TOP SECRET MEMO TO THE PRESIDENT

TO : George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.

FROM : Richard B. Cheney, Secure Location in the Eastern Hemisphere

RE : Dawn Johnsen & National Security

This memo is to advise that the incoming 44th President, Barack "Hussein" Obama, intends to appoint Ms. Dawn Johnsen to head the Office of Legal Counsel at the Department of Justice. This is a national security threat. I recommend strong action.

A. BACKGROUND

Dawn Johnsen is a law professor at the Indiana University School of Law. She has communist, feminist, Islamist and terrorist tendencies. She says she respects the "Constitution and the rule of law," but in fact she is an insurgent. Over the last few years, she has written numerous "internet articles" revealing her view that you have "gone too far as President," that I am part of the so-called "unitary Executive" and that we both have "trampled on liberty." Obviously she is an abortion supporter, too. As you can see, we're dealing with a hammer-and-sickle ideologue here with no idea about national security issues.

It gets worse. Ms. Johnsen will be joining an influential department in the upcoming "negro administration." She will write memos that urge "Hussein" to undo all of our work. She will tell him to lift wiretaps and dismantle our foreign interrogation centers, including the torture chambers in Poland. She even has told Hussein to close down Guantanamo because our detainment policies "violate the Constitution." In our administration, constitutional violations were just a nuisance to be ignored. They were everyday business. Now this communist wants to somehow make the Constitution important again.

Ms. Johnsen intends to target us after we leave the White House. She says she wants "full disclosure" about everything we did since 2001 in order to "restore national honor and human decency" to Presidential discourse. Basically, we're dealing with an estrogen-pumped socialist bitch on wheels here, Mr. President. She is going to make the Watergate tapes look like Sesame Street re-runs. After all, we didn't talk about "third-rate burglaries;" we talked about invading another country knowing that we lied to the American people about weapons of mass destruction. Luckily, our conversations were never taped, and we still have time to burn all our files. I would not worry about prosecution. My men are handling the evidence problem, so sleep easy.

Ms. Johnsen is dead wrong. She thinks our policies "damaged national honor and human dignity." We did what was necessary to protect freedom. The fact that we stripped some Arabs naked and stacked them up for television audiences was all part of the plan. Basically, we said: "You mess with America and we will torture you." No one attacked us after 9/11, so we did the right thing. There is nothing dishonorable about protecting America from foreign marauders.

B. RECOMMENDATIONS

Mr. President, we had a good run. We just need to watch out for this Dawn Johnsen she-witch. This fire-breathing lesbo is on the hunt for us. She will not calm down until we face investigation under Hussein's Department of Justice. True, we would stand trial under loyal judges you appointed, but let's try to avoid the problem before it materializes.

We hold executive power until January 20 at 12:01 PM. We still have authority to designate people "enemy combatants" in the War on Terror, no matter what legal niceties the Supreme Court thinks apply to the question. I suggest that you designate Ms. Johnsen an "enemy combatant" and a "national security threat." After all, she is threatening to pilfer our files, reveal CIA practices, secret surveillance protocols and torture discussions. Those are vital weapons in the War on Terror. Without them, national security would be at risk. We must detain Ms. Johnsen so that these practices do not come to light. We need them to protect America.

Additionally, Ms. Johnsen is an avowed Islamist. She studies Middle Eastern history and culture. We can tell the FBI to say she corresponds with Al-Zahrqawi and bin Laden. We can circulate stories that she secretly watches 9/11 footage and cheers in Arabic when the Twin Towers collapse. That will justify her indefinite detention without charge, hearing or access to counsel. We'll see how much her "Constitution" helps her when she is tied up in an orange suit somewhere in the South America.

Act now. Designate Dawn Johnsen an "enemy combatant" and send her to Guantanamo while you still can. Hussein says he wants to close Guantanamo, but that will take a long time. And I think it would be poetically just to send this snooping communist wench to Guantanamo. So you think we violate the Constitution? Let us show you firsthand, lady. How about a little afternoon waterboarding? That would show her who's the man in this relationship. Dousing her with water while she's covered with cellophane would make her stop carping about "human dignity" and "habeas corpus." Unitary executive? Woman, we will show you the nature of executive power--and you won't like it.

Mr. President, you must take action against Dawn Johnsen immediately. This woman is a national security threat. She is dangerous. She must be stopped before she takes office. Please advise through appropriate channels as soon as she has been neutralized.

Say hello to Laura for me. I'm not sure when I'll see you next. If you need me for any reason, contact Colonel Frank Dilbert on the 5th Floor of the Pentagon. He knows how to contact me.

In closing, let me say that I am worried about our country. If Hussein keeps appointing radical left-wingers like Dawn Johnsen, the Constitution might actually mean something in American government again. Thank God we did not have to worry about the Constitution while we were in office. We could not have gotten anything done.

Dick.