Sunday, January 25, 2009


NOW COMETH INVITOR, Dirk Fitzwell, Esq. (hereinafter “the Invitor”), resident now and at all times relevant of the County of Cook, State of Illinois, Country of the United States of America, Western Hemisphere, Christendom, by and through himself, and as attorney therefor, subject to law and pursuant to all notice reasonably calculated to apprise an interested listener herein, Mullane v. Central Hanover Bank, 339 U.S. 306 (1950), et al., in capacities both legal and moral, corporate and personal, pursuant to a “Writing” as that term is defined in the Uniform Romantic Courtship Code (URCC), notwithstanding any considerations to the contrary thereof, pursuant to said considerations, exception to which is hereby taken, unless by agreement the parties so vary the same, and presenteth this REQUEST FOR INVITATION ACCEPTANCE (hereinafter the “Invitation”), as that term is defined in the Uniform Romantic Courtship Code (URCC, §§ 12.2, 13.6, et seq.)(West 2009), and pursuant to any judicial interpretation thereon by any competent tribunal acting pursuant to personal and subject matter jurisdiction, to Bertha H. Jigglesworth, Esq., (hereinafter “the Invitee”); but in no event shall this Invitation be valid if read by Invitee on a Sunday; unless it be Easter Sunday, in which case aforesaid Invitation shall be read as if it be Thursday, provided that notice be given pursuant to law.

Invitor hereby informs, announces, declares, makes known, conveys, apprises and giveth notice, subject to all rules, formalities, solemnities and means authorized, provided and prescribed by law, that Invitor, being desirous of a Mutually Convenient Social Meeting for Nonprofessional, Relational or Sexual Purposes (hereinafter “Date”), herewith respectfully requests Invitee to accompany Invitor to a commercial establishment of his choosing, first class postage prepaid, U.S. Mail, subject to fees and taxes, payment whereof shall be borne in full by Invitee, but in no event shall aforesaid commercial establishment be named Red Lobster® (subsidiary of Darden Restaurants, Inc., a Delaware corporation); except in cases wherein the parties mutually vary such exclusion by agreement. Invitor, being the open, obvious, notorious record holder in fee simple under color of right of that certain Real Estate situated in Ridewell Street, County of Cook, State of Illinois, Country of the United States, Western Hemisphere, Christendom, Latitude 45.14 W by 24.21 N, surveying insurance, title guarantee, proof of warranty deed and indemnity wherefor is hereby given, being 41 years old, and being unmarried, doth respectfully request, petition and move (subject to the Rules of Civil Procedure, Rules of the Supreme Court and Rules of Court; all limitations reserved) that he be granted leave to compel Invitee to accompany Invitor on said Date, pursuant to the exceptions hereinbefore mentioned (cf. Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 37). Failure to respond to this Invitation constitutes Criminal Contempt, a Class 2 Misdemeanor pursuant to § 234.12 of the Criminal Code of 1961 (West 2009). Reckless Refusal to Provide an Answer to this Invitation in a Manner Suitable to Invitor is a Class 2 Felony pursuant to § 234.14 of the Criminal Code of 1961 (West 2009). Any judicially assessed fines under this Invitation shall be payable to the Invitor, applicable taxes to be borne by Invitee, notwithstanding the Internal Revenue Code (Title 26, United States Code). This Invitation shall constitute conclusive evidence that Invitee received, read, understood, comprehended, mentally processed, acquiesced to, recognized, assented to, consented to, waived any and all objections to, and otherwise agreed to all terms contained in this Invitation; unless Invitee speaks fluent Flemish, in which case this Invitation shall be void ab initio, per tempore, ultra vires, non audio alteram partem and contra omnes, notwithstanding Invitee’s desire or constitutional right to the contrary, it being recognized as a matter of law, there being no genuine issue of material fact, that Flemish speakers shall not, and shall never, enjoy equal right, protection or privilege under these, the laws of the States of the United States of America, or the Federal Government thereof, because the customs, language and inhabitants of Flanders be fundamentally noxious to a Free People, Invitor included therein. Further, Invitee hereby waives any right to trial by jury for any dispute, altercation, crime, tussle, tiff, battle, catfight, acrimonious verbal exchange (AVE), controversy or claim (for property or otherwise) related in any way, shape, form, incarnation (either real or imagined) or semblance to this Invitation, jurisdiction whereover is hereby conferred upon the Fitzwell Arbitration Consultants Corp. (hereinafter “FACC”), an Illinois Corporation, Dick Fitzwell, Esq., President, CEO and Chief Arbitrator, the judgments whereof shall have preclusive, collateral estoppel, res judicata and binding effect upon any subsequent claim by Invitee, any constitutional principle notwithstanding.

For the foregoing reasons, explication whereof by Invitor is hereby acknowledged, Invitor expresseth his true hope, expectation and wish, that Invitee accepeth this Invitation, pursuant to law, notice and the exceptions contained herein; but in no event shall Invitor consent to any such acceptance if Invitee appeareth overweight at the time of Date.

Respectfully Submitted, postage prepaid, Notice of Filing having been duly affixed, pursuant to URCC §§ 14.2, 15.8 (West 2009), and all applicable court rules, Civil Procedure rules and judicial exceptions not herein mentioned, this 25th Day in the Year of our Lord 2009.

Mr. Dirk Fitzwell, Esq.

Thrust, Stickett & Fitzwell, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors at Law
Atty No. : 32156
DF : ldg

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