Tuesday, January 27, 2009


By : Mr. Clarence Thomas (Republican), Associate Justice, United States Supreme Court; Former Head of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission; Republican Connoisseur of Fine Adult Entertainment; Beneficiary of Affirmative Action Programs offered by Yale Law School and the Federal Government; Member, Federalist Society Section Against Affirmative Action

You don’t hear from me very often. I never say anything in Court. I never ask any questions. I just kind of sit there and gaze off into the gallery or read a novel in my lap while some dude rattles off about free speech. I let Justice Scalia do most of the talking. People call me an idiot, a mute, a dummy, a moron and an Uncle Tom. That hurts. But I don’t let the turkeys get me down. I have powerful friends; and I have everybody fooled. I might not know anything about the Constitution, but I sure know how to make it look like I know what I’m doing up here.

I’m a proud black Republican. There aren’t many of us, but we are a happy few. Black guys call me a “traitor to my race.” My predecessor—Thurgood Marshall—even called me “decidedly the wrong kind of negro.” They can yap all they want; look who’s in prison, and look who’s on the Supreme Court calling shots. They ain’t my brothers. I’m down with Bush, Roberts, Scalia and Cheney, fool. Call me crazy, but I like to know I’ll be taken care of. They needed a black man on the Supreme Court in 1991. George Bush the First was President in those days. He was a Republican. I am, too; and I’m black. Like I said, there aren’t many of us, so I stepped on in. They gave me a hard time in the Senate, but I made it, because there were more Republicans (51) than Democrats (48). They asked me what Supreme Court cases influenced me the most. I said: “I’ll need to think about that one for a minute.” In the end, I never answered, because I don’t know any Supreme Court cases. Even Strom Thurmond voted for me, the same guy who wanted to resegregate America in the 1950s. I guess he thought if a black man is a Republican, all is forgiven. It’s like he ain’t even black no more once he puts on the elephant button.

Harry Reid wanted to impeach me a couple years ago. He said I was “ignint” and didn’t know the Constitution from a hole in the ground. Player, please. I know what the Constitution is. It’s that thing we talk about, you know what I’m saying? Harry Reid is just an angry white racist Democrat trying to lynch a hard-working Republican black man. There were more Republicans than Democrats in Congress back then, so nobody impeached nobody. My Republican homies stepped up for me. Can I get my Republican brothers to put your hands in the air for Justice Thomas? Thank you very much. Much love to Senator Cornyn. I’ma keep on doing what I’m doing up in here, if you know what I’m taking about. Hells to the yizz-eah. We got this.

I do a lot more than people think. If you listened to the Democrats, you would think I’m a race traitor and a political hack. You would think I’m intellectually retarded and can’t write for shit. You might even think that someone else is doing my job, but I just show up and sit behind the bench. Look here, I ain’t lying: My law clerks do my writing. But I tell them what to write. I know what I know, and that’s what tells me how to decide a case. I know I don’t like affirmative action. I know I don’t like anything that helps a black man. And there ain’t no such thing as “discrimination.” When some lazy black man steps up and says his employer “discriminated” against him, I say: “No he didn’t. People don’t discriminate no more.” And I don’t let black men off the hook for anything in the world. Death penalty cases are my favorite. Like when some Georgia hoodlum named Billie or Willie says: “I didn’t do it.” I say: “Shit yes you did,” then I let the State execute him. This is what I’m talking about. Always it’s some black man saying life ain’t fair in the United States. They dead wrong. Look at me. I made it. Why can’t you? I got mine. You best get yours. Yeah, I had affirmative action to help me get where I’m at, but that don’t mean you should get it, too. Let me tell you black men something: Be a Republican. It worked for me. Maybe it will work for you.

It is not easy to be a Supreme Court justice. You need to have a particular facial expression when you walk into the courtroom. You need to look the part. And you need to look like you know what you’re doing. I don’t know anything about precedent or legal reasoning. But I sure as shit know how to look like I do. That’s hard work. That’s acting. I have rehearsed that serious stare in the mirror every day since 1990. When you peer into my eyes, it looks like I’ve read all the cases and thought about the briefs. But actually I was down at the Supreme Court cafeteria eating beef franks with my clerks. Justice Scalia can do the reading for both of us. Most of the time I just vote with him, anyway.

