HOW TO GET OFF JURY DUTY

Did you get the dreaded jury summons in the mail? "Oh, God," you're thinking. "I need to waste four whole weeks at $4.00 per day listening to lawyers in bad suits argue whether someone signed something or not.

Not so. If you follow these easy steps, you will never serve on a jury. Here at Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we believe in employment. To that extent, we believe that we have a duty to publish information that will allow employees to honor their private obligations to their employers. When public service interferes with private enterprise, economic prudence demands that private enterprise prevail. After all, without private enterprise, there would be no government. In that spirit, please learn and use these jury avoidance procedures. And make sure you get back to work quickly. Our economy needs more work days, not more jury trials.

We salute Employers Against Worktime Excuses for their generosity in sharing these procedures. Although we believe in the rule of law and fair trials, we must be prepared to sacrifice both when they impact workplace productivity.

JURY AVOIDANCE PROCEDURES - SPONSORED BY EMPLOYERS AGAINST WORKTIME EXCUSES, A FOR-PROFIT ADVOCACY GROUP

Here are some tips on how to be excused if you are not an attorney: (1) If it is a criminal case, say: "I support the police in every single case, no matter the facts. My father was a cop, his father was a cop and my grandfather was a cop back in Ireland. Criminals must be punished and I strongly support the death penalty for every crime, including shoplifting;" and (2) If it is a civil case, say: "I work for an insurance company. I support insurance companies in every case, no matter the facts. I think all private individuals are liars and no one deserves money for an injury. I only trust insurance companies. Other than that, I can be fair and impartial."