Sunday, November 2, 2008


Intolerable Meddlers United to Get All Up in Your Business

By : Mrs. Kelly J. Kinkaid, High School Diploma Holder and Chairperson of the Suburban Good Neighbors’ League

Do you know what your neighbor does at night? Are you worried that your neighbor might injure your children? You should be, and you have a right to know how your neighbor lives. In this country, we must keep an eye on people. How many child molesters and serial murderers could have been stopped if vigilant neighbors had been allowed to call out a suspicious neighbor before he became a danger to society? It is time to say once and for all that it is all about the children. As a society, we must take a much more active role in investigating strange people. This is the only way we can determine whether someone will pose a danger to our children or to our communities. We need to start asking questions right away about our neighbors’ sexual proclivities, sexual orientation and pornography collections. We need legal authority to find out how sick our neighbors really are. We need to know whether they cheat on their spouses or—if they are single—whether they fornicate, and how often they fornicate. We need to know whether they have large alcohol caches. Morality is everybody’s business. We must know everybody’s sexual business in order to accurately predict whether someone poses a danger to public decency and our children. Homosexuals, for example, are 450 times more likely to abuse children than heterosexuals. Thus, it is essential to know whether your neighbors are homosexual. If you care about your children, you will ask the questions that need to be asked. You will even invest in monitoring technology to watch your neighbor. After all, people are wicked deceivers. When directly asked, they may say they do not fornicate. But if you install hidden cameras near your neighbor’s home, you will prove him a liar. When directly asked, your neighbor may say he is faithful to his wife. But your camera will show him to be an adulterer. We need to know what our neighbors are up to. We need to know if our neighbors smoke marijuana, listen to hip-hop music, snort cocaine, read communist literature or masturbate. Think of the children. Do you want to raise your children next to someone who owns a marijuana pipe or personal lubricants? Of course not—that is why we, the Intolerable Meddlers United to Get All Up in Your Business, are determined to learn everything there is to know about you. It is for our own good. This year, do your part for your community and vote for Intolerable Meddlers.

The Rarely Sober Party

By : Mr. Burton J. Beers, Quality Assurance Advocate and Policy Director

Life is difficult. Every day, we face crushing stress from all sides: Family, health, job, money, children. The list goes on and on. Anxiety dominates our lives. We never know what shock awaits us when we wake up each morning. In a word, it is hard to cope. We know many Americans feel the strain. That is why we turn to alcohol. We, the Rarely Sober Party, solve our problems through near-permanent inebriation. Foreign policy, economic revitalization and financial crises are much more manageable when under the influence of scotch whiskey than when sober. Good government depends upon even-mindedness. Good government depends on rational decisionmaking. It is impossible to be either rational or even-minded when anxious. But alcohol removes anxiety. Thus, alcohol provides the relaxed mentality necessary to conduct good government in America. We know from experience that treasury policy is nerve-wracking. But it is far easier to meet the demands of fiscal administration with a cognac in hand than without one. We know from experience that revising the tax code is mentally demanding. But it is far easier to formulate new tax ideas after a Tom Collins or two. Today, government is on the brink of collapse. Why? Simple: Government officials are under too much stress. This is the price of excessive sobriety. That is why we need less sobriety and more drunkenness in government. When more government officials are drunk, they are less inhibited to work for the public good. They will not be afraid of ratings, polls, or adverse opinions. They will take action intuitively. They will not spend countless hours in committees debating the relative merits of this position or that. They will merely swill down a few malt liquors, put down their fists and say: “Let’s do it now!” True, America has historically shied away from its relationship to alcohol. At one time in our history, we even constitutionally banned alcohol consumption. But we were not being honest with ourselves. Americans love liquor, and we would help ourselves as a Nation if we simply acknowledged that fact. We believe that the path to better government in the United States begins with intoxication. We believe that Americans should be drunk more often than they are sober. This year, lift your mug for the Rarely Sober Party. Make life easier. Beat anxiety. Because when we drink, we get things done--and we feel better, too.

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