ARE YOU INJURED? TOO BAD -- WE AIN'T PAYING

CONSIDERED OPINION

By : Mr. Stanforth E. Little, Esq., Order of the Coif; Fellow, American Commercial Defense Bar; Chief Counsel and Lead Legal Defense Coordinator, Roll-Em Wheel Manufacturing Co., Inc.

In 2009, Roll-Em Wheel Manufacturing Co., Inc. looks forward to a prosperous and profitable New Year. In 2008, we celebrated record sales despite a weak economy. The financial crisis may have burned bankers and investors, but we sold more wheels in 2008 than ever before. We hired more employees than any other company in the competitive wheel manufacturing business. We are proud to employ workers, no matter their skill level or educational background. There is a place for everyone at Roll-Em, from the lowly spoke-fitter to the esteemed senior financial manager. We are proud to provide wages to thousands. We put food on the table. And we make great wheels—all at low prices.

In a business like ours, costs are a constant problem. When costs exceed profits, managers sweat. When costs exceed profits, we start laying people off. But at Roll-Em, we take an active role against rising costs before they rise. To do this, we look at the worst potential costs. What is the worst potential cost? You guessed it—lawsuits. Since 2007, Roll-Em has instituted a no-nonsense approach to containing legal costs. And it has worked wonders. What is our strategy? Simple: We say to all you injured assholes: WE AIN’T PAYING YOU SHIT.

Roll-Em does business on a massive scale. Massive business, of course, unavoidably creates some physical risk. We operate ten manufacturing facilities nationwide. We employ thousands. We sell goods to millions of distributors and retailers. We own properties where people slip, fall, cut themselves, get run over by trains, blow themselves up, amputate legs, poison themselves, sprain their ankles, break their elbows and fall ill with diseases. We sell products that occasionally fail, killing and maiming people in the process. But it is never our fault. Here at Roll-Em Legal, we fight to protect the company’s interests. Our company does no wrong. Our philosophy about injuries is simple: You should have looked where you were going and/or read the instructions. That philosophy guides our legal defense in any case. And with unlimited resources, we rarely lose.

In our litigious society, money-grubbing layabouts constantly scour the horizon for “cases.” Any time some idiot trips over a sidewalk on Roll-Em property, he starts thinking: “I smell money.” Weaker companies give in to these money buzzards. They actually make damning admissions, giving injured people an edge on business. They hand over documents under so-called “discovery rules” that give lazy amputees a legal right to collect money. Companies pay billions to injured people every year, inflating insurance costs, driving away investors and thrusting once-profitable businesses into bankruptcy. This is bad for everyone in society. It is communist wealth redistribution, nothing more. And last I checked, I lived in the United States—the only red on our flag is in the stripes.

But here at Roll-Em legal, we sneer at ostensibly “injured” people. We don’t believe a word these gold-digging liars say. If some employee cuts off his thumb working at a lathe, we say: “But you didn’t have a thumb before you started working here, did you?” If some secretary claims she got carpal tunnel from typing too much, we say: “But you knew you had bad wrists before you started working here, didn’t you?” And if a barrel of boiling oil falls on an employee, scalding his face beyond recognition, we say: “Your face was pretty hideous-looking before the accident, wasn’t it?” After all, in the law, you can’t recover for an injury if you were injured to begin with. Duh—you were already damaged, partner. No sense trying to get us to pay for something you already had. That would not be fair to the company. And the company has much more important things to pay for than your medical bills.

Roll-Em legal vigorously uses legal process to protect the company’s interests. Litigation is a game, and we win because we play hard. In complex cases, we do not just hand over important information to the other side. If we did that, we would stand to lose some major money. In a poker game, would you show everyone at the table your hand? Hell no.

Here’s an example to illustrate: Let’s say some lazy cash hound claims a wheel we built in 1997 was defective. He has the burden to prove his case. To do that, he needs information in our files. He sends us a “request for production,” asking us to hand over all “relevant information” pertaining to the 1997 wheel. What do we do? We simply say: “We have no such information in our files.” True, we say this “under oath,” but so what? How will he ever find information that only we have? If a court orders an inspection, we will simply move or destroy the papers. Easy case. No one will ever know the difference. Without the papers, the lazy injured money-grubber loses the case. Another win for Roll-Em.

