Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Henpecked Husbands’ League for Islamic Spousal Control

By : Mr. James D. Heelgood, Senior Husband and Managing Director

“Honey? Why didn’t you get home at 5?” “Honey, could you please stop doing that?” “Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to take out the garbage?” “Honey, are you so stupid that you can’t remember to pick your dirty underwear off the floor?” “Honey, stop acting like a 4-year-old.” Are these the kinds of things you hear everyday from your lawfully-wedded wife? Are you one of the millions of devoted American husbands who receive nothing but scorn and derision from the woman you support? We know you are out there, and we know you are sick and tired of the ingratitude. Marriage is the key to a stable society. Only in marriage can we successfully raise children and perpetuate our values as a Nation. Husbands should be praised for marrying, not insulted. Marriage works because spouses divide labor; it is simply unrealistic for wives to think that husbands can do everything they want all the time. Husbands have a role: They work, pay household bills, come home, eat, perform conjugal services consistent with the marriage contract and drive their wives to pre-selected commercial locations on weekends. They do not clean, do laundry, move furniture or help buy groceries. Yet wives today all too often demand that husbands assist them with their own duties. Worse, they jibe, cajole, excoriate and humiliate us at every opportunity they get. This is not in our job description. We are supposed to be in charge. Now our own nymphs are walking all over us. We, the Henpecked Husbands’ League for Islamic Spousal Control, promise to end this unnatural revolt against our authority. We promise to assert Islamic tradition over unruly wives, including the power to divorce them simply by repeating the phrase: “I divorce you!” three times in the presence of a witness. Further, we aim to restore obedience in our wives by using the whip, the open hand and the switch to inflict corporal punishments for insolence. Wives must be humble with their husbands. They must acknowledge their place before us. Marriage in this country has decayed, but there is still time to salvage it. If you care about tradition in marriage, vote for Islamic Spousal Control. For centuries, Christians controlled their wives. Then, sometime within the last 40 years, we lost control. The Muslims never lost control over their wives. Although we despise terrorism, we believe that Muslim marriage doctrine is correct. It is time to restore order in the marriage relationship. It is time to rein in the back-talking. We must not allow willful wives to corrupt our children with disrespectful rhetoric about “gender equality.” And the law must no longer entertain specious claims labeled “domestic abuse.” Domestic abuse is our right against defiant wives. Let us bring new meaning to gender roles. Let us defend our children. Vote for Islamic Spousal Control in 2008. Do your part to end the insolence now.

Gentlemen of Commerce United to Halt Lawsuits by Unruly Office Wenches

By: Mr. Rupert H. Swanson, Chairman & Director

Equality in the workplace is a vital ingredient in this Nation’s recipe for success. Despite this, however, office wenches actively burden commercial enterprises with false claims that their male coworkers “harass” them. Defending these claims costs business millions of dollars per year—millions that could have been used to reduce consumer costs and increase wages for workers. And each claim stains reputations, impacting honest men’s ability to do business without fear. We, the Gentlemen of Commerce, are committed to ending this threat to economic prosperity. First, we must convince Congress that the perceived “bias” against female workers in the workplace no longer exists. It is not 1908 anymore; it is 2008. Women can vote and work now; there is absolutely no reason to think they require any further “special protection” under the law. Second, we must lower the standard under which men’s remarks are judged “offensive” or “harassing.” Men have a right to banter about the workplace. Remarks such as “Nice rack,” “Girl, you make me wanna holler,” “When you gonna gimme some of that, sweetie,” or “When can I hit that” must be regarded for what they are: Harmless observations that are part and parcel of everyday work exchanges. Third, we must deter unruly wenches from lodging wholly unjustified complaints against innocent men. To do this, we must have the freedom to fire women at will when they claim men are “harassing” them. In fairness to the accuser, however, we propose establishing all-male Investigative Commissions to probe all facts relevant to the claim, provided the accused male knows at least two members on the Commission. Put simply, lawsuits help no one but lawyers, and when legal costs impact a business’ ability to contribute to the economy, nobody wins. On Election Day, put a party in power that will approach workplace equality with sensibility, not litigation.

No comments: