THE EMPLOYMENT CORNER - GET A JOB, WILL YOU?

At Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we are committed to helping you find a job. As the candidates debate about how to create jobs in the 21st Century, we are here to give you the practical tools you need to get a job today.

In this edition, we continue our commitment to helping you find meaningful employment. Below, we publish one of the most important documents you will need in your job search: The resume. There is perhaps no other document more important than a resume. This is your opportunity to paint your own portrait. This is your chance to show your potential employer who you are. It is your chance to shine; and it is your chance to finally get a wage.

To write an effective resume, you must know your audience. As we have said in previous publications, employers want to see how you will fit into their economic mission. Thus, you must not only show that you are a unique individual, but you must also show that you are an individual who will efficiently serve the employer. Show how your abilities and background match the employers' needs. Do you speak a foreign language? Say how that language will increase your employer's wealth. Are you familiar with computer programs? Explain how your knowledge will lead to business growth and increased productivity for your employer. Yes, you are an individual. But you want to be an employee. To that end, you must show how your individual talents will enrich your employer. Mere individuality is not enough; you must show how your individuality will be useful to this employer.

What, then, is useful? Usefulness depends on the employer's business. A skill useful to a banker may not be useful to a baker. Nonetheless, there are certain key virtues that any employer will appreciate: Dedication, loyalty, honesty, decency, good morals, strong character, thrift, modesty. Most of all, every employer appreciates a person who does not complain about work. Good employees are happy to be working for their employers. They do not complain that their labor enriches someone else. In today's market, they are simply glad they are paying the rent, no matter what abstract injustice they feel about working for someone else. That is the attitude you must convey in your resume: Blow your own horn, but be humble. And never whine.

We present the following resume to demonstrate how you should market yourself. By understanding what employers want, you can present your credentials in the most compelling possible way. Remember: Employers want a certain type of person. In the resume that follows, you will see the characteristics of that type. By following this example, you will get your foot in the employment door. And that is half the battle. From all of us here at Reason, Commerce, Justice & Free Beer, we wish you continued success in your quest for employment.

KENDALL F. CARLSON, JR.

36 Park Avenue South
Apartment 25D
New York, NY 10003
Kendall F. Carlson, Jr.

Tel: (212) 643-1390 Cell : (917) 218-2600
KFC_Jr@Weiner.com

Education

Wharton School of Business
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Master of Business Administration 1999
Cumulative GPA : 3.908. Dean’s List every semester. Summa Cum Laude.
Class Rank : 6th of 192 full-time students; distinguished plagiarism award.
Won Harvard Sycophants’ Club Prestigious Butt-Licker Plaque– Spring 1997.

Indiana University
Bloomington, Indiana
Bachelor of Arts Summa Cum Laude 1996
Major in Finance Management. Minor in Female Anatomy. Member, Iota Phi Upsilon Kappa fraternity (IFUK). Gained valuable experience in career-relevant beer games. Assembled Rolodex during keg parties. Engaged in entrepreneurial enterprise by hosting wet-tee-shirt contests with collaboration of Anheuser-Busch, Co. Raised more than $40,000 in one event. Successfully copied exam answers and handed in papers written by others.
Cumulative GPA: 3.90. Major GPA: 4.01.

Objective

It is my professional goal to provide maximum profitability at minimum cost. At the same time, it is my professional goal to provide maximal customer and company satisfaction. It is my intention to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to your cause, and to selflessly serve your interests without regard to my welfare, health, safety or mental well-being. When you win, so do I. That is why I am prepared to work any hours you may direct, including weekends and holidays. My job is to give pleasure to you and your clients. I will stop at nothing to pleasure you both. I am dedicated to serving you. I am also dedicated to receiving a competitive salary from you on a weekly basis. Together, we can prevail. Together, we can widen the profit margins and give the company a banner year. Let’s stop talking. Let’s start doing. Losers talk; winners do. Let’s be winners together. Hire me. Winning: It’s what I do.

Professional Experience

Wal-Mart Corporation, Expansions Division
Chicago, Illinois
Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing May 2005 – present
Supervised high-powered sales team while playing computer solitaire and making personal phone calls. Presented winning market strategies to senior corporate management while concealing the fact that I did not create them. Consistently took credit for others’ work. Updated work logs while sending text messages to friends. Maintained appearance of diligence in office while surfing internet. Managed personnel for productivity and fired weak-producing employees. Developed special surveillance program to ensure only company-related computer use during work hours (with exceptions for Senior Managers and Board Members).

Toys-R-Us Company, Advertising and Marketing Dept.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Senior Vice President of Marketing and Advertising January 2003 – May 2005
Generated healthy profits for corporate leadership while emailing personal acquaintances. Oversaw busy advertising department while coordinating dinner dates on company time. Received yearly Maximum Satisfaction Award at Corporate Banquet 2005. Conducted online shopping and spoke to various girlfriends on phone (including 3-way conference calls). Effectively balanced solitaire play with work on company profit statements. Cost-effectively copied documents while managing busy weekend schedule. Cultivated office infighting to generate healthy competition among productive coworkers and to deflect attention from internet porn consumption during work hours. Supervised disciplinary commission to reprimand employees for making personal calls on the job. Received accolades for boosting overall productivity in 2004.

Target Company, Finance Management Office
Cincinnati, Ohio
Assistant Vice President for Bookkeeping Revision October 1999 – January 2003
Coordinated in-depth corporate financial spreadsheet management while adjusting profit/loss statements. Received directives from corporate management to mark liabilities as assets. Assisted senior staff in formulating year-end financial statements by removing negative information so as to convey larger gains to shareholders. Successfully seized initiative by embezzling company funds when practicable. Imaginatively concealed embezzlement while maintaining excellent relationships with corporate management. Engaged in personal phone calls while writing on company stationery. Gained valuable insights into corporate financial operations through hands-on experience with professional accounting hooligans. Surfed internet and sent personal emails on an everyday basis while maintaining diligent and workmanlike appearance.


Special Skills

· Superior communications ability, including ability to make listener believe that I will call him or her back, when in fact I will not.
· Excellent computer knowledge, including all Microsoft Office Applications and Internet Browsing programs.
· Outstanding ability to exaggerate, lie, showcase, obfuscate and backstab, all while convincing listener that I am a “great guy to work with.”
· Proven capacity to get accounts by any means necessary, including intimidation, deception and libel.
· Superb ability to make anyone feel good by remembering people’s names, telling stories, inviting potential clients to sports games, golfing and smiling a lot, even with people I don’t like.
· Magnificent wardrobe sense.
· Connoisseur-like knowledge of major American beers, including all local establishments where such beers are sold.
· Proven capacity to show up for work, sit at my desk at least until 5 PM, eat lunch and go home.
· I speak English.
· Superior ability to be dishonest, disrespectful, insensitive, cruel, unforgiving, raucous and unfriendly, but never violating any laws. I do not have a criminal record, but I have lied, cheated, stolen, misrepresented, falsified and hurt many people in my life. But I never had anything other than the company’s best interests at heart when I did these things.
· Total, unwavering dedication to company business. I do what I am told every time, all the time.
· Unrivaled weekend performance, including ability to drink 40 beers per night while singing karaoke, eating buffalo wings, watching television and attempting fornication.