FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISORY

By : Agent F.A. (Undisclosed Office)

Since September 11, 2001, our government has taken key steps to keep America safe. President Bush created the Department of Homeland Security in order to defend America’s frontiers—and internal areas—from infiltration by Islamic fundamentalist terror cells. Acting in conjunction with the FBI, CIA and local law enforcement agencies, the Department has foiled numerous terror strikes against America. We can marvel at the fact that no further major terrorist violence has occurred in the United States since 9/11. We can thank the Department for achieving that amazing result.

To fight terror, we need superior information. Here at the Department, we constantly have our ears to the ground. We monitor suspicious “chatter” every day. We listen to Muslim news broadcasts, attend mosque services incognito, scan library records, observe any male wearing a turban or other Muslim headdress and we intercept all Arabic CB radio transmissions. If it’s in Arabic, chances are it concerns terrorism. It might even contain references to Osama bin Laden, and we would not want to miss that. Armed with information, we take action to foil plots. And we foil them often.

We cannot disclose the nature, type or number of plots we have foiled since beginning operations. National security requires that we maintain our sources. We can say, however, that no terror strikes have occurred on American soil since 9/11. We can also say that we have foiled plots since 2001, and that we are keeping America safe. Additionally, we can say that we are working hard every day to keep you safe in many ways. We cannot disclose the identities of agents working on Homeland Security missions, where they are working or when they will foil the next plot. In most cases, we will not disclose whether we foil a plot, but in some serious cases we will. In any event, our activities preserve freedom and stop terror before it happens.

America is great because Americans live without fear. They go about their business without worrying that a terrorist may interrupt their plans. In fact, Americans know that if they modified their schedules out of fear, the terrorists win. The last thing any American wants to do is let the terrorists win. Nonetheless, the Department has a role to play in helping Americans live terror-free lives. Consistent with Department protocols and national security prerogatives, the Department today would like to announce that several terrorist plots are brewing. We provide the following information in order to help Americans plan their daily activities, and to live without fear.

Undisclosed sources indicate that a terror strike may or may not occur on January 23, 2010. We are unable to provide further details subject to national security and intelligence concerns. Other undisclosed sources indicate that terrorists may or may not target a little league baseball game sometime after the year 2013. We cannot provide geographical details subject to national security interests. The Department has also intercepted “chatter” that suggests terror strikes may or may not occur on February 12, 2009, March 7, 2027, December 19, 2018 and August 20, 2014. Chatter also suggests that terrorists are discussing supermarkets, cafeterias, wholesale warehouses such as “Home Depot” and chartered boating excursions somewhere in a coastal State or a State containing a river. National security concerns forbid us from further disclosing attack plans or details. There may also be an indeterminate terror attack somewhere—including the United States—at some time before 2089. We will provide further details on this terror attack as soon as national security and intelligence protocols permit us to do so.

Terrorists will not win. The Department is watching them and listening to them every day and every night, all the time. We have a general idea what they are up to, and we will foil them. We will be ready on February 12, 2009, or on any other date on which a terror strike may or may not occur. We also take pride in providing detailed information to the American people. Information is a weapon, and we wield it precisely. You can rest assured that the Department is doing all it can to foil the next 9/11 before it happens. Refuse to be intimidated because you know what is going on. Terrorists hope to win by inspiring fear and uncertainty. Tell them you are not uncertain: You know that a terror strike may or may not occur somewhere at some time before 2089. Go about your day with confidence. Because when you have no fear, the terrorists lose.