POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

The Free Sports Tickets Party (FSTP)

By : O. Harry Humpwell, Offensive and Defensive Party Coordinator; Regular Guy

All too often, major political parties overlook regular guys—and regular gals. We have regular needs and regular dreams. Regular guys and regular gals matter; and there are lots of us. We don’t care about stock trends, Federal Reserve interest rates, United Nations resolutions or what’s happening in Darfur. All we want is an easy job that pays the bills and sports games to watch on our days off. Everything else is pretty much extra. We believe that government has an obligation to make regular people happy. To that end, we believe that government should hand out free tickets to sporting events throughout the country. What better way to spend our tax dollars than to pay for Free Ticket Distribution (FTD) programs in cities all over the Nation? If government truly wants to win the heart of the average American, it must simply give free football tickets to us. And by distributing free tickets, government could provide stable, well-compensated jobs to thousands of workers responsible for managing ticket distribution. We advocate creating a National Free Sports Ticket Distribution Office and a new Cabinet-level position: Secretary of Homeland Free Ticket Management. We advocate fair and equal procedures for distributing free tickets: Every regular American should be entitled to free sports tickets, without regard to race, income or national origin. Of course, government could also introduce special incentive programs, such as choosing a citizen at random to receive not only a free ticket to the Super Bowl, but also unlimited beef frank and beer vouchers during game time. How could Americans not love their country when their country gives them free access to football, beer and hot dogs? It is time to remember the regular Americans and to restore faith in our government. We pay through the nose every day in income tax, property tax, social security tax, municipal tax, multiple-axle tax, sales tax, estate tax and school tax. Shouldn’t government give you something back once in a while? Shouldn’t your country work as hard for you as you work for your country? If you say YES—and you know you do—vote for Free Sports Tickets in 2008. This year, GET something from your vote, not just more empty words and more taxes.

Bankers for Deregulation

By : Mr. Garfield H. Woodward, Sr., Chief Financial Officer

Our Nation stands at a pivotal point in its history. Over the past few decades, government has done much to interfere with private dealings between bankers and their clients. Rather than help the populace, this interference has actually harmed our Nation by making access to loans more costly than it should be. It is time to end that trend. Bankers for Deregulation stands united in its desire to repeal all laws governing banks. Bankers know what is right for you and your money, not the government. Aren’t you sick and tired of government disclosure programs that force you to pay banks more for every transaction you conduct? If government did not force bankers to explain all the terms that attach to your loans, it would be so much easier to get a loan. Who wants to pay more money than necessary? Don’t you want to get a loan when you need it? And wouldn’t you rather entrust your money to a banker than a greedy government official? That is why you should vote for us. When Bankers are happy, the people are happy. Government regulation makes Bankers unhappy; and that makes you unhappy, too, because it costs more to get a loan. If you can’t get a loan, you can’t buy a car, house or television when you want it. So when you vote this year, tell the world: “Government: Hands off my money! I want a car NOW!” Give your money to men who know how to handle it. Trust Bankers for Deregulation. We will make your money work for you again. Don’t let government tell you to avoid taking out a loan! If you need a loan, we are here to help. Let us help you. Vote Bankers in ’08.