Injured people represent a profound menace to American business. Roll-Em Legal recognizes the threat. We aggressively take a stand against all malingering charlatans who think they can blackmail respectable employers for a quick buck. We know what they are out to do: To shake us down for money. But do they realize how many people they hurt when they do this? After all, when businesses pay money to “injured individuals,” they can’t use that money to pay hard-working employees. They can’t spend that money on research, harming the consumer. When employees and consumers do not get what they need, the entire economy suffers. Thus, “injured people” should see that they are hurting everyone else on their quest for instant millions. Here at Roll-Em Legal, we distribute pamphlets to our employees that tell the truth about “injured people.” We tell all employees that they should refrain from lawsuits against the company if they care about their coworkers’ families. We tell them that lawsuits cause their coworkers’ children to go hungry. This is an effective tactic. Since launching our “educational mission” for employees, lawsuits have declined by almost 75%. Our employees are good people. They would rather live without legs—uncompensated—than cause their coworkers to lose their wages.

“Injured people” stop at nothing. They are relentless moneygrubbers. They resort to any underhanded trick necessary to throttle companies for lump sums. When dealing with such shameless brigands, politeness is not an option. Yet “injured people” use their “injuries” as a ploy to generate undeserved sympathy. Here at Roll-Em Legal, we do not fall for this song-and-dance. We are not afraid to rigorously question “injured people” about their injuries. We are not impressed by their leglessness, armlessness, fingerlessness, eyelessness, headlessness, facelessness or tumors. Showing up in a wheelchair or on crutches will not defuse our critical edge. If a Roll-Em tractor crushes a man’s foot, we do not say: “We are so sorry about your foot; you must be going through a very difficult time in your life right now.” We say: “You told us before that you were looking directly at the tractor before it crushed your foot, right? But now you’re telling us you were looking off to the right before it crushed your foot.” Or: “You told us before that you heard the tractor’s reverse beeper going off before you felt pain in your foot. But now you’re telling us that you don’t remember whether you heard a reverse beeper.” Or: “You said you didn’t take any prescription medications before the accident. But according to this toxicology report, it says you ingested sleeping pills two nights before the accident.” Our questions leave “injured people” tongue-tied. And this is the just result, because they are all a bunch of no-good, lying, stinking, backstabbing blackmailers. We get to the truth, no matter how “sympathetic” the “injured person” may be.

Roll-Em Legal runs a successful defense program. Our competitors in sister industries want to know how we do it. We make no secret about it: We believe in responsibility. In almost every case, the “injured person” is irresponsible. Even if Roll-Em’s business puts an “injured person” at risk, the “injured person” always could have avoided injury with just a little responsibility. If an assembly line worker loses his hand in a conveyor belt, he should have been responsible by not talking to his neighbor. If a Roll-Em truck driver goes off an embankment after too many hours on the road, he should have been responsible and taken a break. If Roll-Em buyers fall ill because we included a cancer-inducing agent in our tires, they should have been responsible by getting regular cancer screenings or reading our instruction manuals about proper tire uses. In a word, Roll-Em is never to blame. It is always the injured person’s responsibility to be responsible. And that means buying your own accident insurance, too. If “injured people” cannot be responsible, then they should protect themselves against that risk by insuring against it. It is not Roll-Em’s duty to insure everyone who works on its property or buys its products. This is America; everyone pays their own way. No one gets away free.

In sum, Roll-Em Legal is proud to play a leading role in the war against rising costs. Our shareholders are happy and the company stock price has never been higher. We set record sales last year and we look forward to even more this year. Lawsuits damage the economy because they damage margins. Here at Roll-Em Legal, we see the danger and eliminate it. By refusing to pay a nickel to fraudulent amputees and lollygaggers, we save company margins from ruin. And that keeps people employed. In 2009, our Nation needs more jobs, not less. Fewer lawsuits mean more jobs. By squashing lawsuits, Roll-Em Legal is doing its part for the Nation. And there is an icing on the cake: We are serving justice at the same time.