EMPLOYEEBUILDER®

At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we want to help you get a job. In recent months, the employment market has collapsed. Many people have no work. Many people struggle to pay their bills. Even educated young people have difficulty finding employment in their chosen fields. There simply is not enough money to pay them. Employers have a difficult choice: Either hire employees and cut down on profits, or "minimize" employees to increase profits. In the spirit of American enterprise, we cannot fault employers for choosing the latter course.

This year, we watched two presidential candidates tell us that "creating jobs" is a top priority in America. We agree. At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we believe that America thrives in a culture of employment. In a culture of employment, everyone knows their place. There are employers and employees. There are wage-payors and wage-earners. There is labor and compensation. Employees enrich their employers, making them happy. At the same time, employers compensate their employees, making them happy. Happiness is a question of degree, depending on whether a person is an employer or an employee. For the employer, happiness comes from gross profits totaling $4,400,000 this year as opposed to $4,121,000 last year. For the employee, happiness comes from receiving $28,150 in wages, less taxes, plus a $750 Christmas bonus, less taxes, compared to a mere $450 Christmas bonus last year, also less taxes. Happiness is relative. Everyone is different. Everyone has a different income.

But America faces a problem: Not enough people live in the culture of employment. In these dark economic times, America has lost jobs, not created them. The candidates spoke about job creation. How do we create a job? It sounds simpler than it actually is. A "job" represents a major capital investment. In lean economic times like these, it is difficult to convince those with capital to spend money on something so unpredictable as a person. Yet this is what we must do in order to "create jobs." Employers must have more money to spend.

At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we want to make sure that employers have all the money they need to secure every American a place in the culture of employment. To that end, today we will begin publishing materials in a new series called EMPLOYEEBUILDER®. We want our readers to know what employers want in their employees. We want to clear the air. We want to take the confusion and frustration out of your job search by telling you precisely what employers want in their employees. As the title says, we want to help build employees. To build a machine, you need to know which parts to use. We are confident that our articles will help make you into a finely-tuned employment machine. We are confident that you will scrap all your inefficient parts and retain only the useful ones. After all, as we said, employers are not happy about investing capital in risky ventures like people. But if you build yourself into a superior employment machine, any investor will jump at the chance to pour money into you.

To help you in your quest for employment, we will publish articles from leading employers about the employment characteristics they seek. By reading articles straight from the men who may hire you, you can tailor yourself directly to their requirements. In short, you will "build" yourself as an employee. If you build yourself according to employers' specifications, you will find yourself employed, paid and happy. We hope that you enjoy--and use--the resources we provide in our EMPLOYEEBUILDER® series. Good luck in your job search!


EMPLOYABILITY CRITERIA FOR CORPORATE POSITIONS IN THE 21st CENTURY

By : Ms. Nadia F. Courtney, Placement Coordinator & Human Resources Team Initiative Management Director (Unmarried, Age 29) for Chase Bank, N.A.

Applicants to corporate positions need to show dedication to the employer's mission. We recognize that you may not have practical experience in our precise line of work. But you can still win employment if you meet some very straightforward criteria. Obviously you will begin the process by sending a resume and cover letter. Your resume will count for very little in our consideration. Essentially, we will use it to update your contact information and to see whether you attended a respectable school. Still, just because we look to see whether you attended a respectable school does not mean we care whether you did well. Academic success damages your prospective employability; it does not enhance it. Contrary to popular belief, intelligence and insight do not make a good employee. Much the opposite: Intelligence and insight often undermine singular dedication to the employer's mission. In that light, we urge high-performing students not to assume that their stellar grades will automatically land them a job. Snotty "lone wolves" never succeed. We are looking for "team players." Put generally, lower intelligence and group-oriented thinking much better suit our purposes.

Below, we print key employability criteria for the 21st Century. If you meet these criteria, you can be confident that an employer will hire you. Employees are risky investments. Employers--like all investors--will do their homework to minimize potential risks before committing their money to your wages. True, a good employee makes untold profit for minimal investment. But a bad one can rapidly turn into a money sieve. Please study these criteria carefully. They should guide your job search. If you do not meet them, make improvement so you do. You can build yourself into an employee. Just follow the list.

