Monday, December 1, 2008


By : Major General Kyle A. Freshkill, United States Marine Corps (USMC), Public Relations Attache

Last week’s drama in Mumbai demonstrates that the worldwide terrorist threat is alive and well. These Muslim hooligans never stop thinking about how to execute their next atrocity. In 2001, they took us by surprise by ramming airliners into buildings and sending anthrax-laced letters to defenseless women. In 2002, they bombed nightclubs. In 2003, they took to the streets of Baghdad and fired on our troops while wearing civilian clothing. In 2004, they beheaded and burned innocent American contractors. In 2005, they made road travel in Iraq impossible by lining the routes with IEDs. Now in 2008, they think they are urban commandoes by seizing a hotel and holding an entire city hostage. Bottom line: These cowards always try to kick us in the nuts when we’re not looking. I offer a challenge to you back-stabbing towelheads: Come out from behind that wall and fight the U.S. military like men.

In the American military, we fight honorably. We have the best weaponry on earth, and we know how to use it. We can put a 500-pound laser guided bomb in your wife’s toilet bowl from 45 miles away, and we can see in the dark, too. Our fighting men and women wear bulletproof armor and they can win any shootout. We have satellite rangefinder equipment that can pinpoint any terror den or mosque. We see them before they see us; and we see you, hide your wives, ‘cause an airstrike will be incoming faster than you can say: “Allah akbar.” Terrorists know they can’t touch us in open battle. But they are lowdown, dirty, cheating, stinking rats, so they try to beat us with tricks and traps.

So you guys think you’re tough, huh? You think you’re special because you backstabbed 4000 American troops in Iraq and some Australian bimbos in Bali? If you’re so great, why don’t you come out and fight like men? I spit on your IEDs and booby traps. Bring out your 10 best fighters onto an open field and see how they do against our A-10 tank-busting ground attack planes, a platoon of M1A1 tanks and a marine company. Who’d be “terrorized” then, buddy? But we know you won’t. You don’t have the guts. You’re a bunch of lily-livered pansy Muslims. You know you can’t mess with the best, so you try to bitch-slap us while we’re distracted. Well guess what: You’re the bitches. And you’re going to get slapped before it’s all said and done, no matter how many civilians get in the way.

I get frustrated when I think how much money we’ve spent on high-tech weaponry and we can’t even use it effectively against these lowdown punks. Back in 1991, the Iraqis actually took our challenge and stood up to us in open battle. We spanked their brown butts so bad they still can’t sit down; our own bombers killed more of our guys than they did. Now, the Iraqis—along with their al-Qaeda friends—make it impossible for us to use our best weapons. They don’t have tanks or big juicy targets to hit; most of the time it’s just some teenager who rushes out from behind a fig market with an AK-47. What good is a laser-guided bomb against that? He takes down a Marine, then we put a cap in his head. Done. Man, this shit is frustrating. If these cowards had just put on their pants and fought like men from the get-go, we would have been done in Iraq before the Super Bowl in ’04.

Terrorists are nothing but punks. You know what I’m talking about. Remember the punk from high school? He was the little sissy who always told people off, then ran away when somebody called his bluff. He might try to trip you in the lunch line or embarrass you in front of your friends, but he’d always tuck tail and run the minute you put him in real danger. Just like the high school punk, terrorists try to publicly humiliate the United States every chance they get. But as soon as the cavalry shows up, they run for the mountains and hide in goat-holes. If you’re so tough, why don’t you fight the guys you say you hate so much? What do you say to that, you Islamic punks? Afraid of the daisy-cutters, aren’t you? Don’t want to hang with the 50-cal, huh? Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and go a few rounds with an F-15 strike wing. We’ll see who the tough guy is then.

I know these punks will not take my challenge. They think they’re strong when they blow up defenseless civilians. They even think they’re brave when they strap on dynamite and hop on a bus. But they are neither strong nor brave enough to come on down to the battlefield for some one-on-one action with our tanks and bombers. Yeah, anyone can blow up people going to work on a Monday morning. But no one can come down and duke it out fair and square with the U.S. military. Terrorists say they are smart for avoiding open combat with our troops. They say they are “guerrilla” fighters who wisely sidestep direct encounters. They know they are outclassed from a technological standpoint, so they fight in a manner that neutralizes our technological advantage. No matter what they say, I say they are lowdown rats and cowards. You only have AK-47s and RPGs? Our attack choppers would be happy to take you on.

