POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Liberty Lovers for Freedom of All Speech They Agree With and No More

By : Mr. Milford H. Speakwell, Party Orator and Senior Policy Fellow

Intellectual exchange forms the bedrock of America’s success. Our Founding Fathers fought the Revolution to defend their right to speak out on important issues in their day, and today we continue that bold tradition. In America, we do not silence our citizens; we let them express their views. Our First Amendment declares: “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech.” Through pen, press and internet, every American may freely broadcast his views on any subject without governmental interference. By defending speech, we defend liberty. And America stands for liberty. Nonetheless, we disagree with a lot of speech that we hear. We are good citizens, and if we disagree with speech, it should not be allowed. While we have no problem with speech about patriotism and military affairs, we strongly disagree with jokes about terrorism and Republican Presidents, past and present. While we support speech that praises our free market economic system, we reject speech that advocates socialistic economic policies. Although freedom of speech is a wonderful principle, we must draw the line somewhere. That is why we, Liberty Lovers for Freedom of All Speech They Agree With and No More, promise to protect only agreeable speech. For too long, this Nation has tolerated immoral stand-up comedians, satirists, Islamists, left-wingers and criminals to say whatever they wish. In so doing, this Nation has permitted wrong-headed ideas to take root and flourish, harming our children and our future. This divides the Nation. If division is the price of intellectual liberty, then we must refuse to pay it. We must streamline our Nation’s thought process, and that means allowing only agreeable speech. Speech should cultivate good morals and tasteful behavior. It should not excite lust, inspire disobedience for prevailing social customs or rouse the masses to dangerous political positions. By outlawing disagreeable speech, we will realize the dream of a uniform national consciousness. And with uniformity, we can prevail against any foe, foreign or domestic. If elected, we promise to protect our children by censoring all disagreeable speech before it emerges. We promise to reunite our Nation and to speak with one voice. We love liberty, but only to the extent that we agree with what is said. Everything else is destructive libel. Vote for Liberty in 2008. Vote to put respect back in intellectual discourse. Vote to shield our children from bad ideas. And vote to put a firm cap on disagreeable speech once and for all.

Homeland Defenders’ Alliance to Torture those Muslim Sonofabitches

By : Col. Robert G. “Rack ‘Em” Rickenbacker (U.S.M.C.), Acting Staff Officer and Party Policy Delegate

We are losing the War on Terror. After liberating Iraq in 2003, al-Qaeda has steadily regained its power. Terror cells have sprung up all over the globe with renewed strength. Insurgents harass our forces in Afghanistan. Ungrateful Muslim tribes kill American soldiers every day as they struggle to give them liberty. Every day, the terrorists grow bolder. Every day, the threat to our country grows graver. Unless we act soon, the terrorists will surely strike again, this time with chemical, nuclear and biological weapons. What must we do? Simple: We need to get serious in the War on Terror and start really torturing those Muslim sonofabitches. Until now, weak-willed politicians have balked at the idea of using torture to extract vital information from terror suspects. Even the Supreme Court has meddled in our authority over enemy combatants. They say we must be “humane” and observe “habeas corpus.” Habeas, my ass. What we really need to do is lash a towelhead to an electric fence and run about 1000 low-wattage volts through him until he tells us where bin Laden is. Can you believe what Congress is doing? They are getting all queasy over “waterboarding.” Waterboarding! A terrorist should be so lucky that we’d only waterboard his ass. If we want to start winning the War on Terror, we need to start peeling some Muslim skin off. A Senator got all mad when he heard that we inflicted “sleep deprivation” on a terrorist. Give me a break, you wuss! If it were up to us, we would have rammed a bamboo pole up his rectum, not just denied him his beauty sleep. Politicians piss and moan that we are not making progress against al-Qaeda. Well, duh! You losers have not given us the tools we need to really start roasting some Arabs. We are ready to do what we need to do to win. We are ready to defend our homeland from terror. It is time to take power away from pussy politicians and put it in the hands of capable military commanders. We are in a war. Why should we trust civilians to lead us? To win a war, you need military commanders and you need military authority. There is no time to worry about international treaties and protocols or the stupid Constitution. We need to fight and kill our enemies. Because if we don’t start fighting and killing them, by God they will do the same to us. If you care about your country and your family, vote to Torture those Muslim Sonofabitches. Give the military the power it needs to protect you and your family from terrorists. The time for half-measures is over. It is time to finally win this war. Vote for Torture in 2008.