Monday, August 3, 2009


By : Franklin B. “Frankie Pepsi Cola” Carboni, Senior Parking Attendant, Frankie’s Hot Used Car Lot, Newark, N.J.; High School Graduate, Fresh Kills Academy; Special Certificate, Joy-Z Parking Systems 12-Hour Parking Technology Program, Paramus, N.J.; Democrat.

Like most Americans last year, I voted for Barack Obama. I wanted change. I wanted to make more money for my wife and two kids. I wanted affordable health insurance and lower taxes. I wanted smarter foreign policy. I wanted to see our boys home from Iraq. Basically, our country was in a tough spot in 2008. I voted for Obama because I trusted him to fix the economy and make America strong again. During his first days in office, I was among the millions who gave Obama strong approval ratings. After all, it looked like he could really get the job done.

But it’s been seven months now and the economy is still awful. Unemployment has never been higher. Obama has had plenty of time to overhaul health care, withdraw our troops from Iraq and save the economy. He hasn’t gotten anything done. No, he just barnstorms around the country mouthing slogans and asking for more time. Well guess what? This is America, buddy. You’ve got to put up results fast or shut up. We voted for you because we wanted results fast. You haven’t delivered. That’s why I join the millions of disappointed voters who now disapprove of Barack Obama. In my business, I park cars fast. Obama should be just as fast in his business.

I disapprove of Obama for a simple reason: He hasn’t made me a millionaire yet. He promised to restore strength to the economy. He promised that we would all be rich and prosperous if we voted for him. Last November, I happily went to the polls because I thought Obama would make my life better. Back then, I was making $26,000 a year as a Senior Parker at Tommy “Tommy Corned Beef” Fagiole’s Hot Used Car Lot in Newark. I lost that job in February because no one needed their car parked in this economy. Today, I am making only $24,000 at Frankie’s Hot Used Car Lot. I’m lucky to have a car parking job at all. My question to Obama is this: “Where’s my fuckin’ money?

I expected Obama to make me a millionaire within six weeks. Every American expected the same thing. I wanted to go from parking Bentleys to owning them. I wanted to go from renting a smelly flat in Paramus to owning three condos in Short Hills. I wanted to buy my wife a Cartier and send my kids to that really nice private school in West New York. But it hasn’t happened. I’m still making a lousy $24,000 and my wife still serves coffee at a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop out in Elizabeth. Obama has had seven months to make me a millionaire. Yet here I am parallel parking 1996 Chevies for bum tips in Newark. I disapprove. Obama lied. He’s just another Washington politician who wrote a check he couldn’t cash.

Obama promised to fix health care, too. He hasn’t. Seven months into his term, I pay more for health insurance than I did under Bush. Seven months after promising “change we can believe in,” he can’t even push healthcare reform through a Democratic Congress. So I’m still paying 25% of my income to an insurance company that doesn’t cover cancer treatment, heart ailments, health problems involving the human body or medications beginning with a vowel.

This is bullshit. Obama promised results. He hasn’t delivered on health care. He told us he would change everything. But from my stoop, it all looks the same, if not worse. Last I checked, I still can’t get free health care in this country. What is the freakin’ holdup? Maybe Obama should spend some more time on health care rather than flying off to Egypt to apologize for stuff he never did. We want results, not talk. Hey, I’m just being fair. At my job, if I didn’t park a sedan that rolled into the car lot in January until August, I would have been fired a long time ago. Well Obama hasn’t parked the sedan yet. He hasn’t even shown up for work. And I’m still not a millionaire.

I’m not going to say Obama is doing a good job until my annual income surpasses $1,000,000. I don’t want excuses. I don’t want one of these Harvard stooges getting on TV telling me “I need to be patient” because this is the “worst economic downturn since 1930.” What do I care? I voted for Obama because he promised quick results. From where I’m standing, things have actually gotten worse. He has had more than enough time to give me a job that pays over a million a year. I should have been buying my wife diamonds by now. Instead, I take shit from my boss at Frankie’s Hot Car Lot for a lousy $400 a week. This ain’t change I can believe in. Where’s the GDP growth? Where’s the stock market money? Where’s the bailout cash? How come I don’t have $1,000,000 yet? Come on, I don’t have all day. I need to feed my kids, buy a new house and buy gas.