People say that I am Justice Scalia’s dog. Look, I do vote with Justice Scalia on the big cases, but I am my own man. I am tired of hearing that I’m just a lackey. I’m a black Republican, and that means I go beyond what Republicans expect. I am Republican plus. Just like Jackie Robinson had to be superstar plus, I have to be Republican plus. I don’t just decide against the liberals; I take superconservative positions. I say the federal government should not be able to regulate airlines. I say all black men should be executed without right to appeal. I say there is no more discrimination. I say States have no interest in correcting “racial imbalances” because there is already equality in this country. I say black people live in bad neighborhoods because they made “voluntary housing choices” to be there. I say the federal government cannot restrict advertisers from speaking, even when they are misleading. I say there should be no limit on campaign spending as long as the candidate is Republican. I say abortion is murder and a woman must bear the offspring of rape. I say welfare is waste. I say police should be able to search homes without warrants. And I say that the President can lock up anyone he wants without a reason. Justice Scalia may agree with me, but he does not go as far as I do. That’s because I am a black Republican. I need to achieve 200% to get 100%. He is white. He just needs to do the bare minimum to win. I need to go the extra mile; and I do. All in all, I agree with Justice Scalia on most things. I just am more Republican than he is because I’m black.

I love my job. No matter what the Democrats say, I’m in for life. I just turned 60. I have many more years to sit here and listen to arguments, take naps and tell my clerks what to do. The pay is pretty good and the food is great.

I am a little concerned about President Obama. He has publicly said that he believes in affirmative action and civil rights legislation. That puts us on a collision course, because I reject anything that helps black people, especially poor ones. America is equal; it’s right there in the Declaration of Independence. Government has no business doling out handouts to black folks. What you trying to say? That we need help because we're inferior? Just look at me. I made it. I don’t need anyone’s help, whether it’s from Obama or anyone else. I’m no different than any other black man. Obama and all the others just need to see that black men can succeed if they just join the Republican Party. Black people don’t need any more extra help. They are doing fine. They are equal to whites. When you treat black people better than whites, you hurt whites. This is an equal society. Allowing a black man to get into Harvard more easily denies a qualified white man a Harvard education. That ain’t right. It is unjust to treat white people unequally. Black people don’t need help if it hurts an innocent white man. And I’m going to continue saying that as long as I sit here listening to arguments while reading novels.

I get a bad rap. That is why I’m talking to you today. I’ve always said that I don’t speak much because listening is better than speaking. At least, that’s what I tell law school audiences. But I understand that some people might get the wrong idea about me because I don’t really say that much. I’m here to set the record straight. I am a black Republican. I am no race traitor. I got mine; you get yours. I don’t need anybody’s help. I have strong friends. I let other people write my opinions; I just tell them what to say in a nutshell. I like my job. I have it for life. I basically know what the Constitution is. I affirm death sentences for black men. I support religion in public life. I don’t like free speech, unless a company is speaking. And I never, ever give a black man a break. This is an equal society; they don’t need any help. Just look at me. Nobody discriminated against me; I made it all the way to the Supreme Court.

Stop whining. If I can be a Supreme Court justice, so can you, whether you’re white, black, red, yellow, mullatto, Filipino, Colombian, Czech, crippled, blind, schizophrenic, ignorant, mute, deaf, retarded, dead, comatose or an ape. Just make sure you’re a member of the party that will confirm you.
It’s lunchtime. I need to get to the cafeteria. Peace out: That’s enough talk for the next few years.

1 comment:

SteveW said...

One of the interesting problems with affirmative action is that anyone who benefited from it is "barred" from arguing against it. The "bar" only works if they actually needed it to succeed, which means that if the "bar" is applied to someone they are tainted and damaged goods. Which makes me wonder what the benefit of having such a program is if the recipients end up as tainted and damaged goods.

However, thankfully, affirmative action recipients are ONLY considered tainted and damaged goods in the narrow context of being disallowed from arguing against affirmative action. In all other contexts, I'm absolutely certain they are viewed the same as everyone else, and not thought less of for being recipients of affirmative action.

Just sayin'