Monday, December 22, 2008



Suitable Female Candidate for Marriage Contract : Please Apply Within

About Me : I am a 47-year-old insurance professional employed by a Fortune 100 Company. I have worked hard my entire career and have amassed a sizable fortune. I own a 3500-square-foot home in Illinois and a beach house in Florida. During my youth, I avoided romantic contact in order to maximize my work commitments and to advance swiftly up the corporate ladder. From time to time, I patronized escort services on weekends or Holidays. In recent years, I have been feeling increasingly lonely. Despite my financial success, I feel an increasing desire to share my life with another person. I want to know that I am not alone in the house at night. I want to be able to talk to someone when I have time off. I want home-cooked meals when I get home from work at a respectable hour. And I would like to have a regular sexual outlet. I am in pretty good shape and I am very stable. I have some idiosyncrasies related to my rigorous work schedule, but I am certain a suitable candidate will be able to accommodate them. Basically, I am a very good guy who just needs someone to be with now that I’m getting older. Money alone just doesn’t cut it for me anymore, so I’m looking for a mate.

What I Can Offer : I can offer a ½ property interest in my complete financial portfolio, consistent with local contract law, and subject to all relevant limitations governing separate property as defined in applicable statutes. While the marriage contract is in place, you will not have to work. I will provide for your housing, food, transportation, medical care, life insurance, health insurance and entertainment. You will have full access to a joint bank account from which you are free to draw funds for daily expenses, shopping, luxuries and professional appointments. You will be free to shop, socialize and entertain yourself as you see fit while the marriage contract is in effect. Barring irreconcilable difficulties or gross contract breach, upon my death you will inherit my entire estate. At present, my estate totals $11,500,000.54. My current annual income is $453,106.21. Judging from current income levels, I anticipate that, by age 65, my estate will total in excess of $25,000,000.00. In essence, I can offer you lifetime financial security. Finally, I promise unconditionally to pay for the Marriage Contract Conclusion Ceremony (MCCC), also known as the “Wedding.”

What I Would Like to See in You : I would like you to be a relatively young, pert and mildly intelligent woman with a mediocre educational background. I will expect you to remain in good physical condition (I retain sole discretion to determine whether your physical condition is sufficient) while the marriage contract is in place. I will expect you to have decent-sized breasts, subject to my approval. I will expect you to be cheerful when I am in the house. I will expect you to handle domestic duties while I am at work between Monday and Saturday, generally from 6 AM to 8 PM. Such domestic duties will vary according to the agreement of the parties (us), but generally such duties will include—but will in no wise be limited to: washing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, emptying the garbage can, walking any household pets (the acquisition whereof is negotiable consistent with my approval), scheduling appointments and engaging household assistance services, such as carpet cleaners, landscapers and cleaning women. I will further expect you to render cheerful sexual services on demand. Although I have not yet decided how many times per week I would like such services from you, I can promise that my busy work schedule, erectile difficulties and stress levels will not permit more than five (5) completed sexual encounters per calendar week. I expect you to be generally loyal to me, although an occasional extramarital affair may be tolerated given my work situation. I know that I work a lot. I will not be around very often, and if you feel the need to pleasure yourself with another man, I can indulge you if the situation warrants it. I do not want to be alone. I know I am not the best-looking guy and I will not be in the house too much. I am realistic; and you are only human. Additionally, I would like you to be at least partially honest with me. Tell me that you love me once in a while, even if you need to lie. Finally, I would like you to be either white or Asian. I will reserve greater consideration for Asians.

Disclosures : There are things you should know about me before deciding whether you wish to conclude a marriage contract with me. First, I occasionally lose my temper when things go poorly at work. I shout and yell from time to time. I have thrown household items into walls when stock prices slump. Second, I pick my nose. This is a nasty habit, and I think it is only fair that you know about it in advance. Third, I have a bad breath problem. I would appreciate if you kiss me for who I am, but I will understand if you do not want to kiss me because my breath smells like death. Fourth, I like drinking. I say patently absurd things when I am drunk, and I cannot promise that I will not insult, patronize, verbally abuse or physically molest you during intoxicated periods. Fifth, I am quite unexciting, boring and dorky. No one achieves financial success in this country without to some extent being an unexciting, boring, slavish dork, and you can expect such behavior from me. I do not really take chances, I like really bad popular music, I do not really have any interests outside work and I talk about my job all the time. Sixth, I am not very intimate. My job is astoundingly mundane and I rarely have energy to do anything but make phone calls, assemble data sheets and give pie graph presentations. I cannot promise rip-roaring, sweat-dripping sex or even truly caring hugs. I simply do not have the emotional capacity to be truly intimate. I have other, more minor flaws that do not warrant disclosure here. Nonetheless, it is my professional opinion that my drawbacks are a small price to pay for an immediate ½ property interest in my entire estate, and an expectancy to inherit up to $25,000,000.00.

Next Steps : I welcome applications from all interested candidates. If you are looking for a comfortable life with minimal responsibilities, I welcome your inquiries. I am looking to conclude a marriage contract as soon as is practicable. To that end, I encourage all interested candidates to submit application materials to me without delay. Please include facial photographs, semi-nude photographs and nude photographs. Please also include an essay discussing why you think you would be a good match for me. Next, please submit a full, verified educational history including official transcripts. Lastly, please include your income tax returns for the last seven (7) years. This will provide me an insight into whether you truly have the capacity to care about me, or whether your main motivation is simply to bear with me until I die and you get the money. Although I know that my money is a motivating factor for many candidates, I would like at least to delude myself into thinking that I mean something more as a human being.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to a well bargained-for and mutually beneficial contractual relationship with the best candidate!

(Applicants bear all postage costs associated with application materials. No exceptions.)

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