Sunday, January 18, 2009


Dear Lawrence,

I received your letter dated December 29, 2008. I am sorry to hear that you miss me. I know you have been feeling down lately, my darling. You have been in London now for over three months. Keep your head high! You know that you will secure the merger. After all, it’s you! You know how to do financial deals better than anyone. You would not be my husband if you didn’t.

There are times in marriage when a wife must reassure her husband that he is a worthy person living a good life. You wrote that you feel “like you are not living anymore,” and that “all you do is work.” You said also that you feel that “no one cares about me for who I am.” As your spouse, let me tell you truly—and with endless love—that: “Your money is beautiful.”

No one has accounts as beautiful as you, Lawrence. I have never met anyone in my entire life with such attractive high-yield money market funds or diversified securities. Your foreign cash investments make my heart twitter. Since the day we met, I have loved your portfolio. I mean it! You may say that no one cares about you, but I care about your money very much. If it were not for your beautiful money, I would not be sitting in our beautiful home right now. You are worth something in life, my darling. In fact, you are worth almost $34 million. That is a lot more than “something;” that is a lot. And I love you for it.

It is normal for you to have doubts about life. You are 55 years old. At this stage in your life, you look back and wonder how things might have been different if you made different choices. But I say: “No regrets.” You made wonderful choices in life. You became a banker. You worked. You got promoted. You made money. Now you own the bank and you are securing a merger deal with an English partner. What else is there in life? Do not despair, Lawrence. Your tax deferred government debentures bring a smile to my face, no matter how long you stay away from home. When I look at your bank statements, I feel warm inside, even if you are not here. You made a difference in life, Lawrence. You really did. And do not forget how beautiful it is that you own a summer home.

Think about how happy I’ll be once you come home. After signing the merger contracts, you will receive an immediate wire transfer for £5,000,000 sterling. That is over $10,000,000. How could I not love you for that? How can you say that your life has no meaning when you have so much beautiful money? I understand that you are lonely, but take strength in this: Your subordinated income-bearing trust makes me feel like a real woman. That is passion. I hope this makes you smile, because my monthly trust income payments make me smile. Your trust inspires my trust—and my love.

I will say it again because I think you need to hear it: “Your money is beautiful.” No matter what anyone says, you are worth $34 million. It does not matter whether you feel emotionally empty, sad, downcast or adrift. You are not adrift. You are full of financial love. When you die, there will be people who remember your annuity accounts, managed funds and mutual investment trusts. In fact, they will remember you by trying to take a little piece of you for themselves. Does that not show that people love you? They will say: “Lawrence Guttmann was a great man. I got $43,221.27 in silver futures from him when he died.” Isn’t that flattering? When you die, you will not be forgotten. In fact, people will scurry over your body for financial mementos. That shows that you were loved. Does it really matter if they remember you “for who you were?” Your eulogy will be simple: “Lawrence Guttmann was worth $34,522,876.98 at the time of his death, less estate taxes, costs and attorney’s fees. Thank you for coming.”

Stay the course, Lawrence. You are the most successful man I have ever known, and I love you down to the last penny in your pocket. I am proud to be married to a man with such loving money. Think of me tonight, my darling. Think how happy you make me. You may feel regrets about your life, but you should not. After all, everyone loves your money. Even people who hate your personality love to receive certified checks from you. Everyone loves money, and because you have money, everyone loves you. So do not feel worthless. You have led a worthy life. You can draft bigger bank notes than almost anyone else in the country, and people love you for that. You are a popular man; everyone wants your beautiful money.

You are Lawrence Guttmann. You are the man whose money I love. I hope you feel better soon, my darling. And most importantly, I hope you conclude that merger deal quickly, so you get that wire transfer. It sure will feel good to have even more money in our accounts.

Sleep well, my love,

Your devoted wife and sole heir-beneficiary at law, to the exclusion of all other heirs at law,

Mrs. Cynthia F. Guttmann-Greifwohl,
Senior Nuptial Accountholder, All Rights Reserved


Balthazar Oesterhoudt said...

This may not be a case of satire becoming reality, but it is pretty hilarious in any event:

angelshair said...