SOCIETY OF FINANCIAL WARRIORS WHO WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LOSE MONEY

POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

By : Capt. Harold B. Festhalten, (ret.), Delegate and Winner of the Warriors’ Cross for Maximal Savings in 2006; Party Spokesman and Financial Advisor

Do you defend your money with heart and soul? Do you say: “Not a step back” when greedy government tax collectors and scurvy salesmen violate your finances? Do you hold the line against fees, costs, levies and extra charges? Do you carefully designate every penny you spend for profitable effect? Do you detest waste, frivolity and charity drives? Are you a financial warrior? If you are not, you should be. Because in this country, money is everything: Only a fool would not die to protect it.

We, the Society of Financial Warriors Who Would Rather Die Than Lose Money, believe in a simple credo: Work, Earn, Save, Defend…Or Die Trying. In America, we live to work, and we work to earn. With money, we can buy homes, amass fortunes and even finance political careers. With money, even the lowest-born immigrant can skyrocket to national prominence. Yet not everyone with money succeeds. In fact, most people who stumble into money squander it within a few short years. As financial warriors, we seize our rightful rewards and ruggedly defend them against all incursions, foreign or domestic, public or private. We do not fritter away our wages or sprinkle them on needless home improvement projects. No, we hoard our money in impregnable savings accounts and low-risk market funds; then we set up defensive lines to halt any effort to pillage our keep. In essence, we watch our money like hawks. And we swoop down to kill any scavenger who dares nibble from our roost.

In today’s grim economy, people are losing everything because they did not ruggedly defend their money. They never even had money in the first place. Rather than fight and win their money, they got easy cash from moribund lending houses. Rather than confront the market, these lily-livered shortcutters tried to borrow the American dream. Once the ceiling caved in on the stock market, these weaklings found themselves buried in a financial tomb. Now they are crying for rescue. They elected a spendthrift President, and now he promises to “bail everyone out” with free money.

This is outrageous. Money is never free. You need to fight for it. Financial warriors do not take handouts; we march boldly into the market to earn our keep, whether or not times are “tough.” We are tougher than the times. We do not muck about and whine like soft-bellied immigrants. We go out, grit our teeth and work seven jobs for bum pay. We sacrifice everything for honest cash; and we are ready to die for our money. If Obama wants to tax financial warriors in order to save weaklings, he has another thing coming. We would rather fall on kitchen knives than yield a nickel from our money market accounts. We would rather wage a suicidal gun battle against IRS collectors than part with our savings bonds. No one takes a financial warrior’s money and gets away with it. You can have my money, all right—but you’ll have to kill me first. That’s the warrior’s way. We do not give up. Ever. If we run out of ammo, we fight with knives, clubs, furniture, rocks, fingernails and teeth. If you cut off our arm, we will pick it up and attack you with it. You won’t take our money until we are all dead on the floor—with a couple of you with us.

We believe that America has lost its work ethic. Today, teenagers think they are “too smart” to get low-paying jobs. Even college graduates mope around and complain that they “can’t work” unskilled positions because they “know too much.” Whence this financial cowardice? Are we a Nation of proud, wage-earning warriors, or a collection of pansy layabouts with no will to earn? I have a message for all these lazy defeatists: “On your feet! Aten-hut! I don’t care how bad the economy is: You get up and get a goddamned job, even if you have to scrape crusty shit off the nastiest toilet in Texas. Move out!”

There is value in work. There is value in employment. Financial warriors understand value, and they understand that life is not easy. Financial warriors focus their efforts on money and they work their whole lives to amass it. They do not go out and pay $12.50 to see a movie; they buy canned beans, eat at home and watch basic cable. They do not enjoy life now; they save money so they can enjoy life once the battle is over. When money is on the line, it’s war. In war, you can’t spend money needlessly. You need to preserve your resources to fend off endless financial attacks from creditors, landlords, tax withholders, grocery stores and retail establishments. No commander goes into combat with limited ammunition; he only fights when he knows he has a good chance to win. In this country, that means never spending a dime unless you absolutely must. There is always another financial skirmish around the corner, and that means you should never waste ammunition in a fight you can avoid. Financial warriors tactically move in, take their positions and fortify. They only raise their heads above the trenchline long enough to take a shot at some forager looking to plunder their hard-won gains.

Financial warriors made this Nation. We are the sallow-looking guys with long faces and furrowed brows. We are the guys with the white hair and ulcers. We are the guys who leave money to their kids. We are the guys who work holidays and come home late. We are the guys who don’t smile. We are the guys with gastrointestinal problems. We are the fortune-builders. We may not have joy in our lives, but we sure know how to hold on to our money. We believe that we are a dying breed, but we believe that young people will flock to our cause when they see that we stand for noble ideals. We stand for hard work, profit and frugality. We stand for thrift and wealth. We stand for capital and investment. These are the bedrocks of American life. We intend to make war not only on those who attempt to seize our money, but also on an effete culture that promises quick wins. We intend to convince Americans that life is not a cakewalk. Rather, we intend to convince Americans that life is a life-or-death struggle to maintain a favorable bank balance and to amass maximal net worth before death. Life is not about happiness; life is about defending your money. It is not pleasant. It is bitter. It is violent. No one wants to hire you or pay you, so you have to fight for every dollar you make. Yet a financial warrior knows how to cope. He fights twice as hard when the chips are down, and he defeats anyone who dares to take his money.

In the Marine Corps, soldiers say: “Death before dishonor.” We echo that sentiment when we say: “Death before financial loss.” Like the Marines, financial warriors adhere to a higher standard. And like the Marines, we are do not allow ourselves to fall below that standard. For the Marines, dishonorable conduct is worse than death. For financial warriors, financial loss is worse than death. We fight for financial gain at all costs. We do not tolerate losses. If it appears that we will lose money, we do the honorable thing: We clutch live grenades and mutter through our bloody lips: “Enjoy it, you bastards.” But we promise, like the Marines, to fight to the end. In most cases, we will prevail. Yet we are unafraid to die if we do not.

Support a party that cares about money as much as you do. Do you worry about bills and costs? You are not alone. Does it bother you that weaklings get free financial help while you toil away at a lime factory for bad pay? You are not alone. Do you believe that amassing money is the purpose of life? You are not alone. Take a stand for your beliefs. Stop mincing about your beliefs and start defending them. It’s your money. It’s what you’re here for. Start acting like it. Polish those boots. Clean out that rifle. Barricade those windows and arm those claymores. Everyone is out to get your money. But you are a financial warrior. Tell them once and for all: “Yeah, you can have my money—but you’ll have to kill me first.”

Lock and load, troopers. They’re after your hard-earned money. Here they come!