Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Confederacy of Adept Butt-Kissers for Limitless Professional Advancement Through Strategic Oral/Anal Contact

By : Ms. Amanda F. Pennylick, Chief Financial Officer and Party Deputy Organizer

In America, we are born free. We are born in country where every man or woman can advance as far as merit will take him or her. We do not have classes. We do not have royals. We have no caste system. In America, hard work, perseverance and responsibility can make any dream come true. In our great land, we reward service.

Service means work. Every American must work in order to secure the success to which he or she is entitled. That means finding suitable employment as early as possible in life. Through their collective efforts, employers in the United States have created the world’s most successful economy. Nations all over the world envy our economic power. They crave our goods, our culture and our music. They envy us because everyone has the potential to succeed in America. Anyone can own a mansion or Bentley car. In America, anyone can make it as long as they find employment and work hard at it.

We believe more people should know about success in America. Success is America’s great gift to its people. Anyone may receive this gift, but not enough people know how to open it. We, the Confederacy of Adept Butt-Kissers for Limitless Professional Advancement Through Strategic Oral/Anal Contact, have a simple message: “You can make it as long as you kiss the right asses.”

To the common man, it may seem that success is an impossible dream. After all, where does a common man begin on the path to success? Simple: He must identify himself within the hierarchy of professional advancement. Every employer has a hierarchy. In every major business, there are those who earn $5.50 scrubbing toilet seats after hours, and there are those who earn $1,400,000 per year for presenting financial data to the Board of Directors. Every new employee finds himself somewhere between the two. To advance up the ladder, one must know one’s superiors. Once one identifies one’s superiors, one must adeptly administer well-aimed kisses to their buttocks, whether by favorably commenting on the superior’s clothing, inquiring as to the superior’s family, remembering the superior’s wife’s name or even volunteering to work more hours for the superior. Most importantly, an adept professional maintains maximal oral/anal contact with the superior without the superior even knowing it. No superior wants slobbery lips on his rear end every minute of every day; in the world of ass-kissing, modesty counts.

We believe that every American can learn the Butt-Kissing Method to Professional Success. Employees do not succeed without a healthy sense of humility and self-effacement, and Adept Butt-Kissers know how to efface themselves. Just as there is no “I” in “Team,” there is also no “me” in “Butt-Lick.” To advance up the ladder to success, one must never forget one’s low status. Think of it this way: On the ladder to success, one must keep one’s head perpetually inclined in order to see the next higher butt to kiss.

We all have the potential to succeed in America. Yet even Adept Butt-Kissers face hazards on their path to large salaries. Even momentary defiance or self-indulgence can spell doom for talented ass-kissers. Questioning one’s superiors can lead to demotion and disfavor. One must never question one’s superiors. Rather, the Adept Butt-Kisser cheerfully smiles at every directive from his or her superiors, even if those directives are utterly ridiculous. The Butt-Kisser does not evaluate; the Butt-Kisser simply performs. When there are no more butts to kiss, then you can start thinking for yourself. Until then, you must keep smiling and saying: “Yes, ma’am! I will take care of that yesterday!” or “You got it, sir! You can count on me to have that report on your desk before you can say: ‘Money Market!’”

Good butt-kissers play their position, namely, with their faces nestled near the proper posterior to be kissed. On the ladder to success, one must never stray too far from the superior whose ass needs kissing. Even momentary deviations can lead to disfavor, undoing months of arduous oral contact with well-placed glutei maximi. To avoid such deviations, we suggest adopting a physical dimension to your professional advancement efforts. To that end, do not just smile when you flatter your Group Leader or Division Director. Swish your hair and walk upright. Shake your shoulders when you walk and bounce on your feet to show how enthusiastic you are about getting your superiors’ work done. Speak positively. Do not complain. When you hear good news about your company, shout for joy. Clap your hands. By contrast, when you hear about competitors, castigate them. Tell your superiors that: “We’ll work twice as hard to get ‘em next time, sir.” Or “Those bastards! Wait ‘til we release your new product; they’ll wish they hadn’t crossed you, sir.” In other words, the Adept Butt-Kissing Method is a lifestyle. It has mental, physical and emotional dimensions. To succeed, one must master all the elements.

Everyone deserves to succeed in America. You want a higher salary, don’t you? You want respect, don’t you? Aren’t you sick and tired of bosses ordering you around and landlords telling you that your rent is due? Well then do something about it! Join the Confederacy of Adept Butt-Kissers For Limitless Professional Advancement Through Strategic Oral/Anal Contact. Become a boss yourself. Kiss the right asses so that people will start kissing yours. Stop criticizing the hierarchy; become part of it. Get the right attitude. Moisten your lips, put a spring in your step, brighten your attitude and prepare to kiss. You want to be successful, don’t you? The next time your superior tells you: “Kiss my ass,” say confidently: “Of course, sir! At what time? And what part of your ass would you like kissed today?” This year, start dreaming the American dream the way it was meant to be dreamed: Kissing an ass that can get you promoted.

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