Sunday, February 22, 2009


By : Michael A. Schlafmeister, M.S., Chairman and Marketing Director,

At some point during your busy life, I’ll bet you’ve felt disappointed. Maybe you’re pressing 40 and you still have not gotten that big promotion. Maybe your dream girl slipped through your fingers and now you’re stuck in a loveless marriage. Maybe you have chronic kidney disease and you are in constant pain. Or maybe you just missed winning the lottery—for the sixth time. At, we understand that life isn’t fair. We know that joy never seems to materialize. And we know it hurts.

Mom and Dad never told us how tough life would be. When you were a child, I’ll bet you had some really fun times. You probably even thought that life would continue to be fun. After all, kids always want to be like grown-ups because it looks like grown-ups can do all the fun things that kids want to do. But no one told us about creditors, loans, debt, dishonesty, competition, anxiety, depression, humiliation, bum jobs and disenchantment. When we were kids, it was a joy to wake up every morning because there was always something fun to do. No one told us that one day we would dread getting out of bed to face the world. Grown-ups never mentioned these things. We only found out about them once we got older.

At, we stand for people like you. We stand for people who have suffered disappointment in life. When it comes to disappointment, we have a simple motto: “Haven’t we all been there?” We understand that your life is definitely not a box of chocolates, even if you have money. Even rich people get jealous and hate the way their children turned out. Money will not save you from cancer or backstabbing, estranged relatives who eagerly await their inheritance. When it comes to disappointment in life, we are all equal. And we understand your pain.

In our culture, no one tells us that anxiety lurks around every corner. We simply learned to study hard, work hard and do our jobs. We found out later that life is a cruel race in which luck is as important as skill. Only a few win; the rest simply flounder in a losing contest. Throughout our lives, we receive rejection letters from employers and schools. We hear the word “No” far more than “Yes,” and we never truly get what we want. We simply compromise for what we can “realistically” achieve. And even then, we stand at the mercy of our friends, families and acquaintances. They lie to us more often than they tell us the truth; we come to expect more betrayals than loyalty. We manage to find some happiness in relationships with people who do not hurt us, but they are the exceptions. By and large, we expect rejection and disappointment. Meanwhile, we work away at jobs that seem to offer no meaning; but we must work away, because creditors demand money from us at every turn.

It is a cruel, unforgiving race. There is never time to relax. We know it is hard. We are there for you.

At, we offer quick and easy solutions to life’s problems. Our personalized euthanasia services proceed on a simple assumption: That problems only cause stress to the living. By draining life from our bodies, we deny problems the hosts they require to survive. After all, money problems inflict emotional pain because a living person worries that he will not pay a bill. His brain releases chemicals that cause him to feel “bad.” But if this person were dead, his brain would no longer release chemicals at all. No matter how many past due bills this person receives, he will feel nothing, even if he has no money to pay them. In the same way, relationship problems hurt when a living person confronts difficulty with another living person. When his mate acts in an unfavorable way, he suffers emotional turmoil. But death eliminates the brain’s chemical capacity to feel heartbreak; indeed, it eliminates the capacity to feel much anything at all.

Naysayers claim that death is not an effective solution to life’s problems. Rather, they say that it makes no sense to throw the baby out with the bathwater. According to this logic, death may avert physical pain and the stings of disappointment, but it also forecloses good feelings in the future. In other words, “life is worth living” because there is always a potential for good feelings. This argument misses the point. For some people, there is no realistic possibility to ever experience good feelings again. Consider a client who lost all four limbs in an accident, became blind and his wife left him because he could no longer engage in sexual intercourse. This client also lost his job because he could not render effective customer service without vision or limbs. He had no health insurance, and his medical treatment bankrupted him forty times over. For these reasons, this client realistically believed that life held nothing more than pain and disillusionment. If he went on living, he would simply torture his body and mind with endless pain. provided an effective alternative; he decided to get out of the race. We believe he made a rational choice.

We recognize that every person is different. Everyone has different tolerances for disappointment and pain. Yet everyone experiences disappointment and pain. They are unavoidable. We do not question anyone’s claim that life proves too difficult to bear. True, not everyone faces challenges as severe as the blind and limbless client’s, but we all have problems. Our problems dominate our lives like no others. We may recognize that others have more objectively “bad” problems, but that does not make us feel any better about our own. For example, we see that there are homeless people on the street without food, money, shelter or hope for survival. Yet we still feel bad about our low pay, our treacherous boyfriends, our overbearing parents, our arthritis, our health insurance and our debts, even though we have homes and food. The homeless man may face terrible adversity, but so do we—in our own way. Problems are personal. They torture the strong along with the weak. At, we do not judge your problems. We simply recognize that everyone’s problems are unique; and they cause unique stress, no matter how objectively “severe” or “minor” they are.

Have you had enough? Are you tired of getting up in the morning to be scolded by a brutal employer? Are you sick of running behind on your credit card bills and begging banks for loans, only to be rejected? Have you been passed over for a job one too many times? Did the love of your life cheat on you then dump you? Do your own children lie to you and steal from you? Do you spend more time in the hospital than at your home? Does your spouse abuse you? Is your wife having an affair with a tennis player? Do you suffer from debilitating injuries? Are you addicted to medications? Do you cry from morning to night? Did the sheriff just evict you from your house? Never fear. You are not alone. We know that life seems bleak. That is why you should log onto

Talking and therapy can only take you so far. Mental gymnastics can only partially palliate your pain. No matter how many times you sing kumbaya, creditors will still garnish your wages and your girlfriend will still cheat on you. When it appears that only pain and disappointment await you in life, do the reasonable thing. Spite your problems. They are like parasites. They roost in living bodies. Do not give them a body to infect. It is easy, quick and affordable. Can it really be that bad? Think about it. Our euthanasia methods are safe, painless, user-friendly and FDA-approved. We offer payment plans. There is no credit check. No animals were harmed in testing our euthanasia methods, and we use only organic materials. We proudly sponsored the 2008 U.S. Olympic Team. If you can go to sleep, you can use our services. Wouldn’t you rather just go to sleep than face a lifetime of agony, torture, humiliation and rejection? At, you truly can take a vacation: You will never have to return to your vindictive spouse, your moronic boss, your abusive parents or your emasculating, petty job. You will no longer feel pain or worry. You will never need medical treatment again. You will never receive another bill. No one will ever ask you for money again. You will not grow older and you will not face derision, insult or scorn. If you have not already gone gray, you never will.

Isn’t it about time to decide your own destiny? Haven’t you exhausted yourself enough serving others’ whims? Haven’t you expended enough worry and fear attempting to mold yourself to others’ expectations? Aren’t you fed up with pain, rejection, grief and disillusion? Treat yourself for once. Take a break. Check out of town. Start living a little. What do you have to lose? Euthanize yourself today at for just one easy payment of $29.99. Can it really be worse than what you’re going through now? What have you got to lose? Your unhappiness and pain? Try our product. We guarantee you won’t complain if you do. It’s our promise™.

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