POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Unimaginative Learners’ Union for More Sports Analogies in Public Discourse

By : Coach Stan F. Buckpits, Offensive & Defensive Party Coordinator

Americans know that the pressure is on. We’ve got two runners in scoring position, it’s the bottom of the 9th and we’re down by two. You might also say that it’s 4th & Goal and we’re down by two field goals. The bottom line is that we need some clutch performances to save this country from ruin. For years, Americans have faced criticism that they are not sufficiently engaged in the political process. We, the Unimaginative Learners’ Union for More Sports Analogies in Public Discourse, believe that this criticism is unfair. Our critics say that Americans are too dumb to understand complicated political, social and economic issues. They say that Americans cannot properly analyze questions and arguments. But our critics are wrong: Americans know how to analyze. They minutely discuss sports events for weeks after the event, presenting cogent arguments concerning the outcome. Americans know how to dissect arguments about their favorite sports teams and Americans know how to speak eloquently about why their sports teams deserve victory. In our view, Americans will become more politically engaged when their political leaders speak their language: Sports. If elected, we promise to compare every single political, economic and social issue to a sports situation. This will not only make Americans understand issues such as health care, social security, income tax and the Bush Doctrine, but it will empower Americans to formulate wise opinions concerning the proper course of action in every case. Americans will care about their government when they begin to understand their government. By drawing parallels between government and sports, they will become active citizens overnight. We will assign new names to every government official and department. We will rename every American State after a professional sports team that plays in that State. For example, the Massachusetts Bureau of Corrections will also be known as “The Patriots’ Tight End Rush Training Camp.” The Arizona Tax Authority will also be known as the “Diamondbacks’ Stat Management Front Office.” The President of the United States will be known as the “NFL Commissioner.” And so forth and so on. Today, we face the worst financial crisis in generations. Let us step up to the plate and dig down, because we can’t afford to go down looking this time. We need to work the count and put the ball in play. We need a full-court press and we have no time to go 40-love. Nothing short of a birdie will save our Nation, and we won’t settle for an extra point; we demand a 2-point conversion. It’s time to bring in the beefy offensive linemen and blitz all the way to national solvency. This year, vote for understanding in political life. Tell your leaders to learn your language. Make them call audibles. Let’s get it together, people. Let’s get in the game and start banging some hoops. Because when Americans know what they’re doing, it ain’t nothing but net—SWISH! BOO-YEAH!