If the terrorists really wanted to humiliate us, they would beat us at our own game. To beat us at our own game, they need to play ball on the battlefield. Until they do that, I’m going to continue calling them punks. They can kill as many civilians as they want, but until they can start killing U.S. troops face-to-face and bullet-to-bullet, they will still be a bunch of backstabbing losers. Who knows what kind of crap they’re planning now. Maybe they’ll put a bomb in fruit salad or something. Whatever it is, I am quite sure they will not put on uniforms, announce a time and fight us fair and square in a place where our air power can make a difference. Basically, they are going to keep acting like bitches. And we’re going to keep treating them like bitches.

Aw, did I offend you, Ahmed? Well how about you come on out from behind that sheet, grab your rifle and fight us, here and now. Let’s settle this once and for all. Stop thinking you’re tough because you killed some defenseless pipe repairmen. Let’s see how you do against cruise missiles and tanks. Let’s make it a fair fight. No IEDs, no ambushes and no landmines. Just you, your AK-47 and your Qur’an against our GPS systems, Apache helicopters and self-propelled artillery in broad daylight with no cover.

Go ahead. Try us. We have an air force. You don’t.


Augustus said...

Lord Oesterhoudt
Firstly, I must congratulate you on the high quality of your Blog, which will undoubtedly represent and inspiration for my recently established and infinitely more modest cybernetic abode. Although we are both the American Citizens, Your Lordship appears to share some of the same values, particularly the traditional Victorian outlook which your name, icon, and (some of the) ideas/ideals your Site conveys.

Secondly, I must express my full agreement with your anti-terrorist stance, for the unfortunate events which unfolded in Bombay last week represent yet another example of the monstrous nature of the attackers: Islamic Fundamentalists whose intrinsic intolerance and obvious hatred towards Indians and Westerners automatically classify them as the official Nemesis of the Civilized World.

While I do not oppose “Arabs” in general - as I have no intention to convey any type of “racial” discrimination towards any group - I daresay that I have the proclivity to automatically associate the term “Arab” with “Islamic”; thus making it is nearly unavoidable for the citizens of Western societies to be engage into yet another Crusade against the Arab world, in light of their utter barbarism as well as their implicit intolerance of any other differing viewpoints.

Consequently, taking into account not only the recent assault to Mumbai, but also the unforgivable previous strikes in New York City, London, and Madrid, I have no alternative but to express my deep concern regarding the great danger which Islam represents to the Civilized World (Europe, the Americas, Australia/NZ, India and Japan) and expect serious measures to be adopted! In addition, I would presume Your Lordship is bound to share my frustration with Western Pacifist (political) Liberals who refuse to recognize the extent of damage which the Islamic Nations are likely (and willing) to inflict against all of us…

Balthazar Oesterhoudt said...

Thank you for your comments, Augustus. I am glad you picked up on the themes in my satire. I find satire just as effective in conveying ideas as the most serious-minded essay. There is a time and a place for all media; depending on how the muse moves me on a certain day, I try to use as many as I can.

I think it is safe to say that I am "anti-terrorist." Killing civilians is never a legitimate political purpose. That applies to any armed force; for that reason my criticism applies just as easily to Western powers as it does to "shadowy terrorists." The principle is bad no matter who applies it.

You also correctly picked up that the West adopts a simplistic attitude toward the Middle East that feeds directly into militant Middle Eastern fundamentalism. The contemptuous association between "Arab," "Islamist" and "Terrorist" is unfair and inspires resentment. To that extent, I can understand why there are forces hostile to the West. I do not approve their methods; I simply can rationally understand their motives.

We can expect more tensions between these world-views for a simple reason: In the West, commerce and secularism rule, not religious values. In the Middle East, religion still matters, as it did in the West until the 19th Century. This represents a classic clash of core social values. It is certain to generate more and more violent acrimony as our new century advances.

I congratulate you on your blog, as well! It looks far nicer than mine; but I am a mere wordsmith. I have no technical skill whatsoever. You can be sure I will stay current with your writing.