1. Employees must be between the ages of 21 and 30. Individuals over age 30 tend to have non-work-related commitments that interfere dramatically with workplace responsibility.

2. Employees must be unmarried. Employees with long-term relationships deserve special scrutiny due to the risk of outside emotional commitment that can distract from workplace efficiency.

3. Employees must have no children. Children represent a fundamental commitment of time. This presents an insuperable conflict between the employer's demand for time and the child's upbringing. Employers deserve all your time. Children make it impossible for you to give it to them.

4. Employees must have their own health insurance. Employer-paid health plans cripple profit margins by increasing operating costs. New employees need to buy their own insurance. This is not a cost employers should bear, even if employment leads to increased risks of illness and injury.

5. Employees must never make personal telephone calls or step outside for lunch. Dedication to the employer's mission requires undivided attention. Breaking your focus with banter and meals hurts the man who pays your wages. If you need to eat, bring a bag lunch and eat at your desk--on your own time.

6. Employees with team sports experience deserve special consideration. Modern business is all about teamwork. Success depends on everyone playing their position. Employees who know how to play as a team contribute best to the employment mission. On the contrary, those without team experience put their own ideas before the employer's mission. That is unacceptable.

7. Employees must possess the minimum intelligence necessary to understand employer jargon. Every employer has his own language. Employees must adapt to it quickly. For example, employees must know the meaning of such sentences as: "Fall '08 Coordination Team Management Diversity Initiative Program - Q3."

8. Employees must always be available for overtime work, at no additional compensation. Modern business does not stop at 5 PM, Monday through Friday. Dedication to employer success requires that all employees be prepared to "pitch in" during evenings, nights, weekends, holidays and sick days. The best employees do this cheerfully. No one wins when employees grumble about having to miss the football game on Sunday afternoon.

9. Employees must possess technical skills, such as typing, photocopying, sending faxes, answering telephones, taking notes, operating a computer, sending email, using a calculator, writing with a pen and reading a clock.

10. Employees must never complain. Complaining injures workplace morale, hampering productivity for all. Employers would not have invested money in your wages if they knew you would be ungrateful for the opportunities they offer.

11. Employees must be relatively superficial, obedient, subservient, boring, one-dimensional and tireless. The best employees do not discuss matters beyond those necessary to complete their daily tasks. They do what they are told without complaint the first time. They respect their superiors and they do not ever get tired while on the job. They show up on-time every day and answer the phone with a standard greeting. The best employees are grateful for their jobs. And their work reflects their gratitude.

12. Employees must be relatively good-looking. Employers typically deal with outside customers. Outside customers occasionally encounter employees. When they do, they deserve to see relatively good-looking faces. Good-looking female employees may even be asked to accompany senior managers to client meetings or to perform other business-building initiatives.

13. Employees must be loyal. No one likes a two-face. Employees must never betray employer information to competitors for any purpose whatsoever. Disloyal employees will be fired immediately. Governmental authorities will also be notified. Employees must simply remember who is paying their bills. That should keep their loyalties intact.

14. Employees must be rather stupid and unsophisticated. Stupidity and unsophistication increase the potential for loyalty and dedication to the employer's mission. Stupid and unreflecting employees tend to accomplish employer goals more readily than intelligent or analytical employees. An employee must be intelligent enough to possess the technical skills needed to do the job; any surplus intelligence will be counted against him.

15. Employees must wear standard attire, even during time off. Respect for the employer's mission requires close-knit esprit de corps. Uniform clothing creates pride in the employer's work and a sense of group belonging. Good employees are grateful for their jobs and wages. To that extent, they should wear clothing that bears the employer's name even during time off.

16. Employees must have relatively decent hygiene. Smelly applicants will not be considered.

Good luck. If you can fulfill these criteria, you can be confident that you will obtain employment. Please note that these criteria apply to high-level applicants. Lesser standards may apply for those seeking less challenging work.