives. In this country, everyone deserves equal treatment, even the people who treat others unequally. The bottom line is that blacks get a whole month to celebrate their heroes. White male pricks with jobs and wives do not. That is discrimination, pure and simple. With your support, we will bring justice to white male pricks with jobs and wives. Soon, white male pricks with jobs and wives will get a month to celebrate their heroes as well.

During Black History Month this February, you will hear about George Washington Carver and Otis Redding. During White Male Prick Month in March, you will hear about Archibald F. Witherspoon III and Raymond F. Horvath, Senior Financing Managers at National Deposit Trust Co., Inc. These are our heroes. We refuse to be silent. We demand equality; and we will get it. If history has shown us anything, it is that white male pricks with jobs and wives always get what they want in this country.

Stand together, all you proud white male pricks with jobs and wives! You are doing the right thing in life. The day of official neglect is over. The day of official recognition is about to begin. And we will not be moved. Then again, how could we? We are the ones who move everyone else.

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