By : Mr. Ernest A. Coldwell, President and Chairman of the Board of Directors, E-Z-On-N-Off Bandage Mfg. Co., Inc.
It’s Thanksgiving week again, and we are not happy about it. It happens every year: An entire production week wasted to honor an antiquated 19th Century holiday.
Thanksgiving is stupid and bad for business. In these dark economic times, we need to work more and relax less. Thanksgiving makes it impossible to work for the entire week. Why the hell does it have to fall on a Thursday every year? If you give people a Thursday off, why bother showing up on Friday? So there’s another production day out the window. Worse, if people know they will be off on Thursday, they will leave early on Wednesday, assuming they come in at all. “I need to travel; there will be long lines this year,” they say. Lazy bastards! We have deadlines and profit goals to meet, and you’re bitching about going home to Kansas to see your stupid-ass cousins and in-laws. And because employees know that they will have at least a 4-day weekend beginning on Wednesday night, they are totally distracted during the beginning of the week, further weakening productivity. Put simply, because Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday and people start leaving the helm on Wednesday, the entire week goes down the fucking toilet. Economically, it is the most crippling holiday on the calendar.
E-Z-On-N-Off Bandage Manufacturing Company, Inc. gets nowhere when its employees take off from work. You need to be on the job every day for our company to succeed. Don’t you care about helping your employers meet their profit goals? If you do, you should be ashamed of yourselves for running home to Mom for cranberry sauce, peanuts, pumpkin pie and badly-cooked turkey “home-style” dinners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say it’s an “American tradition.” But traditions don’t pay the rent, pal. Not only that, but this is a really stupid, outdated tradition from the Civil War. Maybe Abe Lincoln had something to be thankful for. But he was not working for E-Z-On-N-Off Bandage Manufacturing Company, Inc. He was not in business, and he was not pissing his pants watching production totals go to hell for an entire week. Do you think we’re in business for the fun of it? Hell no! We’re in it for money, and we don’t make money when your ass is in Wisconsin watching football with your father and uncles. Basically, Thanksgiving might have been a good idea in 1864. But guess what? It’s 2008. It’s a new goddamned century, and we have quarterly production totals to worry about.
You are all a bunch of lazy bastards. Go ahead; enjoy your four or five days off, you selfish jerks. Don’t you care about the company that pays your mortgage? You say you do, but you sure got the hell out of Dodge pretty damn quick for Thanksgiving, didn’t you? You’re going to sit around the house all day for four days, munching snacks and drinking beer. Meanwhile, production levels will fall to zero, and the shareholders will start feeling the pinch. You selfish animals! You enjoy yourselves while the shareholders take a financial hit.
You think I’m being unreasonable, eh? You think I’m acting the Scrooge, eh? You think I’m raining on the all-American Thanksgiving Day parade, don’t you? You say to me: “Thanksgiving is a time for reflecting on what we have, remembering those we’ve lost and giving thanks for our many blessings.” Well, we give you everything you have! Our money gave you your house, your car, your stereo and your stupid plasma-screen TV. We gave you your “blessings.” Yeah, you made your kids on your own time, but if it weren’t for our money, you wouldn’t be able to take care of the little frigging brats, now would you? So frankly just shut the hell up about me being “Scrooge.” I am just being realistic. You should be thankful for one thing: Your job. And you would give thanks a heck of a lot better showing up for work this Thursday rather than scarfing down bread pudding and sweet potatoes with your ugly-ass sister-in-law.
Look, we only give you the day off because we are required by law to give you the day off. Do you really think you would be getting a free PAID day because we care about your family’s Thanksgiving time? Fuck ‘em! All we care about is you working to meet our profit goals. We don’t give two good craps about your wife, your daughter or your mother. This might be your grandmother’s last Thanksgiving because she has cancer? Is that our problem? Remember this: You have a job to do and we pay you for it. Beyond that, we don’t care. But here’s what we do care about: Productivity will be dead for the entire week. There are only 52 weeks in the year, and we can’t afford to fall behind for even one.
Do everyone a favor, you lazy bastards. Eat your fucking turkey fast and get your ass back to work ASAP. If you even think about taking another day off before year’s end, you might as well just quit, because we’ll fire you quicker than you can say: “Mashed potatoes.” Go ahead. Call us cruel. We pay your salary. Deal with it. We own corporations because we know how business works. We act the way we do because we know how to win. We don’t put family before work. If you did the same, maybe you’d be more successful than you are. Think about that while you’re sitting at home with your cousin’s acquaintances eating Ritz crackers.
See you on Monday. And don’t be late.
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