Saturday, January 24, 2009


By : Mr. John G. Roberts, Chief Justice, United States Supreme Court; Harvard Law School Graduate, magna cum laude; Former Law Clerk to Hon. William H. Rehnquist, Chief Justice, United States Supreme Court (1986-2005, deceased); Highly successful lawyer in private corporate practice with annual income exceeding $1,000,000; white male Republican with no love for radical Baptist socialist upstarts.

Several weeks ago, I wrote that I promised to deliver occasional, irrational conservative judicial opinions in the Obama era. But I was writing before I administered the constitutional oath of office to President Barack Hussein Obama on January 20, 2009. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. And I am not at all happy with this smug, svelte demagogue. By every judicial means at my disposal, I intend to wage constitutional war on this insolent black man, commander-in-chief or not. He didn’t appoint me. And he’s not in my branch.

Who does this guy think he is? The New York Times is calling him the next FDR. People are buying Obama dolls, hanging up Obama posters and reciting absurd slogans like: “Mr. Obama, please give us hope.” What is going on here? In my previous article, I noted that I would write constitutional opinions in whatever way I chose, because I hold my office “during good behavior.” See U.S. Const. Article III, § 1. I reminded giddy Democrats that it is not so easy to sack Supreme Court justices, and George W. Bush put both me and Sam Alito on the bench before flying back to Texas last week. We are both in our mid-fifties; no matter what Obama says, we are here to stay. But now I intend to do more than merely write occasionally irrational conservative judicial opinions to contradict Obama’s policies. This is no longer about the law. Obama made this personal. He said I flubbed the constitutional oath, and every news network in the country is calling me a doofus or worse. “Oaf of office,” says the New York Times.

Screw you liberal assholes. I’m Chief Justice; you’re just a bunch of European-loving reds.

What do these pansy reporters know about the Constitution? Or tell me, what does this African rabble-rouser in the Oval Office know about the Constitution? I went to Harvard Law School. I graduated magna cum laude. I clerked for Judge Friendly on the Second Circuit, then Chief Justice Rehnquist on the Supreme Court. These are top legal jobs; you can’t do any better than what I’ve done. I have lived, breathed and eaten the Constitution my whole life. I have argued dozens of constitutional cases before the Supreme Court. I know my grammar, too. I am a superb writer, and I am extremely intelligent. Yet these losers say I “flubbed” the oath of office.

So what if I did? I said: “I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will execute the Office to President of the United States faithfully.” True, the constitutional text appears as follows: “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States.” Article II, § 1, cl. 8. I used the preposition “to” instead of “of,” and I put the adverb “faithfully” at the end, not before the verb “execute.” They’re calling it the “oaf of office” because I missed a word here and there? Well, I meant what I said. I actually wanted to mis-administer the oath so that we could sue to remove him from office later. Unfortunately, Obama called me in the next day to correctly repeat the oath. But they are not leaving me alone with this “oaf” nonsense. I am not feeling good about this at all, especially because these people have no business challenging my constitutional expertise.

Nobody calls me an idiot and gets away with it. I am Chief Justice. I am the ultimate authority on the United States Constitution. This is about right and wrong; and it is not open for interpretation. President Obama thinks he can just smile broadly and give a high-flown speech to avoid danger. Well, not if I have anything to say about it. I may not be a thrilling orator. I may not even be that good looking. But I command the Constitution, and I intend to muster every constitutional weapon at my disposal to have my revenge on Obama.

Obama has no idea what he has gotten himself into. I am going to make his life a living hell. I will use judicial review on him every chance I get. Every time he issues an executive order, I will waive the standing rules, grant certiorari and declare it unconstitutional. Every time his commie Congress passes a wasteful civil rights bill, I will invalidate it on Contract Clause grounds. I will also make direct rhetorical attacks on the President without the usual Supreme Court elegance. For example, I will no longer say: “In our separated system of government, the President must heed constitutional bounds.” Instead, I will say: “Obama has his head up his ass if he thinks he can pass this bill, so help him God.”

I have no more time for half-measures and polite discourse. True, I’ll have to make Justice Stevens and Justice Ginsburg “disappear” for a while, but that will not be difficult. A few free opera tickets will entice Ginsie to stay away from Court, while some sleeping pills for old John Paul will render him comatose in his seat during oral arguments. With those two liberal relics out of the way, I will have a 5-2 majority to block every damn thing Obama tries to pull. And there is nothing Obama can do about it. You can’t remove us, baby. See Article III, § 1.

You can’t call me stupid. I am smarter than you will ever be. And nobody opens me up to public ridicule without serious consequences. I will not just frustrate Obama’s legislative initiatives. I intend to personally embarrass him, too—in public. I command the Supreme Court police. I can order them to trip the President during press conferences, or throw popcorn at him on the White House lawn. These are my guys. They do what I tell them to do. They do not take orders from the President, and we’ll see who’s “the oaf” after my officers toss a crème pie in Obama’s face during a tete-a-tete with Russian President Medvedev. That may not be constitutional, but it sure will make me feel good. Let’s not forget who is Chief Justice. You cross me, and I’ll cross you. The era of judicial restraint is over, Mr. President. This is war.

President Obama may think he’s a righteous crusader. He may think America looks up to him as the savior. But no matter how many crowds cheer him, and no matter how many news articles praise him, I am still the Chief Justice. George W. Bush appointed me, not Obama. I am true to my benefactor; Obama actually voted against me in the Senate. Bad move, my friend.

It’s time to settle the score, Hussein. I will take you down from your pedestal faster than you can say: “Faithfully Execute.” Are you ready to get judicial, Mr. President? I am. Let’s get it on. The Courtiznit is now in sessioniznit, bee-ochiznit.

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