Monday, November 9, 2009




By : Mr. Herbert G. Scheuche, Bureau Commissioner and Press Secretary

We regret to inform the American public that the situation is critical. Based upon credible reports, it appears that our Nation has never faced as grave a crisis as the one it faces today. Although national security protocols prevent us from disclosing precisely how this crisis is developing, we can tell you that it is very serious. We urge you to stay alert as you go about your daily routine. Nonetheless, we admonish everyone to remain afraid, because this is no hoax. We are in the crosshairs. Our society teeters on the brink of ruin. We simply cannot describe how.

Our children are in mortal danger. At any moment, a terrible health threat could cause untold carnage among young people between 4 and 24. We are informed that a lethal virus exists. We are also informed that it can cause death. For these reasons, we urge all parents to keep their doors locked. Wear face masks. Do not take chances; this is a life-threatening situation. We will do our best to tell you more details. But for the moment, we ask that you merely remember that this is a crisis and you must be afraid. Only constant fear and terror will save you and your children from imminent death.

America faces numerous crises. They are all critical. Last week, Halloween candy sales proved that there is a very real threat to pediatric dental health nationwide. Americans bought more than 500,000 tons of candy last week, more than they have ever bought in a single week since our Founding. That unleashed a devastating amount of sugar into American diets. In a Nation already hobbled by diabetes, the sugar menace presents a genuine danger. Not only will children require increased dental care, but elderly Americans now face perhaps the most critical health crisis since the Spanish Influenza of 1918. Sugar kills. And it is everywhere.

President Barack Obama has also led this country into crisis. Yesterday, the United States House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill that threatens to change health care as we know it. This is a mortal danger. We warn all Americans to expect the worst. By reforming health care, President Obama has created both an economic and medical emergency. The bill will drive billions of Americans into bankruptcy. It will cause employers to cut jobs. Worse, it will cause health insurance companies to lose quarterly profits. These are unprecedented dangers. We must be afraid.

We must remain afraid no matter what anyone says. Our Nation gets nowhere when it denies dangers. Danger is everywhere. President Obama tells us that we must "keep hope alive" and "live positively." But this is a recipe for disaster. Fear and suspicion are the only things that will keep us safe, not health care reform or hopeful rhetoric about "change." No matter what Obama says, we have a duty to tremble in terror every day. We betray our obligations when we suddenly feel good about the future.

We urge Americans not to be fooled. We must remember that we face unspeakable calamities from every corner. In times of crisis, we cannot afford to feel good about the future. Rather, we must shrink down and wait for official word about what to do. Here at the Office of Overstatement, Alarmism and Baseless Fear-Mongering, we are committed to providing vague, official statements to guide Americans through their daily terror. Occasionally we have good news. But even good news carries with it new admonishments and qualifications. For example, if we report that we captured a dangerous terrorist, we will always mention that his accomplice is still at large. Or if an earthquake does not destroy a city, we mention that it is still on a fault line. Put simply, we will always remind you that we are still in a crisis.

We can achieve great things when we are afraid. When we are afraid, our adrenaline flows. And when our adrenaline flows, we can accomplish things we never thought we had the strength to accomplish. Our Nation benefits from fear and exaggeration. It also benefits from confusion, misinformation, mutual distrust and malice. That is why we are committed to disseminating the most terrifying yet vague reports we can possibly broadcast. Just when it looks like we might get out of the woods on one crisis, we always mention another one to keep you guessing.

We are in trouble. Osama bin Laden is still alive. True, we have killed many al-Qaeda operatives over the years. But terrorists still lurk among us. Worse, our educational system is in shambles. And we have received disturbing information from scientists that the swine flu is mutating into a deadly airborne plague. If we do not all retreat into our homes now, we could face the most critical crisis America has ever encountered. We would like to tell you more, but our commitment to inspecific vagueness prevents us from fully dispelling your fears. Suffice it to say, the danger is very real and you should be afraid. Because when you are scared, you can do anything.

Rest assured that we here at the Office for Overstatement, Alarmism and Baseless Fear-Mongering will do everything in our power to keep you just informed enough to be terrified, suspicious and agitated. Yes, we face untold crisis and danger on a colossal scale. But as long as we have just enough information to react irrationally, we can prevail.

Beware. America has never faced more violent crime than it does today. Prisoners are escaping from prison in huge numbers, although we cannot say where. Additionally, we have just received word that the U.S. Customs Service failed to prevent a highly toxic Chinese tree from entering an undisclosed American port. According to Bureau doctors, this tree has already released deadly spores that could have already infected several thousand Americans somewhere. Put simply, we face botanical crisis on an unimaginable scale.

Until further notice, we urge you to lock your doors, buy a gas mask, don't answer the phone and stay tuned for further bulletins. Don't trust anyone, including your relatives and spouse. Avoid contact with plants and trees. We will provide more information as we receive it. Until that time, make sure your heart rate stays elevated and maintain a suitably high anxiety level. That is the only way to deal with crisis. And when we deal with crisis, we show our strength.

Don't be a hero. Cower and wait for instructions.

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