Friday, October 3, 2008


Petulant White Bourgeois Brats United for Even More Advantages Than They Have Now

By : Tucker F. Michaels, High School Valedictorian, Pleasant Meadows Preparatory Academy and Son of Influential Business Leader (with higher net worth than your father)

Let’s face it: Not everyone has the same advantages in this country. Wealth passes from father to son, and if your father wasn’t wealthy, well, sorry. We can’t all be born lucky. And here’s another fact: We call the shots and we aim to keep it that way. We don’t listen because we don’t have to. All we need to do is call Dad and everything is A-OK. Nonetheless, school administrators, college admissions officials and law enforcement officers dare to spurn us. They have the audacity to give us low grades, deny us admission to Ivy League schools and even impose fines on us for recreational drug use. Such conduct upsets the social order in this country. We, the Petulant White Bourgeois Brats United for Even More Advantages Than They Have Now, demand the respect we deserve. No longer will we tolerate C and D grades. Teachers must give us no grade lower than a B+, even if we never show up for class. Admissions officers at Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Columbia, William & Mary, Princeton, University of Chicago and Georgetown must never deny us—or themselves—the honor of our attendance. Education at these institutions is our hereditary right. To deny our right to Ivy League education is to undercut the class system so vital to the strength of our Republic. Finally, law enforcement officials must never penalize us for any criminal infraction whatsoever, including drug use or sale, traffic violation, perjury, assault, shoplifting, disturbing the peace, sexual abuse, contributing to the delinquency of a minor or underage drinking. We have a right to act as we please. The law exists to sustain us, not to punish us. After all, our fathers made the law. If it weren’t for our fathers, the police and judges would not have their jobs. If it weren’t for our fathers, Harvard would not have its endowment. And if it weren’t for our fathers, our secondary schools would not have enough money to keep the doors open. Formal equality is an important virtue in this country. But a quixotic quest for actual equality must never jeopardize our right to preferential treatment in school, business and in criminal justice. This year, vote to give Petulant White Bourgeois Brats even more advantages they have now. Vote for the status quo. Vote to help the most important people in our society. Do not spurn the rich. Respect them, because they obviously lived the American dream better than you did. Be obedient to our society. Vote Brats in 2008.

Thrifty Americans Who Work for a Living United Against Lazy European Vacationeers

By : Bert Wank, Senior Policy Analyst and Employed Person for Over 23 Years

America works. Our strength as a Nation comes from our passion for work. Americans treasure their jobs and produce more than any other country on earth. We love to work. True, we look forward to our weekends as a time to relax with family and watch sporting events, but we do not relish idleness. Rather, we recognize that weekends give us a meaningful opportunity to rest our bodies so we can do our jobs better on Monday. We understand that work gives us strength. Despite this, trouble is brewing beyond our borders. Although many Americans would simply like to work, live and attend weekend events in peace, world developments at times force us to address larger matters. In Europe, entire populations are taking three-week vacations every year, with pay. Entire European populations spend up to twenty-one paid days away from their jobs per year sitting on beaches, spending money on souvenirs, touring exotic locations and “having fun.” Additionally, governments in these foreign lands provide health care to all workers at no charge, even though they spend at least three weeks per year away from their jobs. This is an international outrage. Here in America, we work for a living. We save our money. We do not lounge on beaches for three weeks per year. If we do, we go broke; we do not expect our employers to pay for it. We take no more than one week per year away from our jobs, including sick leave. That is more than enough for our purposes. Idleness does nothing for the economy, and a week spent working is always better than a week spent idling. We are thankful for the opportunity to work; we do not look forward to avoiding it. We do not want money if we do not work for it. Yet these lazy European do-nothings expect to be paid for time off. This sends a dangerous message to workers all over the world. Excessive relaxation breeds decadence and weakness. By allowing three-week paid vacations, European governments are fatally undermining the spirit of thrifty work that drives America. This year, put a party in power that understands the value of work. Tell the world that you do not need a vacation to do the best job you possibly can for your employer. Tell the world that you are responsible, not lazy. Tell the world that you expect no advantage that you did not earn by the sweat of your brow. And tell the world that you do not want time off to be with your newborn child. We, Thrifty Americans United Against Lazy European Vacationeers, are determined to live our lives in protest to decadent vacation-seekers. We would rather fill out third-party insurance papers than sip pina coladas in Maui. We would rather stay in the archives department until 10 PM on Saturday than spend 2 weeks partying in Sao Paulo. Work is its own reward, and we are thankful for it. No longer will we allow European taildraggers to poison the value of our work. In 2008, vote for honest American labor, not effete European hedonism. Refuse to take a vacation this year. Save your money. Vote for Thrifty Americans Who Work for a Living. In 2008, show why we are the greatest Nation in the world: Because we love to work.

1 comment:

das said...

Founded in 1854 by anti-slavery expansion activists and modernizers, the Republican Party rose to prominence with the election of Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican president. The party presided over the American Civil War and Reconstruction and was harried by internal factions and scandals towards the end of the 19th century. Today, the Republican Party supports a conservative platform (as far as American politics are concerned), with further foundations in economic liberalism and social conservatism.