Wednesday, September 16, 2009



By : United States Special Master Douglas G. Bates, Esq. (Special Factfinder in Corporate Fraud Cases, United States District Court for the Southern District of Illinois) (2002-present); Lead Auditor & Senior Partner, Headmaster, Bates & Bobbitt LLP (1979-2002); University of Chicago Business School (M.B.A. 1979); University of Chicago School of Law (J.D. 1976); Certified Public Accountant; Women's Undergarment Enthusiast (since puberty).

Today, America faces a major policy crisis involving health care. Democrats want to comprehensively reform the system. They want to deliver European-style "universal coverage" to everyone living in the United States, even criminals and Mexicans. This is a fiscally irresponsible position. Thankfully, Republican opposition stands united against such wasteful policy. In contrast to the Democrats, Republicans aim to keep health coverage private, encourage private enterprise and keep taxes low. For Republicans, health coverage is important, but it remains everyone's individual financial responsibility to obtain it.

As Special Master for the United States District Court for the Southern District of Illinois, I support the Republican position on health care. I believe that universal health coverage would gravely undermine this country's respect for free enterprise and individual responsibility. Put simply, if the Federal government provides care to people too irresponsible to manage their own financial health, what message does that send about responsibility? Responsibility is essential to America. We cannot survive without it. Saving people from their own irresponsibility is not an option. That is why I oppose the Democrats on this issue. I believe in responsibility, not waste.

Nonetheless, I believe that the Federal government should provide other things to the American people. As a taxpayer and a gentleman, I believe that the Federal government should give me genuine stimulus once in a while. Health coverage is all well and good, but I for one would much rather be covered in other things. I speak for gentlemen all across the country when I say to the Federal government: "Forget free health coverage. Cover us with the breasts of Victoria's Secret models--female ones." I am not the only gentleman in this great country who can verifiably say that free breasts on my face would stimulate me far more than any $456 "stimulus package."

I believe that government should give back once in a while. More specifically, I believe that government should give fun things back once in a while. Who cares about boring stuff like health coverage? If the government wants to give away free coverage, let that coverage be exciting coverage. Being covered against illness and cancer is not exciting. By contrast, being covered by the feet, breasts, hands and long hair of beautiful Victoria's Secret Models (females only) is extremely exciting. If the government wants to give away free coverage, give us coverage we can believe in. As gentlemen, we can believe in free model breast coverage, not free health coverage.

We are American gentlemen and taxpayers. We made this country. Without us, the highways would fall apart and the military would run out of gas. I am not the only one who believes that American gentlemen deserve a reward for making this country as great as it is. True, we are gentlemen because we are decent people. Yet doesn't it make sense to reward people for doing a good job once in a while? We already have health coverage. For that reason, if the government gave us free health coverage, it wouldn't really be a reward. You do not reward a child by giving him a toy he already has. Rather, you reward a child by giving him a toy he doesn't have yet. The same principle applies to American taxpayer-gentlemen: We don't want universal health coverage. We want universal breast coverage.

Gentlemen are honest about their needs and obligations. Speaking honestly, I can say that I would very much rather have a Victoria's Secret Model's breast or toes in my face at government expense than an MRI at government expense. I can get an MRI simply by flashing my employer's health plan card at any reputable health care facility. Yet I cannot get a Victoria's Secret Model to sit on my face by flashing the same card at her. In fact, despite my relatively large income, investment portfolio and private health coverage, there is nothing that would induce a Victoria's Secret Model to sit on my face. After all, I am moderately obese, I have bad breath and a particularly odd-looking nose. Without government assistance, I would never be able to obtain Victoria's Secret Model breast coverage. But as a taxpayer and a gentleman, I deserve it. Why should only young, athletic, good-looking men obtain Victoria's Secret Model breast coverage? Why should I be punished for my pre-existing aesthetic conditions? This is inequality. And inequality is un-American.

In 21st Century America, we can do better. It is time to rethink what it means to live in a Federal Republic committed to its citizens. This does not mean that we should throw personal responsibility to the wind and pay for universal health coverage. Rather, it means that we should start rewarding responsible gentlemen for their contributions to American life. In my view, it more advisable to cover gentlemen's faces with Victoria's Secret Models' breasts than it is to cover every American against illness. Additionally, providing Universal Gentlemen's Breast Coverage would yield real returns for the American people. A gentleman with a model's breasts or buttocks covering his face is a more satisfied gentleman than a gentleman without comparable coverage. Satisfied gentlemen put a spring in their step and work harder. Motivated gentleman are more productive. More motivation means more productivity. And more productivity means more taxes and more wealth for America.

We can do all this for a relatively small price. As an auditor, accountant and settlement analyst for the Federal Courts, I can say with assurance that universal health coverage would break the Treasury. Furthermore, even if the government invests in universal health coverage, it would not necessarily yield tangible results. By contrast, Universal Gentlemen's Breast Coverage would cost far less than universal health coverage and yield instantaneous economic benefits. In my view, it is a no-brainer: Universal health coverage costs a lot and wins nothing; Universal Gentlemen's Breast Coverage costs little and wins a lot. When government spends money on coverage of any kind, I believe it should spend profitably, not wastefully. Universal Gentlemen's Breast Coverage will fulfill that mandate. By covering every gentleman-taxpayer's face with a Victoria's Secret breast or buttock, then, we not only spend government money in a prudent manner; we also provide genuine stimulus where it matters most.

Isn't it time that gentlemen get coverage they can believe in? Let us bring the health care debate into focus. As gentlemen with private health coverage, we don't care about wasteful, expensive reforms that will cost a fortune and return nothing for the investment. When it comes to health coverage, we just don't care. We take care of ourselves, as all responsible gentlemen should. But we still believe that government can spend money on coverage that matters, namely: Victoria's Secret Model Breast Coverage for responsible gentlemen nationwide. By providing breast coverage for hardworking gentlemen-taxpayers everywhere, we will make gentlemen happy. This is a prudent investment. After all, when gentlemen are happy--and fully covered in models' breasts from head to toe--there is nothing they can't do for this country.

This is about coverage. If we must spend money on coverage, let us do so in a way that rewards gentlemen for everything they have done for this great land. We must not fritter away our national treasure on expensive coverage that yields no profits. As a lifelong undergarment enthusiast, gentleman and Federal Special Master currently resident and domiciled in the Southern District of Illinois, I can say without hesitation that covering my face with Victoria's Secret Models' breasts at Federal expense will admirably advance this Nation's journey toward justice and prosperity for all. Because when gentlemen are covered in the breasts they want, they can do anything.

We stand at a critical junction in our Nation's history. The question is coverage. Let us choose the right coverage: Universal Gentlemen's Breast Coverage. This is our chance as a Nation to make the right decision.

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