Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Modern life demands responsive politics and solutions that work. In a rapidly changing world where technology and technical knowledge constantly require cogent action by government, the two-party system in America has fallen into obsolescence. To be blunt, the perennial spat between Democrats and Republicans is far too simplistic to effectively serve the American people in our complex age. It sadly understates America’s diversity to claim that every citizen neatly fits the categories that characterize Democrats or Republicans: big government/small government; health care/no health care; severe criminal penalties/lenient criminal penalties; isolationist foreign policy/interventionist foreign policy; high tax/low tax; liberty/security…and so forth and so on.

Today, America needs diverse parties that represent the full spectrum of American life. It is time to abandon the two-party system and the ineffective deadlock it all too often engenders in our government. Now is the time to introduce parties that truly speak for the American people and truly convey their deepest values. Below, America’s new parties will set forth their values to you—the reader—urgently appealing to your support. Whether you agree with them or not, remember that they are exercising their duty as Americans to speak their political minds. In that light, remember that it is a new day; it is a new day in which every American can choose the party that most closely resembles his own conscience. And what is more American than to speak and think as one chooses?

Office Managers’ Union for Banal Procedure

By : Mr. H. Stanley Crudup, President

America needs jobs and it needs them now. Specifically, America needs jobs that put people to work. Work is America. America is work. The Office Managers’ Union for Banal Procedure knows work and how it’s done. If elected, we promise not only to provide office jobs to every American, but also to edify every American with office procedures. Office procedures represent all that is good about America. They provide discipline, order, fairness and equality. We promise to provide procedures on clock-punching, break-taking and overtime processing requirements. We promise to balance employees’ interests in long lunches and functioning soda machines with employers’ interests with maximum production and profit. We all know that employers are important, because employers provide jobs. Without employers, there would be no need for office procedure. To that end, we promise to protect employers and adopt procedures that please them. Are you ready to work? Don’t you want a wage? Isn’t it time to get off the dole and take pride in what you do, even if you are a stock clerk? Vote for the Office Managers’ Union in ’08. Vote for change—vote for Banal Procedure.

Federal Alliance for the Promulgation of More Exceptions, Qualifying Language and Conditions in Public Life

By : Oswald D. Caveatte-Proviso, Acting Commissioner (unless otherwise provided)

Our country needs clear rules to promote liberty, justice and a better life for all, except in those cases where exceptions are necessary to achieve those purposes. Today, government fails the people because it cannot decide how best to resolve contemporary issues. By contrast, the Federal Alliance for the Promulgation of More Exceptions, Qualifying Language and Conditions in Public Life aims to end the deadlock, unless Party Leadership finds deadlock to be the most reasonable alternative in the circumstances. Provided that the Alliance pursues reasonable measures on all public issues, we pledge to solve the health care mess. But in no event shall the Alliance solve the health care mess if leaving health care in its current condition will serve the greater good. We promise to deliver maximal results in minimal time, on the express condition that all other parties do not significantly impact our electoral share. Aren’t you tired of confusing government? Don’t you want a government that responds to your needs in a simple, understandable fashion? Vote for us in 2008 and we will categorically answer all your needs, subject in all events to the approval of Party Leadership. We pledge to rescue this Nation from unemployment, inflation and economic malaise; but our party will never take action (or refuse to take action) in any case when Party Leadership—in its sole, unreviewable discretion—deems such action (or inaction) harmful to Party interests. Unless and until elected, we cannot promise intelligent, clear-minded government next year. Except as otherwise provided in statements other than this one, this statement constitutes the full and final policy statement of the Federal Alliance for the Promulgation of More Exceptions, Qualifying Language and Conditions in Public Life, notwithstanding anything contained in any previous, contemporaneous or future statement (including, but not limited to full and partial integrations subject to applicable law, unless otherwise provided)—whether written or oral, express or implied—whatsoever. In short, let us attack our Nation’s problems with simple, straightforward solutions, except when complicated solutions are necessary.

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