Friday, October 31, 2008


Die-Hard Employees Who Work Immediately Following Disastrous Injury or Childbirth

By : Mrs. Dolores G. Ailingwife, Employee of the Month, Penobscot Information Industries, L.P.; Labor Spokesperson

At one time in our Nation’s history, Americans thirsted for work. They arose every morning with a true desire for employment. Today, however, all too many Americans no longer possess the burning work ethic that transformed our country into an international leader. Thanks to collusive labor unions and decaying morals, American employees complain more than they work. They complain about lunch breaks. They complain about sick leave. They complain about “work/life balance.” They complain about “family time.” They complain about wage rollbacks. In the olden days, workers showed up for work no matter what adversity they faced. If they suffered injury, they did not look to their employers for help; they grinned and bore the loss. True, employment creates risk. But employees receive rewards for their risk, namely, a paycheck. In return for that paycheck, they bear all risks associated with their work. Still, in recent decades employees have forgotten their roots. They want compensation for work-related injuries. They want time off—paid time off. If female employees have children, they want even more time off, even though they have not been hurt. They just want to be around their freshly-minted offspring for a few weeks. Paid. This is nonsense. We, Die-Hard Employees Who Work Immediately Following Disastrous Injury or Childbirth, promise to return decency to the employment relationship. We promise to restore respect in employees by immediately working after terrible personal hardships. We respect our employers and we want our jobs. We will make any sacrifices necessary to please our employers, including performing data entry while paralyzed from the neck down. If we lose a leg, we will be at our desks the next day—with a crutch. If we lose our arms, we will be in the office the next day—with skillful feet. We promise to restore resourcefulness to the American work ethic. If we lose an eye, we will see better with the other one. If we go blind, we will learn Braille and do the same job we always did. If we are diagnosed with cancer, we will not look for sympathy. We will keep showing up to work until they haul us out of the office, stone dead. If we have a child at 6 AM, we will put on our clothes, hop on the subway and be at work by 8:30 AM. We can wait until 5 PM to see the baby. It is time to save America from European employment liberalism. It is time to get back to work, no matter what difficulties we face. Because when America works, America succeeds. Let circumstances and adversity do their worst. We will keep on working—and we don’t need overtime, either. In 2008, vote for a simple principle: “Work comes first.”

Creditors’ Alliance to Legally Eliminate Death as an Excuse to Pay Your Bills

By : Mr. Owen H. Dewnau, Senior Collection Manager and Lobbying Coordinator

In this world, there are debtors and creditors. Debtors have legal obligations to pay money; creditors have legal rights to receive money. Rights and obligations drive our world. Without obligation, our entire economy would collapse. And without rights to receive money, no man of property would ever choose to risk his money in business. The law exists for two reasons: (1) to force debtors to adhere to their obligations; and (2) to vindicate creditors’ rights. Whenever the law tolerates excuses to obligations, it injures creditors’ rights. And when creditors feel that their rights will not be respected, they will no longer risk their money. That injures society as a whole. To prevent this, we must put an end to excuses. Forgiveness is for God. Earthly debts are perpetual. No longer may the law tolerate death as an excuse to paying your bills. If you owe $40,000 in back mortgage payments, the mere fact that you have shuffled off your mortal coil should not prejudice the rights of those who have not shuffled off their mortal coils. When you assume an obligation, that obligation lives on, whether your heart continues beating or not. There may be no such thing as everlasting human life, but an obligation lives forever—or at least until it is paid in full. Your life or death is a matter of complete indifference to us: the Creditors’ Alliance. In our view, you represent an account. An account does not live or die. It is either paid, or it is not. If it is not, we obtain a judgment in a court of competent jurisdiction and lawfully seize the amount owed. Whether you are dead or alive does not matter. We can take the amount to which we have a right. Rights are essential to commerce. It is time for the law to respect our rights even more than it does now. Sympathy has no place in the world of obligation. Death pays no bills, and it is about time that our law recognized that. If you assume obligations, you think you can just die and all will be forgiven? Think again. Soon, we will own everything you have—or used to have, until you died. This year, vote for rights—creditors’ rights. Creditors need assurance that nothing will impede their ability to get their money back, death or no death. Because when creditors are happy, we all win.


sabaka said...

Sometimes I forget that you are writing a satire! I just read your articles on creditors and makes so much sense to me. I do not know. Maybe I am a bad person and just want to join the Creditor's Alliance!

Balthazar Oesterhoudt said...

I am glad you feel that way, Sabaka. Many of the ideas I satirize have many appealing points but, taken to the extreme, lead to absurdity. I know I am doing my job as a writer if I make it challenging for the reader to decide whether an argument is good or evil. Thanks for continuing to read!