POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Snot-Nosed Bankers’ Sons for Inherited, Easy and Well-Paying Desk Jobs With Benefits

By : Mr. Theodore H. van Gulders, Jr., Financial Director and Policy Coordinator

Dark economic times mean harder living for all. From coast to coast, Americans will have to forgo shopping, filling up their gas tanks and taking vacations. Frivolous spending landed America in this mess, and Americans must change their spending habits now. When there is less money in the economy, there are fewer jobs. That means more Americans will lose their jobs in coming months. Without employment, people will have less money to spend. Put simply, most Americans face a seismic shift in economic climate. But we are not your average Americans: We are Snot-Nosed Bankers’ Sons. For us, economic woes do not sting hard. Our fathers provide us comfortable jobs at Branch Offices that pay at least seven figures a year. Although we read about unemployment in the newspaper and even sympathize with millions of Americans who most cope with recession, we really could care less. After all, we still show up to the office around 9:30, leave about 4 (2:30 on Fridays), and get 8 weeks’ paid leave per year. We get cradle-to-grave health coverage, including plastic surgery insurance. While at work, we spend our time chatting with college acquaintances, emailing and occasionally saying hello to the tellers. How can this be? Simple: Our fathers own the banks. We have a hereditary right to employment at our fathers’ banks, and we aim to keep it that way. True, America stands for equal opportunity. But by the same token, America does not take success away from those who have already achieved it. This year, vote for a party that stands for hereditary success. We know you may face difficulties in this economy. But when you support Snot-Nosed Bankers, you validate the dream of success in America. This year, reward wealth. Vote to keep us at our desk jobs. It is the right thing to do. Vote Snot-Nosed Bankers in 2008. And keep success in the family—our family.

Unforgiving Landlords United for Harsher Anti-Tenant Laws

By : Mr. George G. Buckler, Managing Property Supervisor and Property Advocate

In America, every man gains by the sweat of his brow. Our earliest American forefathers worked hard because they knew they owned their land. They felled trees, cleared forests, planted crops and improved the soil. They defended their homes against the Indians and brought civilization to this Continent. Ever since those early times, our Nation has smiled upon the property owner. By pursuing property, man works his hardest. And when man works his hardest, all men benefit. When a man knows that he will own something as a result of his labor, he will double his labor. That has been our Nation’s recipe for success, and look at the marvels we have wrought. By dedicating ourselves to property, we have created the mightiest Republic the world has ever seen. Today, however, the scales are turning. Increasingly, those without property are dictating how property owners behave. Among many other rights, the property owner has the right to charge rents. When the tenant fails to pay, the owner has the right to evict the tenant. But now the law grants superfluous rights to the tenant prior to eviction. Now owners must swear out forms and appear in court before they may toss a lawless tenant from their lands. These troubling developments threaten to undermine the great spirit of property ownership in America. We, Unforgiving Landlords United for Harsher Anti-Tenant Laws, stand to reaffirm our Nation’s commitment to property owners. We must change the laws to remove all favoritism for tenants, who live on our lands by our grace alone. By extending indulgences to tenants, we cheapen ownership. No matter how pure the motive or sympathetic the sentiment, we must not allow the powerless to hold sway over the powerful. The owner has a right to rent on the first of every month. We demand our rents on the first; not a day later. If we do not receive our rent on the first, we will summarily remove the tenant from our lands at 12:01 AM on the second. We demand respect from our tenants. If a tenant slanders an owner, let him be thrown off our lands and let him forfeit his personal property. No longer must owners retain lawyers to demonstrate that a tenant has “breached the lease.” Our word must trump any allegation by the tenant. This is the right of ownership. The word “landlord” describes precisely who we are: “Lords of the Land.” No more will we tolerate courts that impose additional “duties” upon us, such as “the duty” to repair buildings or provide comforts. We sell only one thing: Possession. In return for possession, we take rent. It is the tenant’s responsibility to see to his own safety on our land. We are the lords; they are the subjects. We are the lords because we achieved ownership, and we have a right to act like owners. It is simply not our problem that you never had a chance to own property; life is not fair, nor can it be. This year, put an end to the tenants’ insurrection. These rebels must be stopped once and for all. In 2008, shout out that you believe in property rights. Vote for Unforgiving Landlords. And vote to maintain privilege in ownership.