What about the boys in Iraq? Obama promised to end our involvement over there immediately. But we’re still there. It’s been seven months. It looks like Obama bullshitted me on that one, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he puts up some State Department clod to explain that “reducing military operations in foreign countries takes time” and that I can’t “expect results overnight.” Fuck that; yes I can. You told us: “Yes we can” when you said we could get our troops out of there. Well, where are they? When you say you’re going to end a war, get it done. Shit, when I say I can park a car in five minutes, it’s done in three. You said you could end a war in January. It’s August now and you still haven’t done it. I don’t buy excuses because excuses don’t fly in the parking business. And they shouldn’t fly for Presidents, either.

President Obama needs to work harder if he wants to get his approval back from me. I am not the only American who has lost confidence in his ability. We all thought we’d be rich by now, but lo and behold, we’re all still making shitty wages. Many Americans have even lost their jobs since he took office. We wouldn’t have voted for Obama if we didn’t think we’d get something from the deal. We wanted to get rich quick. Obama promised he would bring prosperity to America. He promised that we’d all have high-paying jobs. He told us that America would be a better place once he took office. But it’s all the same so far. In fact, the economy is way worse than it was on January 20. I don’t give my approval to Presidents who don’t make me rich.

This is about accountability. This is about trust. This is about promises. This is about results we can believe in. Obama has done nothing he promised. That makes him dishonest. Not only has he not made me a millionaire yet; he lied to me, too. I mean, where are the goddamned electric cars? Obama promised that he would replace gas-powered cars with “green” cars to reduce reliance on foreign oil. Last time I looked out my window, though, everyone is still driving 5-mile-per-gallon Excursions and Expeditions. Electric cars, my ass. Obama said he would completely reconfigure the auto industry for electric cars. Well, it’s been seven months and no change. We still rely on foreign oil. Just another promise Obama hasn’t kept.

Obama promised that we would have a moon colony, too. Guess what? It’s been seven months and no moon colony. How can I trust a guy who promises to make me a millionaire and found a moon colony, yet can’t get either one done in seven whole months? Do you know how many cars I can park in seven months? Obama is just flat-out lazy. It doesn’t take seven months to set up a moon colony. I should be kicking back gravity-free with a lunar margarita by now, for Christ’s sakes.

I had simple expectations when I voted for President Obama. I expected him to make me and my children millionaires by February 1, 2009, I expected him to have top-quality universal health care in place by March 1, 2009, I expected him to withdraw all American troops from Iraq by January 21, 2009, I expected him to eliminate racism by February 2, 2009, I expected him to establish a moon colony by March 15, 2009 and I expected him to cure cancer and AIDS by April 1, 2009. It is now August 3, 2009. He has accomplished none of these things. If he were in the private sector, he would have lost his job months ago. I mean, how difficult is it to cure AIDS? He said “Yes we can.” Well, I guess he can’t. If I were evaluating President Obama’s job performance today, I would say: “Piss poor.” With results like these, I wouldn’t even hire him as a Junior Parking Attendant at Frankie’s.

I will continue to disapprove President Obama’s job performance until he starts delivering results. And I will never approve his job performance until I have $1,000,000 in my bank account. Mr. President, you promised me a better economy and a better future. Well, it’s been seven months, and my future looks pretty grim. I speak for the millions of Americans to whom you promised a better life. We want to be millionaires. Make us millionaires. Otherwise, you can forget about being re-elected in 2012. Look, we’re not saying you’re a bad guy. You’re just not getting the job done. We have simple expectations. We just want to be millionaires. We have a right to expect quick results, just as our bosses do at our jobs.

We are the American people. We put you in the White House. We are your employers. You haven’t delivered. You had better put up fast or we will send you packing. We want million-dollar salaries, not excuses. Quite frankly, it is shocking that you haven’t saved the economy, rescued health care, eliminated racism, established a moon colony, reconfigured the auto industry, brought peace to the Middle East, cured Parkinson’s Disease or made me a millionaire after seven whole months. You are just incompetent, plain and simple.

You are not doing a good job. You get a solid F from me.

Until I’m a millionaire, I have only one thing to say: I disapprove.

1 comment:

SteveW said...

Is it fair to point out where he falls short of his own expectations (witness the famous unemployment graph with and without the stimulus package)?